i am a bear of very little Brain

Not much to report today. A rather lackluster day, all in all, with the exception of a wild and crazy but brief shopping trip with the roomie. We manage to get ourselves into absolutely the most ridiculous situations sometimes. How was I supposed to know that if you do the self-check-out at the grocery store, the sensors can tell if you remove a full bag of groceries and then gets mad at you for removing items from the loading area? How on earth was I supposed to know that? And then we get to the vehicle and Brit thinks she's lost her keys, and surprise! they're in the ignition. Seriously, we cannot live together any more after this year.
I have still not been able to stop listening to my Mae cd. It gets better every single time. I'm afraid that if I continue to listen to it nonstop, I will get sick of it, and that would stink because it's so amazingly good, which is why I'm willing to risk getting sick of it.
I'm pretty excited at the prospect of having the dorm room all to myself for the weekend. I love Brit and she is a very good roommate, but a few days of solitude are sounding really good right now. I had a fantastic spring break and I loved every minute of it, but I've been so caught up in so many things lately that there's just been no down time for myself, so that should be nice.
Still haven't gotten a hold of the resort yet. I really must attend to that.
"Attend to that"? What am I, some kind of pretentious English major nerd....oh wait. Yeah. That's right. I am. But "attend to that"? I think it's a sign that I've been reading far too much Shakespeare to be of any use to anyone. I'm so sick of "Othello," but next up is "The Tempest," which I just read last semester at might hurl at the mere thought of reading yet AGAIN. Yechh. I hate Prospero, I think he's a jerk. But anyway, I guess that doesn't really have much relevance to my actual life.
At least the weather was nice today. I wouldn't mind it warming up just a tad, but the sunshine has definitely done me good. I'm still feeling pretty apathetic about a lot of things, but it's harder to be melancholy when the sun is shining and tulips are growing. It makes being a cynic much harder.
On that note, I'm out for the night. I still have some research to do for my Shakespeare class and I ought to study for my physics quiz, so away I go.

phwooragh

Hmph. Well, here I am, 8:30 at the Oracle office and no John. Not that it's that big of a deal, but I assured him I'd be here by 8 so that we could talk about his letter to the editor issue and now he fails to show. Oh well, it's still all for the best because I can get some early layout done tonight and then I'll know how much space to beg people to fill anyway, so I guess it all makes sense.
I've been drifting through life lately, not really focusing on much of anything. I really need to snap out of that if I'm going to even come close to getting through my classes this semester with any kind of grace. Sad thing is, the only things I really seem to care about lately are the Oracle and my philosophy class. I did do really well on that midterm, so that's a little reassuring, and I've chosen a topic for my final presentation, but of course I had to go and choose a ridiculously complicated topic. I couldn't choose a certain type of sculpture to scrutinize or something, oh no, I had to go and decide to philosophically dissect the narrative in literature, using at least one traditional and one non-traditional narrative (like Balzac and Grass or something). Sigh. How do I get myself into these things?
I had a rather depressing realization today as well. I realized I don't have a best friend. I don't think I've had one in years and years, maybe even ever. The person I've always considered my best friend invariably has someone else for a best friend. What does that say about me? Might it perhaps be indicitave of my own inability to be a best friend, or is that just my own somewhat rotten luck that I just haven't happened to have one? Hmm. I wonder. It was a rather disconcerting realization nonetheless.
Everyone I know lately seems to be either getting married or at least hooking up with someone ELSE I know. Sheesh. Some people I didn't even know about until like today. oy. I'm out of the loop, I guess, or have been. I feel quite a few of my friends sort of starting to drift away a bit. It's funny, because whenever I'm home, people ask me how Mary is doing like I should know, and perhaps I should, but honestly, right now I have no idea how she really is. I don't feel like we've had a genuinely good talk for ages. And it's neither of our faults, really, I don't think, but it's happening and there it is and there you have it.
I should really be working on layout instead of this, so that Brit and I can go to the midnight show of Sin City tomorrow night, which I really want to do because it looks like a pretty cool movie. She's going to Chicago for a mini-break this weekend, so I'll also have the dorm room all to myself for a couple days, which should be nice. I want to do some major cleaning. I haven't even unpacked my suitcase from last week yet because I want to rearrange a ton of stuff in the room before I do. My closet and bureau space need some serious readjustment. Not like anyone needed to know that, but I figured I might as well share.
As much as I'm going to be working this summer, I'm actually getting sort of excited for it to arrive. Because the nice thing about summer jobs is that I don't have to take them home with me. I mean, yeah, I work 8 hours straight at the resort with not even so much as a lunch break, but then it's DONE. No homework, no papers, no projects, no planning- and who knows, maybe I'll even have a little bit of time for fun things as well. And since I'll have virtually no friends around until Manney gets back from Germany like in August, I should be able to get plenty of summer reading done. I should start making a list soon. I make a list every summer and I never get through the entire thing, but I'm hoping that this summer I'll manage.
Yeah. Well, this is getting really long again because I am pretty much just avoiding my two blank newspaper pages staring at me from behind this window, so I'm going to take care of that now.

busy busy like a bee in summer

:: sigh :: Adam is right. I DON'T do much of anything. Not that he's exactly been Mr. Exemplary poster lately himself, but whatever. Tonight, I realize, I would pretty much rather be doing anything other than still struggling with my physics, so it's all good. I just get so incredibly frustrated with how incredibly stupid I am when it comes to that class. I genuinely have absolutely no talent for it. And I hate that. Usually, if there's a class I'm not much good in (Macroeconomics and Calculus come to mind), I just put in a little extra time and effort and I wind up being just fine, but such is not the case here.
In any case, at least I had a good spring break. Spending time in London with Krystle was wonderful. Dangit I miss that girl. She's one of the very few friends I have that I can talk to without worrying about her being at all judgmental. She lets me get away with being more annoying and stupid than I actually have any right to be and doesn't even seem to ever be bothered by it.
Jake Scott and I came up with a brilliant plan to run away from our troubles and go live at the big rock candy mountain, but our plan was foiled when we remembered that the aforementioned place is, after all, fictional. Sweet, I worked the word "aforementioned" into my post. Very nice. It's one of my favorite words and I have no idea why. Anyway, yeah, it's too bad I don't have anyplace to run away to. Gotta love that kid though, he always makes me laugh. Not an easy task sometimes these days, either.
Another shout-out happy birthday to Peter Lund. I feel like I'm pushing his birthday excessively, but I like my friends to have very happy birthdays, and so if you are Pete's friends and have yet to wish him a happy one, hop to it. You've only got a couple of hours to go before it's officially over.
Speaking of hopping, I dug into some of my Easter candy today and the hollow bunny my mom got me this year is truly disgusting. I was extremely disappointed; I usually have a top-notch bunny in the basket, but this year, something went terribly, horribly wrong, and it wound up tasting slightly of rubber. And although I LOVE my mother, I really with that just ONE year she could remember that it's the Cadbury Creme eggs that I love, not the Caramel ones. But she tries, she really does. She just forgets.
This Saturday when I had people over at my house, Adam, Pete, and Trevor kept a thread running throughout the evening of making up random things they have purportedly read/heard about Rammstein. Funny, funny, funny boys. All week some of the things they said have been jumping into my head and making me laugh at wildly inappropriate times, like today in my physics lab. I think Ben and Darren think I'm just a little bit crazy, but that's ok. They aren't far off the mark.
I also got the new CD today from a band called Mae, and it is amazing. I have literally not been able to stop listening to it for hours now. It's already a worthwhile investment; I will be getting tons of wear out of this one. Best record I've bought in ages. And it's a fully themed actual album. All the songs flow together beautifully, and they have a funny little prologue and epilogue, and special art for the booklet, and all kinds of good stuff. Brilliant.
Tomorrow Brit and I are doing a shopping run- hurray. She has a vehicle this week, and it's really nice having a roommate with a car. I'm loving it. Truthfully, it's a LandRover, I think she would kill me for calling it a car, but you get the idea.
I suppose I should suck it up soon and let the resort know that I will be back this summer. I really don't want to be at home but there's nothing else. I found out today that I was totally rejected for the internship that I applied for- I didn't even get an interview. Oh well. First time for everything, I suppose. It's the first job I've ever applied for and not gotten, much less not even gotten interviewed for, which has been nagging me all day but oh well. Nothing I can do about it. Now I just need to find another job, part-time, to fill up the rest of my days. I had better pray I don't get sick this summer, or with two jobs I will be in big trouble. Hopefully I'll at least be getting a raise at the resort, that would definitely soften the blow a bit. And I'll have no Shari this summer to help me pass the time, sadly. I loved working with Shari; she's one of the funniest ladies ever.
I think I use semicolons too much. In this fabulous book called "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" the author discusses how there are two types of writers - those who refuse to use semicolons and consider them a degenerate form of punctuation, and those who have to forcibly restrict themselves from using one in every sentence. I, I'm afraid, fall completely into the latter category. I love semicolons. They're such convenient little punctuation marks.
Wow. Could I BE any more nerdy of an English major? I find it hard to believe that I could.
But this post is getting quite long (ought to satisfy Adam) and I'm off to do devotions, finish physics, and get some sleep. I'm still worn out from my spring break, I think, even though that seems ridiculous. Cheers, all.

worst day ever...

...well, ok. Not the worst day EVER. But it's right up there. Crap, crap, crappity crap crap crap. Of all the days for me to have to do an entire extra page of layout at the Oracle, this is the ONE DAY I would absolutely choose to NOT do that. I have a physics exam tomorrow, TOMORROW, for which I need to know about twenty formulas, of which I currently only know like five. I'm going to have to blow off my Shakespeare class tomorrow if I'm going to have any hope of being able to study enough to attempt to pass my physics exam, and I am not happy about that. Granted, the Shakespeare class isn't my favorite, but I absolutely hate and despise skipping classes for any reason. Heaven knows this school costs enough, I might as well put the money to good use and attend the classes that are being paid for. At least that's my take on the situation. The good news is I don't have to work today so if I get to the office and work like crazy, I just might be able to be finished there by 8 or 9 p.m., although I'm not going to count on it because it seems that lately, whatever CAN go wrong at the Oracle for me invariably does. Grrr. This semester is crummy. I feel like I'm a zombie going to classes and vaguely attempting the reading and I feel like I have accomplished basically nothing except for writing two papers and doing a junkload of reading. I'm not a happy girl. I have always loved my classes here and my professors but for whatever reason, this semester my heart is just not in it at all. I don't even get that excited about the prospect of studying abroad, which I was formerly absolutely pumped for. Tthis weekend, I have to bake scones for my "Crossing Borders" class as a food representative of the country I'm going to. England isn't known for its food, and there's a reason for that - most of it isn't very good. But I think scones are an okay choice so that's what I'm going to do at home this weekend. Fun times, no?

an odd day

So. Today has been interesting. For whatever strange reason, I was seized by the uncontrollable urge to dance around my dorm room tonight while my roommate was studying in the library. I hope no one saw through the window; we are, after all, on the first floor. Perish the thought!
It's been a weird day. I am still a little fed up and upset about things at the newspaper office but I am really trying my best not to be angry with anyone and to see the entire situation as an opportunity for the paper (and for myself) to expand and learn and grow. Which sounds incredibly corny and insincere, but that's truly how I am attempting to approach the situation. At this point, I don't see how else I could approach it that would do anyone any good whatsoever.
I'm lonely today. I hate to admit it, but I really do miss having a boyfriend. Not so much that I'm lonely for the particular boyfriend I had - those of you who know me well know about that - but I desperately miss having someone to call for no reason at all, no one to always hang out with and do nothing, to watch random movies with and to stay up until some unholy hour talking to about incredibly strange and bizarre things. I really, really miss that. And though this is not the most important part, to be honest, I totally miss kissing people. It's been months. MONTHS. A long, dry year so far, my friends. Haha. Wow, that sounds dumb even now to me. But I refuse to bait myself into deleting that, because it is what I was thinking. It's going to be a long, lonely summer, too. I'm 99% sure that I will be back at home this summer working two jobs (read: about 60 hours a week) to earn enough to study abroad and such. Fun times. I don't think anyone's going to be home to hang out with. Adam, will you be home this summer? Puh-leeeeease??? You are almost my only hope for intelligent company. Otherwise (and even if you are) I may need to beg mercy of Caitlin and Jake Scott in order to at least have some claim to friends this summer. Maybe something good will come of it that I am currently clouded in my judgement to see. I hope so.
On the slightly more cheerful side of life, I think I have found a place to live next spring. My friend Malin is planning to study abroad in the spring, so if that comes through, I can sublet her studio apartment and have it alllll to my onesie self for the entire spring semester. That would be wonderful. And it's a teeny bit expensive for me, but she really seems to want me to have it, so she is willing to pay a small portion of the rent each month to put it within my range. How sweet is that? I'm very excited at the prospect. I just want to see it but I'm pretty sure I'm going to want it. Score.

surviving the firestorm...

Well, in response to Adam's vehement demand that I update, I shall do so at once. What I'm going to do is give an account of why I haven't been updating much and why I have been so stressed lately. I've been very busy lately, what with attempting not to fail physics and all, but there's something else that's come up that has made life particularly difficult. Also, I must give some recognition to Adam, whose intriguing blog can be found at http://exittheory.blogspot.com

As many of you know, I am the Opinion editor for my campus newspaper; it's a job that I love and I work with a great group of people there as well. However. Back in December, before I had this job and I was still a lowly Associate editor, two students on campus submitted a letter to the editor regarding a professor on campus. I don't know what their intent was, precisely, in submitting the letter, but the result was that many people interpreted as a personal attack on the professor, challenging his competency and personal beliefs regarding diversity and race. We don't publish during J-term, so over the first couple of weeks of the spring semester, the aforementioned professor was working on a response piece to the two students of color, which was initally waaay to long to even think about printing. My editor-in-chief kept telling him it just had to be cut down and cut down until finally he got it to around 1400 words, and he said that was the best he could do. In light of his efforts, we decided to publish the letter as it was. The same week, because of the size of this letter, we had room to print only like one more letter and the one we printed was from a girl who basically seemed to think that diversity isn't nearly as much of an issue as many people make it.
In retrospect, it was probably not the wisest idea to print these two letters together in one issue, but believe me, if I had ANY notion of the fallout that would arise from this, I never, NEVER would have printed them. After the issue came out, we got a flurry of e-mails saying how unfair it was, how terrible it was that we allowed this professor extra space to defend himself, how the issue of the paper was obviously part of institutional racism, etc. Needless to say, as Opinion editor, a few choice words were also thrown my way, either directly to my face in passing or via e-mail. I know that it is important to not take these things personally, because I certainly had no intention whatsoever for this to get so out of control, but it has been hard not to be extremely stressed about not only my own reputation but of course that of the paper as well. People have been upset that we let the prof. respond at all, others because we allotted him more space than the usual 500 words, some because they felt the page/issue of the paper was anti-student of color, etc. etc.
There's been much more anger and hurt surrounding this issue than I had ever even dreamed of, and while I'm sorry that so many people interpret the situation in the ways that they have, I also cannot feel that I did anything wrong in printing what I did. The point of the Opinion section is to provide an open forum for people to express their viewpoints, and I refuse to engage in the practice of only printing what I personally agree with, because I really feel that compromises my journalistic integrity. Some people may scoff at the idea of a college girl feeling seriously concerned about journalistic integrity, but it's a position I take very seriously and I care very deeply about what is printed and what is said about myself and the paper. I spent a few days feeling incredibly stressed about the issue and practically ready to burst into tears at all times from the stress and lack of sleep I was getting because of this issue, but I am calming down and seeing the situation a little differently. Like I said, I really don't believe I did anything wrong.
Generally speaking, most of the opinions printed in the section are very liberal, and I truly feel that it's important not to silence voices on campus, even if (and perhaps precisely BECAUSE) others on campus may see the viewpoint as overly conservative, narrow, limited, or even just wrong. If those voices are silenced, how do we as a community begin to know what issues we need to work on? For all the lip service paid to diversity on this campus, letters like the one I printed (and people's issues with the professor), to me, demonstrate precisely how much work we have left to do, and isn't it important to see that? I am so frustrated with people who seem to believe that the letters printed are the ideas of the Oracle or of me personally, because that is just so incredibly absurd that I don't even know how to respond to it. How could I possibly print letters for AND against, for example, the Military Recruiter Ban initiative on campus and agree with them both? I CAN'T. Hence, it's impossible for the published viewpoints to be reflections of my own. It has just been such an incredibly stressful, crazy, mixed-up last couple of weeks. What I find particularly ironic about the situation is that when the first letter (from the two students was printed), I had NOTHING TO DO WITH it, so I am essentially just dealing with all of the fallout from a situation that I originally had no part in whatsoever. I think that pretty much covers it. That's been sort of the overwhelming issue here, anyway.

I finally passed a quiz in physics today, which is some small cause for celebration. Of course, the passing was with a D+, but I'm going to take whatever the heck I can get in that class. I don't get it. I wasn't that bad at physics in high school, but I just plain SUCK at it now. And it's algebra based, it's supposed to be easy. And I have never, ever in my life felt more stupid in a class. I hate it. I mean, I don't hate the class; lecture is kind of fun and I have a decent lab group, but I just hate feeling so stupid. Yechh. On that note, I go to finish my physics homework.

A "getting to know you" thing I stole from Graham

FIRSTS
First job: Glorious times at D.Q.
First screen name: I think stardust2756
First self purchased tape: Haha, Ace of Base, when I was like seven
First enemy: hmm. Brandon Winger comes to mind, from first grade
First big trip: We went to California when I was like 6 months old. Otherwise, the first one I remember was going to Florida when I was 3.
First concert: Jars of Clay
First relationship: hard to say
First pet: our dog, Tigger, sweetest dog ever

LASTS
Last big car ride: going to Nashville for the Oracle
Last kiss: oh geez, how long has it been?
Library book checked out: "The Comedy of Errors: Critical Essays."
Last movie seen: Imaginary Heroes
Last beverage drank: water
Food consumed: a Quaker Oats breakfast bar
Last phone call: I think Megs
Last cd played: one I burned off my brother's computer like three years ago
Last annoyance: always waking up when Brit gets up- though that's more of a habit now than a real annoyance
Last soda drank: diet dr. pepper
Last ice cream eaten: Edy's mint chocolate chip
Last time scolded: last time I talked to my mom (like yesterday)
Last shirt worn: my comic-book style t-shirt "I'm glad...it's my holidays!"
Last website visited: hotmail
Last relationship: Leslie, I suppose

I'S
I am: a little bit crazy
I want: to be anywhere but here for a couple of weeks
I have: too many issues
I wish: for world peace
I hate: the radio station 93x
I hope: that my life stays in one piece
I hear: music
I search: for love and happiness
I regret: squandered and lost opportunities
I love: my friends and family
I always: take things too personally
I dance: when no one's watching
I cry: too often
I am not always: prepared
I write: far worse than I wish I could
I win: seldom, but then I try not to compete very often
I lose: my mind a little every few days
I confuse: myself
I need: a vacation
I should: focus more on my spiritual life

YES OR NO
You keep a diary: I prefer "journal."
You like to cook: sometimes
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: oh i think there's a couple

DO YOU
Want to get married?: yes
Get motion sickness?: never
Get along with your parents?: for the most part
Like thunderstorms?: love them. except when i'm driving.

THE BASICS
Current hair color: brown
Birthplace: Brainerd, MN
Birth Date: November 19, 1984

FAVORITES
Number: 2
Color: blue
Day: Saturday
Month: May
Song: currently, probably Kasey Chambers' "The Captain"
Season: spring
Drink: fruit-flavored mineral water
Sport: meh, i can take or leave most of them
Animal: dogs

PREFERENCES
Cuddle or make out: umm......i guess both?
Chocolate milk or hot chocolate: hot chocolate
Milk, Dark, or White chocolate: milk
Vanilla or chocolate: chocolate

IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU?
Cried? nope
Bought something? a movie ticket
Gotten sick? no
Gone to the movies? yes
Gone out for dinner? no
Said I love you? yes
Written a real letter? no
Talked to an ex? nope
Missed an ex? no
Written in a journal? yes
Had a serious talk? not really
Missed someone? definitely
Hugged someone? yep
Fought with your parents? no
Fought with a friend? no

WOULD YOU EVER
Eat a bug: no. unless i got paid a bunch of money and even then it's questionable.
Bungee jump: possibly, if I ever got up the nerve
Lose it: yes
Parachute from a plane: maybe, but probably not
Walk on hot coals: I don't think so
Be a vegetarian: I don't think I COULD
Wear plaid with stripes: no. I don't thinkIi even own anything plaid.
Sing karaoke: I cannot imagine under what circumstances, but I suppose it's possible.
Shoplift: no
Run a red light: maybe if I was really really in a hurry or already in the intersection...
Dye your hair blue: maybe, if I had a good reason
Be on survivor: no
Cheat on a test: no
Make someone cry: I'm sure I have

here-and-there thoughts

I am tired! I'm getting behind on work, I'm frustrated with lots of my schoolwork (particularly physics), and with the additional pressures of trying to figure out all of my study abroad materials, family issues, and stuff like that, it's been somewhat rough going this week. Anyway, though, things could be worse. I'm just feeling pretty unmotivated lately, I guess. I particularly need to force myself to be more participatory in my Shakespeare class. I am getting more interested in it, it's just different from what I had thought it might be and that always takes some reconciliation. It would be absurd of me, of course, to write off the semester in any of my classes so far since we're only like two and a half weeks into them, but it's not quite the semester I had been planning for, so I am still readjusting myself to that.On the somewhat brighter side, I do feel like I am making genuine progress in my faith life, which of course trumps all other troubles in the long run for me. It has been harder living with my roommate, though, because when I made plans to room with her last year I was stumbling through a really rough patch in my faith and now that I'm moving back in a direction that is much better for me, it's harder to live with her knowing that so many of her ideals and focuses are different from me. I love her to death and she is a very wonderful friend, but living with her is getting harder. Which is why next year I would looooove to find an apartment with Malin and then switch off during study abroad semesters; that would make things much easier for me. I'd love living with Melissa, too, if that winds up working out, but we've got time to figure that out.So some of my crazy weird friends have pretty much forced me to post my picture at hotornot in an effort to boost my self-esteem. I think they're insane, but in case anyone wants to see me looking dumb, http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=BUB8BYG&key=WFW - there's your chance.I have a cash refund to pick up at the cashier's office, too, and I keep forgetting about it!! How I can forget about it is totally beyond me, because I am constantly thinking about how broke I am, but it just keeps slipping my mind. Anyway, that's enough sundry updating for the night; I'm going to go try to do some reading and work on some other things. Good night, all!

ahhhhaha

And it's quickly coming...another Valentine's Day alone. I don't rant against the holiday with vehement disdain as some do (though I did write an editorial piece called "Rage against the Valentine's Day machine"), but I don't exactly relish the reminder of my singleness, either, so it's not my favorite time of year. It might be cool if I had some great memory of the day, but this is the girl who's only ever gotten flowers from her parents, so you can imagine how my past Valentine's Day days have been. For although there are many days when I'm happy enough being single, I'm still carrying a torch that I really wish would just go out, and I also miss some parts of having a boyfriend. Enough of that talk, now, though.
This semester is rough. I thought it would be considerably easier than last semester, but I lied to myself, apparently. Physics is killer, I'm not enjoying my Shakespeare class nearly as much as I had hoped I would, and Crossing Borders, though I'm sure worthy for many, addresses a lot of things that studying in England don't really require. The only class that's going the way I had hoped and that I enjoy is my Philosophy of Art class. I shouldn't complain, though, it's not like I'm dying. It's just that I had been really looking forward to this semester and I've already realized it's definitely not going to be what I thought it would. I guess I just need to learn to go into my classes without having expectations and then I'll probably be much happier with them.
Other things are going ok though. I'm happy to be back at the Oracle, even though half the time I still feel like more of a hindrance than a help. It's such a fun, relaxed atmosphere though, and pretty much everyone else there is cool to hang out with. And I think I'm going to try a new church this weekend; the Presbyterian one a couple of blocks away looks kind of cool, so I just may check it out. I miss my church from home. It's such a good community of people and Pastor Steve rocks. I'll have to keep looking down here for somewhere I feel at home.
Anywho, there isn't a whole lot that's interesting going on in my life right now, so I'm out for this Friday night.

sick

Hey, y'all. For those of you who pray, if you could send a quick one my way that would rock. I am still really really sick. I can't seem to shake my fever and I cannot for the life of me stop coughing and aching...it's really not cool. Anyway I'm super tired and I need to work on my final project for my j-term class but that's taking basically all of my energy right now. I hope you all are doing well though! Have a super week.

not again!

I'm sickety-mcsick-sickerson today. I was just sick like a month ago over Christmas with the flu and now I'm fevery and achy and hacking away like a cat with a hairball. Nice idea, isn't it? I felt fine yesterday and ok this morning but over the course of the day - BANG! - some alien virus has taken over my body and made it weak and fickle. I wouldn't actually even mind that much except that it's basically too much effort to even recopy my notes for class, which I really have to do this weekend. So this is pretty much just a disctraction for myself for a minute or two to avoid attempting to do my homework, but I think I'm going to go take a nap now and then get back to it. God bless, y'all.

morning comes

Well I'm not nearly so cranky and despairing as I was last night, but I'm definitely still very bummed out about this summer. I will probably just work at the resort again; I'll ask them for a raise and I think they'll give it to me. I was a good employee - I complained to everyone else ABOUT my job, but I didn't complain at work and I was always on time and never called in sick, plus now I am already trained, so I don't think asking for a raise is too unreasonable. I'm just going to really really miss having the companionship of the friends that I've spent the last three summers with, but I guess that's just part of growing up. Growing up sucks. I'm 20 years old - 20!!! Which I know isn't particularly old, but I feel strange not being a teenager anymore. I'm techinically in the category of "young adult" and I'm not sure that's something I'm really ready for.
Last weekend when I was home, I saw "In Good Company" with Adam. It was a really good movie, but that isn't the point. The movie is partly about corporate takeovers and instability in jobs and winding up in a job you thought you wanted but hating it. What if that's what happens? I'm putting all this hope into someday going into editing/publishing in children's literature, and I either never get there or get there and wind up failing utterly? Frightening thought. I guess there's no way to know until I get there, though, right? So the best thing is just to keep praying and listening and going on ahead. I know now that I do NOT want to be a film critic, anyway. I used to think that would be such a cool, fun job, but now that all I do is watch movies and write about them, I'm totally sick of it and it's only been a couple of weeks :) so that is obviously not the place for me.
I'm really excited about being the new Opinions editor for the Oracle, though. I think that will help a ton in a lot of ways - as soon as the Oracle's up and running I'll be spending more time with the kiddies there and I will not only be less bored, I'll definitely be less lonely. I didn't realize how much I depended on working there until we stopped putting out production for J-term and now I can't wait to get back.
In the meantime, however, I have two (!!) films to watch today for class, which we aren't even supposed to HAVE today; it's a Monday-Thursday class. Yechh. Oh well. Off I go.

and so it goes...

Well, today has certainly been interesting. It's a bizarre mix of things that life has thrown my way lately. First, there are some personal issues that I don't want to get into too much. Just suffice it to say that I have feelings for a guy that I shouldn't have feelings for because the whole situation is just- it's just absurd, really, and I think I may be slightly insane. But I have also been really involved in my relationship with God lately and that has been better than it's been in weeks...months, actually, and that rocks. However, I also just found out that my summer is pretty much going to suck, since Mary, Joe, Krystle, Pete Lund, and Bernadette will almost all most likely not be around. It's going to be a very lonely summer. And the thing is, none of them need me anymore. I mean, I know they love me, and we are all of course still friends- but all of them have somehow seemed to move on with life so much better than I have and I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but all my best friends are still from high school. Maybe I just am terrible at meeting people, or maybe I'm honestly just a person that other people don't really want to get to know. All I know is that I'm lonely, and I have been for awhile, but I don't think I realized how lonely I was until I realized I was going to be home this summer without any of my best friends there and pretty much no one to hang out with. I don't think I can afford to NOT live at home this summer what with study abroad next year and all, but it's looking like a long lonely summer this year. Mary has her SPO people and Krystle will be in NYC and Joe will be in Brazil and Bernadette and Pete will probably both be working at camp...and that leaves me, pathetic and alone. And the thing is, even if I were going to stay down here it wouldn't matter because I really don't have any really good friends down here except for Brit. I have a ton of people on campus that are cool to chill with and talk to, but I haven't been able to really connect with them. As satisfying as I honestly feel like my academic education has been here, there is a severe shortage of other students who don't like to party or are religiously committed. Of course, I can be friends with people who party and who don't have deep religious convictions, but I feel like there's so much I'm not able to share with those people, which is a lot of what has been holding me back from making really good friends here at school. Aaargh. I don't know. I'm just tired, I think, and more than a little frustrated with my severe lack of social skills, and upset at the prospect of a summer alone in Staples (which I think, actually, is pretty understandable). So that's it for tonight, I'm fairly talked out for now. And so to bed.

crunch time

I will be on my merry way home in just over 24 hours, and I'm amazed at how glad I am about that. It's been a pretty good semester, but I'm just tired and worn out. I need to go home, and I'm glad that I get to do that tomorrow.
I'm trying to buckle down and WRITE my final paper for lit. theory, already, but I'm having a lot of trouble caring enough to write a good paper. And knowing that I have to spit out an Ethics paper after that doesn't make it any easier, even though both are relatively short and not really that difficult to write.
Brit missed her jury for bass lessons yesterday, which is definitely bad. Basically it means she is screwed for any kind of decent grade in that, because she has to be graded on performance (since that's the Hamline Plan credit that goes along with the course) and the only day that the jury met was yesterday. I feel so crappy for her; that would suck so absolutely. I don't have any understanding of how that might affect a person, but I'm pretty sure I'd be banging my head against the wall. She, however, is handling it with much more maturity and grace than I suspect I might.
At least classes are done. I had really good courses and profs. this semester, but I'm so tired and there has been such an incredible amount of shit that has happened in the lives of so many of my friends that I just want to go home and be with them. I don't want to get into any details (because details would take volumes upon volumes in order to explain everything properly) but suffice it to say that I need to spend some time with them.

Aaargh!!

Finals! They're killin' me, man. Not really. I'm already finished with two classes, which is awesome. At the end of my Brit. Lit. final today (which was TOUGH, by the way!) my prof. asked me to come see her in her office later, so I started to freak out and tried to remember if there were assignments I had somehow missed or something, but such was not the case. She asked what year I was, and when I told her I was a sophomore, she said, "Well, what I have to say to you might then be irrelevant," and she told me that she was going to ask me to apply to the conferences that English majors can apply for but that they usually only consider juniors/seniors who have gone through the Seminar course already, which I have (obviously) not done yet. She told me that my being a sophomore only made my work more remarkable (!!!!!) and that she hoped I would keep it in mind.
And I am not using this as an outlet for bragging or anything, but this just made my day so wonderful. I know I should be over the whole worrying if I'm good enough in my major and worrying about not having any skills, but I'm not. I usually manage to put up a much more secure front than I actually have, and so this was so incredibly reassuring and wonderful for me.
I'm the same way about working at the Oracle; most of the time I just think I'm wasting their time or taking up space. Which is probably not necessarily true, but I feel so worthless around there sometimes! Then again, if I were really worthless, Graham and Manney probably wouldn't be as nice to me as they are. So maybe it's all okay.
I also had my R.A. interview yesterday. I think it went reasonably well, but now that I know they are interviewing a total of ten people for the position and two of those people are already C.A.s on campus, I'm really not expecting to get it anymore at all. But who knows, I guess it could happen, I'm just very aware that the odds aren't too much in my favor.
Truly, today has been so much better than I would have expected. I still have two papers to finish up for Lit. Theory and Ethics by Thursday, but I'm actually planning (hoping) to finish them tomorrow so that I have all day Thursday to clean up our room and to pack and such. I'm so thrilled to be going home on Thursday! I just have to remember to call Dad and tell him to bring some Christmas cookies with him for the ride home. And to pack up all my laundry and sweaters for skiing and stuff. I wasn't very excited about going skiing, and I'm still not, but maybe it will be more fun than I anticipated. Who knows, right? seems to be my phrase of the day.
Well, I've got to work and get going on those papers today as well, so I'm out for now, but I haven't been wanting to blog in ages and suddenly today was overcome with a need to write SOMETHING, anything, so at least I have this outlet. Huzzah for blogs.

is it really almost october!?

Goodness, how this month has flown by! Holy cats. I can't believe it's the last day of the month already. School is in grand swing, and things are going pretty well. I got hired the other day as the brand new Associate Editor for the Oracle, which is pretty cool because the campus paper is actually quite a good one for the most part. I'm also still busy with being HIRC secretary and still doing some NCC business, plus I'm getting sort of re-involved with Inter-Varsity and working at the Wesley Center again, so combine those things with my homework and I don't exactly have tons of free time floating around. My classes are really interesting though, for the most part, and I'm glad I'm taking them. I especially enjoy my British Lit. class and Ethics, but Lit. Theory and my "Disease and Society in International Perspectives" are going okay, too. I think. I hope.

Anywho, though, I have class later tonight (6:30) and I have to do my British Lit. as well as eat dinner before class and meet with my debate team at 5:30 before class, so I'm off for the evening.

ah, such is life.

Hey, everyone, guess what!??! I'm still at work and I'm still bored. But it's cool because I only have three more hours to be here...haha. Aaargh. Ok. New rule for this post; no more whining. I do far, far too much of it anyway.
I heard from Krystle today, which was super. Golly gosh whizzbang, I miss that girl! I don't know what to do without her. I'm like, "Hmm...I want to see a movie with Krystle!" And then I pick up the phone to call her and then I remember that she is in New York, for cryin' out loud. She called me the other night (if briefly) to excitedly tell me that she had just come within like a foot of Hugh Jackman. My jealousy, needless to say, is immense.
I have not heard from Leslie now since the last time I saw him, which was a rather awkward event that took place a couple of weeks ago...though I did hear from my roommate that he randomly stopped by our room to offer to hook up her new computer. I thought that was a bit strange and a little weird, that he knew where our room was and that he got in with his tech keys to do that. But as my mother said, if we were just friends and we had never dated, I probably wouldn't think anything of it. I countered with the argument that if we had never dated, he probably wouldn't be offering to do that for Brit in the first place. I'm probably stressing about it too much, but I can't help it. I hate to say it, but things were left so awkwardly between us that I cannot help feeling a little weirded out by what he did. Hamline, though, is a rather small campus and I suppose I ought to just get used to the idea that I'm going to have to run into him all year anyway. I just don't want to. I would rather (selfish and terrible as this is) spend my time thinking about other things. It was never as good a relationship as I thought it ought to be. I think there was seemingly so much in him that I thought I wanted or should want that I talked myself into believing it was a better, healthier relationship than it ever truly was. Shame on me. And none of that is his fault, because the problems I saw in the relationship are things he never thought of. Ironically, that's what the problem WAS- our priorities and ideas of what the relationship ought to be were so different that I now know I'm so much better off as I am. Sigh. If only I'd realized it sooner.
Hmm. Well, I guess that's not at all complaining, though it is a most melancholy post. However, I do feel better and I have whiled away another twenty minutes or so of my work shift, so 'tis a deed well done.

ho-hum...

Well, I've been at work for a grand total of...let's see...28 minutes and already I'm bored. I'm afraid it's going to be a long night, however, it's going to be my very last long night, as this is the last time I will close this office. I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, but all on day shifts, so I am nearing the finish now. I will be so glad to get back to school! I'm actually quite looking forward to most of my classes; the only one I'm a tad nervous about is my Literary Theory class because I hear the prof. is a bit of an ogre. This is most unfortunate, as I am an English major and she is the head of the department, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she will like me!
In my English-major nerdiness, I have been lately re-reading many of my classic favorites- I've been on a particularly large Jane Austen kick and have already re-read "Emma" and "Pride and Prejudice." I need most especially to re-read "Northanger Abbey" though, for I've read it only once before and if I intend to declare myself a true Jane Austen fan, I have concluded that I must be able to say that I've read all of her complete novels multiple times, and this is currently a true statement with the singular exception of "Northanger Abbey." Haha! I just re-read that paragraph, and its form and structure seem to reveal how engrossed I have been in Austen lately. It actually sounds a little pretentious, but that's okay.
I had been planning to visit St. Ben's/St. John's tomorrow but I do not now foresee that happening. I'm so busy trying to get all the rest of my things organized for going back to school that I still have quite a lot of cleaning and packing and organizing to do, and I really ought to visit my grandparents tomorrow as well. Ashley and I talked about having dinner in St. Cloud on Monday night; perhaps she can talk Caitlin and/or Jake into coming with as well...
Well, this post is getting rather long and tedious and is likely of very little interest to anyone but my own self, so off I go to do...well, something.

ain't i sweet?