what i have decided. edited.

There will be no Ireland this year for me, at least not in January.
I fly back into Minneapolis on Dec. 29th.
I'm not particularly happy about it. But in the end, it was the best decision. I know this, even though I don't really like it.
More later. I've been doing lots of thinking lately; in fact I was thinking until 5 am yesterday. But I need to do a little bit more before I get it all out.

later:
I fly into Minneapolis on Dec. 29th, on the same flight as my parents and brother, actually.

Okay. Well, now I've had a lot of time to think. What's strange is that the right conversation with the right person/people at the right time can cause you to realize things fully that you've been vaguely aware of but have never quite brought to fruition. After a couple of talks with some very wise and good people (and you know who you are), I realized a few things about myself, which I've shared with not very many people yet. They are somewhat as follows. I'm still having trouble putting into words why they're important, but I'm working on it.
1. I have realized that the reason England isn't quite what I had expected it to be is because I'm not what I expected me to be.
2. What I mean by this is that I have a nasty habit of thinking that every time I go somewhere new, I have, in the back of my brain, this concept of reinventing myself as someone more popular, more pretty, more exciting, more fun, etc. But somehow, this has never worked out for me.
3. I think the reason it's never worked out or gone according to play is because I take my past experiences with me. I don't have the gift some people do of shrugging off the past and starting fresh. I don't that's necessarily good or bad, but it's me. The main reason that I tend not to change much is that I'm just incapable of shedding myself. I bring my baggage with me, and most of the time it's a fairly considerable amount.

All of this may be very interesting but also may seem totally unrelated to my current circumstances surrounding my decision to go home at the end of December. However:

I found that a large part of why I found going to Ireland exciting (through some contrivance of my twisted and bizarre mind) was because I saw it as another opportunity to make myself cooler, prettier, more exciting, etc. with the Hamline crowd. I would meet new people, wow them over with my new and improved!! self, etc. etc..

So what I have realized is that it's okay that I'm going back earlier than planned. Perhaps even better. I spent hours and hours one night, writing and praying as hard as I could and thinking and really taking stock of myself. And suddenly all the things that have been plaguing me came to light and I saw the things about myself that I've been wilfully ignoring for so long. I know, obviously, that I've had issues with depression and self-esteem and self-image and all that. But I feel like I saw some other part of me, a part of me that is related to my past problems but also a big part of the present issues I've been facing, and that in recognizing that part of myself, I've already conquered it. I am guessing that doesn't make any sense, but that's okay.

The truth? It feels pretty good. I'm not totally happy, because I still don't understand Hamline's financial policies, and I would LOVE to see Ireland. But for my own sake, I think it is good that I'm going home. There are some advantages, not least being my friends and family. All of this realization stemmed from a couple of IM conversations with friends thousands and thousands of miles away. Oh, the wonders of technology!

I think it's time to get some coffee. It's a sunny bright day today (if cold) and I'm going to take advantage of it.