my days they pass like melting ice cream

And yes, I realize that doesn't make any sense. I'm a-okay with that though.

It's been an interesting, strange, good-for-the-most-part couple of days. Yesterday I attended a gorgeous, gorgeous wedding. I'm so happy for Steve and Emily and they're so lovely together and I was just filled to overflowing with joy for them because they so much deserve the happiness that I really think they're going to have with one another. It was a rather elaborate, long Catholic wedding (as Catholic weddings are indeed wont to be) but just a beautiful ceremony filled with people who love them. It made me wonder if I'm ever quite going to find that. I don't think that many people find the kind of pure happiness that I was privy to yesterday but it was surely beautiful to behold.

My mother started talking about all the things we'll have to do at my (hypothetical) wedding. She & Penny went on and on until I finally just told her to hold up. Getting married, you see, means getting engaged, and getting engaged generally means dating someone for awhile, and that is definitely not happening right now. Or any time in the near future as far as I can tell. I hate it when she starts saying stuff like that because even though it's sweet how much she would help with it I feel like if I don't get married it'll be this huge disappointment to her.

The reception was also quite fun. Good food, good friends, fun dancing. I haven't been dancing since spring break and even though I now have some very serious blisters, it was well worth it. It was great to see and dance with Ashley again, and I've discovered that Becky is an amazingly cool girl, and it was even good to see Ben. Actually, it was really good to see him and it was nice to have someone to dance with.

Except the problem with seeing Ben is that at the same time it's good to see him, he still unhinges me. It's not that I still have any feelings for him whatsoever in the way that I once did, but rather that seeing him reminds me of how badly things went wrong and then all those feelings of inadequacy and anger and hurt and worthlessness and not-good-enoughness come flooding back in. It was such a DUMB situation to begin with!! but one that affected me very much regardless. And I really really hate that his presence still makes me feel so unhappy about myself. So I don't know whether to simply avoid him and avoid those feelings or to spend time with him until they lessen. I don't like feeling them, not one bit, and I really just despise the way I crumble under the memories of my own stupidity.

Tonight I went to see "Bewitched" with Ashley. It was cute and I laughed a lot but not as much as I might've expected to. It was a fun fluffy little film though, and I thought the premise was far more interesting than a straight adaptation of the television show would have been.

Work again tomorrow. I get to work in housekeeping for the day, yippee skippee. Actually it should be interesting. My job is to whip the housekeepers into shape so they will probably all hate me after tomorrow. But that will be okay if I can get them to start doing their jobs right so that I don't have to follow them around half the day fixing everything that they've done wrong anyway. I'll be perfectly content for them to hate my guts as long as I don't have to do any of their work. Actually I will probably not be as mean as I should be or would like to be. The office is such a zoo that I don't think I'll even mind doing some cleaning.