And yes, I realize that doesn't make any sense. I'm a-okay with that though.
It's been an interesting, strange, good-for-the-most-part couple of days. Yesterday I attended a gorgeous, gorgeous wedding. I'm so happy for Steve and Emily and they're so lovely together and I was just filled to overflowing with joy for them because they so much deserve the happiness that I really think they're going to have with one another. It was a rather elaborate, long Catholic wedding (as Catholic weddings are indeed wont to be) but just a beautiful ceremony filled with people who love them. It made me wonder if I'm ever quite going to find that. I don't think that many people find the kind of pure happiness that I was privy to yesterday but it was surely beautiful to behold.
My mother started talking about all the things we'll have to do at my (hypothetical) wedding. She & Penny went on and on until I finally just told her to hold up. Getting married, you see, means getting engaged, and getting engaged generally means dating someone for awhile, and that is definitely not happening right now. Or any time in the near future as far as I can tell. I hate it when she starts saying stuff like that because even though it's sweet how much she would help with it I feel like if I don't get married it'll be this huge disappointment to her.
The reception was also quite fun. Good food, good friends, fun dancing. I haven't been dancing since spring break and even though I now have some very serious blisters, it was well worth it. It was great to see and dance with Ashley again, and I've discovered that Becky is an amazingly cool girl, and it was even good to see Ben. Actually, it was really good to see him and it was nice to have someone to dance with.
Except the problem with seeing Ben is that at the same time it's good to see him, he still unhinges me. It's not that I still have any feelings for him whatsoever in the way that I once did, but rather that seeing him reminds me of how badly things went wrong and then all those feelings of inadequacy and anger and hurt and worthlessness and not-good-enoughness come flooding back in. It was such a DUMB situation to begin with!! but one that affected me very much regardless. And I really really hate that his presence still makes me feel so unhappy about myself. So I don't know whether to simply avoid him and avoid those feelings or to spend time with him until they lessen. I don't like feeling them, not one bit, and I really just despise the way I crumble under the memories of my own stupidity.
Tonight I went to see "Bewitched" with Ashley. It was cute and I laughed a lot but not as much as I might've expected to. It was a fun fluffy little film though, and I thought the premise was far more interesting than a straight adaptation of the television show would have been.
Work again tomorrow. I get to work in housekeeping for the day, yippee skippee. Actually it should be interesting. My job is to whip the housekeepers into shape so they will probably all hate me after tomorrow. But that will be okay if I can get them to start doing their jobs right so that I don't have to follow them around half the day fixing everything that they've done wrong anyway. I'll be perfectly content for them to hate my guts as long as I don't have to do any of their work. Actually I will probably not be as mean as I should be or would like to be. The office is such a zoo that I don't think I'll even mind doing some cleaning.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Sunday, June 19, 2005
it takes all of my strength to be stable.
it's 3 a.m. and did i mention my insomnia was back with a vengeance? it's as if it's trying to make up for all those dratted nights i actually SLEPT since coming home.
krystle is asleep on my living room floor. i don't know what i'd do without her. i wish she were awake now, because now is the time of night where all the saddest, ugliest thoughts rise up from their thorny slumber and unite to attack me one by one. i never feel so alone or so afraid as when it's late at night and i've nowhere to run from my own angry, disheartening thoughts. They chase me 'round like a mad dog down a dead-end street - they're dangerous and there's nowhere to run from them.
i don't know how to keep myself from being sad so much. i know there's so much i ought to be glad about and grateful for and happy about but i can't help feeling like i'm so shut off and that there's some part of me that keeps me from actually entering any genuine happiness for more than a mere splendid moment or two before i snatch myself out of it. i have so many things to be thankful for and yet i find myself an ungrateful wretch who doesn't know what to do with herself except weep and mope, and what a sorry condition that puts me in.
worries worries worries and cares about others who i see self-destructing before me. ten nine eight and bam soon they'll be gone if i don't find a way to stop the ticking but i don't know what wire to cut. and if i cut the wrong one it'll save no one and will only make the explosion come that much faster so what color redyellowbluegreenredyellowbluegreen? which is it to be.
this is the most abstract random post i know i've done in a very long time but my thoughts themselves are very incoherent right now, now in the witching hour of night. forgive the paraphrase of hamlet but i seem to think shakespeare says things better than i myself am capable of doing.
sometimes i feel like i'm exactly where i ought to be and doing what i should and feeling as glad about being so alive as i am but other times it just seems to hurt too much for no reason in particular and i don't know why. i can come up with several independent reasons but even all added up it doesn't seem as though they should equal what they do. it seems that perhaps sorrows multiply instead of add hmm that's a problem because it means they'll always outweigh the joys exponentially unless i find a way to balance.
dont worry i'm sure tomorrow i'll be back to my usual joking jolly self but right now i can't pretend to be anything but cracked. this isn't a cry in the dark so please don't leave your pity. just know that as my friends you mean more to me than just about anything and you keep me in one piece at least for the most part.
too many thoughts too many moments to think.
krystle is asleep on my living room floor. i don't know what i'd do without her. i wish she were awake now, because now is the time of night where all the saddest, ugliest thoughts rise up from their thorny slumber and unite to attack me one by one. i never feel so alone or so afraid as when it's late at night and i've nowhere to run from my own angry, disheartening thoughts. They chase me 'round like a mad dog down a dead-end street - they're dangerous and there's nowhere to run from them.
i don't know how to keep myself from being sad so much. i know there's so much i ought to be glad about and grateful for and happy about but i can't help feeling like i'm so shut off and that there's some part of me that keeps me from actually entering any genuine happiness for more than a mere splendid moment or two before i snatch myself out of it. i have so many things to be thankful for and yet i find myself an ungrateful wretch who doesn't know what to do with herself except weep and mope, and what a sorry condition that puts me in.
worries worries worries and cares about others who i see self-destructing before me. ten nine eight and bam soon they'll be gone if i don't find a way to stop the ticking but i don't know what wire to cut. and if i cut the wrong one it'll save no one and will only make the explosion come that much faster so what color redyellowbluegreenredyellowbluegreen? which is it to be.
this is the most abstract random post i know i've done in a very long time but my thoughts themselves are very incoherent right now, now in the witching hour of night. forgive the paraphrase of hamlet but i seem to think shakespeare says things better than i myself am capable of doing.
sometimes i feel like i'm exactly where i ought to be and doing what i should and feeling as glad about being so alive as i am but other times it just seems to hurt too much for no reason in particular and i don't know why. i can come up with several independent reasons but even all added up it doesn't seem as though they should equal what they do. it seems that perhaps sorrows multiply instead of add hmm that's a problem because it means they'll always outweigh the joys exponentially unless i find a way to balance.
dont worry i'm sure tomorrow i'll be back to my usual joking jolly self but right now i can't pretend to be anything but cracked. this isn't a cry in the dark so please don't leave your pity. just know that as my friends you mean more to me than just about anything and you keep me in one piece at least for the most part.
too many thoughts too many moments to think.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
oh me oh my what a world.
I worry too much. FAR too much. And then I get carried away and go a little crazy and then five hours later, when I finally force myself to really think and consider what I have done/said/thought, I realize that I've been silly and crazy and overreacted for no good reason, but by that point saying anything else would be foolish and make me sound even dumber so I just let it pass, hoping people will forget what a loser I can be.
Ever since Manney died, I have this little warning alarm in my head that causes me to become somewhat imbalanced whenever I hear about anyone being sad or depressed and it makes me go a little nutty. And I wish it didn't, because I'm sure I do and say things that make people go, "Whoa. Settle freakin' down." They are absolutely correct to say so. It's just that I have this intense need, more than ever before, to make absolutely totally completely sure that all of my friends know that I'm there for them in any capacity if I need them. Heck, I was ready to skip a day of school, pack up and go broke catching a flight to New York this spring when I thought Krystle might want/need me around, and it's been a rough year for many, and so I find myself on emotional overload a lot.
I've always been a worrier, though. Ask Mary. She always used to laugh at me and tell me to quit mothering everyone - and it is totally true. That's what I do. I don't know why. It's like whenever people come over to my house, my mother and I are both compelled to make sure that there is just tons and tons of food for people to eat. Some people are satisfied with making popcorn and having chips, but me? no. What do I do? I make veggie pizza and mongolian skewers and bake brownies and make kool-aid. And have chips. I get too much from my mother, I think, but in a way I guess that is a good thing as well.
On a less abstract and more cheerful note, I saw "Batman Begins" last night. Pretty darn sweet. I enjoyed it enormously. And not just because of Christian Bale, either, although he didn't hurt. He turned in a stellar performance, as did most of the cast members except for Katie Holmes' character, who just never quite seemed to fit 100% into the story for me. But I'm gonna stop being such a nerd now and go finish up some work. And eat my freakin' dinner, already. I had to clean a room and do some maid service so I haven't even had the chance to eat yet. Sheesh.
Ever since Manney died, I have this little warning alarm in my head that causes me to become somewhat imbalanced whenever I hear about anyone being sad or depressed and it makes me go a little nutty. And I wish it didn't, because I'm sure I do and say things that make people go, "Whoa. Settle freakin' down." They are absolutely correct to say so. It's just that I have this intense need, more than ever before, to make absolutely totally completely sure that all of my friends know that I'm there for them in any capacity if I need them. Heck, I was ready to skip a day of school, pack up and go broke catching a flight to New York this spring when I thought Krystle might want/need me around, and it's been a rough year for many, and so I find myself on emotional overload a lot.
I've always been a worrier, though. Ask Mary. She always used to laugh at me and tell me to quit mothering everyone - and it is totally true. That's what I do. I don't know why. It's like whenever people come over to my house, my mother and I are both compelled to make sure that there is just tons and tons of food for people to eat. Some people are satisfied with making popcorn and having chips, but me? no. What do I do? I make veggie pizza and mongolian skewers and bake brownies and make kool-aid. And have chips. I get too much from my mother, I think, but in a way I guess that is a good thing as well.
On a less abstract and more cheerful note, I saw "Batman Begins" last night. Pretty darn sweet. I enjoyed it enormously. And not just because of Christian Bale, either, although he didn't hurt. He turned in a stellar performance, as did most of the cast members except for Katie Holmes' character, who just never quite seemed to fit 100% into the story for me. But I'm gonna stop being such a nerd now and go finish up some work. And eat my freakin' dinner, already. I had to clean a room and do some maid service so I haven't even had the chance to eat yet. Sheesh.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
fractions of a life.
Ahh. Work, work, work. And drama, drama, drama. Both seem to follow me wherever I go. The last two days of work have been particularly hectic and crazy and obnoxious, what with busy season coming up and a family reunion at the resort and the housekeepers not knowing what they're doing so that I spent half my days cleaning up after them. How's that for a paradox? The office worker spends half her work time cleaning up after the cleaners....oh well. It could be worse, I suppose. There is less tension in the office this year, it seems, and more people to vent with/to, so that's a bonus.
As crummy as today was, however, my drive home more than made up for it. The sun was only just starting to go down when I left today and my drive home was so beautiful. I kicked off my shoes and took down my hair and drove home with all the windows down and the music gloriously loud. And as soon as I hit county road 1, everything always becomes so much better and I am reminded that even if there are small petty parts of my life that I don't like, I'm so lucky and blessed to be part of this extraordinary life, as ordinary as it often seems and feels. When I'm driving past a lake, with the road winding out in front of me, twisting over hills that seem to beckon to my right foot to hit that gas pedal just a little harder, and I'm smelling freshly cut grass and the sun is shining in my face, it's hard for me to be too sad or angry about anything. And those feelings of anger and sadness always return, of course, but it helps immensely that they're tempered now with images of lake and forest and sun in front of me with the wind at my back, pushing me home.
I think I've told a lot of people this, but I never cease to be amazed at how many different shades of green there are. There's this overlook on my road to/from work, called "Stark's Vista" and it's the most gorgeous overlook of trees I think I've ever, ever seen. It makes all of the day's frustration and irritants and anger vaporize before me like the mist coming up from the road on a warm day after it's rained. It's a wonderful thing.
I think growing up in the Lakes area makes it hard for me to appreciate the beauty of the area. People come all the way from like California and Massachussetts to vacation at our resort and I'm just like, "Why? I don't get it. It's a lake, people. It's a forest..." etc. I am only just learning to appreciate my surroundings.
But as lucky as I am in my beautiful drives, I crave human company as well, so I'm having people over tomorrow and it seems like it'll actually be a fairly good gathering. So if you're in the area and know where I live, be there. We're watching kid's movies all night and it's going to be super. It's sounding like there might be a fairly decent turnout, too, which is definitely good because as much as I love one-on-one events, sometimes I just need to be surrounded by people, even if I know I'll feel swallowed up by them at some point.
And Tuesday night. Oh, man, am I excited for Tuesday. I work until 11 p.m. but Brainerd's being cool enough to have a midnight showing of "Batman Begins," which I am ridiculously excited to see. So I'm totally going. So are Krystle and Adam; I'm totally thrilled. It may sound lame, but hey, that's me. I'm cool with that.
I finally got to go to church this morning! I was so glad. I felt so much at peace and it was so nice to have people asking me how I am. I adore my congregation. It is filled with some of the most generous, wonderful, interesting people I've ever met. I'm lucky to know them. And I love the design of our church. I'm sure the new one we're building is cool and all, but I'm really going to miss this building. It has a life, a story of its own, and when I'm sitting in church in the morning and the sun comes through the stained glass windows at the front and the warmth spreads across my face, I feel more at peace with myself than almost anywhere else.
I need a digital camera. All my pictures on myspace have been on here forever now, but I have no new sources. I'll have to work on that. I hope everyone's summer is treating them well. And for those of you I haven't been corresponding with very well lately (and you know who you are), I miss you so call/write/email me and kick me into communicating.
And that's a wrap. At least for tonight. I have tomorrow off so I am going to bed so that I can get up early and pack in as much "off" time as I possibly can.
As crummy as today was, however, my drive home more than made up for it. The sun was only just starting to go down when I left today and my drive home was so beautiful. I kicked off my shoes and took down my hair and drove home with all the windows down and the music gloriously loud. And as soon as I hit county road 1, everything always becomes so much better and I am reminded that even if there are small petty parts of my life that I don't like, I'm so lucky and blessed to be part of this extraordinary life, as ordinary as it often seems and feels. When I'm driving past a lake, with the road winding out in front of me, twisting over hills that seem to beckon to my right foot to hit that gas pedal just a little harder, and I'm smelling freshly cut grass and the sun is shining in my face, it's hard for me to be too sad or angry about anything. And those feelings of anger and sadness always return, of course, but it helps immensely that they're tempered now with images of lake and forest and sun in front of me with the wind at my back, pushing me home.
I think I've told a lot of people this, but I never cease to be amazed at how many different shades of green there are. There's this overlook on my road to/from work, called "Stark's Vista" and it's the most gorgeous overlook of trees I think I've ever, ever seen. It makes all of the day's frustration and irritants and anger vaporize before me like the mist coming up from the road on a warm day after it's rained. It's a wonderful thing.
I think growing up in the Lakes area makes it hard for me to appreciate the beauty of the area. People come all the way from like California and Massachussetts to vacation at our resort and I'm just like, "Why? I don't get it. It's a lake, people. It's a forest..." etc. I am only just learning to appreciate my surroundings.
But as lucky as I am in my beautiful drives, I crave human company as well, so I'm having people over tomorrow and it seems like it'll actually be a fairly good gathering. So if you're in the area and know where I live, be there. We're watching kid's movies all night and it's going to be super. It's sounding like there might be a fairly decent turnout, too, which is definitely good because as much as I love one-on-one events, sometimes I just need to be surrounded by people, even if I know I'll feel swallowed up by them at some point.
And Tuesday night. Oh, man, am I excited for Tuesday. I work until 11 p.m. but Brainerd's being cool enough to have a midnight showing of "Batman Begins," which I am ridiculously excited to see. So I'm totally going. So are Krystle and Adam; I'm totally thrilled. It may sound lame, but hey, that's me. I'm cool with that.
I finally got to go to church this morning! I was so glad. I felt so much at peace and it was so nice to have people asking me how I am. I adore my congregation. It is filled with some of the most generous, wonderful, interesting people I've ever met. I'm lucky to know them. And I love the design of our church. I'm sure the new one we're building is cool and all, but I'm really going to miss this building. It has a life, a story of its own, and when I'm sitting in church in the morning and the sun comes through the stained glass windows at the front and the warmth spreads across my face, I feel more at peace with myself than almost anywhere else.
I need a digital camera. All my pictures on myspace have been on here forever now, but I have no new sources. I'll have to work on that. I hope everyone's summer is treating them well. And for those of you I haven't been corresponding with very well lately (and you know who you are), I miss you so call/write/email me and kick me into communicating.
And that's a wrap. At least for tonight. I have tomorrow off so I am going to bed so that I can get up early and pack in as much "off" time as I possibly can.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
as i told jake, i'm as bored as a cat with no tail to chase.
I just realized it's been over a week again now since I've updated. My, how time does fly when one is....not....having fun!
Yesterday was the first really really fun day I've had for awhile. Krystle and I had our first double-feature day in ages and saw "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" and "The Longest Yard," both of which were actually better than I thought, especially the first one. "The Longest Yard" wasn't quite what I thought and there was one plot point that I saw as totally stupid and needless, but what can a girl do. In between films, we continued our tradition of going to Pizza Hut for pepperoni & mushroom pizza, but our tradition was disrupted by the fact that on this particular occasion, we actually had a good waitress.
Afterwards, we had absolutely no desire whatsoever to return to our homes, so we hit the Paul Bunyan Trail barefoot for quite awhile, just walking and talking about anything and everything. The wonderful thing about Krystle is she's the only friend I think I'm actually totally, completely, 100% honest with all the time. And by that I don't mean that I lie to my other friends, but Krystle is sometimes the only friend I feel I can tell everything to for whatever reason. I'm never worried about her being judgemental or angry with me or anything else except my best friend. The walk and the thinking was good.
I did a lot of thinking, and I found out that I discovered my greatest fear. It's a strange and complicated one, one which I shall save for another post (if I bother to tell the world at all), but I've come to understand myself a little better from the realization. Sometimes I'm feeling afraid, but I don't always know exactly what I'm afraid of. And then when I discover it, I find out that I'm more afraid once I realize precisely what it is I'm afraid of, even while I'm feeling relieved for finally understanding what it is I'm afraid of. It was a miniature revelation for me. And it makes me feel somewhat isolated and more than a little bit crazy, so I need time to sift through things in my head before I try to put anything into words of any kind.
We also stopped by her grandma's house in Pillager. I would just like to say that she is one of the all-time coolest grandmas I have ever, ever known. And she has delicious lemony sweetness in the form of iced tea at her house, too.
Shoot. I just realized my CD is still in Krystle's car, I think. Rats. She got hired today at Herberger's though, which is exciting! She'll be working in the shoe department. When I told my mom that, she laughed and said that Krystle wouldn't make any money because she'll buy too many shoes, a statement to which I did my utmost to defend her.
I've been accused by several people of talking an inordinate amount about Krystle in my blog - perhaps this is true. I shall do my best to limit myself from now on.
I went down to visit Mel, Mal, and the rest of the St. Paul gang last week. I had a good time, for the most part, but I realized that I am missing out on so much. As I told Mel, I know all of the big things that are happening with people, but I'm missing all of the small things that make things fun. I'm missing the little things - the random spasms of uncontrollable laughter, the smirks that appear when faces are turned, the moments of tears and worries that pass in an hour but are life-and-death important within the moment. It makes me sad to know I'm missing those things, but if I were down there I would be missing those things up here with a few people so I guess it is kind of an impossible catch-22.
The resort is very un-busy tonight. The phone hasn't rung in an hour. Oh, how I wish I had brought a book with me. I used to do that all the time last summer for slow nights. And I have "All the King's Men" at home, which I'm dying to read. Shoot.
Tomorrow is my other day off this week. It's going to be sort of D-Day for me at the house. I'm determined to attack the backyard and get all of the weeds out from around the firepit, re-stack the firewood, re-build the fire ring as necessary, and weed my flowerbeds. I also want to get my closet cleaned up, all my clothes put away, and as many things unpacked as possible. It'll make my mom a happy camper and it'll make me extremely happy to be able to see my carpet. My room is disgusting.
On that cheerful visual note, I'll leave you all for the evening.
Yesterday was the first really really fun day I've had for awhile. Krystle and I had our first double-feature day in ages and saw "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" and "The Longest Yard," both of which were actually better than I thought, especially the first one. "The Longest Yard" wasn't quite what I thought and there was one plot point that I saw as totally stupid and needless, but what can a girl do. In between films, we continued our tradition of going to Pizza Hut for pepperoni & mushroom pizza, but our tradition was disrupted by the fact that on this particular occasion, we actually had a good waitress.
Afterwards, we had absolutely no desire whatsoever to return to our homes, so we hit the Paul Bunyan Trail barefoot for quite awhile, just walking and talking about anything and everything. The wonderful thing about Krystle is she's the only friend I think I'm actually totally, completely, 100% honest with all the time. And by that I don't mean that I lie to my other friends, but Krystle is sometimes the only friend I feel I can tell everything to for whatever reason. I'm never worried about her being judgemental or angry with me or anything else except my best friend. The walk and the thinking was good.
I did a lot of thinking, and I found out that I discovered my greatest fear. It's a strange and complicated one, one which I shall save for another post (if I bother to tell the world at all), but I've come to understand myself a little better from the realization. Sometimes I'm feeling afraid, but I don't always know exactly what I'm afraid of. And then when I discover it, I find out that I'm more afraid once I realize precisely what it is I'm afraid of, even while I'm feeling relieved for finally understanding what it is I'm afraid of. It was a miniature revelation for me. And it makes me feel somewhat isolated and more than a little bit crazy, so I need time to sift through things in my head before I try to put anything into words of any kind.
We also stopped by her grandma's house in Pillager. I would just like to say that she is one of the all-time coolest grandmas I have ever, ever known. And she has delicious lemony sweetness in the form of iced tea at her house, too.
Shoot. I just realized my CD is still in Krystle's car, I think. Rats. She got hired today at Herberger's though, which is exciting! She'll be working in the shoe department. When I told my mom that, she laughed and said that Krystle wouldn't make any money because she'll buy too many shoes, a statement to which I did my utmost to defend her.
I've been accused by several people of talking an inordinate amount about Krystle in my blog - perhaps this is true. I shall do my best to limit myself from now on.
I went down to visit Mel, Mal, and the rest of the St. Paul gang last week. I had a good time, for the most part, but I realized that I am missing out on so much. As I told Mel, I know all of the big things that are happening with people, but I'm missing all of the small things that make things fun. I'm missing the little things - the random spasms of uncontrollable laughter, the smirks that appear when faces are turned, the moments of tears and worries that pass in an hour but are life-and-death important within the moment. It makes me sad to know I'm missing those things, but if I were down there I would be missing those things up here with a few people so I guess it is kind of an impossible catch-22.
The resort is very un-busy tonight. The phone hasn't rung in an hour. Oh, how I wish I had brought a book with me. I used to do that all the time last summer for slow nights. And I have "All the King's Men" at home, which I'm dying to read. Shoot.
Tomorrow is my other day off this week. It's going to be sort of D-Day for me at the house. I'm determined to attack the backyard and get all of the weeds out from around the firepit, re-stack the firewood, re-build the fire ring as necessary, and weed my flowerbeds. I also want to get my closet cleaned up, all my clothes put away, and as many things unpacked as possible. It'll make my mom a happy camper and it'll make me extremely happy to be able to see my carpet. My room is disgusting.
On that cheerful visual note, I'll leave you all for the evening.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
