The posting will be considerably less frequent now that I am at home, for the simple reason that my life is simpler, less varied, and more monotonous. This is not necessarily a bad thing - at moments, I really appreciate the quiet clean-ness (and no, I don't mean cleanliness) of the air and the people. I might not be amongst the most intellectually stimulating group of people at all times, but they're so unassuming here in my little town. People say what they think and they're always nice to me in a way that isn't condescending or mean or stuck up. I don't think I could ever live here, but at times, it's really nice to be a temporary resident.
I'm also so proud of going back to the coffee shop every time I go! Honestly, most of us were convinced when we started it up that it would fold within about 6 months, and it's now been open for over two years. Which isn't to say that it's exactly financially thriving or anything, but it's still up and running, which is definitely amazing and cool. It's fun going back in and remembering all of the work we put into it and being able to think, "I painted that wall and varnished that table and pulled down the wall that used to be there." It's rewarding in a small way.
Work is...well...work. There doesn't seem to be nearly as much drama around the place as there was last year, which is certainly a relief, since I think I've had enough drama recently to last me for quite a long time, and I did get a raise. And a key. Getting a key, that's pretty big. I don't think Maxine trusts hardly anybody enough to give them a key, so that's cool.
It was SO unbelievably wonderful to hang out with Krystle this week. It's been a few days now, but I was so glad to see her. We watched "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" and she had dinner here with my family and then we went to see "Kicking and Screaming." Which wasn't quite as funny as I'd hoped it would be, but it most surely had a few good moments. Krystle, in case you can't tell, is my movie buddy. We see lots and lots of movies together - good, bad, and ugly. It just what we do. I'm thinking perhaps we should have our first sleepover of the year tonight since I don't work tomorrow and maybe I can get together with Mary sometime tomorrow afternoon...that would be a pretty much perfect day. I really need to get some more unpacking and cleaning done. I've done virtually none whatsoever. I seem to have lost my will to live in any sort of organized fashion - I barely do enough laundry to have clean and decent work outfits ready. Hmm. Something to work on.
Ever since I started working full-time in the summer last year, my respect for my parents has increased like tenfold. Not that I didn't respect them before, but now I come home from work and all I want to do is a whole lot of nothing. How they ever came home from 9-10 hour days and then made sure that my brother and I had dinner, were fed, clothed, etc. is totally beyond my comprehension. I guess you do what you have to do, but I'm having serious doubts about my capabilities as a parent. Ever.
I'm going to the Cities (does anyone else think it's pretentious of Minnesotans to refer to St. Paul/Minneapolis as "the Cities," as if there are no other cities??) on Wednesday night and coming back up to Staples on Friday morning to get to work by 2 p.m. So if you're living down there and would like to see me, give me a call and we'll work something out. I also need a place to stay....
I think that covers it for now. I also think now would be a really good time to take a nap, since my parents and Hanna have not yet returned from her co-graduation party. Yesssss.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Sunday, May 22, 2005
holding on to something
Today has been a strange day. It was a perfectly good one, but I've just had some odd thoughts running through my mind at times. It is probably the result of far too much coffee and far too little sleep, but there you have it. That's why it's good that I pretty much only give this site out to friends because I'm pretty sure most of you already know that I'm crazy. I started work again, which was fine. The boss and the manager both seemed quite glad to see me, and as much as I might dislike my job at times, it's always nice to be wanted/needed.
Which brings me to another point. And before I go any further, I don't want anyone to feel obligated to reassure me about anything because if I've learned anything this year, it's that life absolutely offers no guarantees of any kind and reassuring anyone with false promises about things is never a good idea.
I've been thinking about relationships. I always half-jokingly tell everyone that I'm bad at relationships because my longest one has only ever been about three months, and I haven't even known what to term most of my relationships, if that's what I'm going to call them. I smile and laugh and remind people that I'm the last person on earth to ask for relationship advice because I'm so terrible at them - but I'm half wincing inside for fear that it's the truth.
I have no idea why this is. Maybe I just haven't met the right person, or haven't recognized that the right person is around, or maybe, for all I know, I won't necessarily wind up with anyone. I don't have any idea whatsoever. This is a new concept for me.
Now, to be truthful, I really do think that God does, in fact, have someone in mind for me. Sometimes it's hard to know if the things I perceive as signs or pointers are mere wishful thinking though. And I'm only twenty. So it's not like my world is ending tomorrow, but it seems like almost every single person - no, scratch that - every single friend of mine who's my age has, I believe, been in more of a relationship than I have. That's another thing I just came to realize tonight, and it makes me feel a little strange. Like there's some secret or something that I just don't see or know about, and I'm too blind to make it out somehow. Or that maybe I had my chance(s) and I just blew them by not paying attention or by allowing other things to get in the way.
Hmm.
Other than that, it was a good weekend. Caitlin's graduation party was this weekend and I loved being there and seeing her and being out on her lake in a paddleboat at about 1 a.m. didn't hurt, either. There were moments where I just totally spaced out though and for whatever reason, in the dark, damp woodiness of the lakeshore, I thought of Manney and couldn't get him out of my mind. I felt there, for some reason, at moments, that it was the sort of night he would've loved - exploring a random cabin foundation/chimney by moonlight and sitting around a fire telling random stories. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he would've thought we were being dorks, but it's just a feeling I had.
I also desperately missed Joe. If he'd been there and I'd been having those moments, I would've grabbed him and we would've gone for a walk and just talked our hearts out, but now that he's in Brazil I don't have my walking and talking companion anymore. I'm so happy for him, though, that he's been able to grow and change so much in the last year and that he's doing just fine being in Brazil even by himself. It takes so much courage to just up and move to a foreign country like he has, and even though I miss him dreadfully, I'm trying to be unselfish and be purely happy for him, and I'm getting pretty close.
Krystle comes home in two days. Normally that would have an exclamation point. But exclamation points, in my opinion, are quite trivial, and this is an event that matters too much to me to be polluted with those irritatingly perky punctuation marks. They seem to scream, 'ooohh, oohhh, look at me, look at me," just like that one girl in high school that everyone knew and despised because of her false demeanor and insistence on being full of school spirit and condescending kindness. I'm not speaking of anyone specific from my high school, just so you all know, it's more just a composite stereotype that I speak of here.
This is getting very long. Which is too bad, because it's only been 20 minutes since I began writing it, and I'm quite bored already. I can't go to bed yet - I'm far too unsleepy - but there isn't a whole lot else to do around the house this time of night.
Which brings me to another point. And before I go any further, I don't want anyone to feel obligated to reassure me about anything because if I've learned anything this year, it's that life absolutely offers no guarantees of any kind and reassuring anyone with false promises about things is never a good idea.
I've been thinking about relationships. I always half-jokingly tell everyone that I'm bad at relationships because my longest one has only ever been about three months, and I haven't even known what to term most of my relationships, if that's what I'm going to call them. I smile and laugh and remind people that I'm the last person on earth to ask for relationship advice because I'm so terrible at them - but I'm half wincing inside for fear that it's the truth.
I have no idea why this is. Maybe I just haven't met the right person, or haven't recognized that the right person is around, or maybe, for all I know, I won't necessarily wind up with anyone. I don't have any idea whatsoever. This is a new concept for me.
Now, to be truthful, I really do think that God does, in fact, have someone in mind for me. Sometimes it's hard to know if the things I perceive as signs or pointers are mere wishful thinking though. And I'm only twenty. So it's not like my world is ending tomorrow, but it seems like almost every single person - no, scratch that - every single friend of mine who's my age has, I believe, been in more of a relationship than I have. That's another thing I just came to realize tonight, and it makes me feel a little strange. Like there's some secret or something that I just don't see or know about, and I'm too blind to make it out somehow. Or that maybe I had my chance(s) and I just blew them by not paying attention or by allowing other things to get in the way.
Hmm.
Other than that, it was a good weekend. Caitlin's graduation party was this weekend and I loved being there and seeing her and being out on her lake in a paddleboat at about 1 a.m. didn't hurt, either. There were moments where I just totally spaced out though and for whatever reason, in the dark, damp woodiness of the lakeshore, I thought of Manney and couldn't get him out of my mind. I felt there, for some reason, at moments, that it was the sort of night he would've loved - exploring a random cabin foundation/chimney by moonlight and sitting around a fire telling random stories. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he would've thought we were being dorks, but it's just a feeling I had.
I also desperately missed Joe. If he'd been there and I'd been having those moments, I would've grabbed him and we would've gone for a walk and just talked our hearts out, but now that he's in Brazil I don't have my walking and talking companion anymore. I'm so happy for him, though, that he's been able to grow and change so much in the last year and that he's doing just fine being in Brazil even by himself. It takes so much courage to just up and move to a foreign country like he has, and even though I miss him dreadfully, I'm trying to be unselfish and be purely happy for him, and I'm getting pretty close.
Krystle comes home in two days. Normally that would have an exclamation point. But exclamation points, in my opinion, are quite trivial, and this is an event that matters too much to me to be polluted with those irritatingly perky punctuation marks. They seem to scream, 'ooohh, oohhh, look at me, look at me," just like that one girl in high school that everyone knew and despised because of her false demeanor and insistence on being full of school spirit and condescending kindness. I'm not speaking of anyone specific from my high school, just so you all know, it's more just a composite stereotype that I speak of here.
This is getting very long. Which is too bad, because it's only been 20 minutes since I began writing it, and I'm quite bored already. I can't go to bed yet - I'm far too unsleepy - but there isn't a whole lot else to do around the house this time of night.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
home again
There are so many things I hate about moving. It's inconvenient at best, and usually overwhelming. And that's just me speaking about moving out of a dorm room. What will I do if I ever have a real apartment or home? I'm going to have to learn to be much less materialistic and much more streamlined in my lifestyle if I ever intend to be fully mobile.
I've been home about an hour and my mom is already driving me a little bit crazy. She is sometimes very bad at really listening. She talked almost the whole way home. And when she sings along to the radio, it drives me crazy (though, to be fair, in all probability, I inherited my singing voice from her). So in an attempt to get her to not do that, I usually try to involve her in conversation whenever there's a song on that I happen to like. But tonight she would have none of it. I'd try to tell her about my Shakespeare final or about my week or something and she'd just start telling me a story about her kids (the ones she teaches). Perhaps it's narcissistic of me to assume that she would want to hear all about how my week has been, but I would have liked to have discussed it and she just would not listen. Not that she doesn't have stories to tell. I just felt like even when I did talk for a few brief moments, she wasn't listening. She was sort of hearing what I said, but not really LISTENING. And I don't like that. There's such an enormous gap between hearing and listening. One that I think we fail to bridge much too often.
I don't know what to do with all my books from this year. My bookshelves have been overflowing for years, and now I think I'm going to have to just keep them boxed up because there is nowhere else in my room to put them at all. I should learn to let go and get rid of some of them, probably, but I'm doubtful of that happening.
Ahhhh, what a relief it is to have space, though! I think living in such closer quarters as a dorm room is wearing on anyone and any relationship. Having my basement back is almost overwhelming in its light and space and airiness. I know, you think, airiness? In a basement? 'Tis true, my friends. Those of you who've been to my house know that it's built into a hill, so only part of the basement is actually a basement, and my room has gloriously large windows facing west.
Golly, I'm going to miss Mal and Mel. I do already. Hmm. This could be a problem.
That's all I've got for tonight.
I've been home about an hour and my mom is already driving me a little bit crazy. She is sometimes very bad at really listening. She talked almost the whole way home. And when she sings along to the radio, it drives me crazy (though, to be fair, in all probability, I inherited my singing voice from her). So in an attempt to get her to not do that, I usually try to involve her in conversation whenever there's a song on that I happen to like. But tonight she would have none of it. I'd try to tell her about my Shakespeare final or about my week or something and she'd just start telling me a story about her kids (the ones she teaches). Perhaps it's narcissistic of me to assume that she would want to hear all about how my week has been, but I would have liked to have discussed it and she just would not listen. Not that she doesn't have stories to tell. I just felt like even when I did talk for a few brief moments, she wasn't listening. She was sort of hearing what I said, but not really LISTENING. And I don't like that. There's such an enormous gap between hearing and listening. One that I think we fail to bridge much too often.
I don't know what to do with all my books from this year. My bookshelves have been overflowing for years, and now I think I'm going to have to just keep them boxed up because there is nowhere else in my room to put them at all. I should learn to let go and get rid of some of them, probably, but I'm doubtful of that happening.
Ahhhh, what a relief it is to have space, though! I think living in such closer quarters as a dorm room is wearing on anyone and any relationship. Having my basement back is almost overwhelming in its light and space and airiness. I know, you think, airiness? In a basement? 'Tis true, my friends. Those of you who've been to my house know that it's built into a hill, so only part of the basement is actually a basement, and my room has gloriously large windows facing west.
Golly, I'm going to miss Mal and Mel. I do already. Hmm. This could be a problem.
That's all I've got for tonight.
sitting, waiting, wishing....
It's a Wednesday and it's my last night at Hamline until next October, assuming that everything goes through for study abroad. I'm actually in the Oracle office right now, with Malin, waiting for Mel to call.
If someone had told me even two months ago that I'd have such mixed feelings about going home for the summer, I'm not sure I would have believed it. It's amazing how quickly friendships can take root when they need to. I think part of me is just afraid that some of my newer friends will wind up not being my friends just as suddenly as they became my friends, thought I think that's probably just me being crazy.
Tonight wasn't really the night I had hoped for, but I've come to realize it doesn't matter. There are going to be many more opportunities not only to figure out my thoughts on certain subjects but also to spend time with the people I care about and to have fun with them. There will be many visits this summer, of that I am certain. It won't, of course, be the same, but it will still matter in the way that only particular moments and laughs can matter.
I'm also really going to miss the Oracle. I'm sort of addicted to it. I complain about filling my pages and irresponsibility and my own admitted laziness, but when it comes down to it, it's grown to be something I need to do somehow. I think it's because pretty much everyone else here is super cool and a lot of them are a huge part of the reason I've been even remotely happy lately. I don't have any idea what I'd do without them. especially mel and mal.
I'm halfway through my college career already. At least, I am as an undergraduate student. There's always grad school, of course, but who knows when and if I'll ever even get there, and it'll definitely be a very different kind of experience than this has been so far. I'm sad that my time here is half over when I've just figured out how to be okay with myself here, but the good news is, I have two years to get it right. Or rather, three semesters after I get back next year. I can't get over how weird that is for me!
I finally finished with Physics today. I don't think my final went terribly well, but I don't think it went terribly badly, either. At any rate, I feel fairly certain that I won't get less than a B in the class, and although that's definitely not what I was shooting for, it's also something I can definitely live with. My Shakespeare grade should be interesting. I have no idea what she's going to think of my final. I really liked my essays, but they were kind of abstract and I don't know how much detail she was looking for, so I guess I'll just have to see. I think my papers are ok though.
Here's to hoping my roommate isn't mad at me for being out until 3:30 a.m. the night before I leave without her! But she has no reason to be because she could've called my cell at any time during the night and she did not. Lots more to post about (disclaimer: if one has a strong affinity for the Star Wars movies, one might want to consider carefully whether or not to read my next post(s)).
If someone had told me even two months ago that I'd have such mixed feelings about going home for the summer, I'm not sure I would have believed it. It's amazing how quickly friendships can take root when they need to. I think part of me is just afraid that some of my newer friends will wind up not being my friends just as suddenly as they became my friends, thought I think that's probably just me being crazy.
Tonight wasn't really the night I had hoped for, but I've come to realize it doesn't matter. There are going to be many more opportunities not only to figure out my thoughts on certain subjects but also to spend time with the people I care about and to have fun with them. There will be many visits this summer, of that I am certain. It won't, of course, be the same, but it will still matter in the way that only particular moments and laughs can matter.
I'm also really going to miss the Oracle. I'm sort of addicted to it. I complain about filling my pages and irresponsibility and my own admitted laziness, but when it comes down to it, it's grown to be something I need to do somehow. I think it's because pretty much everyone else here is super cool and a lot of them are a huge part of the reason I've been even remotely happy lately. I don't have any idea what I'd do without them. especially mel and mal.
I'm halfway through my college career already. At least, I am as an undergraduate student. There's always grad school, of course, but who knows when and if I'll ever even get there, and it'll definitely be a very different kind of experience than this has been so far. I'm sad that my time here is half over when I've just figured out how to be okay with myself here, but the good news is, I have two years to get it right. Or rather, three semesters after I get back next year. I can't get over how weird that is for me!
I finally finished with Physics today. I don't think my final went terribly well, but I don't think it went terribly badly, either. At any rate, I feel fairly certain that I won't get less than a B in the class, and although that's definitely not what I was shooting for, it's also something I can definitely live with. My Shakespeare grade should be interesting. I have no idea what she's going to think of my final. I really liked my essays, but they were kind of abstract and I don't know how much detail she was looking for, so I guess I'll just have to see. I think my papers are ok though.
Here's to hoping my roommate isn't mad at me for being out until 3:30 a.m. the night before I leave without her! But she has no reason to be because she could've called my cell at any time during the night and she did not. Lots more to post about (disclaimer: if one has a strong affinity for the Star Wars movies, one might want to consider carefully whether or not to read my next post(s)).
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
lame new story
i just wrote this and haven't revised it at all so it's pretty terrible right now. but it's something i'm going to work on later and i thought i might be able to think about it differently if i put it out somewhere to air.
she sits looking out the window, hair in her eyes. she's too tired to bother brushing it away - or maybe she just doesn't notice anymore - so instead she keeps her arms folded across her as though they can keep her thoughts from exploding out of her chest, through her lungs, and into her voice. because, she figures, as long as they stay buried they aren't real.
inside she feels like she's on fire, except for her fingers which are ice cold to the touch.
she hasn't slept in days and it's starting to show. the slivers of darkness under her eyes match the dark spots in her mind, the ones that keep swimming through her thoughts trying to cover the brightness.
it's four a.m. and she's still looking out the window. her roommate wakes up and asks what she's doing, says "you have a final in the morning and so do i so go to sleep." but she doesn't understand that sleep isn't something that can be commanded, it's something that has to come.
she strains her eyes, desperate to see the stars that are blotted out by the dim orangeness of the city lights, craning her head upward so long that her neck becomes stiff and knotted with anxiety about the vanished stars. what if the stars are like her thoughts, and not seeing them makes them untrue?
suddenly she's crying and she can't feel them slipping down her face like rain down a windowpane, but they course down her face and drip onto the bedspread. her roommate sits up again and asks what's wrong? but she can't speak for the longest time and when the girl in the bottom bunk falls asleep again she thinks to herself that maybe the stars aren't gone, maybe she just can't see them anymore.
she sits looking out the window, hair in her eyes. she's too tired to bother brushing it away - or maybe she just doesn't notice anymore - so instead she keeps her arms folded across her as though they can keep her thoughts from exploding out of her chest, through her lungs, and into her voice. because, she figures, as long as they stay buried they aren't real.
inside she feels like she's on fire, except for her fingers which are ice cold to the touch.
she hasn't slept in days and it's starting to show. the slivers of darkness under her eyes match the dark spots in her mind, the ones that keep swimming through her thoughts trying to cover the brightness.
it's four a.m. and she's still looking out the window. her roommate wakes up and asks what she's doing, says "you have a final in the morning and so do i so go to sleep." but she doesn't understand that sleep isn't something that can be commanded, it's something that has to come.
she strains her eyes, desperate to see the stars that are blotted out by the dim orangeness of the city lights, craning her head upward so long that her neck becomes stiff and knotted with anxiety about the vanished stars. what if the stars are like her thoughts, and not seeing them makes them untrue?
suddenly she's crying and she can't feel them slipping down her face like rain down a windowpane, but they course down her face and drip onto the bedspread. her roommate sits up again and asks what's wrong? but she can't speak for the longest time and when the girl in the bottom bunk falls asleep again she thinks to herself that maybe the stars aren't gone, maybe she just can't see them anymore.
Monday, May 16, 2005
killing time...
Even though I should be attacking my physics to try to nail this stupid final. I HATE cumulative finals more than anything, especially in a class like physics where the different units don't relate to one another. My Shakespeare final I'm a lot less worried about for the simple reason that I understand the material and how the different materials connect to one another.
A conversation with Graham sparked my mind into thinking about my major and how much I love it. I'm the nerdiest English nerd I know, and I love every minute of it. I love looking at a text and hunting for inconsistencies or for beautiful words and phrases to read through. I love looking for different patterns in the language, for different ways to phrase things, looking for ways to let words touch me. I wish I could write in a way that would affect others even a fraction of the way in which some of my favorite works have affected me. I started wondering what I would be majoring in if I weren't an English major, and truthfully, I have no idea whatsoever. As much as I procrastinate and complain and sometimes struggle, I love the ideas and texts and professors of my department. I've never felt academically dissatisfied at Hamline, I don't think, which I am gathering is something fairly unusual.
It's strange; most kids come to college and love their social lives but hate their classes. For me it was the other way around for a very long time, although this year and especially this semester I feel like I'm finally finding a niche, finding people with whom I'm comfortable and happy to share my life with. It's a good feeling.
Tonight Mal and I are going to chill out with each other and do something cool. I don't know what yet, but I'm sure we'll think of something.
Even though it was dampened with dark spots, this weekend was one of the best ones of my life. Truthfully. It makes me sad to be going home for the summer when I've just found people here that I love spending time with so much. But then again, home carries the promise of Krystle and Adam. And hopefully Caitlin and Jake on occasion, and seeing Graham before he leaves for Germany. And the excitement of visitation. Visits are more exciting than regular hanging out because they get made more special, so I get to claim that for myself when I come down here this summer.
Now. Physics. Could I hate that class any more right now? That's what I thought.
A conversation with Graham sparked my mind into thinking about my major and how much I love it. I'm the nerdiest English nerd I know, and I love every minute of it. I love looking at a text and hunting for inconsistencies or for beautiful words and phrases to read through. I love looking for different patterns in the language, for different ways to phrase things, looking for ways to let words touch me. I wish I could write in a way that would affect others even a fraction of the way in which some of my favorite works have affected me. I started wondering what I would be majoring in if I weren't an English major, and truthfully, I have no idea whatsoever. As much as I procrastinate and complain and sometimes struggle, I love the ideas and texts and professors of my department. I've never felt academically dissatisfied at Hamline, I don't think, which I am gathering is something fairly unusual.
It's strange; most kids come to college and love their social lives but hate their classes. For me it was the other way around for a very long time, although this year and especially this semester I feel like I'm finally finding a niche, finding people with whom I'm comfortable and happy to share my life with. It's a good feeling.
Tonight Mal and I are going to chill out with each other and do something cool. I don't know what yet, but I'm sure we'll think of something.
Even though it was dampened with dark spots, this weekend was one of the best ones of my life. Truthfully. It makes me sad to be going home for the summer when I've just found people here that I love spending time with so much. But then again, home carries the promise of Krystle and Adam. And hopefully Caitlin and Jake on occasion, and seeing Graham before he leaves for Germany. And the excitement of visitation. Visits are more exciting than regular hanging out because they get made more special, so I get to claim that for myself when I come down here this summer.
Now. Physics. Could I hate that class any more right now? That's what I thought.
Saturday, May 14, 2005
blogs are strange...
...because when I post in a blog, I don't really think that much about what anyone else is going to think of what I write or how they'll react to it. Sometimes I do, but more often I'm just letting the words fly out of my fingers until some of the emotion that I'm feeling drains out of me as well. So I probably often sound a lot more dramatic when I write than I ought to. It's not that I'm writing anything for reassurance or to be complimented or to boost my ego, it's just what happens to be the truth to me at the particular moment in which I'm writing it. When I'm feeling calmer or happier or whatever, I tend to have less of a need to get it out, and so there tends to be less written by me at those moments.
When I very first starting having a blog, I didn't really give out the address to many people and I also didn't really think about anyone but my friends reading it. And even though I knew that posting something on the internet meant that pretty much anyone could read what I write, I didn't really think anyone did. Until the other day. I got a comment from a lady who I've never met. It was a really nice comment, it's just that the effect of said comment was that I finally realized that whatever I write I'm putting out there for anyone to access. Which is fine, but it suddenly makes me feel and seem a tad more vulnerable than I had really realized before. Interesting. If the stuff I write in my blog seems dramatic sometimes though, man, you should see my real journal. Which you won't, because no one does. But it's much more detailed and in-depth. I love having my regular journal though. It's leather (which some people might be opposed to but I love the smell and the feel and the look, plus it's supremely durable) and I have spent hours at a time writing in it, especially lately. It's a different feeling, actually writing something out instead of typing. It seems to me to require more careful forethought and deliberation. When I'm typing, I can almost type at the speed of thought, but when I write, I'm really contemplating the space that I'm taking up on the page because it seeems like a more real space, while the space on an internet page seems like more a virtual space (that's the influence my philosophy class has on me).
I think technology makes too many things too easy and even though it makes it easier to keep in touch with people, I think it separates them just as much as it brings them together. I'm with Brian on this issue, and as such I've determined to not purchase an iPod, even if that means that I have to bring a separate small suitcase to carry some of my cd collection to Europe. iPods, in general, keep people entirely in their own worlds and away from everyone who is actually around them.
In an effort to fight this, I plan to have a good time tonight at the Oracle party and after party before being picked up by my dad tomorrow morning to celebrate my mom's graduation - she's getting her master's degree at the age of 51! I'm proud of her.
When I very first starting having a blog, I didn't really give out the address to many people and I also didn't really think about anyone but my friends reading it. And even though I knew that posting something on the internet meant that pretty much anyone could read what I write, I didn't really think anyone did. Until the other day. I got a comment from a lady who I've never met. It was a really nice comment, it's just that the effect of said comment was that I finally realized that whatever I write I'm putting out there for anyone to access. Which is fine, but it suddenly makes me feel and seem a tad more vulnerable than I had really realized before. Interesting. If the stuff I write in my blog seems dramatic sometimes though, man, you should see my real journal. Which you won't, because no one does. But it's much more detailed and in-depth. I love having my regular journal though. It's leather (which some people might be opposed to but I love the smell and the feel and the look, plus it's supremely durable) and I have spent hours at a time writing in it, especially lately. It's a different feeling, actually writing something out instead of typing. It seems to me to require more careful forethought and deliberation. When I'm typing, I can almost type at the speed of thought, but when I write, I'm really contemplating the space that I'm taking up on the page because it seeems like a more real space, while the space on an internet page seems like more a virtual space (that's the influence my philosophy class has on me).
I think technology makes too many things too easy and even though it makes it easier to keep in touch with people, I think it separates them just as much as it brings them together. I'm with Brian on this issue, and as such I've determined to not purchase an iPod, even if that means that I have to bring a separate small suitcase to carry some of my cd collection to Europe. iPods, in general, keep people entirely in their own worlds and away from everyone who is actually around them.
In an effort to fight this, I plan to have a good time tonight at the Oracle party and after party before being picked up by my dad tomorrow morning to celebrate my mom's graduation - she's getting her master's degree at the age of 51! I'm proud of her.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
what the heck
I think I read too much into things. I spend time analyzing everything in my head while trying to outwardly keep cool.
I'm afraid of too many things. I'm afraid of people not liking me, of people thinking I'm stupid or dishonest or mean or ugly or a loser. I worry that I'll do things wrong, that I won't be there for people the way they need me to be, that I can't hold myself together, that I'm splitting at the seams without realizing that the threads are coming unraveled.
I'm afraid of losing my temper about something stupid. I'm afraid of people being afraid of themselves or feeling about themselves the same way I feel about myself. I'm afraid that I'll fail at whatever I try to do and that I'll wind up stuck in a place that I can't get out of.
I'm usually pretty good at appearing to have it all pulled together but lately I'm too much on edge to take anything that's real.
This whole thing is a response to one tiny thing that could be easily construed as nothing if I didn't care so much about what everyone else thinks about me. Sometimes I hate ambiguity. I think I'm losing it. I want to go home.
I'm afraid of too many things. I'm afraid of people not liking me, of people thinking I'm stupid or dishonest or mean or ugly or a loser. I worry that I'll do things wrong, that I won't be there for people the way they need me to be, that I can't hold myself together, that I'm splitting at the seams without realizing that the threads are coming unraveled.
I'm afraid of losing my temper about something stupid. I'm afraid of people being afraid of themselves or feeling about themselves the same way I feel about myself. I'm afraid that I'll fail at whatever I try to do and that I'll wind up stuck in a place that I can't get out of.
I'm usually pretty good at appearing to have it all pulled together but lately I'm too much on edge to take anything that's real.
This whole thing is a response to one tiny thing that could be easily construed as nothing if I didn't care so much about what everyone else thinks about me. Sometimes I hate ambiguity. I think I'm losing it. I want to go home.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
have we hit rock bottom yet?
I need to sleep. It's hitting me now. I haven't in nights really but neither has anyone else, I guess. Plus I have had so much to get done that in a way, it's worked out okay that . Things are starting to clear out a little bit schoolwork-wise, but everyone else's lives (including my own) seem to just have crap piling up all over the place. I'm worried about other people, not really myself. I mean yeah, plenty of things are far from perfect in my life but I figure they have to get better eventually. At the moment, however, I can't see the forest for the trees. That isn't really an appropriate metaphor in this context, but it'll do.
Pretty sure I bombed my physics exam today. It's going to be a toss-up for which was worse: this one or the first one. But my average shouldn't really be that bad, and if I work hard I should be fine on the final, which will help bring me up a little. It's the only class I'm really very concerned about. It's too bad that I just got my grades and GPA where I wanted them and this semester is totally going to take me down, but I can't quite bring myself to care nearly as much as I used to. I'll pass, they'll be decent, and I'll go home.
Krystle and I started making plans for this summer last night. I think it was good therapy for both of us. I'm just afraid that it'll turn out like Christmas break where we ended up only seeing each other like twice. Hopefully that won't happen this time. I'm determined for us to see our plans through, even if it means going without sleep! Besides, I already know that I can go without sleep, so it's all good. We have plans for movies, dinners, sleepovers, abandoned buildings, and plenty of good stuff. I'm not sure what I'll do with myself for the week that I'm home and she isn't, but I'm sure I'll manage.
I don't really have that much to say today. I'm feeling drained and empty. I'm hoping that eventually I reach a point where I can feel comfortable posting some of the things I write on my own here on this blog, but that probably won't happen for awhile yet because I tend to keep most of what I write to myself. Most of it isn't very good but it's a good system of release for me, even if I am the only person who reads it.
Yesterday was an angry day for me. I felt enraged at the whole world and I wanted to throw things and yell and have a tantrum. Today's like the opposite - I'm just...blank. Counting days until I'm done with school and praying that things don't get any worse for anyone.
Pretty sure I bombed my physics exam today. It's going to be a toss-up for which was worse: this one or the first one. But my average shouldn't really be that bad, and if I work hard I should be fine on the final, which will help bring me up a little. It's the only class I'm really very concerned about. It's too bad that I just got my grades and GPA where I wanted them and this semester is totally going to take me down, but I can't quite bring myself to care nearly as much as I used to. I'll pass, they'll be decent, and I'll go home.
Krystle and I started making plans for this summer last night. I think it was good therapy for both of us. I'm just afraid that it'll turn out like Christmas break where we ended up only seeing each other like twice. Hopefully that won't happen this time. I'm determined for us to see our plans through, even if it means going without sleep! Besides, I already know that I can go without sleep, so it's all good. We have plans for movies, dinners, sleepovers, abandoned buildings, and plenty of good stuff. I'm not sure what I'll do with myself for the week that I'm home and she isn't, but I'm sure I'll manage.
I don't really have that much to say today. I'm feeling drained and empty. I'm hoping that eventually I reach a point where I can feel comfortable posting some of the things I write on my own here on this blog, but that probably won't happen for awhile yet because I tend to keep most of what I write to myself. Most of it isn't very good but it's a good system of release for me, even if I am the only person who reads it.
Yesterday was an angry day for me. I felt enraged at the whole world and I wanted to throw things and yell and have a tantrum. Today's like the opposite - I'm just...blank. Counting days until I'm done with school and praying that things don't get any worse for anyone.
Monday, May 09, 2005
time for another!
Yay...another pointless quiz that I'll be surprised if people actually read.
1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection?
Any of the musicals. Probably the Grease soundtrack is right up there.
2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
At school? Usually just orange juice or leftovers if I have them. At home, yogurt, fruit, pop, chocolate.
3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
The Fox and the Hound. I'm a sucka.
4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Ew. None. Unless I HAD to and then maybe a nose job or something small.
5. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
Being disliked, failing...
6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
I chew my lips and bite my nails.
7. Are you a pyromaniac?
No.
8. Do you have too many love interests?
Haha...not really. Just one that's pointless.
9. Do you know anyone famous?
Nope. At least not yet. I'm depending on Adam to write the great American novel and remedy that, though.
10. Describe your bed:
Blue down comforter, multicolored or pink sheets, corduroy pillows
12.Who would play you in a movie?
I have no clue...any suggestions?
13. Do you know how to play poker?
I wish I did.
14. What do you carry with you at all times?
My bag. It has my life inside.
15. What do you miss most about being a kid?
Being confident.
16. Are you happy with your given name?
I'm getting there. I HATED it when I was little. "T-Rex" was not my favorite nickname.
17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
Too much.
18. What color is your bedroom?
At home, the walls are bright blue, green, and yellow. My mom hates it.
19. What was the last song you were listening to?
nosmallwonder; megan's song
20. Have you ever been in a play?
yes indeedy
21. Have you ever been in love?
Yeah, I think so.
22. Do you talk a lot?
Depends on the situation. Sometimes I can't shut up and sometimes you can't pry a sentence out of my with a crowbar.
23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Sometimes.
24. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
No
25. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
I try to be.
26. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
As I'm single, it's not a problem.
27. What is your ideal marriage location?
Duluth. Outside.
28. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Guitar.
29. Favorite fabric?
Cotton and lace.
30. Something you love and hate?
junk food.
31. What kind of bedding do you use?
see question way above this one.
32. What's the one language you want to learn?
I'd love to know French.
33. How do you eat an apple?
Peel it, eat it. Simple.
34. What do you order at a bar?
I don't frequent them. But in England I did have a sex on the beach and liked it.
36. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
Just ears.
37. Do you have tattoos?
Nope.
38. Do you drive a stick?
No but I really wish I knew how.
39. Biggest turn off?
Vulgarity.
40. What's one trait you hate in a person?
Thinking you know me better than you do.
41. What kind of watch do you wear?
Uh...the kind on my cell phone.
42. Most frivolous purchase?
Too many.
43. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
More than I wish I was.
44. What do you cook the best?
I'm pretty awesome with a grill. And frozen pizza? Man, I rock at that.
45. Favorite writing instrument?
Pens.
46. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
Varies.
47. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Well, for a girl that's not too much of a challenge. I wear jeans and t-shirts a lot, so I guess yeah.
48. What's one car you will never buy?
Anything that gets like 6 miles to the gallon or something equally stupid.
49. What kind of books do you like to read?
Pretty much anything so long as it's well-written.
50. If you won the lottery what would you do?
Pay for school Buy a car. Savings.
51. Burial or cremation?
Cremation, I guess.
52. How many online journals do you read regularly?
A few...not a lot.
53. What's one thing you're a loser at?
Making friends and meeting people.
54. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
I try not to.
55. Do you cry in front of your friends?
Sometimes, but I don't like to.
56. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
Either standoffishly cold or shy.
57. What's one thing you like to do alone?
Listen to music. Dance around my room. Read. And yes, I know that's more than one.
58. Are you a giver or a taker?
Both.
59. When's the last time you cried?
About an hour ago or so.
60. Favorite communication method?
In person and IM. I suck at the phone.
61. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
not sure
62. Do you think you're cute?
Rarely
the end.
1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection?
Any of the musicals. Probably the Grease soundtrack is right up there.
2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
At school? Usually just orange juice or leftovers if I have them. At home, yogurt, fruit, pop, chocolate.
3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
The Fox and the Hound. I'm a sucka.
4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Ew. None. Unless I HAD to and then maybe a nose job or something small.
5. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
Being disliked, failing...
6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
I chew my lips and bite my nails.
7. Are you a pyromaniac?
No.
8. Do you have too many love interests?
Haha...not really. Just one that's pointless.
9. Do you know anyone famous?
Nope. At least not yet. I'm depending on Adam to write the great American novel and remedy that, though.
10. Describe your bed:
Blue down comforter, multicolored or pink sheets, corduroy pillows
12.Who would play you in a movie?
I have no clue...any suggestions?
13. Do you know how to play poker?
I wish I did.
14. What do you carry with you at all times?
My bag. It has my life inside.
15. What do you miss most about being a kid?
Being confident.
16. Are you happy with your given name?
I'm getting there. I HATED it when I was little. "T-Rex" was not my favorite nickname.
17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
Too much.
18. What color is your bedroom?
At home, the walls are bright blue, green, and yellow. My mom hates it.
19. What was the last song you were listening to?
nosmallwonder; megan's song
20. Have you ever been in a play?
yes indeedy
21. Have you ever been in love?
Yeah, I think so.
22. Do you talk a lot?
Depends on the situation. Sometimes I can't shut up and sometimes you can't pry a sentence out of my with a crowbar.
23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Sometimes.
24. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
No
25. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
I try to be.
26. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
As I'm single, it's not a problem.
27. What is your ideal marriage location?
Duluth. Outside.
28. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Guitar.
29. Favorite fabric?
Cotton and lace.
30. Something you love and hate?
junk food.
31. What kind of bedding do you use?
see question way above this one.
32. What's the one language you want to learn?
I'd love to know French.
33. How do you eat an apple?
Peel it, eat it. Simple.
34. What do you order at a bar?
I don't frequent them. But in England I did have a sex on the beach and liked it.
36. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
Just ears.
37. Do you have tattoos?
Nope.
38. Do you drive a stick?
No but I really wish I knew how.
39. Biggest turn off?
Vulgarity.
40. What's one trait you hate in a person?
Thinking you know me better than you do.
41. What kind of watch do you wear?
Uh...the kind on my cell phone.
42. Most frivolous purchase?
Too many.
43. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
More than I wish I was.
44. What do you cook the best?
I'm pretty awesome with a grill. And frozen pizza? Man, I rock at that.
45. Favorite writing instrument?
Pens.
46. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
Varies.
47. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Well, for a girl that's not too much of a challenge. I wear jeans and t-shirts a lot, so I guess yeah.
48. What's one car you will never buy?
Anything that gets like 6 miles to the gallon or something equally stupid.
49. What kind of books do you like to read?
Pretty much anything so long as it's well-written.
50. If you won the lottery what would you do?
Pay for school Buy a car. Savings.
51. Burial or cremation?
Cremation, I guess.
52. How many online journals do you read regularly?
A few...not a lot.
53. What's one thing you're a loser at?
Making friends and meeting people.
54. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
I try not to.
55. Do you cry in front of your friends?
Sometimes, but I don't like to.
56. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
Either standoffishly cold or shy.
57. What's one thing you like to do alone?
Listen to music. Dance around my room. Read. And yes, I know that's more than one.
58. Are you a giver or a taker?
Both.
59. When's the last time you cried?
About an hour ago or so.
60. Favorite communication method?
In person and IM. I suck at the phone.
61. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
not sure
62. Do you think you're cute?
Rarely
the end.
things i never expected to hear
Today has been strange. In the last 24 hours, I learned something relatively insignificant that half of me wishes I hadn't learned and that the other half of me treasures. I'm not quite sure what to do with it yet.
I wanted to go for a walk with someone this afternoon but lacking any responses in time I went alone and it was really good actually. I found a tiny park that I didn't know about and I sat down with my journal and I wrote and wrote and wrote of what I was thinking and feeling and all of hte things I am terrified of forgetting. It was draining (funny how writing does that to me even though I'm not really a writer) but somewhat therapeutic and if nothing else it gave me a place to remember.
I don't want to go into details because the only people it will matter to are the few people who already know what's going on. Today has been the strangest day. It's been a very sad, thoughtful one for me for the most part, but tonight at the Oracle office it was also a happier one. The bulk of my day was spent in somewhat melancholy contemplation while tonight (up until now) was mostly spent in engaging conversation and happier reminiscing. Forgive the spelling if I have inaccuracies; I'm not in the absolute best state of mind right now and it's late. Not that the lateness matters. Last night I didn't go to bed until now and it took me at least an hour after that to fall asleep at all. It is interesting to note how little sleep I can function on. That knowledge is useful for now I know I can easily work two jobs this summer because where I used to worry about getting sleep I know now that I don't have to because I'm perfectly capable of functioning on a mechanical level without it.
Last night Malin and I went to Uptown and just hung out for quite awhile until it was fairly late. It was calming for me to be away from campus. I don't know why but living in Graham and/or Manney's old room especially with my roommate really weirds me out lately for no particularly good reason. I hope that whoever lives here next year works for the Oracle. It would only be rihgt. I may have mentioned this before but I am going to reiterate it anyway.
I'm sad that my last layout for this year is done. I hate the thought of working at the Oracle next year without Graham and Brian - it's inconcievable. How can we run it without them? I don't have any idea what I'm doing. I know next to nothing about layout or photoshop or any of the five hundred thousand things I ought to know. I'm afraid of trying to figure out what I'm doing after like 9 months.
But I should try to sleep. I'm always afraid my roommate is secretly awake and annoyed even though logically I know it'd take world war three to wake her up. Eugh. Oh well. I should try to sleep anyway. haha, good luck to me.
I wanted to go for a walk with someone this afternoon but lacking any responses in time I went alone and it was really good actually. I found a tiny park that I didn't know about and I sat down with my journal and I wrote and wrote and wrote of what I was thinking and feeling and all of hte things I am terrified of forgetting. It was draining (funny how writing does that to me even though I'm not really a writer) but somewhat therapeutic and if nothing else it gave me a place to remember.
I don't want to go into details because the only people it will matter to are the few people who already know what's going on. Today has been the strangest day. It's been a very sad, thoughtful one for me for the most part, but tonight at the Oracle office it was also a happier one. The bulk of my day was spent in somewhat melancholy contemplation while tonight (up until now) was mostly spent in engaging conversation and happier reminiscing. Forgive the spelling if I have inaccuracies; I'm not in the absolute best state of mind right now and it's late. Not that the lateness matters. Last night I didn't go to bed until now and it took me at least an hour after that to fall asleep at all. It is interesting to note how little sleep I can function on. That knowledge is useful for now I know I can easily work two jobs this summer because where I used to worry about getting sleep I know now that I don't have to because I'm perfectly capable of functioning on a mechanical level without it.
Last night Malin and I went to Uptown and just hung out for quite awhile until it was fairly late. It was calming for me to be away from campus. I don't know why but living in Graham and/or Manney's old room especially with my roommate really weirds me out lately for no particularly good reason. I hope that whoever lives here next year works for the Oracle. It would only be rihgt. I may have mentioned this before but I am going to reiterate it anyway.
I'm sad that my last layout for this year is done. I hate the thought of working at the Oracle next year without Graham and Brian - it's inconcievable. How can we run it without them? I don't have any idea what I'm doing. I know next to nothing about layout or photoshop or any of the five hundred thousand things I ought to know. I'm afraid of trying to figure out what I'm doing after like 9 months.
But I should try to sleep. I'm always afraid my roommate is secretly awake and annoyed even though logically I know it'd take world war three to wake her up. Eugh. Oh well. I should try to sleep anyway. haha, good luck to me.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
it's coming
I can feel the end of the year creeping up on me. Actually, it's not so much creeping as letting me know that it's approaching. It's very strange to think that in two weeks, I'll be halfway through with my college career. I should really be at the Oracle office right now, writing an editorial. But I have no good ideas. Or maybe that's an excuse and I'm just being really lazy. But no, that's not it either. I don't really feel qualified to write an editorial, to be honest. I am not a very good writer, except academically, and I don't know if I feel comfortable speaking for the Oracle staff, either. Hmm. I don't know. I am really going to have to work on my confidence issues, especially if I'm going to be a news editor next year and have people working under me. First I just have to figure out what the heck I'm doing.
My roommate has a real gift for complaining. I guess I do, too, but her stories go on and on and on. I'm like a guy on the phone right now, not really listening and saying "mm-hmm. mm-hmm." She's going on right now about some girl from her high school who she doesn't like - it was high school. I'm sorry but by now I think it's time to let most of that stuff go. Man, I HATED middle and most of high school but it's done now. I used to care so much but I just don't anymore. I have better things to worry about, I think. Which isn't to say that the way I felt at those times doesn't ever still affect me or matter to me, but I'm not hung up on it anymore. What's done is done in that respect. I should work on being a better friend, too. I am too selfish and I should work on that.
So many things to work on, so many things that suddenly seem important to be better at. For once, they're all not related to school. I've decided people skills are more important.
I'm starting to think this is actually going to be a good summer. I want to have many adventures, especially with Krystle. I want to read about a zillion books (I'm going to have to make a list and prioritize it, I think), listen to tons of new music, and be happier again. That's pretty much it. I may or may not get a second job as well. I probably ought to, but I will have to call the resort this week and see what they'll be paying me and what my hours will be. I know I'll be full-time, I just need to know which days I'll be working when and such.
Know what I hate? When people hear like ONE song by an artist that they like and then go around proclaiming "Oh, I just LOVE so-and-so!!! He's soooo amazing." When the truth is, they don't know if they like that band or guy or not because they've only heard one song, which may or may not be typical of that artist's style. I don't know what made me think of that. But I don't like it.
Last night I went to the Fulcrum release party/reading/whatever thing with Brian and Sean. It was a pretty good time; the snacks and coffee were good and I really enjoyed seeing some people. Like Lauren, who's always fun to see, and the Huellers, and Anne Claussen and Caro. They're all such nice people and are so fun and relaxing to talk with. I really enjoyed seeing them and having some good old-fashioned English major nerd conversation.
Anyway. I should get going and finish packing up some stuff. My parents had to go to Des Moines last night so they dropped off some boxes for me to pack up a bunch of my stuff and I'm almost done. It's weird, starting to pack up and knowing that I'll leave this little room in Manor. I find that I'm strangely attached to room 105. It's been my home for a year of more turbulence and ups and downs than any other that I have known, I think. And on that note, I'm off to pack up some more stuff.
My roommate has a real gift for complaining. I guess I do, too, but her stories go on and on and on. I'm like a guy on the phone right now, not really listening and saying "mm-hmm. mm-hmm." She's going on right now about some girl from her high school who she doesn't like - it was high school. I'm sorry but by now I think it's time to let most of that stuff go. Man, I HATED middle and most of high school but it's done now. I used to care so much but I just don't anymore. I have better things to worry about, I think. Which isn't to say that the way I felt at those times doesn't ever still affect me or matter to me, but I'm not hung up on it anymore. What's done is done in that respect. I should work on being a better friend, too. I am too selfish and I should work on that.
So many things to work on, so many things that suddenly seem important to be better at. For once, they're all not related to school. I've decided people skills are more important.
I'm starting to think this is actually going to be a good summer. I want to have many adventures, especially with Krystle. I want to read about a zillion books (I'm going to have to make a list and prioritize it, I think), listen to tons of new music, and be happier again. That's pretty much it. I may or may not get a second job as well. I probably ought to, but I will have to call the resort this week and see what they'll be paying me and what my hours will be. I know I'll be full-time, I just need to know which days I'll be working when and such.
Know what I hate? When people hear like ONE song by an artist that they like and then go around proclaiming "Oh, I just LOVE so-and-so!!! He's soooo amazing." When the truth is, they don't know if they like that band or guy or not because they've only heard one song, which may or may not be typical of that artist's style. I don't know what made me think of that. But I don't like it.
Last night I went to the Fulcrum release party/reading/whatever thing with Brian and Sean. It was a pretty good time; the snacks and coffee were good and I really enjoyed seeing some people. Like Lauren, who's always fun to see, and the Huellers, and Anne Claussen and Caro. They're all such nice people and are so fun and relaxing to talk with. I really enjoyed seeing them and having some good old-fashioned English major nerd conversation.
Anyway. I should get going and finish packing up some stuff. My parents had to go to Des Moines last night so they dropped off some boxes for me to pack up a bunch of my stuff and I'm almost done. It's weird, starting to pack up and knowing that I'll leave this little room in Manor. I find that I'm strangely attached to room 105. It's been my home for a year of more turbulence and ups and downs than any other that I have known, I think. And on that note, I'm off to pack up some more stuff.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
supremely emo poetry and thoughts
Last night at the awards gala, it was mistakenly announced that I had worked for the Oracle since my freshman year. I chuckled at the typical Hamline-esque error at the time, now I can't help but think how I wish that were true. I would've had that much more time with Graham, and Brian. And especially Manney, my memories of whom I know frantically try to keep close in fear of losing them. I snatch at them like so many Girl Scout cookies in front of me. That was a pretty poor reference. Oh well.
Allan and I are throwing notes back and forth. It's fun, but it was more fun when Mel was involved and they were all written on Post-its. I'm going to miss these people this summer. I wish so much I'd gotten to know them earlier.
I have a 5-page draft of a paper due for Shakespeare, and for some reason that is unfathomable even to me, I'm writing it on "The Tempest." And about Caliban. I've read and done more work on this play than any of Shakespeare's plays and I'm more sick of it than any other play, but here I am, writing more about it because I'm insane that way. It should be a decent paper, anyway, so long as I can spit out a draft tonight.
I saw Kari Fangel this morning. We talked about Manney and it was nice to be able to talk to another person (outside the world of the Oracle) who really understands how stupid and trivial the things that are important to others seem to me right now. She said that on that last day, he was happy and they'd done some shopping and he made plans for the next year and was excited at the prospect of perhaps returning to Germany eventually. In a way, I'm glad that he seemed happy that day. But on the other hand, it makes it even harder for me to understand why he did what he did. And I don't think there is any way for me to understand, and on some logical level I really, truly know that. But another part of me finds it impossible for me not to strain to make some sense of this and to try to understand how this happened. Because Manney, I still can't sleep at night. and random memories of you keep throwing themselves in my way every time I think I might be approaching a moment of normalcy. I've started lying to my mom because she wanted me to go see a doctor about not sleeping well, but I know it would be pointless. Besides which, I'm still functioning and operating. I'll be ok eventually and I'll just be tired in the meantime.
Well so much for not sounding emo. Speaking of which, Allan and I are writing the most ridiculously emo poem together, line by line, on a sheet of paper that we're throwing across the room like it's a note and we're in 7th grade. It's a somewhat morbid way to pass the time, but it fills it. I shall post it here for laughs:
my eyelids are like the petals of a dying flower
i feel my inner self turn and wilt
i am a sea of despair
let me engulf your shores
...i die
my grave is like a flowerbed in winter
frozen, cold, and lifeless
yet even in this grave, almost as shallow as my still-beating heart,
i find no rest
for it is only my soul that is barren and dead
my body goes through the motions of life as a zombie
hungering for other minds who understand this endless torment called life
no one can ever understand as i waste away
i feel my self-imposed solitary confinement create a vast gulf between myself and this earth as i wander it alone
its distance is now too great to bridge
my lonely exodus only magnifies this solitude, as ghosts pretending to be people
both surround and push me towards madness greater than any has ever known
the ghosts surround me now, pulling me down...
down...
into the abyss
never to be heard from again
as the last petal
falls
Allan and I are throwing notes back and forth. It's fun, but it was more fun when Mel was involved and they were all written on Post-its. I'm going to miss these people this summer. I wish so much I'd gotten to know them earlier.
I have a 5-page draft of a paper due for Shakespeare, and for some reason that is unfathomable even to me, I'm writing it on "The Tempest." And about Caliban. I've read and done more work on this play than any of Shakespeare's plays and I'm more sick of it than any other play, but here I am, writing more about it because I'm insane that way. It should be a decent paper, anyway, so long as I can spit out a draft tonight.
I saw Kari Fangel this morning. We talked about Manney and it was nice to be able to talk to another person (outside the world of the Oracle) who really understands how stupid and trivial the things that are important to others seem to me right now. She said that on that last day, he was happy and they'd done some shopping and he made plans for the next year and was excited at the prospect of perhaps returning to Germany eventually. In a way, I'm glad that he seemed happy that day. But on the other hand, it makes it even harder for me to understand why he did what he did. And I don't think there is any way for me to understand, and on some logical level I really, truly know that. But another part of me finds it impossible for me not to strain to make some sense of this and to try to understand how this happened. Because Manney, I still can't sleep at night. and random memories of you keep throwing themselves in my way every time I think I might be approaching a moment of normalcy. I've started lying to my mom because she wanted me to go see a doctor about not sleeping well, but I know it would be pointless. Besides which, I'm still functioning and operating. I'll be ok eventually and I'll just be tired in the meantime.
Well so much for not sounding emo. Speaking of which, Allan and I are writing the most ridiculously emo poem together, line by line, on a sheet of paper that we're throwing across the room like it's a note and we're in 7th grade. It's a somewhat morbid way to pass the time, but it fills it. I shall post it here for laughs:
my eyelids are like the petals of a dying flower
i feel my inner self turn and wilt
i am a sea of despair
let me engulf your shores
...i die
my grave is like a flowerbed in winter
frozen, cold, and lifeless
yet even in this grave, almost as shallow as my still-beating heart,
i find no rest
for it is only my soul that is barren and dead
my body goes through the motions of life as a zombie
hungering for other minds who understand this endless torment called life
no one can ever understand as i waste away
i feel my self-imposed solitary confinement create a vast gulf between myself and this earth as i wander it alone
its distance is now too great to bridge
my lonely exodus only magnifies this solitude, as ghosts pretending to be people
both surround and push me towards madness greater than any has ever known
the ghosts surround me now, pulling me down...
down...
into the abyss
never to be heard from again
as the last petal
falls
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
a small addition
i realized today that i've been getting my only hugs lately from malin. and while she gives excellent hugs, i'm pretty sure i need more of them. even if i seem somewhat hostile or shut off to all but myself, please hug me if you see me. i need them.
long day's journey into night
...and the emo subject titles continue.
I'm so tired. Not physically, really; I've actually been sleeping pretty decently in recent times. But I feel drained inside all the time. And I go around with myself pulled together - teeth brushed, makeup done, hair blow-dried, smile on my face - but I feel like such a fake for looking ok and normal when inside I'm still feeling messed up. But at this point I would also feel like if I went around with greasy hair and dishevelled appearance that I would just be asking for sympathy, which would be totally lame. I know Manney isn't coming back. But I can't seem to quite wrap my head around the fact that he's never going to come back through the doors of the Oracle office, wearing his funny sweater with his rumpled hair, with a smirk on his face and his knowing blue eyes mocking someone as he laughs at them. I can't understand that I'm never going to see him again. I wish I had done more to let him know how much I respected him and how much I appreciated what he wrote and thought and did. And now it's too late and i'll never be able to. I'm pretty sure I've said that somewhere else before. But there it is.
It turns out that not caring about my schoolwork is going okay. I threw my presentation for Philosophy together last night and I think it went reasonably well. I just have to type up some notes (which will be easy since I have a ton of passages marked) and turn them in and I'm basically done for that class then. And for my Shakespeare class, I just have to draft my 5-page paper, and for physics...well, I suck at physics but I don't actually have anything due until next week when I have nothing else going on anyway so I couldn't care less. And Crossing Borders? Please don't get me started.
I think it would be unfair to say that Manney's death has left me without the motivation to do schoolwork because that would be using him as an excuse. It's just that in the light of such enormous tragedy and sadness, schoolwork seems so not important right now.
Just being with people and forming relationships and letting people know how much I love them and how much they mean to me seems to be the only thing of real import right now. I'm a little sad for myself because now that the year's almost over, I'm just beginning to make some real connections with people and then I'll go home for the summer and then study abroad and when I get back, all those people will probably not be too interested in being my friend anymore and that makes me sad.
I wish I had managed to make myself make more friends earlier instead of always holding back. My thing has always been that if I just hold back and never quite tell people what's on my mind that I don't stand any chance of getting hurt. And while I guess that's true, it now seems like a really selfish and stupid way to go through life. I can't believe it's taken me twenty years to get to this poing and finally realize that putting myself out there is actually worth it in the long run. Geez I'm a loser. I just never used to believe that I was worth liking or loving. That sounds incredibly trite and cliche but is oh-so-true. Even up until a few months ago, I think I often really felt like I wasn't worth loving at all and that thought scares me now because I'm suddenly realizing how incredibly important it is to love and be loved and how much everyone deserves that. So yeah. Wow. I guess that's where I am. I've come a long way.
God is good. And He's teaching me a lot of things even though they sort of freak me out and even though they confuse me and I don't know what to do with some of my thoughts and feelings, I know that somehow even the most stupid of situations in my life will somehow work out. There's one situation inparticular that I really wish I knew how to resolve but I'm so lost in it that I'll just have to keep on thinking and praying and wondering until I figure it out.
I should be working on a rough draft of my Shakespeare paper. Or at least coming up with a topic, but that seems to be too complicated for me to handle tonight. I'd like to write something on Bianca in "The Taming of the Shrew" but there is like nothing written on her and coming up with all of it myself again would simply be too much effort. I just want to find an article to refute about someone in one of the plays we've read. Is that so much to ask?
I'm amazed at how antagonistic I can be lately. I feel so badly for my roommate but not badly enough to stop myself from being uncontrollably cranky when I get back to the room every night. I don't know if it's just somehow become a negative space for me or what, but I can hardly stand being in here if I'm not just facing away from everything with headphones on. Music is my current escape and it's working for me. It's hard for me to be with people who aren't like Oracle people right now, which is ridiculous and crazy and stupid, but that's the way it's been going. I'm half looking forward to summer immensely and half dreading it.
On the brighter side, I think I have gotten an internship for next spring already. I'm still waiting for the final phone call to confirm it, but odds are looking quite good that I'll be an intern at the Capitol next year, which would definitely be interesting.
That's all I've got tonight. I'm out.
I'm so tired. Not physically, really; I've actually been sleeping pretty decently in recent times. But I feel drained inside all the time. And I go around with myself pulled together - teeth brushed, makeup done, hair blow-dried, smile on my face - but I feel like such a fake for looking ok and normal when inside I'm still feeling messed up. But at this point I would also feel like if I went around with greasy hair and dishevelled appearance that I would just be asking for sympathy, which would be totally lame. I know Manney isn't coming back. But I can't seem to quite wrap my head around the fact that he's never going to come back through the doors of the Oracle office, wearing his funny sweater with his rumpled hair, with a smirk on his face and his knowing blue eyes mocking someone as he laughs at them. I can't understand that I'm never going to see him again. I wish I had done more to let him know how much I respected him and how much I appreciated what he wrote and thought and did. And now it's too late and i'll never be able to. I'm pretty sure I've said that somewhere else before. But there it is.
It turns out that not caring about my schoolwork is going okay. I threw my presentation for Philosophy together last night and I think it went reasonably well. I just have to type up some notes (which will be easy since I have a ton of passages marked) and turn them in and I'm basically done for that class then. And for my Shakespeare class, I just have to draft my 5-page paper, and for physics...well, I suck at physics but I don't actually have anything due until next week when I have nothing else going on anyway so I couldn't care less. And Crossing Borders? Please don't get me started.
I think it would be unfair to say that Manney's death has left me without the motivation to do schoolwork because that would be using him as an excuse. It's just that in the light of such enormous tragedy and sadness, schoolwork seems so not important right now.
Just being with people and forming relationships and letting people know how much I love them and how much they mean to me seems to be the only thing of real import right now. I'm a little sad for myself because now that the year's almost over, I'm just beginning to make some real connections with people and then I'll go home for the summer and then study abroad and when I get back, all those people will probably not be too interested in being my friend anymore and that makes me sad.
I wish I had managed to make myself make more friends earlier instead of always holding back. My thing has always been that if I just hold back and never quite tell people what's on my mind that I don't stand any chance of getting hurt. And while I guess that's true, it now seems like a really selfish and stupid way to go through life. I can't believe it's taken me twenty years to get to this poing and finally realize that putting myself out there is actually worth it in the long run. Geez I'm a loser. I just never used to believe that I was worth liking or loving. That sounds incredibly trite and cliche but is oh-so-true. Even up until a few months ago, I think I often really felt like I wasn't worth loving at all and that thought scares me now because I'm suddenly realizing how incredibly important it is to love and be loved and how much everyone deserves that. So yeah. Wow. I guess that's where I am. I've come a long way.
God is good. And He's teaching me a lot of things even though they sort of freak me out and even though they confuse me and I don't know what to do with some of my thoughts and feelings, I know that somehow even the most stupid of situations in my life will somehow work out. There's one situation inparticular that I really wish I knew how to resolve but I'm so lost in it that I'll just have to keep on thinking and praying and wondering until I figure it out.
I should be working on a rough draft of my Shakespeare paper. Or at least coming up with a topic, but that seems to be too complicated for me to handle tonight. I'd like to write something on Bianca in "The Taming of the Shrew" but there is like nothing written on her and coming up with all of it myself again would simply be too much effort. I just want to find an article to refute about someone in one of the plays we've read. Is that so much to ask?
I'm amazed at how antagonistic I can be lately. I feel so badly for my roommate but not badly enough to stop myself from being uncontrollably cranky when I get back to the room every night. I don't know if it's just somehow become a negative space for me or what, but I can hardly stand being in here if I'm not just facing away from everything with headphones on. Music is my current escape and it's working for me. It's hard for me to be with people who aren't like Oracle people right now, which is ridiculous and crazy and stupid, but that's the way it's been going. I'm half looking forward to summer immensely and half dreading it.
On the brighter side, I think I have gotten an internship for next spring already. I'm still waiting for the final phone call to confirm it, but odds are looking quite good that I'll be an intern at the Capitol next year, which would definitely be interesting.
That's all I've got tonight. I'm out.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
sigh
Haha. I just realized that many of my titles for blog posts (and indeed, many of my posts themselves) are so emo. But I'm an emo sort of girl, and it can't be helped, even though I would love to be way cooler than that. I'm afraid my lot in life has never been to be cool. Haha, not even close. I'm growing to embrace the concept that I'm going to be an emo nerd forever though.
Some people have blogs that are really introspective and thought-provoking and stimulating. I'm also not one of those people. My blog space is used primarily for sort of my free-writing. It's the only time that I write without actually really thinking about or analyizing my life or what's in it or what I'm thinking about. I just stumble over my words until my head is clearer and I let it go at that. It's a way for me to begin to sort out my thoughts without actually organizing them. I think it works because I can type fast enough to somewhat keep up with my random thoughts. When I write in my actual journal, I become much more introspective because I really ponder what it is that I'm writing but here I just have meaningless words flying across the page.
It's been a rough weekend. Manney's memorial service was on Saturday and I was surprised at how much I cried that day. I thought I had cried enough during the week to be able to hold myself together but I pretty much failed. I was so incredibly grateful for my few friends in attendance, especially Malin. I was relieved to have her at my house Friday night and incredibly comforted to have her by my side, feeling awkward along with me on Saturday. I can't even begin to explain how I felt for Graham and Manney's family. And I started thinking of all the things Manney would never get to do and it made me impossibly sad.
I then went to visit my grandparents, since Brian was kind enough to drop me off at their nursing home. My grandpa keeps talking about moving back to the lake and it worries me incredibly because after his stroke last summer, there's no way for him to live by himself and he refuses to see it. Then my parents told me that my aunt Robbie has pancreatic cancer (again). She had it once before and it miraculously went away but now it's back and I'm worried. She's had so many health problems over the years that I can't help wonder how long her body is going to hold out for. It's so unfair. She's such an amazing person, filled with grace and love and she's had such a hard life. Yet, if you asked her, she'd tell you how blessed she is. I am in awe of her.
And then lastly, I had to say my goodbyes to Joe who will be moving to Brazil soon. I can't even say much about that except that it sucked. I don't know when I'll ever see him again and I don't know what I'll ever do without him here.
So yeah. Not the best weekend. Now that I'm sure I've sufficiently depressed everyone, I'll be going.
Some people have blogs that are really introspective and thought-provoking and stimulating. I'm also not one of those people. My blog space is used primarily for sort of my free-writing. It's the only time that I write without actually really thinking about or analyizing my life or what's in it or what I'm thinking about. I just stumble over my words until my head is clearer and I let it go at that. It's a way for me to begin to sort out my thoughts without actually organizing them. I think it works because I can type fast enough to somewhat keep up with my random thoughts. When I write in my actual journal, I become much more introspective because I really ponder what it is that I'm writing but here I just have meaningless words flying across the page.
It's been a rough weekend. Manney's memorial service was on Saturday and I was surprised at how much I cried that day. I thought I had cried enough during the week to be able to hold myself together but I pretty much failed. I was so incredibly grateful for my few friends in attendance, especially Malin. I was relieved to have her at my house Friday night and incredibly comforted to have her by my side, feeling awkward along with me on Saturday. I can't even begin to explain how I felt for Graham and Manney's family. And I started thinking of all the things Manney would never get to do and it made me impossibly sad.
I then went to visit my grandparents, since Brian was kind enough to drop me off at their nursing home. My grandpa keeps talking about moving back to the lake and it worries me incredibly because after his stroke last summer, there's no way for him to live by himself and he refuses to see it. Then my parents told me that my aunt Robbie has pancreatic cancer (again). She had it once before and it miraculously went away but now it's back and I'm worried. She's had so many health problems over the years that I can't help wonder how long her body is going to hold out for. It's so unfair. She's such an amazing person, filled with grace and love and she's had such a hard life. Yet, if you asked her, she'd tell you how blessed she is. I am in awe of her.
And then lastly, I had to say my goodbyes to Joe who will be moving to Brazil soon. I can't even say much about that except that it sucked. I don't know when I'll ever see him again and I don't know what I'll ever do without him here.
So yeah. Not the best weekend. Now that I'm sure I've sufficiently depressed everyone, I'll be going.
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