issues.

I have so many of them. I've been feeling...tense, to say the least, lately.
Firstly, it's just been rough being back at Hamline. Do I love Hamline, and do I love my friends here beyond everything else on this earth? yes. But that doesn't make it totally easy being back, either. As I said in my last post, there's plenty of things I miss. I know I'll go back to England someday, and probably someday in the not-very-distant future, but I wish I could just go back whenever I wanted.
Then there's the little pressure-builders: filling out my intent to graduate form, trying to figure out how I'm going to cram a religion minor into the next three semesters, changing advisors again, worrying about a summer job and an internship, struggling to understand the readings for my feminist philosophy class, etc. I know that none of these are life-and-death issues, especially not right now, but already the idea of being a senior and graduating is starting to frighten me. I make jokes all the time about being an impoverished English major and how I'll never find a job and always be poor, but it's honestly something I fear. I WANT to work in publishing, I really do, and I don't really have any idea how I am going to accomplish that. I guess it's one more thing to add to the list to talk to my advisor about.
And then there's another, much bigger, much more profound issue that I cannot get off of my mind lately. It's absolutely not something I can discuss in any amount of real detail, partly because it's just too personal and partly because I don't want to talk about it, because I want it to have never happened and because I hate even thinking about it. And talking about it seems like it would make it even more real and bring even more of it back and I just don't want that at all. It's something I really thought I had dealt with and that I thought I was finished with, and I haven't even thought about it that much recently, but owing to certain events of last Friday night and some of the topics we've been discussing in my J-term, it's returned to my mind in full force and it's eating away at me, slowly gnawing. It's put me in this bizarre mood where I keep just feeling hurt and alone and sad for no real reason that exists anymore. It's something I've only ever told two people about in my entire life, and it happened a long time ago, so long ago that it seems absolutely absurd that it should be taking such a predominant place in my mind recently. But I can't seem to get rid of it.
Wow. How's that for being a downer?
Sometimes I think I think far too much.