Shoot. Darn, darn, darn. I just KNEW my incredibly good mood that I had experienced the last couple of days was too good to last. And now I'm back in a deeper funk than I was before, feeling more confused and unsure of myself on so many levels than I had thought I would. Grrr. And the worst part is that I can remember how happy I felt just yesterday afternoon, and then yesterday evening, gloom descended and I haven't quite been able to shake it since then.
My roommate is making me more and more crazy as the days go by. From being out in the sun yesterday and today I got a little bit pink. No serious burn at all, but just pinkish. And then today, she's poking my back where it's red and telling me how dumb I am to be burnt. Well, I wore sunscreen and I was outside TRYING to help HER with our physics, to little avail. And it just annoyed me that she was telling me it was unsafe to be a little sunburnt or whatever. It's not like I was aiming for pink. When I say I want my normally-pasty skin to have more color, what I usually mean is something in a light tan range, not from the pinks. And she tells me this, she who bikes all over St. Paul without wearing a helmet because "it makes her head too hot"? Ha. Whatevah.
I'm a little lonely today. Dangit I hate that about college. I love my profs, my classes, and all the awesome people around campus who I hang out with and talk to but it's so rare for me to find a person I can genuinely connect with and talk to about random nothings as well as serious topics and I really, really miss that lately. I don't have anyone to really truly TALK to here, and I think that's a big part of my melancholia tonight.
I wish I knew better how to make friends and gauge what people think of me. I'm always convinced that people think I'm just some dumb nutbag who they put up with out of charity rather than truly like. And that's probably actually really narcississtic of me, thinking that I weigh that much on other people's minds, but I've had something of a self-confidence crisis for as long as I can remember, just about. I wonder to myself, who ARE these unbelievable people who can just go up to other people and start talking to them without worrying about how they feel ugly or fat or worrying about their hair or clothes look or if they'll say the wrong thing or drop their bag or their sunglasses will fall off their heads or whatever? How does a person get to feel good enough about themselves to believe that they're worthy of friendship and love and trust? How does that happen, because I don't get it.
And how does a person know, really truly for sure KNOW when something is right or wrong for them? I don't want to get too specific here, but there's just some things that I've been doing so much thinking and praying about lately, to no end, and I still don't feel like I'm reaching any place of coherence or clarity. And I don't know if I should talk to someone else about these thoughts or if I should just continue working and thinking and praying and hoping that some kind of answer will eventually arrive...unless I've already gotten one and I'm just too dense to understand it one way or the other, or...arrgh. I don't even know what I'm saying on this subject anymore, so I'm giving up for tonight.
Anyway, this is a pretty heavy post now, I guess, but it felt good to just type for a few minutes without actually thinking about what I'm typing and just letting words and sentences fall out, even if some of them don't make much sense. I may go back to edit later, but for now I'm just going to let my random nothings sit as they have fallen. So. Yeah. 'Night.
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