Tonight I found myself struck with the inexplicable, deep, intense need to move away from Minnesota.
I don't understand it. I love the Twin Cities; my heart literally swells with happiness when I'm driving/riding from St. Paul into Minneapolis and I see the skyline at twilight, and it's perfect. And it's clean and beautiful and I love this place that has been my home these last three years.
But tonight, although it's really something that's been shifting around my brain and heart for awhile now, tonight it all came together and solidified and my heart was screaming, "get out of here!" I feel like I'm smothering here; my life is mostly inert. There are a few people I of course love to death here, but this enormous part of me just feels like I can't be here next year or I'll go crazy. There's too much world that I need to see and experience and own. Studying abroad, I sometimes think, is the worst thing that could ever happen to me, because it has made me feel like this world is not so big and scary as I once thought it was, and has made me think that I can experience it and live in it and that I'm not restricted to my little midwestern corner of the world.
It's nine months until graduation. And I am more determined now than ever to work my butt off to get into the NYU Publishing Institute, and if I get in, I swear I'm not looking back. I want out. I want more. And I don't know how that will affect my relationships with tons of other people, but I know that those nearest and dearest to me will always be there, and most of those bonds have already been tested through studying abroad and moving and they have lasted. Maybe it's just the stress of graduation and my fear of being stuck that makes me so intensely desperate to get out of here, and maybe it's a fleeting thing that will pass, but I really don't think so. I want more than this too much to lose that.
The only scary part about all of this is that I'm so afraid of being lonely. I'm not so fantastic at making friends, and new places are a little frightening, and I'm slightly afraid of losing some people who are so very very dear to me, although as I've already said, most of those bonds have already been tested so I'm not too terribly worried. It's just the starting over that scares me, because I've taken so long to make these friends and I'm not sure I can handle two years in a new place to reach the same level.
But this is the time in my life to do these things, to move while I'm still relatively unattached and while I have the energy and freedom and space and time to do these things, and I feel very suddenly determined to do them.
Look out, world. I'm coming, and I'm a disaster. But I'm coming.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Friday, September 15, 2006
oh, oracle.
I really haven't been this cranky in quite some time now. It's late, and I'm at the Oracle office (again), and I don't usually mind, but I've been out late a lot this week and I've barely slept and have eaten only at random intervals, and none of that puts me in exactly a fantastic mood. I saw the Robot House boys' band play on Tuesday and I hit up the Heiruspecs show at the Trock last night, as it was my birthday present to Tim, and I actually really had a good time. But right now, tonight, I'm cranky with still being here, and I'm cranky that I'm too exhausted to do my job as well as I'm capable of doing, and I'm super, super sad that I won't get to sleep for more than a couple of hours (again) tonight.
We seem to be having some communication issues tonight, as well as some content issues. Last week's issue was definitely better than this one, I think, as a whole. I don't know what's wrong with us all this week, but things are just ridiculous right now. We are stagnant. This issue isn't fresh, it isn't that compelling, save for a few stories, and we are disorganized and irritable.
But the people here, by and large, are such good people. And that's why, even on nights like this when I want to throw things and kick something and scream and maybe even cry a little, I stay. Because these people are my family away from home, my totally dysfunctional psychotic disagreeing family that, when kept in too close of quarters for too long, starts to insult its own members and argue and complain but when it comes down to it, I think we'd all do anything for each other.
I don't know what I'd do without these kids. I got so much happier at Hamline after I joined the Oracle. I was sort of adrift before that, but this little group of people is my social core. I have plenty of other friends that I spend plenty of time with, but no one I spend more time with or in closer quarters with. And there are certain things that you go through with people, and they cement you together forever regardless of your differences, and Manney's death was one of those things and it ties me to this office and to these people on a very profound level.
I will probably read this entry tomorrow at some time and feel a deep, intense need to copy-edit it, because I'm sure that I've made dozens of mistakes in this already, but I'm too tired and worn out and lazy to fix it right now. I may get to it, but if not oh well. I'm sure the message is getting across anyway.
Life's been pretty good lately overall though. I can't complain too much. Most things are going rather well. I like my classes, I like my jobs (especially my new one for the English department - I could not possibly work for nicer people than that group of professors), and I have a very satisfactory social life. Too satisfactory, almost - it's the reason I'm so damn worn out right now. I'm going to have to work on that.
We seem to be having some communication issues tonight, as well as some content issues. Last week's issue was definitely better than this one, I think, as a whole. I don't know what's wrong with us all this week, but things are just ridiculous right now. We are stagnant. This issue isn't fresh, it isn't that compelling, save for a few stories, and we are disorganized and irritable.
But the people here, by and large, are such good people. And that's why, even on nights like this when I want to throw things and kick something and scream and maybe even cry a little, I stay. Because these people are my family away from home, my totally dysfunctional psychotic disagreeing family that, when kept in too close of quarters for too long, starts to insult its own members and argue and complain but when it comes down to it, I think we'd all do anything for each other.
I don't know what I'd do without these kids. I got so much happier at Hamline after I joined the Oracle. I was sort of adrift before that, but this little group of people is my social core. I have plenty of other friends that I spend plenty of time with, but no one I spend more time with or in closer quarters with. And there are certain things that you go through with people, and they cement you together forever regardless of your differences, and Manney's death was one of those things and it ties me to this office and to these people on a very profound level.
I will probably read this entry tomorrow at some time and feel a deep, intense need to copy-edit it, because I'm sure that I've made dozens of mistakes in this already, but I'm too tired and worn out and lazy to fix it right now. I may get to it, but if not oh well. I'm sure the message is getting across anyway.
Life's been pretty good lately overall though. I can't complain too much. Most things are going rather well. I like my classes, I like my jobs (especially my new one for the English department - I could not possibly work for nicer people than that group of professors), and I have a very satisfactory social life. Too satisfactory, almost - it's the reason I'm so damn worn out right now. I'm going to have to work on that.
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