sigh

Haha. I just realized that many of my titles for blog posts (and indeed, many of my posts themselves) are so emo. But I'm an emo sort of girl, and it can't be helped, even though I would love to be way cooler than that. I'm afraid my lot in life has never been to be cool. Haha, not even close. I'm growing to embrace the concept that I'm going to be an emo nerd forever though.
Some people have blogs that are really introspective and thought-provoking and stimulating. I'm also not one of those people. My blog space is used primarily for sort of my free-writing. It's the only time that I write without actually really thinking about or analyizing my life or what's in it or what I'm thinking about. I just stumble over my words until my head is clearer and I let it go at that. It's a way for me to begin to sort out my thoughts without actually organizing them. I think it works because I can type fast enough to somewhat keep up with my random thoughts. When I write in my actual journal, I become much more introspective because I really ponder what it is that I'm writing but here I just have meaningless words flying across the page.
It's been a rough weekend. Manney's memorial service was on Saturday and I was surprised at how much I cried that day. I thought I had cried enough during the week to be able to hold myself together but I pretty much failed. I was so incredibly grateful for my few friends in attendance, especially Malin. I was relieved to have her at my house Friday night and incredibly comforted to have her by my side, feeling awkward along with me on Saturday. I can't even begin to explain how I felt for Graham and Manney's family. And I started thinking of all the things Manney would never get to do and it made me impossibly sad.
I then went to visit my grandparents, since Brian was kind enough to drop me off at their nursing home. My grandpa keeps talking about moving back to the lake and it worries me incredibly because after his stroke last summer, there's no way for him to live by himself and he refuses to see it. Then my parents told me that my aunt Robbie has pancreatic cancer (again). She had it once before and it miraculously went away but now it's back and I'm worried. She's had so many health problems over the years that I can't help wonder how long her body is going to hold out for. It's so unfair. She's such an amazing person, filled with grace and love and she's had such a hard life. Yet, if you asked her, she'd tell you how blessed she is. I am in awe of her.
And then lastly, I had to say my goodbyes to Joe who will be moving to Brazil soon. I can't even say much about that except that it sucked. I don't know when I'll ever see him again and I don't know what I'll ever do without him here.
So yeah. Not the best weekend. Now that I'm sure I've sufficiently depressed everyone, I'll be going.