1. Write a philosophy paper. Due Friday, so I haven't started it yet, but since we cannot e-mail papers in, I have to turn it in sometime tomorrow. Thus, in addition:
2. Figure out how to use printing services here in the computer labs.
3. Pick up my train tickets. Which cost close to an arm and a leg, but whatever. It was too late not to buy them when I'd already purchased my flight home.
4. Pack. What do I need for my grandfather's funeral? Dress, nylons, cardigan, shoes. Also some t-shirts to wear at home and a few books to take back. Makeup, hair straightener (although I don't know why - who cares??), money, passport, credit cards, card for my grandma, etc. etc.
5. Buy a birthday gift for my Dad. Not very timely. But as long as I'm going home and his birthday is the day after I fly back out, I really might as well. What do you buy for your dad the week his dad has died?
6. Finish putting together the presentation I have to give in my English class tomorrow. It isn't long enough yet. I don't know what else to say though.
7. Figure out precisely how it is I'm getting from Minneapolis to home.
8. Email a few professors to let them know I'll be missing class next week. Also, get homework assignments.
9. Get myself out of bed at 5:30 on Wednesday so I can be at the train station before 7, which is when my train leaves.
10. Clearly, not sleep.
11. Figure out if there's still any conceivable way for me to pay for Ireland over j-term.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
an addendum.
For Manney.
http://www.pretentiousblowhard.org/archives/2005/04/another_tough_d.php
As he ought to be remembered.
http://www.pretentiousblowhard.org/archives/2005/04/another_tough_d.php
As he ought to be remembered.
feeling empty.
I'm in a strange funk. There's no reason for it, no real explanation. I find myself generally disinterested in pretty much everything. Even going to Scotland, which under normal circumstances I would have been all giggly and giddy and excited for, was just something I sort of did. And the weather's even been nice-ish the last couple of days but I can't shake this - this - I don't even know what it is. It's not a mood, it's not a feeling - it's something else beyond that. Apathy, maybe? I don't even know. I do all my schoolwork, and I guess I'm learning but in a really detached, disengaged manner.
York is a beautiful city. I'm surrounded by history, artifcacts, tea, coffee, books, friendly people - a lot of acquaintances and perhaps a couple of friends - so why do I find myself not really caring about any of it? The thing is, it would be normal for me to be worrying that people didn't like me or that I wasn't meeting enough people or something along those lines. But I'm not sure I even care whether or not I have friends here. I just don't care. I'm perfectly content to wander through the city totally alone, without purpose, without talking to anyone - and that's so unlike me that I'm surprised by myself.
Would I be feeling different at home? My initial reaction would be to say yeah, I would - but I'm not sure that's true either. Maybe there's something in the world right now that's causing a general sense of dissatisfaction and unease.
I was partway through a philosophy lecture the other day when I realized I hadn't put the date on my notes for the lecture. I couldn't remember what day it was and I had to ask the person next to me and then when they told me I remembered that Manney has been gone for a half a year now. Graham posted about this too, but I didn't leave a comment because I'm not sure I have any words left on that subject. I've talked about it and talked about it and written about it and thought about it so much that I feel like I've exhausted the possibilities. I'm not looking for closure or anything - because I know that the closest I'm going to come to 'closure' is knowing at the very core of myself that I'm never going to get any answers. There aren't going to be any revelations or certainties. There just aren't. And maybe soemtimes certain small things will always make me cry, or at least tear up. It's unavoidable. And on that note, I've got issues with the term 'closure.' What is that supposed to mean, anyway? That you reach a certain point where you can close off that part of yourself, where it's finished, ended with you? Because I don't think it ever happens that way.
My grandma is really sick, too. It sounds like things could sort of go either way with her at this point, although she's making small movements towards temporary recovery. She is an astonishing and amazing lady. She's beeen in a nursing home for years now but her mind is still pretty clear. I don't have all that many memories of her from before that anymore, just bits and snatches. Clear hot summer days at their house at the lake, raspberries ripe in their garden - there was always a huge garden, she has the greenest thumb of anyone I've ever known. Lots of food memories. She hated to have leftovers and always urged everyone to eat more! More! Gingersnaps and chocolate chip cookies in a a big jar in the cupboard next to the sink. Buttermilk pancakes in the morning. Crocheting and knitting - I have an afghan she made for me when I was seven. Mostly I remember her smiling.
This is an extremely autumnal sort of post. Maybe that's fitting.
I don't even know what I want to be different. I don't know what I'm expecting from myself, if anything at all.
York is a beautiful city. I'm surrounded by history, artifcacts, tea, coffee, books, friendly people - a lot of acquaintances and perhaps a couple of friends - so why do I find myself not really caring about any of it? The thing is, it would be normal for me to be worrying that people didn't like me or that I wasn't meeting enough people or something along those lines. But I'm not sure I even care whether or not I have friends here. I just don't care. I'm perfectly content to wander through the city totally alone, without purpose, without talking to anyone - and that's so unlike me that I'm surprised by myself.
Would I be feeling different at home? My initial reaction would be to say yeah, I would - but I'm not sure that's true either. Maybe there's something in the world right now that's causing a general sense of dissatisfaction and unease.
I was partway through a philosophy lecture the other day when I realized I hadn't put the date on my notes for the lecture. I couldn't remember what day it was and I had to ask the person next to me and then when they told me I remembered that Manney has been gone for a half a year now. Graham posted about this too, but I didn't leave a comment because I'm not sure I have any words left on that subject. I've talked about it and talked about it and written about it and thought about it so much that I feel like I've exhausted the possibilities. I'm not looking for closure or anything - because I know that the closest I'm going to come to 'closure' is knowing at the very core of myself that I'm never going to get any answers. There aren't going to be any revelations or certainties. There just aren't. And maybe soemtimes certain small things will always make me cry, or at least tear up. It's unavoidable. And on that note, I've got issues with the term 'closure.' What is that supposed to mean, anyway? That you reach a certain point where you can close off that part of yourself, where it's finished, ended with you? Because I don't think it ever happens that way.
My grandma is really sick, too. It sounds like things could sort of go either way with her at this point, although she's making small movements towards temporary recovery. She is an astonishing and amazing lady. She's beeen in a nursing home for years now but her mind is still pretty clear. I don't have all that many memories of her from before that anymore, just bits and snatches. Clear hot summer days at their house at the lake, raspberries ripe in their garden - there was always a huge garden, she has the greenest thumb of anyone I've ever known. Lots of food memories. She hated to have leftovers and always urged everyone to eat more! More! Gingersnaps and chocolate chip cookies in a a big jar in the cupboard next to the sink. Buttermilk pancakes in the morning. Crocheting and knitting - I have an afghan she made for me when I was seven. Mostly I remember her smiling.
This is an extremely autumnal sort of post. Maybe that's fitting.
I don't even know what I want to be different. I don't know what I'm expecting from myself, if anything at all.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
me, me, me! that's all i talk about here, you know.
I love being not sick. I started my classes this week and they are all going to be fine, I think. I expected there to be tons and tons of out-of-class reading and work to do since I am not actually spending that much time in the classroom, but it doesn't seem like it's going to be all that much more work than usual. Plus I get an easy out for assessment - since I'm a visiting student, I only have to write a 2500 word essay for my English course at the end rather than a 5000 word essay, because most students don't have to turn in the essay until the second week of the next term but I have to turn one in before I leave.
Some observations on England:
They really do say "cheers" all of the time. It's sort of an all-purpose word; they use it to say hello, goodbye, thank you, etc. And there are a lot of people, especially middle-aged or more, with incredibly bad teeth. All crooked and black and stuff.
Sandwiches here are definitely different. It is actually impossible to get what I would deem a normal sandwich. They are all stuff like "cucumber and tuna" and "cheese and tomato" and all I want is turkey and cheese! That's all. Also there is no Kraft macaroni and cheese, and ramen noodles are a lot more expensive. Right around 49p a package, I think, which is like 85 cents, which is way more than I would pay for them at home but still a reasonably cheap meal.
A lot of people from within the UK can tell where someone is from after they've talked to them for awhile. My ears are not yet attuned to this, I'm afraid. Apparently there is a really distinctive northern England dialect but I| have totally failed to pick up on it just yet.
I'm trying to get some pictures up online but it's posing a bit of a problem. I can't plug my camera into the lab computers because, I'm told, I do not have 'administrative privileges.' So I'm going to see if any of the internet cafes in town will allow me to do so because I'm going to have to periodically clear some pictures out, I think. I can still take tons of them at this point but I haven't really done any other traveling just yet.
That may change soon, however. There's a girl, Rose, from Hawaii in my social policy class and she is really friendly and seems very cool and she also has no classes on Thursdays and Fridays. Tomorrow we might take off for Scotland for a day; I'm waiting to hear back from her. It is nice to have a friend who wants to do some of the same stuff. And I think we'll plan some other trips within the UK as well if we can manage it. Which reminds me I need to buy a young person's railcard ASAP.
So even though I'm planning to grow my hair longer yet, I got it cut today. A lot. It's still pretty long but it's a lot more choppy and layered now. It had to be done, it was driving me absolutely insane. My head weighs a lot less now and my hair isn't all bushy and gross. I can actually feel it swing when I walk. This, clearly, is not a monumental event but it sure makes me feel happy.
I'm sad that I like Starbucks here. I've been to other coffee shops but I really do like Starbucks here. And there's four of them! Four! in this smallish city. I am determined to find a more local place that serves my coffee the way I like it but I just haven't gotten there yet. I am determined to find one though, because I hate being sucked in by the global corporate monster that is Starbucks. I think the other part of the reason, much as I hate to admit it, that I like it there is because it's a familiar environment in an unfamiliar place. I hate admitting that. But I think it's very likely to be true.
Anyway. I think that about covers things for now. It's getting late. And it's dark, so now I'll have to walk back via the road instead of via the footpath, which I hate doing. Oh well!
Some observations on England:
They really do say "cheers" all of the time. It's sort of an all-purpose word; they use it to say hello, goodbye, thank you, etc. And there are a lot of people, especially middle-aged or more, with incredibly bad teeth. All crooked and black and stuff.
Sandwiches here are definitely different. It is actually impossible to get what I would deem a normal sandwich. They are all stuff like "cucumber and tuna" and "cheese and tomato" and all I want is turkey and cheese! That's all. Also there is no Kraft macaroni and cheese, and ramen noodles are a lot more expensive. Right around 49p a package, I think, which is like 85 cents, which is way more than I would pay for them at home but still a reasonably cheap meal.
A lot of people from within the UK can tell where someone is from after they've talked to them for awhile. My ears are not yet attuned to this, I'm afraid. Apparently there is a really distinctive northern England dialect but I| have totally failed to pick up on it just yet.
I'm trying to get some pictures up online but it's posing a bit of a problem. I can't plug my camera into the lab computers because, I'm told, I do not have 'administrative privileges.' So I'm going to see if any of the internet cafes in town will allow me to do so because I'm going to have to periodically clear some pictures out, I think. I can still take tons of them at this point but I haven't really done any other traveling just yet.
That may change soon, however. There's a girl, Rose, from Hawaii in my social policy class and she is really friendly and seems very cool and she also has no classes on Thursdays and Fridays. Tomorrow we might take off for Scotland for a day; I'm waiting to hear back from her. It is nice to have a friend who wants to do some of the same stuff. And I think we'll plan some other trips within the UK as well if we can manage it. Which reminds me I need to buy a young person's railcard ASAP.
So even though I'm planning to grow my hair longer yet, I got it cut today. A lot. It's still pretty long but it's a lot more choppy and layered now. It had to be done, it was driving me absolutely insane. My head weighs a lot less now and my hair isn't all bushy and gross. I can actually feel it swing when I walk. This, clearly, is not a monumental event but it sure makes me feel happy.
I'm sad that I like Starbucks here. I've been to other coffee shops but I really do like Starbucks here. And there's four of them! Four! in this smallish city. I am determined to find a more local place that serves my coffee the way I like it but I just haven't gotten there yet. I am determined to find one though, because I hate being sucked in by the global corporate monster that is Starbucks. I think the other part of the reason, much as I hate to admit it, that I like it there is because it's a familiar environment in an unfamiliar place. I hate admitting that. But I think it's very likely to be true.
Anyway. I think that about covers things for now. It's getting late. And it's dark, so now I'll have to walk back via the road instead of via the footpath, which I hate doing. Oh well!
Saturday, October 15, 2005
sick & tired
Literally. Yawn. I have had a miserable cold the last couple of days. Yesterday I barely left my room; I just stayed huddled under the blankets coughing and sneezing. My poor little nose (well, not very little, really) is positively red. I am, however, greatly improved today. My fever seems to have vanished, my sinuses are clearer, and I don't look so gross.
Have you ever noticed that some people manage to look lovely and adorable even when ill? Some girls I know get these prettily flushed cheeks and their voices sound all cutesy when they're sick. I am not one of those girls. When I am sick, I look sick and disgusting and hideous, basically. BUT I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't suffer a relapse and that by tomorrow I'll be quite recovered enough to not only stay awake for but actually pay attention to my first lectures of the year.
I find it interesting that the question I have been asked more than any other since arriving here is for whom I voted in last November's election. People I've just barely been introduced to seem to have no scruple in wishing to immediately identify my political stance. And they aren't rude about it at all, it just seems to be a matter of concern/importance to them.
Thursday night there was a big - or at least, what was SUPPOSED to be a big - dance party at one of the campus bars. I went with some people from my hall and it was...umm...well, it was fun. It was clear that most people there were far more interested in the drinking than the dancing, and those that were dancing were mostly pretty drunk, but the few people I was with hardly drank at all and we had a good evening of conversaton and dancing. Except for when a few guys got just a tad lecherous at about 1:30, so we then decided to leave. It was nice to have some company though.
I was going to make this entry longer but have now decided against it. The "a" key on this keyboard is remarkably touchy and I wind up getting multiples of that admirable vowel every time I try to use it. Further, I'm rather hungry and am going to walk into town for awhile to have some coffee and perhaps get a book. Then I'll probably curl up in my room again, tired from my day's exertion. It's sad that a mere couple of days of being ill can turn a pleasant and short walk into something genuinely tiring.
Also, I really need to try to track down some proper tissues. Do they have Kleenex in England? We shall soon find out.aa
Have you ever noticed that some people manage to look lovely and adorable even when ill? Some girls I know get these prettily flushed cheeks and their voices sound all cutesy when they're sick. I am not one of those girls. When I am sick, I look sick and disgusting and hideous, basically. BUT I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I won't suffer a relapse and that by tomorrow I'll be quite recovered enough to not only stay awake for but actually pay attention to my first lectures of the year.
I find it interesting that the question I have been asked more than any other since arriving here is for whom I voted in last November's election. People I've just barely been introduced to seem to have no scruple in wishing to immediately identify my political stance. And they aren't rude about it at all, it just seems to be a matter of concern/importance to them.
Thursday night there was a big - or at least, what was SUPPOSED to be a big - dance party at one of the campus bars. I went with some people from my hall and it was...umm...well, it was fun. It was clear that most people there were far more interested in the drinking than the dancing, and those that were dancing were mostly pretty drunk, but the few people I was with hardly drank at all and we had a good evening of conversaton and dancing. Except for when a few guys got just a tad lecherous at about 1:30, so we then decided to leave. It was nice to have some company though.
I was going to make this entry longer but have now decided against it. The "a" key on this keyboard is remarkably touchy and I wind up getting multiples of that admirable vowel every time I try to use it. Further, I'm rather hungry and am going to walk into town for awhile to have some coffee and perhaps get a book. Then I'll probably curl up in my room again, tired from my day's exertion. It's sad that a mere couple of days of being ill can turn a pleasant and short walk into something genuinely tiring.
Also, I really need to try to track down some proper tissues. Do they have Kleenex in England? We shall soon find out.aa
Saturday, October 08, 2005
the insomniac strikes again.
So I can't sleep in England, as it turns out. It's the weirdest thing ever. I've always prided myself on my ability to not suffer from jet lag, and I'm not certain if this is what this is, but I honestly have hardly slept hte last few nights. My first night I crashed hard and since then, nothing. Last night I was laying in my very comfy hotel room, on a very comfy bed, and I just lay there, trying not to think of how badly I wanted to go to sleep. But then came 3 a.m. and I was still awake. And during hte day, I keep myself busy, I wear myself out with miles and miles of walking and sightseeing and I feel exhausted when I get back to my hotel and then I don't fall asleep. It is oddly frustrating. The other weird thing is that I don't feel nearly as tired as I used to after not sleeping. I'm totally fine.
The weather today is very stereotypically English. It's chilly and cloudy and rainy and ugh. So I'm going to see a movie. I haven't decided yet whether I want to see "Oliver Twist" or "Pride and Prejudice" or "Howl's Moving Castle." But I have an hour and a half to decide. Actually I like how I'll debate with myself and I'll sit here and think and think about what I'd like to see but I already pretty much know that I'll see Pride and Prejudice. It's only one of my favorite books ever, so I'm sure I'll see it. Oh well.
I move into my dorm tomorrow. I'm very excited about it, but also nervous. I think no matter where I go and what I do throughout my life, I will always carry the insecurity that somehow no one will like me even when I know that it's a ridiculous worry to have. I will always be concerned that I'll somehow be all wrong and everyone but me will know it, even when the logical part of my brain tells me I'm simply being absurd. Life is funny that way.
Anyway, I had best get going. I think there are other people waiting for computers and I've been selfishly hogging this one for quite some time now.
There will be longer, more frequent updates when I move on campus. Possibly. Because there will be more frequent computer access. Then again, I'm also hoping there will be some actual friends at that point, so perhaps not.
The weather today is very stereotypically English. It's chilly and cloudy and rainy and ugh. So I'm going to see a movie. I haven't decided yet whether I want to see "Oliver Twist" or "Pride and Prejudice" or "Howl's Moving Castle." But I have an hour and a half to decide. Actually I like how I'll debate with myself and I'll sit here and think and think about what I'd like to see but I already pretty much know that I'll see Pride and Prejudice. It's only one of my favorite books ever, so I'm sure I'll see it. Oh well.
I move into my dorm tomorrow. I'm very excited about it, but also nervous. I think no matter where I go and what I do throughout my life, I will always carry the insecurity that somehow no one will like me even when I know that it's a ridiculous worry to have. I will always be concerned that I'll somehow be all wrong and everyone but me will know it, even when the logical part of my brain tells me I'm simply being absurd. Life is funny that way.
Anyway, I had best get going. I think there are other people waiting for computers and I've been selfishly hogging this one for quite some time now.
There will be longer, more frequent updates when I move on campus. Possibly. Because there will be more frequent computer access. Then again, I'm also hoping there will be some actual friends at that point, so perhaps not.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
I have arrived
Well, the day has come. And gone, actually; this is the end of my first full day in York.
Getting here was quite interesting. My 8 hour flight, express train to Victoria Station, tube from Victoria to Kings Cross, train from Kings Cross to York, and cab ride to this hostel where I sit took a lot out of me. But the city is beautiful and although the streets make no sense (I kind of miss the straight blocks of Minneapolis and for those of you who think St. Paul's streets are backward, you have no idea. Trust me) the city isn't too terribly hard to navigate it. As those of you who know me well will recall, my sense of direction is positively abysmal. But by the end of the day, I feel I'm really starting to know my way around a bit and although it's a fairly big city, it's relatively compact, especially in and near the city centre.
I walked out to the University today. I passed the place where I will be living and it is awesome. I love it, at least on the outside. I didn't have time to really explore any of the University grounds yet, but I think I'll probably do that tomorrow. I certainly still have plenty of time to work on that. Also tomorrow, and don't laugh! I'm totally going to sign up for a library card.
I really do adore the city. It is so beautiful here. A little chilly but that's something of a welcome change from the resurgence of heat and humidity we were experiencing in the cities. There are tons of ruins and churches and grounds that are just gorgeous. I haven't taken many pictures yet, because I know in the long run I'll care far more about the people I will (hopefully) eventually meet rather than the scenery, but there have been a few worth taking so far and I hope to get those up sometime fairly soon, but I can't at this computer.
Anyway, my time here is running out quickly so I had better get going, but I'm alive and well and comfortable at any rate.
Also! For the many of you that haven't, SEND ME YOUR ADDRESSES!!! I have postcards to send. Well, I mean, I don't yet. But I will, soon, and I truly do want to send them, so you all get on that.
Getting here was quite interesting. My 8 hour flight, express train to Victoria Station, tube from Victoria to Kings Cross, train from Kings Cross to York, and cab ride to this hostel where I sit took a lot out of me. But the city is beautiful and although the streets make no sense (I kind of miss the straight blocks of Minneapolis and for those of you who think St. Paul's streets are backward, you have no idea. Trust me) the city isn't too terribly hard to navigate it. As those of you who know me well will recall, my sense of direction is positively abysmal. But by the end of the day, I feel I'm really starting to know my way around a bit and although it's a fairly big city, it's relatively compact, especially in and near the city centre.
I walked out to the University today. I passed the place where I will be living and it is awesome. I love it, at least on the outside. I didn't have time to really explore any of the University grounds yet, but I think I'll probably do that tomorrow. I certainly still have plenty of time to work on that. Also tomorrow, and don't laugh! I'm totally going to sign up for a library card.
I really do adore the city. It is so beautiful here. A little chilly but that's something of a welcome change from the resurgence of heat and humidity we were experiencing in the cities. There are tons of ruins and churches and grounds that are just gorgeous. I haven't taken many pictures yet, because I know in the long run I'll care far more about the people I will (hopefully) eventually meet rather than the scenery, but there have been a few worth taking so far and I hope to get those up sometime fairly soon, but I can't at this computer.
Anyway, my time here is running out quickly so I had better get going, but I'm alive and well and comfortable at any rate.
Also! For the many of you that haven't, SEND ME YOUR ADDRESSES!!! I have postcards to send. Well, I mean, I don't yet. But I will, soon, and I truly do want to send them, so you all get on that.
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