weirdness

I'm sitting here alone in the Oracle office. It's strange, I wouldn't have thought that I would want to be here by myself (actually I didn't think that I WOULD be here by myself; I was surprised that no one else was around) but now that I'm here I'm finding it hard to want to leave really. There's something bizarrely comforting to me about being here.
Part of me almost feels guilty for having such a hard time with Manney's death. We certainly weren't best friends or anything, but I always enjoyed talking with him and hanging out with him and knowing that I'm never going to see his blue eyes or hear him "choking on his soul" as he laughs leaves me empty. And the thing is, I know that I'll eventually reach a point where I'm okay. But right now I feel like my soul is just weighed down with darkness and grief, and for some reason part of me feels like I somehow don't DESERVE to feel that or something...which I know is a strange thought. I feel like I'm somehow using his death for an excuse for why I can't seem to focus on my homework long enough to accomplish anything or why I can barely drag myself to shower or to class in the morning, and that makes me feel a little guilty, like I somehow don't have the right to grieve this way, which on one level seems ridiculous to me and on the other, I can't seem to stop thinking it. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I don't know. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow wrong in how I feel, even though it's how I feel. That makes no sense, even to me.
I'm so glad to be out of my dorm room. I was getting spring fever before but now being stuck in that small messy space I feel like I can scarcely breathe. I shouldn't have listened to Dashboard earlier today; "breathing is a foreign task and thinking's just to much to ask" has been resounding in my head all day long since then. The whole song "The Brilliant Dance" has actually been an incredibly good one for how I've been feeling lately though. "the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep" is the perfect way to describe the way in which I've been unable to sleep or do much of anything the last couple of days.
I don't know. Maybe I'm starting to lose it. It's totally possible. Part of me doesn't even want to go to bed at all because it feels like a constant struggle to get my mind calm enough to even attempt to sleep. So many thoughts and ideas and memories and regrets go flashing through my brain when I let it stop for any extended period of time that I feel like everything running around in my head is constantly searching for a way out that doesn't exist. And so it just keeps running, running, running, looking for the outlet that was never installed.
I'm going to go try to do some more reading for my philosophy project. I can't not be doing something.