everything falls apart.

I can't remember the last time I was this frustrated.
I just found out, thanks to a hold on my student account, that I supposedly owe Hamline a large chunk of money. Now, I can't figure out why this would be, because I have calculated and re-calculated the costs of my tuition, accommodation, and flight for England and I can't understand how it could in any way exceed the money I have in scholarships from Hamline that was supposed to cover all of these costs, but somehow this charge popped up. Perhaps I'm simply forgetting to add something in or I'm mistaken in the amount of money my tuition cost, but I just am at a total loss.
I am so tired of worrying about money and budgeting and pinching and adding and subtracting and multiplying to see if I'll be able to buy my dinner. If I stopped eating I'd save quite a lot of money. Hmm, something to consider. So it's looking like no Ireland for me come J-term. And while I realize this is hardly the crisis I'm probably making it out to be, it's still also really upsetting to me, because it's just something I've really been looking forward to for a long time. Also it's something I've told everyone I'm doing, so I feel as though if I come back to Hamline for J-term I am a failure somehow. Oh yeah, plus I'll be homeless.
The part that really kills me is that I KNOW I'll be getting another refund come spring semester, one that would help cover all of this. But I can't defer payments, I don't think, which means that I am probably pretty much screwed.
I know I'm whining. And I know I'm complaining. But I just feel like every time I start to see things looking up, every time I think things are finally going to start getting better and that maybe the sun is coming out after all, a huge thundercloud sneaks up behind me and dumps rain all over me. And maybe strikes me with lightning once or twice just for good measure.
That wasn't a very good metaphor. Then again, I'm not in a very good mood so perhaps it's appropriate somehow after all.
It's not that I wouldn't be happy enough to be back at Hamline or see my friendss, because that's definitely not the case. Also, I suppose I could just try to save up and go on a J-term trip next year. Of course, I'll have to change my flight - I've no idea how much that'll cost me.
My mom is the most wonderful person. She is determined that I shall go to Ireland and says she'll help me. The thing is, though, I need to stand on my own eventually. And it's not like she's got loads of extra cash floating around. Her helping me would consist of accruing more debt on a credit card, I think. And I love her so much for wanting this so badly for me, but I have always prided myself on my relative financial independence/management, and I'm not sure I'd want to do that, either, especially since she insists she'll help me pay for the NYU Publishing Institute that I'd love to do after graduating even though I won't get into it.
Growing up is catching up with me awfully fast lately.