headaches and bad luck

another funeral. i don't know if i am going yet, as it's in florida. this routine is getting to be too much. too many tears, too much black clothing, too much feeling wrenched from the inside out from the emotional exhaustion of death and it's permanence and the searing finality of realizing i'm never going to see people again.
i didn't know my uncle all that well. haven't seen him in a couple of years now.
they got married when i was five. it was the only time i ever got to be a flower girl in a wedding. even though i was little, i think that's the day i remember him best from. they were so happy. the memories are incomplete, vague, without definition.
i had a bouquet of daisies. they were married on a ship, out on the ocean, and the weather was perfect. it was a day when the sky and the ocean were so blue and the sun so warm and bright that everything seems perfect. the dress i wore was white, with lace, and what i remember most is their smiling faces and how they fed each other cake and looked so happy. it is the first wedding i really remember, i think.
i find it strange to think that their entire marriage and its duration and now its end has all come within my lifespan. things happen so fast.
and this didn't, really. we have known that it would be coming. but it is still so hard to think of him being gone because they always seemed so happy. i don't know why those two things seem like they are connected but they do.
and i know these feelings i have are all related to the general frustration with life i've been experiencing lately, to that feeling of being just a short step away from the fall off the cliff to some kind of minor mental breakdown, to emotional overload, to the constant change and the upheaval and the chaos of things being the same.
i am overwhelmed by my inertia, my inability to bring change, my utter failure to make enough of a difference to those around me. like maybe i don't love enough, or tell people enough how much i appreciate what they do. instead i spend time being upset with people, getting irritated and impatient, when i should generally be thanking them for being in my life. so for those of you reading this, thank you for taking the time to see what's up with my life. thank you for putting up with me, my foul moods, my sarcasm, my frequent closed-off-ness. i am lucky to have the people i have in my life. i am so lucky to have you for friends and i promise to work to be a better friend to you. i love you all more than you can know.
i am planning right now to probably go to this funeral but if i do i feel it will be for selfish reasons. it won't help my aunt to feel better, it won't make a difference to al's daughters, at best it will bring me some feeling of false closure or the pretense of making things easier on my dad or somehow being able to help my aunt.
and no matter how i'm feeling at times, i know it can't be anything compared to how my aunt is feeling right now. in the span of five months she has lost both her parents and her husband.