i don't like being cranky...

...but then, sometimes I just can't help it. This hasn't been a very good weekend for me, for a couple reasons. I've stopped sleeping again. Insomnia seems to be a random recurring thing for me now, so I'm tired, which contributes to my crankiness. It's not an excuse, but it doesn't help. I got kind of hit by a lot of emotional stuff this weekend. There's no point going into it, I just sort of clobbered myself over the head with my own slowness to understand things.

Something equally creepy and funny happened today. My mom and I decided to go bum around St. Cloud, so we just did some random shopping and such. Then we went to Barnes and Noble, where we can generally spend hours. I was looking forward to a long lazy time of wandering through aisles of books (yeah yeah, I'm a nerd) and I started picking up a few books here and there that I wanted to buy, when this random guy starts talking to me, asking me where I got my shoes. I was wearing beaded slipper-type shoes, and this guy is apparently from India originally, so I didn't see anything wrong with his asking me about my shoes, so I told him where I got them, etc. etc. Well, it doesn't end there, oh no. This guy - who, by the way, was like 35 - kept following me all around the store trying to converse with me, asking me what my name was and where I was from and how old I was and if I was in college, and he even gave me his business card and stuff. Everywhere I went, he came out from behind a bookshelf. So finally I was running around the store, dodging him, avoiding him, while desperately trying to find my mom so that we could leave because I was starting to get genuinely creeped out. So I find her, we start dodging our way around the store together, and we hurry through the checkout line and exit the store. The guy is standing outside, waiting, and he wants to shake my hand and tells me how nice it was to meet me and how much he enjoyed talking with me.....it was the most bizarre thing ever. I was like, "AhhhH! Get away from me!!" Story of my life. I finally get hit on and it's by a crazy middle-aged man. Once my mom and I left, we went to get coffee at Panera and it was a lot more humorous of a situation once I was removed from it. We started inventing a fake life for me to use in case something similar happens in the future. I'm so dumb I didn't ever know what to say. I don't have good responses and I, for some reason, kept trying to be super super polite to this person of questionable motives, like I was afraid of somehow offending him, even though he was making me want to sprint for the exit.

On the bright side, Best Buy (much to my shock and amazement) actually carried the cds I was looking for so I am now the proud owner of Copeland, Emery, and Forever Changed cds. I made my mom physically remove the Eisley cd from my hands and put it back because even though I want it super bad, I went for the new AAR cd instead, which is better than I expected so far. Music is going to bankrupt me soon. But I don't think there's a better way to go.

I saw movies with Krystle the other night, too, which was fun. I don't see her nearly enough anymore. "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" is the trippiest movie I've seen in forever. If I wasn't familiar with other work of Tim Burton's, I am pretty sure I would have assumed that the director was on crack. It was a very very interesting adaptation.

We also stopped at my uncle/godfather's house on the way home. It was really nice to see him and my aunt; I haven't seen them since Easter and they only live about 20 minutes away, which is just silly. It was a beautiful afternoon and spending a good hour or so of it out in the air under the trees at their farm was just peachy. It isn't really a farm anymore, they've sold all their cows and stuff, but it's still the farm to me. Family is a wonderful thing.

On that note, I'm going to go. I'm feeling less cranky now. I guess actually cranky and crabby weren't really the right words to begin with. Maybe unsettled and sad would be better. I'm currently reading C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed.". It is a wonderfully written missive, so well written that it makes me hurt. Every sentence seems perfectly, poignantly phrased and the writing is gorgeous, although so filled with sorrow that it doesn't do much to lift me from my unsettled state.

But tomorrow is another day.

i swallowed a bug.

I am tired. Really, really tired. I need to - I don't know. Do SOMETHING that has nothing to do with anything. My life has become very monotonous. I just work all the time. And I don't see hardly any of my friends - except, luckily, for Adam. But the last couple weeks have just been sort of a lull, for the most part.

I had an awesome 4th of July this year, though. I worked until like 3 or something, but then Adam and I hit up a movie, went out to dinner (he wouldn't let me pay, the rat - I'll have to make sure to find a way to repay that), and then chilled at Gregory Park and then watched fireworks. We were getting eaten alive by bugs. In fact, I accidentally swallowed one and was, consequently, made fun of all night because it like got stuck in my throat and I kept coughing. But the fireworks were beautiful and amazing. I hope it doesn't make me a pyro to say that I absolutely love, love, LOVE fireworks. I love the way they streak up into the sky, trailing gold behind them and then shoot into a million sparks of color, showering down. And the way they crackle and snap and bang! is wonderful to hear.

Work has been pretty crazy lately. We've been very busy, which is good, but also exhausting. I'm growing rather restless, though, with the repetitive nature of my life. I need something to shake it up. I think a trip to somewhere is going to be imminent soon, but I don't know where to go. I mean, of course there is St. Paul but most of my friends down there are working all the time & traveling and stuff anyway so I probably wouldn't get to see anyone. I just realized that I don't have anywhere else to go, though. Hmm. Dilemma.

I did get official word of my acceptance to York for the fall, so that's cool. I haven't gotten my package of information in the mail yet, though, so I don't have anything tangible to occupy my attention.

This is the first time I've ever been excited for summer to be over, I think. It's a strange feeling. Not that my summer is horrible or anything, not by any means. It's just that for one of the first times in my life, I'm more excited about what's coming than what's happening. It's kind of a good feeling, it just means that I'm rather impatient.

Another small blessing was that it was sunny and nice out yesterday afternoon so I got to spend some time out of doors on my day off. And so I finally got to sit out in the sun for a bit. I'm still pretty pasty but I have a leetle bit of color now. I also worked out in a serious way for the first time in a LONG time, and so today I'm quite sore. But in a good way, the way that means, hey, my body has accomplished something!

Anyway. I think I'm going to go do some laundry and some reading and some writing and then get myself to bed. It's been a long hot day and tomorrow promises more of the same.