long day's journey into night

...and the emo subject titles continue.
I'm so tired. Not physically, really; I've actually been sleeping pretty decently in recent times. But I feel drained inside all the time. And I go around with myself pulled together - teeth brushed, makeup done, hair blow-dried, smile on my face - but I feel like such a fake for looking ok and normal when inside I'm still feeling messed up. But at this point I would also feel like if I went around with greasy hair and dishevelled appearance that I would just be asking for sympathy, which would be totally lame. I know Manney isn't coming back. But I can't seem to quite wrap my head around the fact that he's never going to come back through the doors of the Oracle office, wearing his funny sweater with his rumpled hair, with a smirk on his face and his knowing blue eyes mocking someone as he laughs at them. I can't understand that I'm never going to see him again. I wish I had done more to let him know how much I respected him and how much I appreciated what he wrote and thought and did. And now it's too late and i'll never be able to. I'm pretty sure I've said that somewhere else before. But there it is.
It turns out that not caring about my schoolwork is going okay. I threw my presentation for Philosophy together last night and I think it went reasonably well. I just have to type up some notes (which will be easy since I have a ton of passages marked) and turn them in and I'm basically done for that class then. And for my Shakespeare class, I just have to draft my 5-page paper, and for physics...well, I suck at physics but I don't actually have anything due until next week when I have nothing else going on anyway so I couldn't care less. And Crossing Borders? Please don't get me started.
I think it would be unfair to say that Manney's death has left me without the motivation to do schoolwork because that would be using him as an excuse. It's just that in the light of such enormous tragedy and sadness, schoolwork seems so not important right now.
Just being with people and forming relationships and letting people know how much I love them and how much they mean to me seems to be the only thing of real import right now. I'm a little sad for myself because now that the year's almost over, I'm just beginning to make some real connections with people and then I'll go home for the summer and then study abroad and when I get back, all those people will probably not be too interested in being my friend anymore and that makes me sad.
I wish I had managed to make myself make more friends earlier instead of always holding back. My thing has always been that if I just hold back and never quite tell people what's on my mind that I don't stand any chance of getting hurt. And while I guess that's true, it now seems like a really selfish and stupid way to go through life. I can't believe it's taken me twenty years to get to this poing and finally realize that putting myself out there is actually worth it in the long run. Geez I'm a loser. I just never used to believe that I was worth liking or loving. That sounds incredibly trite and cliche but is oh-so-true. Even up until a few months ago, I think I often really felt like I wasn't worth loving at all and that thought scares me now because I'm suddenly realizing how incredibly important it is to love and be loved and how much everyone deserves that. So yeah. Wow. I guess that's where I am. I've come a long way.
God is good. And He's teaching me a lot of things even though they sort of freak me out and even though they confuse me and I don't know what to do with some of my thoughts and feelings, I know that somehow even the most stupid of situations in my life will somehow work out. There's one situation inparticular that I really wish I knew how to resolve but I'm so lost in it that I'll just have to keep on thinking and praying and wondering until I figure it out.
I should be working on a rough draft of my Shakespeare paper. Or at least coming up with a topic, but that seems to be too complicated for me to handle tonight. I'd like to write something on Bianca in "The Taming of the Shrew" but there is like nothing written on her and coming up with all of it myself again would simply be too much effort. I just want to find an article to refute about someone in one of the plays we've read. Is that so much to ask?
I'm amazed at how antagonistic I can be lately. I feel so badly for my roommate but not badly enough to stop myself from being uncontrollably cranky when I get back to the room every night. I don't know if it's just somehow become a negative space for me or what, but I can hardly stand being in here if I'm not just facing away from everything with headphones on. Music is my current escape and it's working for me. It's hard for me to be with people who aren't like Oracle people right now, which is ridiculous and crazy and stupid, but that's the way it's been going. I'm half looking forward to summer immensely and half dreading it.
On the brighter side, I think I have gotten an internship for next spring already. I'm still waiting for the final phone call to confirm it, but odds are looking quite good that I'll be an intern at the Capitol next year, which would definitely be interesting.
That's all I've got tonight. I'm out.