i got served.

So much for not being single. I should've known I'd be back here before too long, but I really didn't. I really thought things were going along just fine. But they weren't.

The thing that sucks the most is how completely inadequate this makes me feel. I hate that another person has so much control over what I think of myself and how I feel on a daily basis.

I know I'm going to be just fine in a little while. But right now, even though the logical, rational part of me knows that none of this is really my fault and that I'm not somehow defective, the other part of me that's sad can only think that if I were somehow different - prettier or funnier or smarter or something - that it would have been enough to make him think I was worth it. And I know that's silly, and it doesn't really make sense and isn't probably true. It's just how I'm reacting to this right now. I thought I would be safer than this.

The other way I'm reacting is by not sleeping. I'm so exhausted - I was already tired, and this was going to be my weekend to catch up on sleep, but no such luck. I'm going to have to start figuring out a way to clear my mind enough to fall asleep soon or I'll go crazy.

I wish I could be more angry or more understanding of what happened and why it did, but I'm not, quite, any of those things. I'm mostly just sad. I won't be forever, and I know that, but the getting there from here part is kind of tricky.

In the meantime, I'm really looking forward to a weekend trip to Chicago to see Mel. Things will be better there. I'll be distracted and happy and we'll have good good times.