it takes all of my strength to be stable.

it's 3 a.m. and did i mention my insomnia was back with a vengeance? it's as if it's trying to make up for all those dratted nights i actually SLEPT since coming home.

krystle is asleep on my living room floor. i don't know what i'd do without her. i wish she were awake now, because now is the time of night where all the saddest, ugliest thoughts rise up from their thorny slumber and unite to attack me one by one. i never feel so alone or so afraid as when it's late at night and i've nowhere to run from my own angry, disheartening thoughts. They chase me 'round like a mad dog down a dead-end street - they're dangerous and there's nowhere to run from them.

i don't know how to keep myself from being sad so much. i know there's so much i ought to be glad about and grateful for and happy about but i can't help feeling like i'm so shut off and that there's some part of me that keeps me from actually entering any genuine happiness for more than a mere splendid moment or two before i snatch myself out of it. i have so many things to be thankful for and yet i find myself an ungrateful wretch who doesn't know what to do with herself except weep and mope, and what a sorry condition that puts me in.

worries worries worries and cares about others who i see self-destructing before me. ten nine eight and bam soon they'll be gone if i don't find a way to stop the ticking but i don't know what wire to cut. and if i cut the wrong one it'll save no one and will only make the explosion come that much faster so what color redyellowbluegreenredyellowbluegreen? which is it to be.

this is the most abstract random post i know i've done in a very long time but my thoughts themselves are very incoherent right now, now in the witching hour of night. forgive the paraphrase of hamlet but i seem to think shakespeare says things better than i myself am capable of doing.

sometimes i feel like i'm exactly where i ought to be and doing what i should and feeling as glad about being so alive as i am but other times it just seems to hurt too much for no reason in particular and i don't know why. i can come up with several independent reasons but even all added up it doesn't seem as though they should equal what they do. it seems that perhaps sorrows multiply instead of add hmm that's a problem because it means they'll always outweigh the joys exponentially unless i find a way to balance.

dont worry i'm sure tomorrow i'll be back to my usual joking jolly self but right now i can't pretend to be anything but cracked. this isn't a cry in the dark so please don't leave your pity. just know that as my friends you mean more to me than just about anything and you keep me in one piece at least for the most part.

too many thoughts too many moments to think.