slowly suffocating

I really need this summer to end. I have socialized with basically no one in weeks, except one night of hanging out with Krystle and she, poor dearie, was sick.

Tomorrow will be a busy busy day at work. It's race weekend at BIR which means we have a totally full house which means that people are going to be in and out all day long and the housekeepers will have a trillion things to do and so will I.

My updating has been extremely infrequent. But that's mostly because nothing happens here. There are flashes of moments where I wholeheartedly love my hometown because of someone I recognize on the street or a brief instant when I'm driving home from work when I come around a corner and see the stars reflected in the total stillness of the lake and the quiet soft blackness of night surrounds me and everything is peaceful. And in those moments I feel like somehow the world is all right, that somehow everything is beautiful and wondrous. But then I got back to the monotony of life as I know it and the moments are too few and far between for me to hang onto. I'm very much looking forward to weeks of moments of things that are new and different and lovely because every moment will be an adventure.

I was really secretly sort of hoping that I'd meet new people and friends and the like through work this year. Last year, Tim invited me to stuff all the time and I never went. This year, everyone at the restaurant is friendly and nice but I don't get invited to socialize. It's almost a totally different crew and things are kept more separate than they were last year. Plus I think Tim might have had a little bit of a crush on me and this year I know no one does. Surprise surprise.

Oh dearie. I need to be busy again. I miss having every minute of my day scheduled and blocked out and planned. Of course, on those days, the plan never sticks. It's just that I miss knowing I have a million things to do, that people are somehow counting on me in some way even if only for the smallest things that I'm not really that helpful for. I need less time to think.

I keep thinking about all of the wrong things with my miles of spare time. I keep thinking about what I'd be doing if I were in St. Paul or how much I actually surprisingly really miss the leanring of college and most of all I keep thinking about all the things I wish I might have done differently and also about how I'm perpetually single, which is at this point in time really a trivial matter that seems to consume far too much of my thought space. I wouldn't mind so much if it were a choice, but it seems to be more that just no one notices I'm there, you know? Hmmm. I'm feeling rather melancholy tonight. I think maybe I just ate too much ice cream. It's a definite possibility.

My mom and I spent time messing with her digital camera. She's had one for awhile but she doesn't really know how to use it so we played around with it; hence a few new pictures of me. I feel really narcississtic putting up all these pictures of myself. Which is ironic, because I really don't like any of them except one, and that one was taken by Graham.

I bought two new cds today. I have purchased more cds in the last few months than I have in a long long time. I blame jake. If he would quit telling me about amazing new bands, I wouldn't feel compelled to buy so much new music.

I think I'm going to try to go to bed soon. My mom is leaving for Florida ridiculously early tomorrow morning and it's not possible for her to get up without waking me up. Then I get the house to myself for another three days...yay.