on and on.

I don't have much to say lately. I feel like I'm just keeping life as complacent as possible because if allow myself to think about everything that's really going on in my life I will go crazy. I feel like if I really let myself think about what I'm feeling about what's going on in my mind I would realize that I'm really one of the most irrevocably screwed up people.

The problem, I have realized, with making friends who are older than you is that they all graduate and go away before you do, and then you have to re-imagine your life without them in it and you cannot even begin the process. And it's funny, because you have a life, obviously, before you are friends with these people. But then you meet and talk and suddenly these people become the most important ones you have in your life and then they graduate and prepare to move on with their lives before you are able to do so with yours.

I love St. Paul. I love it SO MUCH. But there's so much more out there. So many places I want to see, people I want to meet, things I want to do, and I am stuck here in limbo waiting to see if I can make any of that happen. I want to go to grad school but I don't know why, and I want to live in New York for awhile, or maybe Boston, and eventually London because I feel so of myself there. And there are people I am so afraid of losing that I don't even let myself consider the possibility of what I would do without them in my life in some form or another because I don't know how to function without them. I don't know who to tell my secrets to anymore.

Spring always makes me a little crazy I think and this year more than ever except for last spring, which was just screwed up to the utmost. It becomes this time where everything seems possible because things are starting new and the world is fresh and beautiful and lovely and aching but nothing seems possible because I'm stuck here going to classes and the loveliness is somehow beyond me.

Sigh. It's going to be a long week.