holding on to something

Today has been a strange day. It was a perfectly good one, but I've just had some odd thoughts running through my mind at times. It is probably the result of far too much coffee and far too little sleep, but there you have it. That's why it's good that I pretty much only give this site out to friends because I'm pretty sure most of you already know that I'm crazy. I started work again, which was fine. The boss and the manager both seemed quite glad to see me, and as much as I might dislike my job at times, it's always nice to be wanted/needed.
Which brings me to another point. And before I go any further, I don't want anyone to feel obligated to reassure me about anything because if I've learned anything this year, it's that life absolutely offers no guarantees of any kind and reassuring anyone with false promises about things is never a good idea.
I've been thinking about relationships. I always half-jokingly tell everyone that I'm bad at relationships because my longest one has only ever been about three months, and I haven't even known what to term most of my relationships, if that's what I'm going to call them. I smile and laugh and remind people that I'm the last person on earth to ask for relationship advice because I'm so terrible at them - but I'm half wincing inside for fear that it's the truth.
I have no idea why this is. Maybe I just haven't met the right person, or haven't recognized that the right person is around, or maybe, for all I know, I won't necessarily wind up with anyone. I don't have any idea whatsoever. This is a new concept for me.
Now, to be truthful, I really do think that God does, in fact, have someone in mind for me. Sometimes it's hard to know if the things I perceive as signs or pointers are mere wishful thinking though. And I'm only twenty. So it's not like my world is ending tomorrow, but it seems like almost every single person - no, scratch that - every single friend of mine who's my age has, I believe, been in more of a relationship than I have. That's another thing I just came to realize tonight, and it makes me feel a little strange. Like there's some secret or something that I just don't see or know about, and I'm too blind to make it out somehow. Or that maybe I had my chance(s) and I just blew them by not paying attention or by allowing other things to get in the way.
Hmm.
Other than that, it was a good weekend. Caitlin's graduation party was this weekend and I loved being there and seeing her and being out on her lake in a paddleboat at about 1 a.m. didn't hurt, either. There were moments where I just totally spaced out though and for whatever reason, in the dark, damp woodiness of the lakeshore, I thought of Manney and couldn't get him out of my mind. I felt there, for some reason, at moments, that it was the sort of night he would've loved - exploring a random cabin foundation/chimney by moonlight and sitting around a fire telling random stories. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he would've thought we were being dorks, but it's just a feeling I had.
I also desperately missed Joe. If he'd been there and I'd been having those moments, I would've grabbed him and we would've gone for a walk and just talked our hearts out, but now that he's in Brazil I don't have my walking and talking companion anymore. I'm so happy for him, though, that he's been able to grow and change so much in the last year and that he's doing just fine being in Brazil even by himself. It takes so much courage to just up and move to a foreign country like he has, and even though I miss him dreadfully, I'm trying to be unselfish and be purely happy for him, and I'm getting pretty close.
Krystle comes home in two days. Normally that would have an exclamation point. But exclamation points, in my opinion, are quite trivial, and this is an event that matters too much to me to be polluted with those irritatingly perky punctuation marks. They seem to scream, 'ooohh, oohhh, look at me, look at me," just like that one girl in high school that everyone knew and despised because of her false demeanor and insistence on being full of school spirit and condescending kindness. I'm not speaking of anyone specific from my high school, just so you all know, it's more just a composite stereotype that I speak of here.
This is getting very long. Which is too bad, because it's only been 20 minutes since I began writing it, and I'm quite bored already. I can't go to bed yet - I'm far too unsleepy - but there isn't a whole lot else to do around the house this time of night.