so here's the thing.

I have exactly one month of work left, starting from today. September 18th and then I'm freeeee! Haha. Not that my job is so terrible. Actually, I've been berating myself lately for not getting another job over the summer. I don't really DO anything anyway, so I might as well have made some more cash, I think. It's nt like I wouldn't be able to use it, that's for sure. Silly girl, thinking she'd have a social life or something. Too, too ridiculous.

The chaos of work has suddenly halted and we've entered the lazy slow dog days of summer. The phone doesn't ring, the office is quiet. Joe and I were there last night trying desperately to actually think of work to do and we couldn't really come up with anything. Of course, about fifteen minutes before I had to leave I thought of all SORTS of things we could have done, but by then it was too late. Oh well. I'll keep some of them in mind for tonight and for the next couple of weeks.

I think it's funny how some people read blogs and read a few messages and start thinking that they know you. This isn't directed toward anyone specific; it's just a general concept that myspace has given me some insight to. And it's not that a lot of myself doesn't go into blogging or whatever, but it doesn't even come close to covering what's real in me, I don't think. Or maybe I'm just being narcississtic or something. Who knows. But it's like I have a sort of "myspace persona" that is mostly me, but not really quite, because too many things get left out. There's too much that can't be put down here, because it's too deep, too personal, too real, for such a space as this. I have multiple friends on myspace who I know in person, and it's like their myspace selves are a fraction of their real self - like they picked one part of their personality to put out here on the internet, but there's so much more to them that other people here don't really get to see at all. Maybe we're all just trying to fool ourselves into thinking that we can become what others see.

The weather isn't too stellar today, either. A little cool and cloudy and breezy. The good news is I probably won't have to put gas in very many boats or jetskis today. I hate doing gas. My shoes always get filled with sand from the beach and especially with jetskis, the gas tends to bubble up when you start putting it in and then it splashes all up my arm. The good thing about that happening is that I'm more likely to get a tip that way because I think they feel bad.

I'm going to buy my plane ticket either today or tomorrow, I think. Gulp. I also NEED to get my course transfer form filled out so I can hand that in to the registrar's office when I am in the cities next week. The only class I'm concerned about is my social policy class. I have NO CLUE what that should transfer as. Philosophy and English I'm good to go with. Jeepers I can't wait to get out of here! I'd be almost as excited, I think, if I were going back to St. Paul just because it would mean seeing all my wonderful friends down there, but I'm so, so excited to go live in England for awhile. Maybe I'm idealizing it too much. I mean, I think my classes will be tough and I will probably go totally broke there. And if I don't go broke there, I will in Ireland over j-term. But I don't even care. It'll probably be one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Yay for study abroad.

This summer seems to be passing so slowly and so quickly at the same time. Like each of my days just draaaaaag along, but overall, summer seems to have passed reasonably quickly. Hmm. It's strange.

Graham left for Germany yesterday. I hope he has an amazing year there. I didn't realize how much I'm going to miss him until a couple of nights ago, but I really will. I think part of that is because he's a part of this group of people that became just infinitely important to me the second half of this year, but mostly just because he's Graham and I'll miss him ranting about how messed up the world is and how girls shouldn't be so insecure and all kinds of things.

Also, I feel like I'm dying from Mel&Mal deprivation. I haven't seen Mel since June, and although I saw Mal a few weeks ago it feels like longer and what I REALLY want is for the three of us to be hanging out together! NOW! But soon enough, I guess.

I think that about covers it for me for today. I'm tired and I don't know why. I feel like I'm always tired lately and I don't know why. Lethargy of the mind, perhaps? It's hasn't been challenged in nearly long enough. I mean, I've been reading a ton lately since I have nothing else to do. But I need more human interaction!

slowly suffocating

I really need this summer to end. I have socialized with basically no one in weeks, except one night of hanging out with Krystle and she, poor dearie, was sick.

Tomorrow will be a busy busy day at work. It's race weekend at BIR which means we have a totally full house which means that people are going to be in and out all day long and the housekeepers will have a trillion things to do and so will I.

My updating has been extremely infrequent. But that's mostly because nothing happens here. There are flashes of moments where I wholeheartedly love my hometown because of someone I recognize on the street or a brief instant when I'm driving home from work when I come around a corner and see the stars reflected in the total stillness of the lake and the quiet soft blackness of night surrounds me and everything is peaceful. And in those moments I feel like somehow the world is all right, that somehow everything is beautiful and wondrous. But then I got back to the monotony of life as I know it and the moments are too few and far between for me to hang onto. I'm very much looking forward to weeks of moments of things that are new and different and lovely because every moment will be an adventure.

I was really secretly sort of hoping that I'd meet new people and friends and the like through work this year. Last year, Tim invited me to stuff all the time and I never went. This year, everyone at the restaurant is friendly and nice but I don't get invited to socialize. It's almost a totally different crew and things are kept more separate than they were last year. Plus I think Tim might have had a little bit of a crush on me and this year I know no one does. Surprise surprise.

Oh dearie. I need to be busy again. I miss having every minute of my day scheduled and blocked out and planned. Of course, on those days, the plan never sticks. It's just that I miss knowing I have a million things to do, that people are somehow counting on me in some way even if only for the smallest things that I'm not really that helpful for. I need less time to think.

I keep thinking about all of the wrong things with my miles of spare time. I keep thinking about what I'd be doing if I were in St. Paul or how much I actually surprisingly really miss the leanring of college and most of all I keep thinking about all the things I wish I might have done differently and also about how I'm perpetually single, which is at this point in time really a trivial matter that seems to consume far too much of my thought space. I wouldn't mind so much if it were a choice, but it seems to be more that just no one notices I'm there, you know? Hmmm. I'm feeling rather melancholy tonight. I think maybe I just ate too much ice cream. It's a definite possibility.

My mom and I spent time messing with her digital camera. She's had one for awhile but she doesn't really know how to use it so we played around with it; hence a few new pictures of me. I feel really narcississtic putting up all these pictures of myself. Which is ironic, because I really don't like any of them except one, and that one was taken by Graham.

I bought two new cds today. I have purchased more cds in the last few months than I have in a long long time. I blame jake. If he would quit telling me about amazing new bands, I wouldn't feel compelled to buy so much new music.

I think I'm going to try to go to bed soon. My mom is leaving for Florida ridiculously early tomorrow morning and it's not possible for her to get up without waking me up. Then I get the house to myself for another three days...yay.

trivial pursuits

My days are passing into one another without much to distinguish them from one another. I am mostly just killing time until I get everything finalized for England and I just can't wait to pack up and leave. It's not like I think it's going to allow me to like, "start over" or something like that, but it will be new and fresh and different, and will force me to be outside of myself for a little while, which is definitely a good thing. I'm really frustrated with this one stupid form that I have to get sent in. I've talked to about four different people about who should sign in and stuff and everyone keeps sending me elsewhere, but I think I've got it figured out. It's a financial guarantee form. I have no idea why York is making me fill it out, because Hamline guarantees them payment and Hamline bills ME, so York doesn't have to worry in the least about getting paid, but I guess they want some guarantee that I have funds to pay for stuff. Good thing I've been saving this summer.
Work is work. Every day is different but somehow the same. I'm very afraid of sinking into apathy again, but I don't think that will happen. I had a rough week or so the last few days but I think I'm coming out of it. I swear I'm so up-and-down I never know how I"m going to be doing/feeling from one day to the next, but I see a steady clearing of skies ahead, I think, which is a nice thought. Yesterday was the very nicest day I've had in a long while.
I met up with Caitlin, who I haven't seen since May at her graduation party. For the many of you who don't know Caitlin, well, she's hard to describe. She's just the loveliest girl and she is still filled with wonder and love for the world, which is just so incredibly refreshing. And I'm constantly surprised to learn that she looks up to me because in so many ways, I think she is such a good role model. We are, of course, fundamentally different in many ways (she is a much nicer person than I am and also so beautiful) and I feel so relaxed around her. It was good for me.
Anyway, she works at Culver's so we met there and talked for an hour or so, and then we got custard - I had a hot fudge/marshmallow sundae (so good. go try one. RIGHT NOW) and we went to Gregory Park, which is one of my favorite places in Brainerd, and ate our ice cream sitting on the tree that grows sideways and makes a perfect bench. As it happened, the guy who took my senior pictures was doing a family photo shoot and this family had 4 extremely nice looking boys, which only added to the enjoyment of our ice cream and the sunshine. Then we went out to Caitlin's grandmother's house over on Rice Lake. It's the cutest house, full of all these neat antiques, and they have the sweetest boathouse. It's this little like half-circle shaped building with lots of useful lake-related stuff inside. We took the canoe out to the middle of the lake and then jumped in and swam and talked and floated for about two hours or so, I think. We had the bright idea to swim all the way back to the house, pushing/pulling the canoe, but we only made it halfway before giving it up. It was just such a relaxing enjoyable day. Yay for friends and sunshine and swimming. I'm delighted to actually have a hint of a tan instead of just being really pasty.
The sky is a very weird color right now outside my window. It's this dark pinky-orangey color that makes it look as though it's going to storm. I wish it would. I love a good thunderstorm and I sure wouldn't mind it if the air cleared out for awhile. It's been so hot and humid lately. Yechhh.
I never know how to end blog entries. So this one's ending.