an uncomfortable feeling of discontent

Oh wow. I'm headed home in a day. At this time tomorrow, I'll be at London's Gatwick airport, preparing to fly home. I am definitely, definitely excited about coming home and I will be thrilled beyond words to see everyone.

BUT. I am also having feelings of trepidation about leaving England and not knowing when I'll be back. There are a lot of things I have learned to love about this country, and I think what's really problematic for me is the uncertainty of just not knowing when I'll be back again. I'm sure I will, but it all feels so up in the air right now.

I also don't know how I'm going to deal with school. This semester was basically kind of a vacation for me, and spring semester I'm throwing myself full force back into everything that keeps me busy and crazy, and then some. But I think it will all work out in the end and it should be a fun time. I'm looking forward to new people and new friends and a new house and all that jazz.

My family saw 'The Producers' over here. Not the new film, the musical, in the West End. It was incredibly funny; I think it's the only activity we all did as a family that we all have thoroughly enjoyed together. My family members and I all have such different tastes and interests. My parents, I have realized, are hopelessly, helplessly American. In a way it's part of what I love about them. In a way, it's also been driving me slightly mad.

Anyway. Whether I'm ready for it or not, it's time to go home.

I'll see you all soon, I hope.

oh my.

I think last night might have been the best night I've had in York.
Well, maybe not. But it's awfully close.
I don't know what I'm getting myself into, if anything.
But for once I took a chance, and put myself out there. And it has already paid off in the fun I had.
I don't want to go into details here.
In short, I went on a date. It surprises even me still. At least, maybe it wasn't exactly a date, but it turned into one by the end of the evening, I think, and it was good.
the end.
It's funny how one incident can change a person's outlook on so many things. I feel so lucky. And happy, and surprised.
I'm just going to enjoy it for now, and try not to over-analyze anything the way I tend to.

on sunday...

I experienced a moment of sublimity. It was nothing huge, and I have already babbled about it to far too many people, but for a brief span of time, I was completely happy without another thought in the world. I was rosy-cheeked and smiling and unaware of basically anything outside of a certain small space, and it was a perfect little time capsule.

So then the question becomes, do I go back and try to find another such moment? Or do I let it remain as it was, and just forget about it, and go on with everything else?

I have a 2500 word essay due Friday by 12.30 that I have not started even outlining yet. I have another 2500 word essay due Friday by 4 that needs serious revisions, revisions that I've marked all over the essay but haven't started implementing yet even though the library books I use for the essay are quite overdue and I'll have some hefty fines to pay. I had a philosophy essay yesterday that I probably did more poorly on than any other written exam that I have ever taken, and I'm uncharacteristically unshaken about it. I'm not sure if this is a good sign or an indicator of too much apathy.

I could not sleep again last night. I think I fell asleep somewhere around 4.30, so a solid three hours of sleep then.

I went ice skating last night! It was beautiful and worth the money and time it cost, as well as the blister my left heel now sports. It was magical - there's a tree in the middle of the rink (not a Christmas tree, but a TREE tree, growing out of the ground, that the rink is constructed around) and there were sparkling white little lights everywhere. It made me think of movies and would have made me extremely extremely bitter about being single (there were many couples hand-holding and falling and being all cute) if Irina and I hadn't been having so much fun almost-falling and if I hadn't still been in too good of a mood from the combination of Sunday and being finished with metaphysics forever.

I have a 9.15 class today. After it is over, I can revise and hand in my English essay. I could've handed it in yesterday, but then she might have read it by today, and she is the sort of professor that I really, really, really do not want to disappoint and for whom I fear disappointment is inevitable because my essay isn't too grand. But it's an essay, and I'll pass well enough, I hope.

I can't stop listening to Jeff Buckley. It's addictive. Everyone go buy the cd and see if you can stop listening to it once you really begin.

photos!

If you are at all interested in seeing more pictures from my trip to Germany, please go to my flickr page and enjoy. Also, all three of the lovely ladies featured are single; we are currently accepting boyfriend applications. We are pretty selective though.
My state of mind is much the same as it was on Monday - see the post below.

under the gun.

I had a good weekend filled with good company and good food and laughter and comfort. It was exactly what I needed.

And now so much frustration has come upon me. Much of the weekend's relaxed ease and contentment are quickly becoming memories. I am trying to write an essay and I can't come up with a thesis. Not even a working thesis. There is not a single original thought in my head. Although there seldom is, I suppose. Creativity has never truly been my forte and it's like the older I get, the more my brain slows and stops absorbing as much. School and learning used to be so exciting and fresh for me. I felt like I could never learn enough, and now I just feel so ineffectual and academically worthless.

Not that it really matters. Oh, discontent! I have such moments of wonder and glory and beauty and then I fall into the aching sadness for people who are, I suspect, much like myself and find each struggle out of the continual onslaught of valleys harder and harder until we wonder how much bending we can do before we snap. So much sadness, so much anger, so much fury and rage and tempestuousness and sorrow with nowhere to go so that it continues to stockpile and build and amass until it greedily starts feeding on itself and flourishing in spite of all the hopes that might try to spring up.

I feel a disordered dull, throbbing pain for all the words I wish I had to tell people how much I care about them and how desperately I wish that anything I could ever say would matter and make anything any better. But that's the thing. It won't make any difference. No matter how many ways I agonize and try to console or comfort, the gaping hole is still there for others. I'm not using my words, as Malin would say - I'm not getting out what I really want to be saying. The more I write the less I'm able to make the words do what I want them to, it seems. There's so much empty sadness.

There are people that I love dearly and I have been lamenting that I can't be there for them because I'm over here in England. Really, though, that's a quite selfish thought of me to have because why do I suppose it would make any difference? I can't fix anything. I can't go back in time, I can't change any of what they are feeling because what's happened has happened and whether or not I'm physically there is hardly going to make much of a difference. The problems, the voids, the unrelenting, vast heartache would be there regardless.

The funny thing is, this is one of the most down posts I've written in awhile, and I do manage to be a downer quite a lot of the time. But I'm not feeling hopeless or awash with grief - I'm awash with the infinite and unavoidable triviality of the comfort I might try to offer others. It has to be sought elsewhere. I can't give that which I so desperately wish I could.

Do the holes ever get filled, or do we walk around forever, partly empty because of what others have taken with them?

in other, totally unrelated and unimportant news, i am thinking of dying my hair either a much lighter brown or a deep auburn and getting it cut more. this may be a shallow outgrowth of my discontent. thoughts and/or suggestions are welcome.

a quick succession of busy nothings

I'm off to Germnay is less than 24 hours! It will be so wonderful to see Lena again, and I am so excited that Mari will be coming from Norway to join us for the weekend. I expect it to be nothing less than fantastic.
I have a lot to get done in the next two weeks though. Well, not really. Two 2500-word papers, so about two 8-page papers, which is really not that bad. It's just that I haven't started doing the research for one of them and I don't know what to write about for the other one. I have done quite a bit of reading and research for the paper I'm planning to do on Maria Edgeworth and her novel, "Belinda," it's just that I don't have a direction to take the paper in. Which sucks because I now have to return two books to the library next week instead of their original due date. Which, I would like to add, is something I really truly HATE about the library here. If I've checked out a book for a project and someone else requests the book, they bump up the due date, which totally sucks. It's not MY bloody fault if I got to the book first; why shouldn't I be allowed to keep it?? Plus, I know that no one else's paper is due until well after Christmas, so I don't feel much pity. I may keep the books a few extra days and just pay the overdue fines if I need them. So I guess I'll probably try to write my English paper first, so I should focus on that - but I currently have no direction for it whatsoever. It's very frustrating. I have so much information and I don't know what to do with it.
In other news, I'm registered for 18 credits for the spring semester at Hamline...biodiversity/conservation bio, concepts of nature, senior seminar, crossing borders II, and british lit. from 1789. Is it madness to take this many credits? Will I die with 18 credits, two jobs, and being a news editor at the Oracle or is this a workload I can handle? I had originally planned to drop British Lit. once I got signed up for senior seminar, but now I'm thinking about taking it anyway, 'for fun'. Is this crazy? Thoughts?
I have more to say but sadly I have no time. So more when I return from Hamburg, I guess.

haha.

Oh, sometimes I think I would weep at my own idiocy if I wasn't too busy laughing so hard at myself.
I am so good at mistaken impressions! And so good at being both too conceited and having no faith in myself, AT THE SAME TIME. That takes some doing!
I actually did my philosophy homework ahead of time last night, just for something new and exciting.
And I learned to be very grateful for what I have waiting for me when I go back home. An acquaintance/friend of mine stopped by my room last night to chat. He's been studying in England for 2 years now and he sounds incredibly miserable. People here are, as I've said, difficult to get to know but I figured it was just because I haven't been here that long and I don't really care that much about making super-close friends because I'm going home in a month. But to have been here two years and still be treated with the same general polite faux-friendliness - I don't know what I would be doing if I didn't have the people to go back to that I do. Yeah, that's a bad sentence. Oh well. I'm too lazy to go back and fix it.
I have therefore resolved to be cheerful and industrious and really make the most of the last month of my time here. There is still much to see and do, and I am so reminded of all that I have to be grateful for that I am really, really trying to make more of an effort at happiness.
Even if I am going to be single for the rest of my life. Hehe. That's my joke of the day with myself. And yes, there's a story there, but I'm not telling.

good things.

I've decided I complain far too much. Therefore, I'm going to make an effort to do less whining in my blogging and more paying attention to things that are good and exciting and enjoyable.
To that end, I helped a little old lady across the street yesterday. Honestly, I find it funny how the tiniest little things can make me feel so happy sometimes. I was walking to town and I was going past the little convenience store down the road, when this tiny (honestly, she couldn't have been much more than five feet tall) little old lady stops me and says, "Excuse me, dear, but would you mind helping me just cross the street here?" I said, "Not at all!" And she tucked her gloved hand over the top of my considerably larger mittened hand and we slowly crossed the street together, after which she thanked me and we parted ways.
Anyway, the birthday celebrations then consisted of a dinner out and seeing the new Harry Potter movie (yeah yeah, I'm a big dork. Shut up) which was generally uneventful but enjoyable. My dinner at the faux-Italian restaurant "ASK" was very tasty, really, and the first genuine meal I think I've had since returning to the UK, and the chocolate cake I had for dessert was genuinely delicious.
Honestly, I also really really liked the newest Harry Potter film. It's the story they've had to change the most to fit into a 2 1/2 hour film, and the reason none of the changes upset me much, I think, is because I understood immediately why certain things just had to be left out and altered. I felt like the acting on the part of the kids was improved, the special effects felt more a part of the story than previously, and overall it was just darker and better. Ralph Fiennes was a good casting choice - I don't think many actors working in film do depraved and twisted and evil much better. All right. My nerd talk for the day is done. I'll move on to other things now.
I am getting really quite excited to see my family in December. I'm going to have so much fun showing my mom this city - I just know she's going to love it. It would be cool if my dad could visit it, too, but I have the feeling Mom will like it better than Dad would anyway. I'm trying not to plan TOO much because she is really only here for a day and a half. But we are definitely going to have to have tea at Betty's - that place is amazing, and their pastries and food are yummy. And then I'm not sure what all else we will do - there are loads of shops, obviously. More shops than any reasonable person knows what to do with, but that's such an attraction. York is one of the few bigger cities in England, I think, which has never been an industrial city. Maybe that's part of why some of the historical aspects have been so well preserved here...I really do not know.
I have yet to do my city wall walk, but I definitely do plan to do that before leaving the city. You can actually walk all the way around the city centre on the city walls. One has to climb up and down stairs at the various gates, of course, but I think it would be an interesting way to see the city.
I have finally learned my way around the city centre pretty well. I can get everywhere I need/want to go on the first try now! It's been harder than I had anticipated; the streets here are truly astonishing in their direction.
In other exciting news, I am going to visit Lena in a couple of weeks! I'm so very excited about this. I did not think I was going to be able to afford to do much more traveling while I was here, given my current circumstances, but I found a quite good deal and staying with her family will obviously save plenty of money. I'm really, really looking forward to that. I quite liked hte Hamburg/Ahrensburg area when I was there a year and a half ago, and it is always wonderful to see friends, especially those one doesn't get to see often.
Also, I'm 21 now. I'm not so excited about the drinking aspect as I am startled by the fact that I'm now an adult in every legal sense of the word and that I'm too far removed from being a teenager to keep from considering myself an adult anymore. A young adult, yes. But there it is. Not that I really feel any older or different, of course. In a relative sense, I'm only 2 days older than 20 so it makes sense. But in another sense it feels like a lot of the parts of my being younger are falling away. I don't really keep much in touch with many people from my hometown anymore and I'll probably never live there again, which is both a relief and strange to know. More responsibilty! More maturity! Yeesh.

it must be said.

This is getting ridiculous.
If I don't get some sleep soon, I will officially transform from a human being into a zombie. This week has been particularly rotten as I've averaged around 3 hours a night. Just crazy.
And you'd think that with all this spare time, well, I'd at least be unusually prodcutive, right? You'd be wrong, my friend. I did manage to complete a full outline for my philosophy essay, but I have yet to fully grasp the concept material. It's the most detailed outline I've done for quite some time, though, so that's promising.
Ugh. Tonight I have the mean reds. Well, sort of. Because I actually do know what I'm afraid of. But I don't like it. It's silly and it's pointless to worry about but there it is anyway.
Oh well. Tomorrow will be better.

oh, remorse!

Sometimes I think I'm just never going to learn to be a nice person. I go through these fits of snippiness where I just want to say mean things sometimes, and I occasionally do, and I feel much better at the time, but then I wake up the next morning feeling like a mean person. It's not a very good way to feel. Sometimes people just frustrate me with their arrogance, and it frustrates me even more when a friend of mine is upset/hurt/angry, but that isn't an excuse for being childish or snide.
I really need to be nicer. And more forgiving of the faults of others. Goodness knows, I've plenty of my own. Those in glass houses, etc. etc.
Sigh.

every day i love you less and less.

There's a title that goes out to Hamline. Not really. There are still a million things I love about Hamline (lots of students and some pretty amazing professors) - but administrative issues have been rather frustrating for me lately.
Aside from my recent difficulties with them, it applies to my registration efforts this morning.
WHY wouldn't piperline let me register for senior seminar? I have over 92 credits, and I've taken English 3020 and 3000-level + classes. But it tells me that I need the instructor's signature. So I had to e-mail Prof. Deffenbacher, ask her to e-mail some other guy in the registration department telling him that it's okay for me to take the darn class. And then I was told by the system that I was only registered as a half-time student, since I couldn't register for Senior Sem, so I registered for British Lit instead. Which means that once I get into Senior Seminar, I better not forget to go back and drop British Lit.
It's lovely being able to register this early though. I must confess I'm a fan. I didn't have any problems anywhere; in fact, there isn't a single course that's already full, not even Biology of Women, which I briefly contemplated taking, but decided to take Biodiversity and Cons and - oh! How did that happen? I somehow just dislodged the "0" button from the top of the keyboard. Um, I'll just stick it back on there. So it's a little crooked. It'll still work. I think. Until it falls off again, anyway.
But I digress. Anyway I decided to take Biodiversity and Conservation Bio, and leave the Biology of Women spot open for a Women's Studies major or something instead. I'll also be taking my first philosophy class with the famous (infamous?) Stephen Kellert, to which I look forward with anticipation, and then of course Crossing Borders II.
I have finally navigated my way around the sound block on these computers so I can now gleefully listen to music online again. I will say that much for myspace - it has been my savior as far as music goes these last few days. I brought a bunch of cds with me, but you know, you can only listen to them so many times at once, no matter how much you love them. So I'm very happy to have access to myspace music and purevolume once more.
I've been in an inexplicably good frame of mind. Not that I've been all cheery and bubbly - but these last few days I've just felt calmer with myself than I have in a really long time. It's kind of a relief.
It was a beautiful morning here - cold and crisp and brisk but everthing coated with a thing lovely layer of frost. I think I'm about the only person who saw it though. People really really REALLY like to sleep in here. No one is seen on weekends until at least noon; usually more like one or two pm. And everyone thinks having a 9.15 class is just the absolute worst luck in the world. I'm falling into that habit, too. It's getting harder for me to pull myself out of bed in the mornings and I'm going to bed later. It's not a good pattern to fall into! I've never been much of an early morning person, but I do like to be up reasonably early. When I'm back at Hamline, I'll have things pretty easy schedule-wise, too. Just a Tuesday/Thursday class at 9:40 and otherwise my earliest class is, um, a 10:20 lab on Wednesday and then 12:50, and two night clases - yuck. I'd rather have a 9:15 than a night class but oh well.
I got my first philosophy paper back today and I realized I don't really get how their scoring system works here. I got a 64, which at first about gave me a heart attack, but then my neighbour, Irina, said that's a good mark and well done me. So I looked in the handbook and scores between 60-69 are generalized as being 'Very good work that is well-structured and which accurately presents philosophical views and problems, which shows a good solid grasp of the main elements of the philosophical debate, and which shows an ability to exercise philosophical judgment.'
So I think that would be equivalent to something in the B-range, possibly perhaps? Which is usually about what I get on philosophy papers at home. But I really don't even know. I'm still a little worried because that was an easy topic and the second paper will probably require a better grasp of the material, which I'm not sure I have! I really do not follow this metaphysics stuff. I think I'm just stupid in that area of philosophy. Some of it, I admit, I just think is ridiculous. But there are other giant sections I just cannot follow. Man. I hate feeling stupid.

what i have decided. edited.

There will be no Ireland this year for me, at least not in January.
I fly back into Minneapolis on Dec. 29th.
I'm not particularly happy about it. But in the end, it was the best decision. I know this, even though I don't really like it.
More later. I've been doing lots of thinking lately; in fact I was thinking until 5 am yesterday. But I need to do a little bit more before I get it all out.

later:
I fly into Minneapolis on Dec. 29th, on the same flight as my parents and brother, actually.

Okay. Well, now I've had a lot of time to think. What's strange is that the right conversation with the right person/people at the right time can cause you to realize things fully that you've been vaguely aware of but have never quite brought to fruition. After a couple of talks with some very wise and good people (and you know who you are), I realized a few things about myself, which I've shared with not very many people yet. They are somewhat as follows. I'm still having trouble putting into words why they're important, but I'm working on it.
1. I have realized that the reason England isn't quite what I had expected it to be is because I'm not what I expected me to be.
2. What I mean by this is that I have a nasty habit of thinking that every time I go somewhere new, I have, in the back of my brain, this concept of reinventing myself as someone more popular, more pretty, more exciting, more fun, etc. But somehow, this has never worked out for me.
3. I think the reason it's never worked out or gone according to play is because I take my past experiences with me. I don't have the gift some people do of shrugging off the past and starting fresh. I don't that's necessarily good or bad, but it's me. The main reason that I tend not to change much is that I'm just incapable of shedding myself. I bring my baggage with me, and most of the time it's a fairly considerable amount.

All of this may be very interesting but also may seem totally unrelated to my current circumstances surrounding my decision to go home at the end of December. However:

I found that a large part of why I found going to Ireland exciting (through some contrivance of my twisted and bizarre mind) was because I saw it as another opportunity to make myself cooler, prettier, more exciting, etc. with the Hamline crowd. I would meet new people, wow them over with my new and improved!! self, etc. etc..

So what I have realized is that it's okay that I'm going back earlier than planned. Perhaps even better. I spent hours and hours one night, writing and praying as hard as I could and thinking and really taking stock of myself. And suddenly all the things that have been plaguing me came to light and I saw the things about myself that I've been wilfully ignoring for so long. I know, obviously, that I've had issues with depression and self-esteem and self-image and all that. But I feel like I saw some other part of me, a part of me that is related to my past problems but also a big part of the present issues I've been facing, and that in recognizing that part of myself, I've already conquered it. I am guessing that doesn't make any sense, but that's okay.

The truth? It feels pretty good. I'm not totally happy, because I still don't understand Hamline's financial policies, and I would LOVE to see Ireland. But for my own sake, I think it is good that I'm going home. There are some advantages, not least being my friends and family. All of this realization stemmed from a couple of IM conversations with friends thousands and thousands of miles away. Oh, the wonders of technology!

I think it's time to get some coffee. It's a sunny bright day today (if cold) and I'm going to take advantage of it.

everything falls apart.

I can't remember the last time I was this frustrated.
I just found out, thanks to a hold on my student account, that I supposedly owe Hamline a large chunk of money. Now, I can't figure out why this would be, because I have calculated and re-calculated the costs of my tuition, accommodation, and flight for England and I can't understand how it could in any way exceed the money I have in scholarships from Hamline that was supposed to cover all of these costs, but somehow this charge popped up. Perhaps I'm simply forgetting to add something in or I'm mistaken in the amount of money my tuition cost, but I just am at a total loss.
I am so tired of worrying about money and budgeting and pinching and adding and subtracting and multiplying to see if I'll be able to buy my dinner. If I stopped eating I'd save quite a lot of money. Hmm, something to consider. So it's looking like no Ireland for me come J-term. And while I realize this is hardly the crisis I'm probably making it out to be, it's still also really upsetting to me, because it's just something I've really been looking forward to for a long time. Also it's something I've told everyone I'm doing, so I feel as though if I come back to Hamline for J-term I am a failure somehow. Oh yeah, plus I'll be homeless.
The part that really kills me is that I KNOW I'll be getting another refund come spring semester, one that would help cover all of this. But I can't defer payments, I don't think, which means that I am probably pretty much screwed.
I know I'm whining. And I know I'm complaining. But I just feel like every time I start to see things looking up, every time I think things are finally going to start getting better and that maybe the sun is coming out after all, a huge thundercloud sneaks up behind me and dumps rain all over me. And maybe strikes me with lightning once or twice just for good measure.
That wasn't a very good metaphor. Then again, I'm not in a very good mood so perhaps it's appropriate somehow after all.
It's not that I wouldn't be happy enough to be back at Hamline or see my friendss, because that's definitely not the case. Also, I suppose I could just try to save up and go on a J-term trip next year. Of course, I'll have to change my flight - I've no idea how much that'll cost me.
My mom is the most wonderful person. She is determined that I shall go to Ireland and says she'll help me. The thing is, though, I need to stand on my own eventually. And it's not like she's got loads of extra cash floating around. Her helping me would consist of accruing more debt on a credit card, I think. And I love her so much for wanting this so badly for me, but I have always prided myself on my relative financial independence/management, and I'm not sure I'd want to do that, either, especially since she insists she'll help me pay for the NYU Publishing Institute that I'd love to do after graduating even though I won't get into it.
Growing up is catching up with me awfully fast lately.

there and back again.

What a mad, mad, mad, mad week. I am now officially quite behind in several areas of my classes, exhausted from lots of crying and jet lag, and might possibly be getting sick (although I think that's just the exhaustion talking). But I made it back to York without any significant problems of any kind and after tomorrow morning, I have all weekend to spend playing catch-up, so I think I'll be all right in the end.

The funeral was hard, but not quite as hard as I had expected. It was an enormous comfort to me that Pastor Steve performed the service - it was just a simple, quiet day. I was really touched, too, to see all of the friends of ours in the area who had sent flowers and plants. The chapel was filled with them, and now our house is the same. There were so many lovely people there, people who I didn't even really expect to see like some of my teachers from high school and relatives I haven't seen in ages, and it was good to see them even under the circumstances. I also got to learn quite a lot about my grandfather, things I never knew about him. It makes me sad that a lot of the time people save their stories until it's too late to tell them.

The military service the next day was a lot harder. It was much smaller, mostly just family, and much more solemn and official and formal and final. There was the gun salute and the playing of 'Taps' etc. etc. and we all ended in tears, but perhaps it was a bit cathartic.

I meant to call a lot of people this weekend while I was in the US but I just ran out of time. I was just too busy helping my mom and dad and trying to put together a little celebration for my dad's 50th birthday in the midst of the madness and visiting my grandma and saying goodbye to aunts and uncles, etc. etc. It just wore me down.

And now I'm here again until Christmas. Which is really only about six weeks away - not too far off. I hope my mom's remembered payment on the flat.

When I flew out of Minneapolis I had a quite interesting little flight to Detroit. There've been some very bad storms in the Indiana area, and some of the winds were backlashing, apparently, and there were like 40 mph winds in Detroit so there was a little turbulence on the plane. I didn't think it was too bad though, and then we came in for a landing which didn't seem to go terribly badly although it did seem to me that the plane stopped rather a lot more quickly than they usually do, although I didn't think much of it for awhile. Well, then, we sat on the runway for a few minutes when the pilot announced that someone was going to check our landing gear. Turns out that when we landed the left wheels of the plane totally blew. So we had to wait about another 20-30 minutes on the plane until they could send an employee bus out to fetch us and lead us into the airport via an employee entrance, although then apparently someone forgot to inform security because we were accosted as we began entering the airport terminal through the employee entrance.

For the first time in my life I caught a couple hours of sleep on the plane from Detroit to London, which was good. Then I had about nine hours to bum around in London before my train, which turned out to be great because it was a beautiful beautiful day. Sunny and autumn-y fresh smelling, just cool enough that I didn't need my coat and just warm enough I didn't get a bit cold. I spent ages in Hyde Park - I got a strange sense of deja vu being there by myself and not with Krystle, but I enjoyed myself. And then I went to Oxford Street and dreamily did some window-shopping. I must confess I pride myself on not purchasing anything. I came close but remembered how broke I now am just in time.

All in all, I'm pretty glad to be back. Even though I'm tired, it's nice to be back in some kind of routine again.

I'm also looking forward to going to Cafe Nero tomorrow. The last few times I have been there, there's been this guy there at the same time which has been odd because I go at such random times. We never really speak to one another - we just kind of look at one another with our loads of books and nod and smile in approval and go on drinking our coffee and eating our muffins. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he's that cute or anything - and his girlfriend was there with him last time anyway - but it's fun to recognize someone who is of the same kind.

photos!

I have finally posted pictures from England, now that I'm back in the US (albeit very temporarily).
Look! Look at the pictures!

details.

I'm amazed at how quickly things can happen, and how even when they happen at rapid speed, sometimes you're so much in the situation that everything seems to be going in slow motion.
Three days ago everything was going along perfectly normally, and now tomorrow morning I'm getting on a train so that I can get on a plane to go home. I will not deny, however, that I'm incredibly grateful that I can go home and be with my dad and my grandma. And obviously my mom, who is one of my best friends, and the rest of my family, but with the death of my grandfather my biggest concern right now is Dad and Grandma.
It's so strange the way life always always manages to catch us off-guard. It's strange, too, that I'd been so incredibly concerned about my grandmother's health when this happen. I don't know why that's so strange, actually, but it does seem odd.
I'm so grateful for some of the people in my life. I have the most supportive friends in the world. They really astound me with their generosity and concern and consideration. I'm too lucky and I don't deserve them, but oh how glad I am to have them. I feel like almost for the first time in my life I have friends I'm certain of. I don't worry so much about them getting tired of me or moving on to greener pastures in terms of friends or that they secretly dislike me...I'm not sure whether that has more to do with me or them, but either way I'm glad to feel secure in my friendships for the first time in a long time.
I'm also struck by how, in the midst of the chaos and madness of the last couple of days, I seem to have found the calm in the storm. I feel like my faith has been so much re-energized and I feel somehow sure that the irritating details of this week are going to smooth themselves out, because so far that's been the case. Every worry I've had about making it home has been somehow taken care of, down to the bizarre coincidence of my brother and I deciding to fly in and out on the same days, within an hour of one another, without having talked to each other about it at all. And Adam offering to drive us home. And Malin also offering to drive us home. And I still have a lot of struggling to do with a lot of different things right now - it's not like everything is suddenly a-okay. But I feel like maybe it will be, and I haven't felt that in a very long while.
So in less than 12 hours, I'll be starting the trip home. I'm glad I'm able to get there. I'm still not quite sure where the money is all coming from or how any of that is going to work itself out, but I'm just going to trust that it will. Because I kind of have to.

things to do in the next 48 hours.

1. Write a philosophy paper. Due Friday, so I haven't started it yet, but since we cannot e-mail papers in, I have to turn it in sometime tomorrow. Thus, in addition:
2. Figure out how to use printing services here in the computer labs.
3. Pick up my train tickets. Which cost close to an arm and a leg, but whatever. It was too late not to buy them when I'd already purchased my flight home.
4. Pack. What do I need for my grandfather's funeral? Dress, nylons, cardigan, shoes. Also some t-shirts to wear at home and a few books to take back. Makeup, hair straightener (although I don't know why - who cares??), money, passport, credit cards, card for my grandma, etc. etc.
5. Buy a birthday gift for my Dad. Not very timely. But as long as I'm going home and his birthday is the day after I fly back out, I really might as well. What do you buy for your dad the week his dad has died?
6. Finish putting together the presentation I have to give in my English class tomorrow. It isn't long enough yet. I don't know what else to say though.
7. Figure out precisely how it is I'm getting from Minneapolis to home.
8. Email a few professors to let them know I'll be missing class next week. Also, get homework assignments.
9. Get myself out of bed at 5:30 on Wednesday so I can be at the train station before 7, which is when my train leaves.
10. Clearly, not sleep.
11. Figure out if there's still any conceivable way for me to pay for Ireland over j-term.

an addendum.

For Manney.
http://www.pretentiousblowhard.org/archives/2005/04/another_tough_d.php
As he ought to be remembered.

feeling empty.

I'm in a strange funk. There's no reason for it, no real explanation. I find myself generally disinterested in pretty much everything. Even going to Scotland, which under normal circumstances I would have been all giggly and giddy and excited for, was just something I sort of did. And the weather's even been nice-ish the last couple of days but I can't shake this - this - I don't even know what it is. It's not a mood, it's not a feeling - it's something else beyond that. Apathy, maybe? I don't even know. I do all my schoolwork, and I guess I'm learning but in a really detached, disengaged manner.

York is a beautiful city. I'm surrounded by history, artifcacts, tea, coffee, books, friendly people - a lot of acquaintances and perhaps a couple of friends - so why do I find myself not really caring about any of it? The thing is, it would be normal for me to be worrying that people didn't like me or that I wasn't meeting enough people or something along those lines. But I'm not sure I even care whether or not I have friends here. I just don't care. I'm perfectly content to wander through the city totally alone, without purpose, without talking to anyone - and that's so unlike me that I'm surprised by myself.

Would I be feeling different at home? My initial reaction would be to say yeah, I would - but I'm not sure that's true either. Maybe there's something in the world right now that's causing a general sense of dissatisfaction and unease.

I was partway through a philosophy lecture the other day when I realized I hadn't put the date on my notes for the lecture. I couldn't remember what day it was and I had to ask the person next to me and then when they told me I remembered that Manney has been gone for a half a year now. Graham posted about this too, but I didn't leave a comment because I'm not sure I have any words left on that subject. I've talked about it and talked about it and written about it and thought about it so much that I feel like I've exhausted the possibilities. I'm not looking for closure or anything - because I know that the closest I'm going to come to 'closure' is knowing at the very core of myself that I'm never going to get any answers. There aren't going to be any revelations or certainties. There just aren't. And maybe soemtimes certain small things will always make me cry, or at least tear up. It's unavoidable. And on that note, I've got issues with the term 'closure.' What is that supposed to mean, anyway? That you reach a certain point where you can close off that part of yourself, where it's finished, ended with you? Because I don't think it ever happens that way.

My grandma is really sick, too. It sounds like things could sort of go either way with her at this point, although she's making small movements towards temporary recovery. She is an astonishing and amazing lady. She's beeen in a nursing home for years now but her mind is still pretty clear. I don't have all that many memories of her from before that anymore, just bits and snatches. Clear hot summer days at their house at the lake, raspberries ripe in their garden - there was always a huge garden, she has the greenest thumb of anyone I've ever known. Lots of food memories. She hated to have leftovers and always urged everyone to eat more! More! Gingersnaps and chocolate chip cookies in a a big jar in the cupboard next to the sink. Buttermilk pancakes in the morning. Crocheting and knitting - I have an afghan she made for me when I was seven. Mostly I remember her smiling.

This is an extremely autumnal sort of post. Maybe that's fitting.

I don't even know what I want to be different. I don't know what I'm expecting from myself, if anything at all.

me, me, me! that's all i talk about here, you know.

I love being not sick. I started my classes this week and they are all going to be fine, I think. I expected there to be tons and tons of out-of-class reading and work to do since I am not actually spending that much time in the classroom, but it doesn't seem like it's going to be all that much more work than usual. Plus I get an easy out for assessment - since I'm a visiting student, I only have to write a 2500 word essay for my English course at the end rather than a 5000 word essay, because most students don't have to turn in the essay until the second week of the next term but I have to turn one in before I leave.

Some observations on England:

They really do say "cheers" all of the time. It's sort of an all-purpose word; they use it to say hello, goodbye, thank you, etc. And there are a lot of people, especially middle-aged or more, with incredibly bad teeth. All crooked and black and stuff.

Sandwiches here are definitely different. It is actually impossible to get what I would deem a normal sandwich. They are all stuff like "cucumber and tuna" and "cheese and tomato" and all I want is turkey and cheese! That's all. Also there is no Kraft macaroni and cheese, and ramen noodles are a lot more expensive. Right around 49p a package, I think, which is like 85 cents, which is way more than I would pay for them at home but still a reasonably cheap meal.

A lot of people from within the UK can tell where someone is from after they've talked to them for awhile. My ears are not yet attuned to this, I'm afraid. Apparently there is a really distinctive northern England dialect but I| have totally failed to pick up on it just yet.

I'm trying to get some pictures up online but it's posing a bit of a problem. I can't plug my camera into the lab computers because, I'm told, I do not have 'administrative privileges.' So I'm going to see if any of the internet cafes in town will allow me to do so because I'm going to have to periodically clear some pictures out, I think. I can still take tons of them at this point but I haven't really done any other traveling just yet.

That may change soon, however. There's a girl, Rose, from Hawaii in my social policy class and she is really friendly and seems very cool and she also has no classes on Thursdays and Fridays. Tomorrow we might take off for Scotland for a day; I'm waiting to hear back from her. It is nice to have a friend who wants to do some of the same stuff. And I think we'll plan some other trips within the UK as well if we can manage it. Which reminds me I need to buy a young person's railcard ASAP.

So even though I'm planning to grow my hair longer yet, I got it cut today. A lot. It's still pretty long but it's a lot more choppy and layered now. It had to be done, it was driving me absolutely insane. My head weighs a lot less now and my hair isn't all bushy and gross. I can actually feel it swing when I walk. This, clearly, is not a monumental event but it sure makes me feel happy.

I'm sad that I like Starbucks here. I've been to other coffee shops but I really do like Starbucks here. And there's four of them! Four! in this smallish city. I am determined to find a more local place that serves my coffee the way I like it but I just haven't gotten there yet. I am determined to find one though, because I hate being sucked in by the global corporate monster that is Starbucks. I think the other part of the reason, much as I hate to admit it, that I like it there is because it's a familiar environment in an unfamiliar place. I hate admitting that. But I think it's very likely to be true.

Anyway. I think that about covers things for now. It's getting late. And it's dark, so now I'll have to walk back via the road instead of via the footpath, which I hate doing. Oh well!

sick & tired

Literally. Yawn. I have had a miserable cold the last couple of days. Yesterday I barely left my room; I just stayed huddled under the blankets coughing and sneezing. My poor little nose (well, not very little, really) is positively red. I am, however, greatly improved today. My fever seems to have vanished, my sinuses are clearer, and I don't look so gross.

Have you ever noticed that some people manage to look lovely and adorable even when ill? Some girls I know get these prettily flushed cheeks and their voices sound all cutesy when they're sick. I am not one of those girls. When I am sick, I look sick and disgusting and hideous, basically. BUT I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't suffer a relapse and that by tomorrow I'll be quite recovered enough to not only stay awake for but actually pay attention to my first lectures of the year.

I find it interesting that the question I have been asked more than any other since arriving here is for whom I voted in last November's election. People I've just barely been introduced to seem to have no scruple in wishing to immediately identify my political stance. And they aren't rude about it at all, it just seems to be a matter of concern/importance to them.

Thursday night there was a big - or at least, what was SUPPOSED to be a big - dance party at one of the campus bars. I went with some people from my hall and it was...umm...well, it was fun. It was clear that most people there were far more interested in the drinking than the dancing, and those that were dancing were mostly pretty drunk, but the few people I was with hardly drank at all and we had a good evening of conversaton and dancing. Except for when a few guys got just a tad lecherous at about 1:30, so we then decided to leave. It was nice to have some company though.

I was going to make this entry longer but have now decided against it. The "a" key on this keyboard is remarkably touchy and I wind up getting multiples of that admirable vowel every time I try to use it. Further, I'm rather hungry and am going to walk into town for awhile to have some coffee and perhaps get a book. Then I'll probably curl up in my room again, tired from my day's exertion. It's sad that a mere couple of days of being ill can turn a pleasant and short walk into something genuinely tiring.

Also, I really need to try to track down some proper tissues. Do they have Kleenex in England? We shall soon find out.aa

the insomniac strikes again.

So I can't sleep in England, as it turns out. It's the weirdest thing ever. I've always prided myself on my ability to not suffer from jet lag, and I'm not certain if this is what this is, but I honestly have hardly slept hte last few nights. My first night I crashed hard and since then, nothing. Last night I was laying in my very comfy hotel room, on a very comfy bed, and I just lay there, trying not to think of how badly I wanted to go to sleep. But then came 3 a.m. and I was still awake. And during hte day, I keep myself busy, I wear myself out with miles and miles of walking and sightseeing and I feel exhausted when I get back to my hotel and then I don't fall asleep. It is oddly frustrating. The other weird thing is that I don't feel nearly as tired as I used to after not sleeping. I'm totally fine.
The weather today is very stereotypically English. It's chilly and cloudy and rainy and ugh. So I'm going to see a movie. I haven't decided yet whether I want to see "Oliver Twist" or "Pride and Prejudice" or "Howl's Moving Castle." But I have an hour and a half to decide. Actually I like how I'll debate with myself and I'll sit here and think and think about what I'd like to see but I already pretty much know that I'll see Pride and Prejudice. It's only one of my favorite books ever, so I'm sure I'll see it. Oh well.
I move into my dorm tomorrow. I'm very excited about it, but also nervous. I think no matter where I go and what I do throughout my life, I will always carry the insecurity that somehow no one will like me even when I know that it's a ridiculous worry to have. I will always be concerned that I'll somehow be all wrong and everyone but me will know it, even when the logical part of my brain tells me I'm simply being absurd. Life is funny that way.
Anyway, I had best get going. I think there are other people waiting for computers and I've been selfishly hogging this one for quite some time now.
There will be longer, more frequent updates when I move on campus. Possibly. Because there will be more frequent computer access. Then again, I'm also hoping there will be some actual friends at that point, so perhaps not.

I have arrived

Well, the day has come. And gone, actually; this is the end of my first full day in York.

Getting here was quite interesting. My 8 hour flight, express train to Victoria Station, tube from Victoria to Kings Cross, train from Kings Cross to York, and cab ride to this hostel where I sit took a lot out of me. But the city is beautiful and although the streets make no sense (I kind of miss the straight blocks of Minneapolis and for those of you who think St. Paul's streets are backward, you have no idea. Trust me) the city isn't too terribly hard to navigate it. As those of you who know me well will recall, my sense of direction is positively abysmal. But by the end of the day, I feel I'm really starting to know my way around a bit and although it's a fairly big city, it's relatively compact, especially in and near the city centre.

I walked out to the University today. I passed the place where I will be living and it is awesome. I love it, at least on the outside. I didn't have time to really explore any of the University grounds yet, but I think I'll probably do that tomorrow. I certainly still have plenty of time to work on that. Also tomorrow, and don't laugh! I'm totally going to sign up for a library card.

I really do adore the city. It is so beautiful here. A little chilly but that's something of a welcome change from the resurgence of heat and humidity we were experiencing in the cities. There are tons of ruins and churches and grounds that are just gorgeous. I haven't taken many pictures yet, because I know in the long run I'll care far more about the people I will (hopefully) eventually meet rather than the scenery, but there have been a few worth taking so far and I hope to get those up sometime fairly soon, but I can't at this computer.

Anyway, my time here is running out quickly so I had better get going, but I'm alive and well and comfortable at any rate.

Also! For the many of you that haven't, SEND ME YOUR ADDRESSES!!! I have postcards to send. Well, I mean, I don't yet. But I will, soon, and I truly do want to send them, so you all get on that.

a week!

I've been very remiss in my posting and communication lately. I tell people that this is because I am getting ready to leave the country, but that's actually a lie. I'm at a loss for packing. It both over/underwhelms me - on one hand, it seems like packing for four months is an impossibly large task that I'll never get through. Deciding even which t-shirts to take with me and to leave at home makes me feel tired, because it doesn't even really matter and yet I'm such an indecisive person that I sit there and sit there holding a t-shirt in each hand and taking about five minutes to decide on each pair of t-shirts which one I should take with me. It's brought my tragic indecision to a whole new level of absurdity. Plus I don't feel as much urgency as I ought. I've been waiting and waiting to leave the US for literally months, but I've been waiting so long that I feel as though I should just still be waiting. I've gotten so used to anticipation and have had such a shortage of reward/effect recently that I think I've grown to not expect it. The one thing I AM really anxious about is that I STILL haven't received any housing information which is making me really really uncomfortable. I think I am going to have to call them tomorrow, which I really really HATE doing. Leaving will be one of the best things for me, though, I think. I will be totally completely on my own. Even when I went to college, I had friends and family within ten minutes or so, and my parents were only a couple of hours away. But this will be different - me in another country, totally by myself. And although that's a tiny bit scary for me to consider, it is mostly really exciting.
I'm glad I'm going to be there early. I will have a few days to sort everything and explore the city and really find a few little places to make my own, perhaps. I love newness. I love finding new coffee shops, new bookstores, new random little shops filled with unexpected things. And York is such an historical city that I feel certain I will learn some interesting things just by wandering around for a couple of days. As further proof of my nerdiness, I'm also excited at the prospect of seeing the new film version of Pride and Prejudice before it's released here in the US. I love Jane Austen. As even further proof of my nerdiness, I spent about half an hour in Barnes and Noble yesterday lamenting the enormous expense of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary and the Chicago Manual of Style, both books which I have resolved firmly to one day have in my possession.
It's a beautiful autumn day today. I sat outside for awhile this afternoon in the sunshine playing with my cats. They are such funny creatures, cats. They can be extremely affectionate but it's always on their own terms. Dogs are always begging for the sort of attention that cats frequently refuse.
I really should work on packing. I'm making a concentrated effort to avoid my room though. Clothes, books, etc. are strewn everywhere. I suppose it's time to sort the chaos.

43 things...or in my case, 17. for now.

i like this site. it's kind of fun. i actually had to really think about what i want to do and accomplish and how i want to feel, so now there's a little list for anyone to see.

my 17 things/goals/hypothetical achievements.

so that's me, i guess! oh how i love finding silly ways to pass the time. this one isn't quite as silly as many others, however, and was actually pretty fun.

nothing nothing

I am so bored that I have been seriously considering chewing off my own foot just to have something interesting to talk to people about.

Also, I finish work in five days, which will not pass soon enough, and I leave for England two weeks after that but I have a bazillion details to take care of before I can leave.

That pretty much covers it. There is nothing new, nothing exciting, and as per usual I have nothing witty or interesting to say.

I've been pretty down lately. Mostly on myself, also as per usual. I have much too much spare time for thinking and my thoughts usually choose lonely paths.

oh yeah. and i'm watching the lord of the rings. at home. at 10:35 PM. lame? yes.

on and on

I think I've said this a lot this summer, but especially now, all of my days just sort of blend into one another. There isn't any thing to particularly distinguish any of them from another except for a few differences at work. Actually we had a lot of nice guests over Labor Day weekend and only one truly cranky lady that I took note of. There was one couple in particular - they were super nice. They were at the resort last summer, too, and remembered me and knew my name and made a point to stop by and chat and stuff every day. It was so nice; I love them. It's funny how much a difference it can make. It's just nice to be treated like a person instead of an invisible but convenient little robot who exists to tend to the needs of others. Not that most people are mean or anything, not at all, they're just kind of indifferent.

It's really disconcerting for me to be at home knowing everybody else is starting classes now. I feel like I should be at school; I actually really WANT to be at school. I miss campus and classes and friends and profs. and even my cramped dorm room Manor 105. It's like for the moment everyone is so engulfed with their classes and campuses that I don't quite figure in at all right now. I can't wait to go to England. Everyone's so busy and just absorbed with other things, which is certainly to be expected. I guess I'm sort of in limbo. Everyone else has TONS to get done and they're all scurrying to it but I don't have much of anything going on. I should try to order some books, though, I suppose so I can maybe get ahead in my reading before I go abroad.

In other news, my dad is both driving me insane and causing me worry (unintentionally, of course). My family is coming to London over Christmas and I was really really excited about that, because I didn't really want to spend Christmas alone without my family. But now all my dad can do is moan about money (and trust me, things have definitely been tight at times but my family is NOT in dire straits by ANY stretch of the imagination) and talk about wanting to visit some things in Germany and how everything costs too much and how he doesn't even really want to go skiing in the Alps (which he and my brother were maybe going to do) because it's too expensive. Everything as far as he's concerned is always too expensive. I don't think he's ever at a point where he feels like he can afford anything. It just makes me sad. For one, I feel like he doesn't even want to see England, a country I absolutely love and adore and York, a town that I LOVED LOVED LOVED when I visited it and will now be living in. Couldn't he be a little bit excited to see it for my sake if nothing else? I mean, I have nothing against Germany, trust me, I loved it when I was there, but I just feel like he doesn't even want to see the place where I'll be living for months and I don't understand that. He doesn't seem to want to go at all. There's no excitement about the adventure there. And he doesn't take any joy in the idea and it's making it hard for me to be excited about my family coming over; instead I feel guilty for being the cause of so much additional expense, even though I know it's surely not going to break our budget.

Whew. Well there's one rant over and done with. I just wish he were happier, I guess. And maybe that's selfish because maybe I wish he were happier so that I could be more excited, but that's the story.

Nevertheless, I am determined to be excited about going to England in less than four weeks and I am determined to have a fabulous time. I fully intend to love every second of it. So there. Haha.

The weather is beautiful today after a few days of clouds and storms. Yeesterday it was storming like DIRECTLY over us at work and I made the foolish mistake of asking the manager if the paddleboats were far enough up on the beach not to wash away into the lake and she sent me down to check. So I'm down there, in like 25 mph winds, wearing a skirt and a poncho (which, by the way, was totally worthless in that kind of wind) tugging with all my might at these paddleboats which weigh a ton more than they should because they're full of water to try to get them further up on the beach. I must have looked absolutely ridiculous. I hope none of the guests saw. Or if they did, I guess it doesn't matter, as they'll be gone by the time I return to work on Thursday. But oh, it was funny. And then I was quite damp the whole way home and afraid my car was going to be struck by lightning. The storm was just like RIGHT overhead and it was kind of scary, but all's well that ends well, right? Oh I'm such a silly girl. I worry about too many things. In retrospect, worrying about my car getting struck by lightning is a bit overly dramatic. But it was a scary storm to drive through.

I'm so happy to have a couple of days off. There's so much I should try to get done, but I know today will be a day mostly devoted to bumming around doing not much of anything. And I'll tell myself that I'll get the work done tomorrow, but it probably won't happen then, either. Isn't that how it usually goes?

fair food & friends

So today is September first. I'm really happy about that. It means that not only am I just over a month away from boarding a plane to England, I am also only 2 1/2 weeks away from being finished working at the resort for-EVER! At least I hope so. I told Steph that if I was back there last year it was only because I'd been kidnapped and brainwashed into believing that I wouldn't die if I spent another summer in central MN.

I was in the cities for a couple of days for Oracle training and such. Malin, my little muffin pie, if you are reading this, I am so very thankful you were there. It was WEIRD. Parts of it were really good - the people from the Strib who came in were awesome and really nice and helpful, but it felt awkward to be in that office trying to work without Brian and Graham and especially without Manney. I think part of me still looks for him to shuffle through that office door in a sweater and rumpled hair. Ciara brought up the time we met with the Collective, and most of us were trying to be really diplomatic and everything, and then Manney just came out with, "Well, I guess we just suck." I suppose that's only funny to a couple of people but it made me smile. I felt better about how things are going to go this year, though. I think we connect as a group really quite well, and despite some differences and changes, I think I saw for the first time that really things will be fine. It just felt so strange for me at times I was glad to have Malin there. We always seem to wind up being together in our awkwardness.

Another fun thing that happened was that Malin and I spent our first night in our new house there at the same time. I mean, it's not really "our" house because we won't be living in it at the same time but it made me happy that we were there together. The bedroom is really really tiny but it's a nice-ish sort of place and will be quite comfortable overall, I think.

AND last but not least, I went to the state fair with Mel & Mal & Phil. Good times full of disgustingly unhealthy yet extremely tasty food. Cheese curds, a nutella crepe, a bucket of cookies....mmm. It was so nice for Mel & Mal & I to be together again! We haven't all three been together since the beginning of June and all the passed time didn't seem to make one single bit of difference. Hurrah! Plus it was cool to see Phil before he left for Russia, which he did yesterday, I believe. It was a very good night. It wasn't really exuberant or chaotic or anything, but I felt so content. Friends are of incomparable value on so many levels, especially friends with whom you can be silly and honest with at the same time.

It's a good thing, actually, that I have to keep on working. I seem to be racking up bills faster than I can pay them somehow.

I had something else to say but I can't remember anymore.

so here's the thing.

I have exactly one month of work left, starting from today. September 18th and then I'm freeeee! Haha. Not that my job is so terrible. Actually, I've been berating myself lately for not getting another job over the summer. I don't really DO anything anyway, so I might as well have made some more cash, I think. It's nt like I wouldn't be able to use it, that's for sure. Silly girl, thinking she'd have a social life or something. Too, too ridiculous.

The chaos of work has suddenly halted and we've entered the lazy slow dog days of summer. The phone doesn't ring, the office is quiet. Joe and I were there last night trying desperately to actually think of work to do and we couldn't really come up with anything. Of course, about fifteen minutes before I had to leave I thought of all SORTS of things we could have done, but by then it was too late. Oh well. I'll keep some of them in mind for tonight and for the next couple of weeks.

I think it's funny how some people read blogs and read a few messages and start thinking that they know you. This isn't directed toward anyone specific; it's just a general concept that myspace has given me some insight to. And it's not that a lot of myself doesn't go into blogging or whatever, but it doesn't even come close to covering what's real in me, I don't think. Or maybe I'm just being narcississtic or something. Who knows. But it's like I have a sort of "myspace persona" that is mostly me, but not really quite, because too many things get left out. There's too much that can't be put down here, because it's too deep, too personal, too real, for such a space as this. I have multiple friends on myspace who I know in person, and it's like their myspace selves are a fraction of their real self - like they picked one part of their personality to put out here on the internet, but there's so much more to them that other people here don't really get to see at all. Maybe we're all just trying to fool ourselves into thinking that we can become what others see.

The weather isn't too stellar today, either. A little cool and cloudy and breezy. The good news is I probably won't have to put gas in very many boats or jetskis today. I hate doing gas. My shoes always get filled with sand from the beach and especially with jetskis, the gas tends to bubble up when you start putting it in and then it splashes all up my arm. The good thing about that happening is that I'm more likely to get a tip that way because I think they feel bad.

I'm going to buy my plane ticket either today or tomorrow, I think. Gulp. I also NEED to get my course transfer form filled out so I can hand that in to the registrar's office when I am in the cities next week. The only class I'm concerned about is my social policy class. I have NO CLUE what that should transfer as. Philosophy and English I'm good to go with. Jeepers I can't wait to get out of here! I'd be almost as excited, I think, if I were going back to St. Paul just because it would mean seeing all my wonderful friends down there, but I'm so, so excited to go live in England for awhile. Maybe I'm idealizing it too much. I mean, I think my classes will be tough and I will probably go totally broke there. And if I don't go broke there, I will in Ireland over j-term. But I don't even care. It'll probably be one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Yay for study abroad.

This summer seems to be passing so slowly and so quickly at the same time. Like each of my days just draaaaaag along, but overall, summer seems to have passed reasonably quickly. Hmm. It's strange.

Graham left for Germany yesterday. I hope he has an amazing year there. I didn't realize how much I'm going to miss him until a couple of nights ago, but I really will. I think part of that is because he's a part of this group of people that became just infinitely important to me the second half of this year, but mostly just because he's Graham and I'll miss him ranting about how messed up the world is and how girls shouldn't be so insecure and all kinds of things.

Also, I feel like I'm dying from Mel&Mal deprivation. I haven't seen Mel since June, and although I saw Mal a few weeks ago it feels like longer and what I REALLY want is for the three of us to be hanging out together! NOW! But soon enough, I guess.

I think that about covers it for me for today. I'm tired and I don't know why. I feel like I'm always tired lately and I don't know why. Lethargy of the mind, perhaps? It's hasn't been challenged in nearly long enough. I mean, I've been reading a ton lately since I have nothing else to do. But I need more human interaction!

slowly suffocating

I really need this summer to end. I have socialized with basically no one in weeks, except one night of hanging out with Krystle and she, poor dearie, was sick.

Tomorrow will be a busy busy day at work. It's race weekend at BIR which means we have a totally full house which means that people are going to be in and out all day long and the housekeepers will have a trillion things to do and so will I.

My updating has been extremely infrequent. But that's mostly because nothing happens here. There are flashes of moments where I wholeheartedly love my hometown because of someone I recognize on the street or a brief instant when I'm driving home from work when I come around a corner and see the stars reflected in the total stillness of the lake and the quiet soft blackness of night surrounds me and everything is peaceful. And in those moments I feel like somehow the world is all right, that somehow everything is beautiful and wondrous. But then I got back to the monotony of life as I know it and the moments are too few and far between for me to hang onto. I'm very much looking forward to weeks of moments of things that are new and different and lovely because every moment will be an adventure.

I was really secretly sort of hoping that I'd meet new people and friends and the like through work this year. Last year, Tim invited me to stuff all the time and I never went. This year, everyone at the restaurant is friendly and nice but I don't get invited to socialize. It's almost a totally different crew and things are kept more separate than they were last year. Plus I think Tim might have had a little bit of a crush on me and this year I know no one does. Surprise surprise.

Oh dearie. I need to be busy again. I miss having every minute of my day scheduled and blocked out and planned. Of course, on those days, the plan never sticks. It's just that I miss knowing I have a million things to do, that people are somehow counting on me in some way even if only for the smallest things that I'm not really that helpful for. I need less time to think.

I keep thinking about all of the wrong things with my miles of spare time. I keep thinking about what I'd be doing if I were in St. Paul or how much I actually surprisingly really miss the leanring of college and most of all I keep thinking about all the things I wish I might have done differently and also about how I'm perpetually single, which is at this point in time really a trivial matter that seems to consume far too much of my thought space. I wouldn't mind so much if it were a choice, but it seems to be more that just no one notices I'm there, you know? Hmmm. I'm feeling rather melancholy tonight. I think maybe I just ate too much ice cream. It's a definite possibility.

My mom and I spent time messing with her digital camera. She's had one for awhile but she doesn't really know how to use it so we played around with it; hence a few new pictures of me. I feel really narcississtic putting up all these pictures of myself. Which is ironic, because I really don't like any of them except one, and that one was taken by Graham.

I bought two new cds today. I have purchased more cds in the last few months than I have in a long long time. I blame jake. If he would quit telling me about amazing new bands, I wouldn't feel compelled to buy so much new music.

I think I'm going to try to go to bed soon. My mom is leaving for Florida ridiculously early tomorrow morning and it's not possible for her to get up without waking me up. Then I get the house to myself for another three days...yay.

trivial pursuits

My days are passing into one another without much to distinguish them from one another. I am mostly just killing time until I get everything finalized for England and I just can't wait to pack up and leave. It's not like I think it's going to allow me to like, "start over" or something like that, but it will be new and fresh and different, and will force me to be outside of myself for a little while, which is definitely a good thing. I'm really frustrated with this one stupid form that I have to get sent in. I've talked to about four different people about who should sign in and stuff and everyone keeps sending me elsewhere, but I think I've got it figured out. It's a financial guarantee form. I have no idea why York is making me fill it out, because Hamline guarantees them payment and Hamline bills ME, so York doesn't have to worry in the least about getting paid, but I guess they want some guarantee that I have funds to pay for stuff. Good thing I've been saving this summer.
Work is work. Every day is different but somehow the same. I'm very afraid of sinking into apathy again, but I don't think that will happen. I had a rough week or so the last few days but I think I'm coming out of it. I swear I'm so up-and-down I never know how I"m going to be doing/feeling from one day to the next, but I see a steady clearing of skies ahead, I think, which is a nice thought. Yesterday was the very nicest day I've had in a long while.
I met up with Caitlin, who I haven't seen since May at her graduation party. For the many of you who don't know Caitlin, well, she's hard to describe. She's just the loveliest girl and she is still filled with wonder and love for the world, which is just so incredibly refreshing. And I'm constantly surprised to learn that she looks up to me because in so many ways, I think she is such a good role model. We are, of course, fundamentally different in many ways (she is a much nicer person than I am and also so beautiful) and I feel so relaxed around her. It was good for me.
Anyway, she works at Culver's so we met there and talked for an hour or so, and then we got custard - I had a hot fudge/marshmallow sundae (so good. go try one. RIGHT NOW) and we went to Gregory Park, which is one of my favorite places in Brainerd, and ate our ice cream sitting on the tree that grows sideways and makes a perfect bench. As it happened, the guy who took my senior pictures was doing a family photo shoot and this family had 4 extremely nice looking boys, which only added to the enjoyment of our ice cream and the sunshine. Then we went out to Caitlin's grandmother's house over on Rice Lake. It's the cutest house, full of all these neat antiques, and they have the sweetest boathouse. It's this little like half-circle shaped building with lots of useful lake-related stuff inside. We took the canoe out to the middle of the lake and then jumped in and swam and talked and floated for about two hours or so, I think. We had the bright idea to swim all the way back to the house, pushing/pulling the canoe, but we only made it halfway before giving it up. It was just such a relaxing enjoyable day. Yay for friends and sunshine and swimming. I'm delighted to actually have a hint of a tan instead of just being really pasty.
The sky is a very weird color right now outside my window. It's this dark pinky-orangey color that makes it look as though it's going to storm. I wish it would. I love a good thunderstorm and I sure wouldn't mind it if the air cleared out for awhile. It's been so hot and humid lately. Yechhh.
I never know how to end blog entries. So this one's ending.

i don't like being cranky...

...but then, sometimes I just can't help it. This hasn't been a very good weekend for me, for a couple reasons. I've stopped sleeping again. Insomnia seems to be a random recurring thing for me now, so I'm tired, which contributes to my crankiness. It's not an excuse, but it doesn't help. I got kind of hit by a lot of emotional stuff this weekend. There's no point going into it, I just sort of clobbered myself over the head with my own slowness to understand things.

Something equally creepy and funny happened today. My mom and I decided to go bum around St. Cloud, so we just did some random shopping and such. Then we went to Barnes and Noble, where we can generally spend hours. I was looking forward to a long lazy time of wandering through aisles of books (yeah yeah, I'm a nerd) and I started picking up a few books here and there that I wanted to buy, when this random guy starts talking to me, asking me where I got my shoes. I was wearing beaded slipper-type shoes, and this guy is apparently from India originally, so I didn't see anything wrong with his asking me about my shoes, so I told him where I got them, etc. etc. Well, it doesn't end there, oh no. This guy - who, by the way, was like 35 - kept following me all around the store trying to converse with me, asking me what my name was and where I was from and how old I was and if I was in college, and he even gave me his business card and stuff. Everywhere I went, he came out from behind a bookshelf. So finally I was running around the store, dodging him, avoiding him, while desperately trying to find my mom so that we could leave because I was starting to get genuinely creeped out. So I find her, we start dodging our way around the store together, and we hurry through the checkout line and exit the store. The guy is standing outside, waiting, and he wants to shake my hand and tells me how nice it was to meet me and how much he enjoyed talking with me.....it was the most bizarre thing ever. I was like, "AhhhH! Get away from me!!" Story of my life. I finally get hit on and it's by a crazy middle-aged man. Once my mom and I left, we went to get coffee at Panera and it was a lot more humorous of a situation once I was removed from it. We started inventing a fake life for me to use in case something similar happens in the future. I'm so dumb I didn't ever know what to say. I don't have good responses and I, for some reason, kept trying to be super super polite to this person of questionable motives, like I was afraid of somehow offending him, even though he was making me want to sprint for the exit.

On the bright side, Best Buy (much to my shock and amazement) actually carried the cds I was looking for so I am now the proud owner of Copeland, Emery, and Forever Changed cds. I made my mom physically remove the Eisley cd from my hands and put it back because even though I want it super bad, I went for the new AAR cd instead, which is better than I expected so far. Music is going to bankrupt me soon. But I don't think there's a better way to go.

I saw movies with Krystle the other night, too, which was fun. I don't see her nearly enough anymore. "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" is the trippiest movie I've seen in forever. If I wasn't familiar with other work of Tim Burton's, I am pretty sure I would have assumed that the director was on crack. It was a very very interesting adaptation.

We also stopped at my uncle/godfather's house on the way home. It was really nice to see him and my aunt; I haven't seen them since Easter and they only live about 20 minutes away, which is just silly. It was a beautiful afternoon and spending a good hour or so of it out in the air under the trees at their farm was just peachy. It isn't really a farm anymore, they've sold all their cows and stuff, but it's still the farm to me. Family is a wonderful thing.

On that note, I'm going to go. I'm feeling less cranky now. I guess actually cranky and crabby weren't really the right words to begin with. Maybe unsettled and sad would be better. I'm currently reading C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed.". It is a wonderfully written missive, so well written that it makes me hurt. Every sentence seems perfectly, poignantly phrased and the writing is gorgeous, although so filled with sorrow that it doesn't do much to lift me from my unsettled state.

But tomorrow is another day.

i swallowed a bug.

I am tired. Really, really tired. I need to - I don't know. Do SOMETHING that has nothing to do with anything. My life has become very monotonous. I just work all the time. And I don't see hardly any of my friends - except, luckily, for Adam. But the last couple weeks have just been sort of a lull, for the most part.

I had an awesome 4th of July this year, though. I worked until like 3 or something, but then Adam and I hit up a movie, went out to dinner (he wouldn't let me pay, the rat - I'll have to make sure to find a way to repay that), and then chilled at Gregory Park and then watched fireworks. We were getting eaten alive by bugs. In fact, I accidentally swallowed one and was, consequently, made fun of all night because it like got stuck in my throat and I kept coughing. But the fireworks were beautiful and amazing. I hope it doesn't make me a pyro to say that I absolutely love, love, LOVE fireworks. I love the way they streak up into the sky, trailing gold behind them and then shoot into a million sparks of color, showering down. And the way they crackle and snap and bang! is wonderful to hear.

Work has been pretty crazy lately. We've been very busy, which is good, but also exhausting. I'm growing rather restless, though, with the repetitive nature of my life. I need something to shake it up. I think a trip to somewhere is going to be imminent soon, but I don't know where to go. I mean, of course there is St. Paul but most of my friends down there are working all the time & traveling and stuff anyway so I probably wouldn't get to see anyone. I just realized that I don't have anywhere else to go, though. Hmm. Dilemma.

I did get official word of my acceptance to York for the fall, so that's cool. I haven't gotten my package of information in the mail yet, though, so I don't have anything tangible to occupy my attention.

This is the first time I've ever been excited for summer to be over, I think. It's a strange feeling. Not that my summer is horrible or anything, not by any means. It's just that for one of the first times in my life, I'm more excited about what's coming than what's happening. It's kind of a good feeling, it just means that I'm rather impatient.

Another small blessing was that it was sunny and nice out yesterday afternoon so I got to spend some time out of doors on my day off. And so I finally got to sit out in the sun for a bit. I'm still pretty pasty but I have a leetle bit of color now. I also worked out in a serious way for the first time in a LONG time, and so today I'm quite sore. But in a good way, the way that means, hey, my body has accomplished something!

Anyway. I think I'm going to go do some laundry and some reading and some writing and then get myself to bed. It's been a long hot day and tomorrow promises more of the same.

my days they pass like melting ice cream

And yes, I realize that doesn't make any sense. I'm a-okay with that though.

It's been an interesting, strange, good-for-the-most-part couple of days. Yesterday I attended a gorgeous, gorgeous wedding. I'm so happy for Steve and Emily and they're so lovely together and I was just filled to overflowing with joy for them because they so much deserve the happiness that I really think they're going to have with one another. It was a rather elaborate, long Catholic wedding (as Catholic weddings are indeed wont to be) but just a beautiful ceremony filled with people who love them. It made me wonder if I'm ever quite going to find that. I don't think that many people find the kind of pure happiness that I was privy to yesterday but it was surely beautiful to behold.

My mother started talking about all the things we'll have to do at my (hypothetical) wedding. She & Penny went on and on until I finally just told her to hold up. Getting married, you see, means getting engaged, and getting engaged generally means dating someone for awhile, and that is definitely not happening right now. Or any time in the near future as far as I can tell. I hate it when she starts saying stuff like that because even though it's sweet how much she would help with it I feel like if I don't get married it'll be this huge disappointment to her.

The reception was also quite fun. Good food, good friends, fun dancing. I haven't been dancing since spring break and even though I now have some very serious blisters, it was well worth it. It was great to see and dance with Ashley again, and I've discovered that Becky is an amazingly cool girl, and it was even good to see Ben. Actually, it was really good to see him and it was nice to have someone to dance with.

Except the problem with seeing Ben is that at the same time it's good to see him, he still unhinges me. It's not that I still have any feelings for him whatsoever in the way that I once did, but rather that seeing him reminds me of how badly things went wrong and then all those feelings of inadequacy and anger and hurt and worthlessness and not-good-enoughness come flooding back in. It was such a DUMB situation to begin with!! but one that affected me very much regardless. And I really really hate that his presence still makes me feel so unhappy about myself. So I don't know whether to simply avoid him and avoid those feelings or to spend time with him until they lessen. I don't like feeling them, not one bit, and I really just despise the way I crumble under the memories of my own stupidity.

Tonight I went to see "Bewitched" with Ashley. It was cute and I laughed a lot but not as much as I might've expected to. It was a fun fluffy little film though, and I thought the premise was far more interesting than a straight adaptation of the television show would have been.

Work again tomorrow. I get to work in housekeeping for the day, yippee skippee. Actually it should be interesting. My job is to whip the housekeepers into shape so they will probably all hate me after tomorrow. But that will be okay if I can get them to start doing their jobs right so that I don't have to follow them around half the day fixing everything that they've done wrong anyway. I'll be perfectly content for them to hate my guts as long as I don't have to do any of their work. Actually I will probably not be as mean as I should be or would like to be. The office is such a zoo that I don't think I'll even mind doing some cleaning.

it takes all of my strength to be stable.

it's 3 a.m. and did i mention my insomnia was back with a vengeance? it's as if it's trying to make up for all those dratted nights i actually SLEPT since coming home.

krystle is asleep on my living room floor. i don't know what i'd do without her. i wish she were awake now, because now is the time of night where all the saddest, ugliest thoughts rise up from their thorny slumber and unite to attack me one by one. i never feel so alone or so afraid as when it's late at night and i've nowhere to run from my own angry, disheartening thoughts. They chase me 'round like a mad dog down a dead-end street - they're dangerous and there's nowhere to run from them.

i don't know how to keep myself from being sad so much. i know there's so much i ought to be glad about and grateful for and happy about but i can't help feeling like i'm so shut off and that there's some part of me that keeps me from actually entering any genuine happiness for more than a mere splendid moment or two before i snatch myself out of it. i have so many things to be thankful for and yet i find myself an ungrateful wretch who doesn't know what to do with herself except weep and mope, and what a sorry condition that puts me in.

worries worries worries and cares about others who i see self-destructing before me. ten nine eight and bam soon they'll be gone if i don't find a way to stop the ticking but i don't know what wire to cut. and if i cut the wrong one it'll save no one and will only make the explosion come that much faster so what color redyellowbluegreenredyellowbluegreen? which is it to be.

this is the most abstract random post i know i've done in a very long time but my thoughts themselves are very incoherent right now, now in the witching hour of night. forgive the paraphrase of hamlet but i seem to think shakespeare says things better than i myself am capable of doing.

sometimes i feel like i'm exactly where i ought to be and doing what i should and feeling as glad about being so alive as i am but other times it just seems to hurt too much for no reason in particular and i don't know why. i can come up with several independent reasons but even all added up it doesn't seem as though they should equal what they do. it seems that perhaps sorrows multiply instead of add hmm that's a problem because it means they'll always outweigh the joys exponentially unless i find a way to balance.

dont worry i'm sure tomorrow i'll be back to my usual joking jolly self but right now i can't pretend to be anything but cracked. this isn't a cry in the dark so please don't leave your pity. just know that as my friends you mean more to me than just about anything and you keep me in one piece at least for the most part.

too many thoughts too many moments to think.

oh me oh my what a world.

I worry too much. FAR too much. And then I get carried away and go a little crazy and then five hours later, when I finally force myself to really think and consider what I have done/said/thought, I realize that I've been silly and crazy and overreacted for no good reason, but by that point saying anything else would be foolish and make me sound even dumber so I just let it pass, hoping people will forget what a loser I can be.

Ever since Manney died, I have this little warning alarm in my head that causes me to become somewhat imbalanced whenever I hear about anyone being sad or depressed and it makes me go a little nutty. And I wish it didn't, because I'm sure I do and say things that make people go, "Whoa. Settle freakin' down." They are absolutely correct to say so. It's just that I have this intense need, more than ever before, to make absolutely totally completely sure that all of my friends know that I'm there for them in any capacity if I need them. Heck, I was ready to skip a day of school, pack up and go broke catching a flight to New York this spring when I thought Krystle might want/need me around, and it's been a rough year for many, and so I find myself on emotional overload a lot.

I've always been a worrier, though. Ask Mary. She always used to laugh at me and tell me to quit mothering everyone - and it is totally true. That's what I do. I don't know why. It's like whenever people come over to my house, my mother and I are both compelled to make sure that there is just tons and tons of food for people to eat. Some people are satisfied with making popcorn and having chips, but me? no. What do I do? I make veggie pizza and mongolian skewers and bake brownies and make kool-aid. And have chips. I get too much from my mother, I think, but in a way I guess that is a good thing as well.

On a less abstract and more cheerful note, I saw "Batman Begins" last night. Pretty darn sweet. I enjoyed it enormously. And not just because of Christian Bale, either, although he didn't hurt. He turned in a stellar performance, as did most of the cast members except for Katie Holmes' character, who just never quite seemed to fit 100% into the story for me. But I'm gonna stop being such a nerd now and go finish up some work. And eat my freakin' dinner, already. I had to clean a room and do some maid service so I haven't even had the chance to eat yet. Sheesh.

fractions of a life.

Ahh. Work, work, work. And drama, drama, drama. Both seem to follow me wherever I go. The last two days of work have been particularly hectic and crazy and obnoxious, what with busy season coming up and a family reunion at the resort and the housekeepers not knowing what they're doing so that I spent half my days cleaning up after them. How's that for a paradox? The office worker spends half her work time cleaning up after the cleaners....oh well. It could be worse, I suppose. There is less tension in the office this year, it seems, and more people to vent with/to, so that's a bonus.

As crummy as today was, however, my drive home more than made up for it. The sun was only just starting to go down when I left today and my drive home was so beautiful. I kicked off my shoes and took down my hair and drove home with all the windows down and the music gloriously loud. And as soon as I hit county road 1, everything always becomes so much better and I am reminded that even if there are small petty parts of my life that I don't like, I'm so lucky and blessed to be part of this extraordinary life, as ordinary as it often seems and feels. When I'm driving past a lake, with the road winding out in front of me, twisting over hills that seem to beckon to my right foot to hit that gas pedal just a little harder, and I'm smelling freshly cut grass and the sun is shining in my face, it's hard for me to be too sad or angry about anything. And those feelings of anger and sadness always return, of course, but it helps immensely that they're tempered now with images of lake and forest and sun in front of me with the wind at my back, pushing me home.

I think I've told a lot of people this, but I never cease to be amazed at how many different shades of green there are. There's this overlook on my road to/from work, called "Stark's Vista" and it's the most gorgeous overlook of trees I think I've ever, ever seen. It makes all of the day's frustration and irritants and anger vaporize before me like the mist coming up from the road on a warm day after it's rained. It's a wonderful thing.

I think growing up in the Lakes area makes it hard for me to appreciate the beauty of the area. People come all the way from like California and Massachussetts to vacation at our resort and I'm just like, "Why? I don't get it. It's a lake, people. It's a forest..." etc. I am only just learning to appreciate my surroundings.

But as lucky as I am in my beautiful drives, I crave human company as well, so I'm having people over tomorrow and it seems like it'll actually be a fairly good gathering. So if you're in the area and know where I live, be there. We're watching kid's movies all night and it's going to be super. It's sounding like there might be a fairly decent turnout, too, which is definitely good because as much as I love one-on-one events, sometimes I just need to be surrounded by people, even if I know I'll feel swallowed up by them at some point.

And Tuesday night. Oh, man, am I excited for Tuesday. I work until 11 p.m. but Brainerd's being cool enough to have a midnight showing of "Batman Begins," which I am ridiculously excited to see. So I'm totally going. So are Krystle and Adam; I'm totally thrilled. It may sound lame, but hey, that's me. I'm cool with that.

I finally got to go to church this morning! I was so glad. I felt so much at peace and it was so nice to have people asking me how I am. I adore my congregation. It is filled with some of the most generous, wonderful, interesting people I've ever met. I'm lucky to know them. And I love the design of our church. I'm sure the new one we're building is cool and all, but I'm really going to miss this building. It has a life, a story of its own, and when I'm sitting in church in the morning and the sun comes through the stained glass windows at the front and the warmth spreads across my face, I feel more at peace with myself than almost anywhere else.

I need a digital camera. All my pictures on myspace have been on here forever now, but I have no new sources. I'll have to work on that. I hope everyone's summer is treating them well. And for those of you I haven't been corresponding with very well lately (and you know who you are), I miss you so call/write/email me and kick me into communicating.

And that's a wrap. At least for tonight. I have tomorrow off so I am going to bed so that I can get up early and pack in as much "off" time as I possibly can.

as i told jake, i'm as bored as a cat with no tail to chase.

I just realized it's been over a week again now since I've updated. My, how time does fly when one is....not....having fun!

Yesterday was the first really really fun day I've had for awhile. Krystle and I had our first double-feature day in ages and saw "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" and "The Longest Yard," both of which were actually better than I thought, especially the first one. "The Longest Yard" wasn't quite what I thought and there was one plot point that I saw as totally stupid and needless, but what can a girl do. In between films, we continued our tradition of going to Pizza Hut for pepperoni & mushroom pizza, but our tradition was disrupted by the fact that on this particular occasion, we actually had a good waitress.

Afterwards, we had absolutely no desire whatsoever to return to our homes, so we hit the Paul Bunyan Trail barefoot for quite awhile, just walking and talking about anything and everything. The wonderful thing about Krystle is she's the only friend I think I'm actually totally, completely, 100% honest with all the time. And by that I don't mean that I lie to my other friends, but Krystle is sometimes the only friend I feel I can tell everything to for whatever reason. I'm never worried about her being judgemental or angry with me or anything else except my best friend. The walk and the thinking was good.

I did a lot of thinking, and I found out that I discovered my greatest fear. It's a strange and complicated one, one which I shall save for another post (if I bother to tell the world at all), but I've come to understand myself a little better from the realization. Sometimes I'm feeling afraid, but I don't always know exactly what I'm afraid of. And then when I discover it, I find out that I'm more afraid once I realize precisely what it is I'm afraid of, even while I'm feeling relieved for finally understanding what it is I'm afraid of. It was a miniature revelation for me. And it makes me feel somewhat isolated and more than a little bit crazy, so I need time to sift through things in my head before I try to put anything into words of any kind.

We also stopped by her grandma's house in Pillager. I would just like to say that she is one of the all-time coolest grandmas I have ever, ever known. And she has delicious lemony sweetness in the form of iced tea at her house, too.

Shoot. I just realized my CD is still in Krystle's car, I think. Rats. She got hired today at Herberger's though, which is exciting! She'll be working in the shoe department. When I told my mom that, she laughed and said that Krystle wouldn't make any money because she'll buy too many shoes, a statement to which I did my utmost to defend her.

I've been accused by several people of talking an inordinate amount about Krystle in my blog - perhaps this is true. I shall do my best to limit myself from now on.

I went down to visit Mel, Mal, and the rest of the St. Paul gang last week. I had a good time, for the most part, but I realized that I am missing out on so much. As I told Mel, I know all of the big things that are happening with people, but I'm missing all of the small things that make things fun. I'm missing the little things - the random spasms of uncontrollable laughter, the smirks that appear when faces are turned, the moments of tears and worries that pass in an hour but are life-and-death important within the moment. It makes me sad to know I'm missing those things, but if I were down there I would be missing those things up here with a few people so I guess it is kind of an impossible catch-22.

The resort is very un-busy tonight. The phone hasn't rung in an hour. Oh, how I wish I had brought a book with me. I used to do that all the time last summer for slow nights. And I have "All the King's Men" at home, which I'm dying to read. Shoot.

Tomorrow is my other day off this week. It's going to be sort of D-Day for me at the house. I'm determined to attack the backyard and get all of the weeds out from around the firepit, re-stack the firewood, re-build the fire ring as necessary, and weed my flowerbeds. I also want to get my closet cleaned up, all my clothes put away, and as many things unpacked as possible. It'll make my mom a happy camper and it'll make me extremely happy to be able to see my carpet. My room is disgusting.

On that cheerful visual note, I'll leave you all for the evening.