and so it goes...

Well, today has certainly been interesting. It's a bizarre mix of things that life has thrown my way lately. First, there are some personal issues that I don't want to get into too much. Just suffice it to say that I have feelings for a guy that I shouldn't have feelings for because the whole situation is just- it's just absurd, really, and I think I may be slightly insane. But I have also been really involved in my relationship with God lately and that has been better than it's been in weeks...months, actually, and that rocks. However, I also just found out that my summer is pretty much going to suck, since Mary, Joe, Krystle, Pete Lund, and Bernadette will almost all most likely not be around. It's going to be a very lonely summer. And the thing is, none of them need me anymore. I mean, I know they love me, and we are all of course still friends- but all of them have somehow seemed to move on with life so much better than I have and I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but all my best friends are still from high school. Maybe I just am terrible at meeting people, or maybe I'm honestly just a person that other people don't really want to get to know. All I know is that I'm lonely, and I have been for awhile, but I don't think I realized how lonely I was until I realized I was going to be home this summer without any of my best friends there and pretty much no one to hang out with. I don't think I can afford to NOT live at home this summer what with study abroad next year and all, but it's looking like a long lonely summer this year. Mary has her SPO people and Krystle will be in NYC and Joe will be in Brazil and Bernadette and Pete will probably both be working at camp...and that leaves me, pathetic and alone. And the thing is, even if I were going to stay down here it wouldn't matter because I really don't have any really good friends down here except for Brit. I have a ton of people on campus that are cool to chill with and talk to, but I haven't been able to really connect with them. As satisfying as I honestly feel like my academic education has been here, there is a severe shortage of other students who don't like to party or are religiously committed. Of course, I can be friends with people who party and who don't have deep religious convictions, but I feel like there's so much I'm not able to share with those people, which is a lot of what has been holding me back from making really good friends here at school. Aaargh. I don't know. I'm just tired, I think, and more than a little frustrated with my severe lack of social skills, and upset at the prospect of a summer alone in Staples (which I think, actually, is pretty understandable). So that's it for tonight, I'm fairly talked out for now. And so to bed.