I can feel the end of the year creeping up on me. Actually, it's not so much creeping as letting me know that it's approaching. It's very strange to think that in two weeks, I'll be halfway through with my college career. I should really be at the Oracle office right now, writing an editorial. But I have no good ideas. Or maybe that's an excuse and I'm just being really lazy. But no, that's not it either. I don't really feel qualified to write an editorial, to be honest. I am not a very good writer, except academically, and I don't know if I feel comfortable speaking for the Oracle staff, either. Hmm. I don't know. I am really going to have to work on my confidence issues, especially if I'm going to be a news editor next year and have people working under me. First I just have to figure out what the heck I'm doing.
My roommate has a real gift for complaining. I guess I do, too, but her stories go on and on and on. I'm like a guy on the phone right now, not really listening and saying "mm-hmm. mm-hmm." She's going on right now about some girl from her high school who she doesn't like - it was high school. I'm sorry but by now I think it's time to let most of that stuff go. Man, I HATED middle and most of high school but it's done now. I used to care so much but I just don't anymore. I have better things to worry about, I think. Which isn't to say that the way I felt at those times doesn't ever still affect me or matter to me, but I'm not hung up on it anymore. What's done is done in that respect. I should work on being a better friend, too. I am too selfish and I should work on that.
So many things to work on, so many things that suddenly seem important to be better at. For once, they're all not related to school. I've decided people skills are more important.
I'm starting to think this is actually going to be a good summer. I want to have many adventures, especially with Krystle. I want to read about a zillion books (I'm going to have to make a list and prioritize it, I think), listen to tons of new music, and be happier again. That's pretty much it. I may or may not get a second job as well. I probably ought to, but I will have to call the resort this week and see what they'll be paying me and what my hours will be. I know I'll be full-time, I just need to know which days I'll be working when and such.
Know what I hate? When people hear like ONE song by an artist that they like and then go around proclaiming "Oh, I just LOVE so-and-so!!! He's soooo amazing." When the truth is, they don't know if they like that band or guy or not because they've only heard one song, which may or may not be typical of that artist's style. I don't know what made me think of that. But I don't like it.
Last night I went to the Fulcrum release party/reading/whatever thing with Brian and Sean. It was a pretty good time; the snacks and coffee were good and I really enjoyed seeing some people. Like Lauren, who's always fun to see, and the Huellers, and Anne Claussen and Caro. They're all such nice people and are so fun and relaxing to talk with. I really enjoyed seeing them and having some good old-fashioned English major nerd conversation.
Anyway. I should get going and finish packing up some stuff. My parents had to go to Des Moines last night so they dropped off some boxes for me to pack up a bunch of my stuff and I'm almost done. It's weird, starting to pack up and knowing that I'll leave this little room in Manor. I find that I'm strangely attached to room 105. It's been my home for a year of more turbulence and ups and downs than any other that I have known, I think. And on that note, I'm off to pack up some more stuff.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Thursday, May 05, 2005
supremely emo poetry and thoughts
Last night at the awards gala, it was mistakenly announced that I had worked for the Oracle since my freshman year. I chuckled at the typical Hamline-esque error at the time, now I can't help but think how I wish that were true. I would've had that much more time with Graham, and Brian. And especially Manney, my memories of whom I know frantically try to keep close in fear of losing them. I snatch at them like so many Girl Scout cookies in front of me. That was a pretty poor reference. Oh well.
Allan and I are throwing notes back and forth. It's fun, but it was more fun when Mel was involved and they were all written on Post-its. I'm going to miss these people this summer. I wish so much I'd gotten to know them earlier.
I have a 5-page draft of a paper due for Shakespeare, and for some reason that is unfathomable even to me, I'm writing it on "The Tempest." And about Caliban. I've read and done more work on this play than any of Shakespeare's plays and I'm more sick of it than any other play, but here I am, writing more about it because I'm insane that way. It should be a decent paper, anyway, so long as I can spit out a draft tonight.
I saw Kari Fangel this morning. We talked about Manney and it was nice to be able to talk to another person (outside the world of the Oracle) who really understands how stupid and trivial the things that are important to others seem to me right now. She said that on that last day, he was happy and they'd done some shopping and he made plans for the next year and was excited at the prospect of perhaps returning to Germany eventually. In a way, I'm glad that he seemed happy that day. But on the other hand, it makes it even harder for me to understand why he did what he did. And I don't think there is any way for me to understand, and on some logical level I really, truly know that. But another part of me finds it impossible for me not to strain to make some sense of this and to try to understand how this happened. Because Manney, I still can't sleep at night. and random memories of you keep throwing themselves in my way every time I think I might be approaching a moment of normalcy. I've started lying to my mom because she wanted me to go see a doctor about not sleeping well, but I know it would be pointless. Besides which, I'm still functioning and operating. I'll be ok eventually and I'll just be tired in the meantime.
Well so much for not sounding emo. Speaking of which, Allan and I are writing the most ridiculously emo poem together, line by line, on a sheet of paper that we're throwing across the room like it's a note and we're in 7th grade. It's a somewhat morbid way to pass the time, but it fills it. I shall post it here for laughs:
my eyelids are like the petals of a dying flower
i feel my inner self turn and wilt
i am a sea of despair
let me engulf your shores
...i die
my grave is like a flowerbed in winter
frozen, cold, and lifeless
yet even in this grave, almost as shallow as my still-beating heart,
i find no rest
for it is only my soul that is barren and dead
my body goes through the motions of life as a zombie
hungering for other minds who understand this endless torment called life
no one can ever understand as i waste away
i feel my self-imposed solitary confinement create a vast gulf between myself and this earth as i wander it alone
its distance is now too great to bridge
my lonely exodus only magnifies this solitude, as ghosts pretending to be people
both surround and push me towards madness greater than any has ever known
the ghosts surround me now, pulling me down...
down...
into the abyss
never to be heard from again
as the last petal
falls
Allan and I are throwing notes back and forth. It's fun, but it was more fun when Mel was involved and they were all written on Post-its. I'm going to miss these people this summer. I wish so much I'd gotten to know them earlier.
I have a 5-page draft of a paper due for Shakespeare, and for some reason that is unfathomable even to me, I'm writing it on "The Tempest." And about Caliban. I've read and done more work on this play than any of Shakespeare's plays and I'm more sick of it than any other play, but here I am, writing more about it because I'm insane that way. It should be a decent paper, anyway, so long as I can spit out a draft tonight.
I saw Kari Fangel this morning. We talked about Manney and it was nice to be able to talk to another person (outside the world of the Oracle) who really understands how stupid and trivial the things that are important to others seem to me right now. She said that on that last day, he was happy and they'd done some shopping and he made plans for the next year and was excited at the prospect of perhaps returning to Germany eventually. In a way, I'm glad that he seemed happy that day. But on the other hand, it makes it even harder for me to understand why he did what he did. And I don't think there is any way for me to understand, and on some logical level I really, truly know that. But another part of me finds it impossible for me not to strain to make some sense of this and to try to understand how this happened. Because Manney, I still can't sleep at night. and random memories of you keep throwing themselves in my way every time I think I might be approaching a moment of normalcy. I've started lying to my mom because she wanted me to go see a doctor about not sleeping well, but I know it would be pointless. Besides which, I'm still functioning and operating. I'll be ok eventually and I'll just be tired in the meantime.
Well so much for not sounding emo. Speaking of which, Allan and I are writing the most ridiculously emo poem together, line by line, on a sheet of paper that we're throwing across the room like it's a note and we're in 7th grade. It's a somewhat morbid way to pass the time, but it fills it. I shall post it here for laughs:
my eyelids are like the petals of a dying flower
i feel my inner self turn and wilt
i am a sea of despair
let me engulf your shores
...i die
my grave is like a flowerbed in winter
frozen, cold, and lifeless
yet even in this grave, almost as shallow as my still-beating heart,
i find no rest
for it is only my soul that is barren and dead
my body goes through the motions of life as a zombie
hungering for other minds who understand this endless torment called life
no one can ever understand as i waste away
i feel my self-imposed solitary confinement create a vast gulf between myself and this earth as i wander it alone
its distance is now too great to bridge
my lonely exodus only magnifies this solitude, as ghosts pretending to be people
both surround and push me towards madness greater than any has ever known
the ghosts surround me now, pulling me down...
down...
into the abyss
never to be heard from again
as the last petal
falls
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
a small addition
i realized today that i've been getting my only hugs lately from malin. and while she gives excellent hugs, i'm pretty sure i need more of them. even if i seem somewhat hostile or shut off to all but myself, please hug me if you see me. i need them.
long day's journey into night
...and the emo subject titles continue.
I'm so tired. Not physically, really; I've actually been sleeping pretty decently in recent times. But I feel drained inside all the time. And I go around with myself pulled together - teeth brushed, makeup done, hair blow-dried, smile on my face - but I feel like such a fake for looking ok and normal when inside I'm still feeling messed up. But at this point I would also feel like if I went around with greasy hair and dishevelled appearance that I would just be asking for sympathy, which would be totally lame. I know Manney isn't coming back. But I can't seem to quite wrap my head around the fact that he's never going to come back through the doors of the Oracle office, wearing his funny sweater with his rumpled hair, with a smirk on his face and his knowing blue eyes mocking someone as he laughs at them. I can't understand that I'm never going to see him again. I wish I had done more to let him know how much I respected him and how much I appreciated what he wrote and thought and did. And now it's too late and i'll never be able to. I'm pretty sure I've said that somewhere else before. But there it is.
It turns out that not caring about my schoolwork is going okay. I threw my presentation for Philosophy together last night and I think it went reasonably well. I just have to type up some notes (which will be easy since I have a ton of passages marked) and turn them in and I'm basically done for that class then. And for my Shakespeare class, I just have to draft my 5-page paper, and for physics...well, I suck at physics but I don't actually have anything due until next week when I have nothing else going on anyway so I couldn't care less. And Crossing Borders? Please don't get me started.
I think it would be unfair to say that Manney's death has left me without the motivation to do schoolwork because that would be using him as an excuse. It's just that in the light of such enormous tragedy and sadness, schoolwork seems so not important right now.
Just being with people and forming relationships and letting people know how much I love them and how much they mean to me seems to be the only thing of real import right now. I'm a little sad for myself because now that the year's almost over, I'm just beginning to make some real connections with people and then I'll go home for the summer and then study abroad and when I get back, all those people will probably not be too interested in being my friend anymore and that makes me sad.
I wish I had managed to make myself make more friends earlier instead of always holding back. My thing has always been that if I just hold back and never quite tell people what's on my mind that I don't stand any chance of getting hurt. And while I guess that's true, it now seems like a really selfish and stupid way to go through life. I can't believe it's taken me twenty years to get to this poing and finally realize that putting myself out there is actually worth it in the long run. Geez I'm a loser. I just never used to believe that I was worth liking or loving. That sounds incredibly trite and cliche but is oh-so-true. Even up until a few months ago, I think I often really felt like I wasn't worth loving at all and that thought scares me now because I'm suddenly realizing how incredibly important it is to love and be loved and how much everyone deserves that. So yeah. Wow. I guess that's where I am. I've come a long way.
God is good. And He's teaching me a lot of things even though they sort of freak me out and even though they confuse me and I don't know what to do with some of my thoughts and feelings, I know that somehow even the most stupid of situations in my life will somehow work out. There's one situation inparticular that I really wish I knew how to resolve but I'm so lost in it that I'll just have to keep on thinking and praying and wondering until I figure it out.
I should be working on a rough draft of my Shakespeare paper. Or at least coming up with a topic, but that seems to be too complicated for me to handle tonight. I'd like to write something on Bianca in "The Taming of the Shrew" but there is like nothing written on her and coming up with all of it myself again would simply be too much effort. I just want to find an article to refute about someone in one of the plays we've read. Is that so much to ask?
I'm amazed at how antagonistic I can be lately. I feel so badly for my roommate but not badly enough to stop myself from being uncontrollably cranky when I get back to the room every night. I don't know if it's just somehow become a negative space for me or what, but I can hardly stand being in here if I'm not just facing away from everything with headphones on. Music is my current escape and it's working for me. It's hard for me to be with people who aren't like Oracle people right now, which is ridiculous and crazy and stupid, but that's the way it's been going. I'm half looking forward to summer immensely and half dreading it.
On the brighter side, I think I have gotten an internship for next spring already. I'm still waiting for the final phone call to confirm it, but odds are looking quite good that I'll be an intern at the Capitol next year, which would definitely be interesting.
That's all I've got tonight. I'm out.
I'm so tired. Not physically, really; I've actually been sleeping pretty decently in recent times. But I feel drained inside all the time. And I go around with myself pulled together - teeth brushed, makeup done, hair blow-dried, smile on my face - but I feel like such a fake for looking ok and normal when inside I'm still feeling messed up. But at this point I would also feel like if I went around with greasy hair and dishevelled appearance that I would just be asking for sympathy, which would be totally lame. I know Manney isn't coming back. But I can't seem to quite wrap my head around the fact that he's never going to come back through the doors of the Oracle office, wearing his funny sweater with his rumpled hair, with a smirk on his face and his knowing blue eyes mocking someone as he laughs at them. I can't understand that I'm never going to see him again. I wish I had done more to let him know how much I respected him and how much I appreciated what he wrote and thought and did. And now it's too late and i'll never be able to. I'm pretty sure I've said that somewhere else before. But there it is.
It turns out that not caring about my schoolwork is going okay. I threw my presentation for Philosophy together last night and I think it went reasonably well. I just have to type up some notes (which will be easy since I have a ton of passages marked) and turn them in and I'm basically done for that class then. And for my Shakespeare class, I just have to draft my 5-page paper, and for physics...well, I suck at physics but I don't actually have anything due until next week when I have nothing else going on anyway so I couldn't care less. And Crossing Borders? Please don't get me started.
I think it would be unfair to say that Manney's death has left me without the motivation to do schoolwork because that would be using him as an excuse. It's just that in the light of such enormous tragedy and sadness, schoolwork seems so not important right now.
Just being with people and forming relationships and letting people know how much I love them and how much they mean to me seems to be the only thing of real import right now. I'm a little sad for myself because now that the year's almost over, I'm just beginning to make some real connections with people and then I'll go home for the summer and then study abroad and when I get back, all those people will probably not be too interested in being my friend anymore and that makes me sad.
I wish I had managed to make myself make more friends earlier instead of always holding back. My thing has always been that if I just hold back and never quite tell people what's on my mind that I don't stand any chance of getting hurt. And while I guess that's true, it now seems like a really selfish and stupid way to go through life. I can't believe it's taken me twenty years to get to this poing and finally realize that putting myself out there is actually worth it in the long run. Geez I'm a loser. I just never used to believe that I was worth liking or loving. That sounds incredibly trite and cliche but is oh-so-true. Even up until a few months ago, I think I often really felt like I wasn't worth loving at all and that thought scares me now because I'm suddenly realizing how incredibly important it is to love and be loved and how much everyone deserves that. So yeah. Wow. I guess that's where I am. I've come a long way.
God is good. And He's teaching me a lot of things even though they sort of freak me out and even though they confuse me and I don't know what to do with some of my thoughts and feelings, I know that somehow even the most stupid of situations in my life will somehow work out. There's one situation inparticular that I really wish I knew how to resolve but I'm so lost in it that I'll just have to keep on thinking and praying and wondering until I figure it out.
I should be working on a rough draft of my Shakespeare paper. Or at least coming up with a topic, but that seems to be too complicated for me to handle tonight. I'd like to write something on Bianca in "The Taming of the Shrew" but there is like nothing written on her and coming up with all of it myself again would simply be too much effort. I just want to find an article to refute about someone in one of the plays we've read. Is that so much to ask?
I'm amazed at how antagonistic I can be lately. I feel so badly for my roommate but not badly enough to stop myself from being uncontrollably cranky when I get back to the room every night. I don't know if it's just somehow become a negative space for me or what, but I can hardly stand being in here if I'm not just facing away from everything with headphones on. Music is my current escape and it's working for me. It's hard for me to be with people who aren't like Oracle people right now, which is ridiculous and crazy and stupid, but that's the way it's been going. I'm half looking forward to summer immensely and half dreading it.
On the brighter side, I think I have gotten an internship for next spring already. I'm still waiting for the final phone call to confirm it, but odds are looking quite good that I'll be an intern at the Capitol next year, which would definitely be interesting.
That's all I've got tonight. I'm out.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
sigh
Haha. I just realized that many of my titles for blog posts (and indeed, many of my posts themselves) are so emo. But I'm an emo sort of girl, and it can't be helped, even though I would love to be way cooler than that. I'm afraid my lot in life has never been to be cool. Haha, not even close. I'm growing to embrace the concept that I'm going to be an emo nerd forever though.
Some people have blogs that are really introspective and thought-provoking and stimulating. I'm also not one of those people. My blog space is used primarily for sort of my free-writing. It's the only time that I write without actually really thinking about or analyizing my life or what's in it or what I'm thinking about. I just stumble over my words until my head is clearer and I let it go at that. It's a way for me to begin to sort out my thoughts without actually organizing them. I think it works because I can type fast enough to somewhat keep up with my random thoughts. When I write in my actual journal, I become much more introspective because I really ponder what it is that I'm writing but here I just have meaningless words flying across the page.
It's been a rough weekend. Manney's memorial service was on Saturday and I was surprised at how much I cried that day. I thought I had cried enough during the week to be able to hold myself together but I pretty much failed. I was so incredibly grateful for my few friends in attendance, especially Malin. I was relieved to have her at my house Friday night and incredibly comforted to have her by my side, feeling awkward along with me on Saturday. I can't even begin to explain how I felt for Graham and Manney's family. And I started thinking of all the things Manney would never get to do and it made me impossibly sad.
I then went to visit my grandparents, since Brian was kind enough to drop me off at their nursing home. My grandpa keeps talking about moving back to the lake and it worries me incredibly because after his stroke last summer, there's no way for him to live by himself and he refuses to see it. Then my parents told me that my aunt Robbie has pancreatic cancer (again). She had it once before and it miraculously went away but now it's back and I'm worried. She's had so many health problems over the years that I can't help wonder how long her body is going to hold out for. It's so unfair. She's such an amazing person, filled with grace and love and she's had such a hard life. Yet, if you asked her, she'd tell you how blessed she is. I am in awe of her.
And then lastly, I had to say my goodbyes to Joe who will be moving to Brazil soon. I can't even say much about that except that it sucked. I don't know when I'll ever see him again and I don't know what I'll ever do without him here.
So yeah. Not the best weekend. Now that I'm sure I've sufficiently depressed everyone, I'll be going.
Some people have blogs that are really introspective and thought-provoking and stimulating. I'm also not one of those people. My blog space is used primarily for sort of my free-writing. It's the only time that I write without actually really thinking about or analyizing my life or what's in it or what I'm thinking about. I just stumble over my words until my head is clearer and I let it go at that. It's a way for me to begin to sort out my thoughts without actually organizing them. I think it works because I can type fast enough to somewhat keep up with my random thoughts. When I write in my actual journal, I become much more introspective because I really ponder what it is that I'm writing but here I just have meaningless words flying across the page.
It's been a rough weekend. Manney's memorial service was on Saturday and I was surprised at how much I cried that day. I thought I had cried enough during the week to be able to hold myself together but I pretty much failed. I was so incredibly grateful for my few friends in attendance, especially Malin. I was relieved to have her at my house Friday night and incredibly comforted to have her by my side, feeling awkward along with me on Saturday. I can't even begin to explain how I felt for Graham and Manney's family. And I started thinking of all the things Manney would never get to do and it made me impossibly sad.
I then went to visit my grandparents, since Brian was kind enough to drop me off at their nursing home. My grandpa keeps talking about moving back to the lake and it worries me incredibly because after his stroke last summer, there's no way for him to live by himself and he refuses to see it. Then my parents told me that my aunt Robbie has pancreatic cancer (again). She had it once before and it miraculously went away but now it's back and I'm worried. She's had so many health problems over the years that I can't help wonder how long her body is going to hold out for. It's so unfair. She's such an amazing person, filled with grace and love and she's had such a hard life. Yet, if you asked her, she'd tell you how blessed she is. I am in awe of her.
And then lastly, I had to say my goodbyes to Joe who will be moving to Brazil soon. I can't even say much about that except that it sucked. I don't know when I'll ever see him again and I don't know what I'll ever do without him here.
So yeah. Not the best weekend. Now that I'm sure I've sufficiently depressed everyone, I'll be going.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
weirdness
I'm sitting here alone in the Oracle office. It's strange, I wouldn't have thought that I would want to be here by myself (actually I didn't think that I WOULD be here by myself; I was surprised that no one else was around) but now that I'm here I'm finding it hard to want to leave really. There's something bizarrely comforting to me about being here.
Part of me almost feels guilty for having such a hard time with Manney's death. We certainly weren't best friends or anything, but I always enjoyed talking with him and hanging out with him and knowing that I'm never going to see his blue eyes or hear him "choking on his soul" as he laughs leaves me empty. And the thing is, I know that I'll eventually reach a point where I'm okay. But right now I feel like my soul is just weighed down with darkness and grief, and for some reason part of me feels like I somehow don't DESERVE to feel that or something...which I know is a strange thought. I feel like I'm somehow using his death for an excuse for why I can't seem to focus on my homework long enough to accomplish anything or why I can barely drag myself to shower or to class in the morning, and that makes me feel a little guilty, like I somehow don't have the right to grieve this way, which on one level seems ridiculous to me and on the other, I can't seem to stop thinking it. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I don't know. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow wrong in how I feel, even though it's how I feel. That makes no sense, even to me.
I'm so glad to be out of my dorm room. I was getting spring fever before but now being stuck in that small messy space I feel like I can scarcely breathe. I shouldn't have listened to Dashboard earlier today; "breathing is a foreign task and thinking's just to much to ask" has been resounding in my head all day long since then. The whole song "The Brilliant Dance" has actually been an incredibly good one for how I've been feeling lately though. "the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep" is the perfect way to describe the way in which I've been unable to sleep or do much of anything the last couple of days.
I don't know. Maybe I'm starting to lose it. It's totally possible. Part of me doesn't even want to go to bed at all because it feels like a constant struggle to get my mind calm enough to even attempt to sleep. So many thoughts and ideas and memories and regrets go flashing through my brain when I let it stop for any extended period of time that I feel like everything running around in my head is constantly searching for a way out that doesn't exist. And so it just keeps running, running, running, looking for the outlet that was never installed.
I'm going to go try to do some more reading for my philosophy project. I can't not be doing something.
Part of me almost feels guilty for having such a hard time with Manney's death. We certainly weren't best friends or anything, but I always enjoyed talking with him and hanging out with him and knowing that I'm never going to see his blue eyes or hear him "choking on his soul" as he laughs leaves me empty. And the thing is, I know that I'll eventually reach a point where I'm okay. But right now I feel like my soul is just weighed down with darkness and grief, and for some reason part of me feels like I somehow don't DESERVE to feel that or something...which I know is a strange thought. I feel like I'm somehow using his death for an excuse for why I can't seem to focus on my homework long enough to accomplish anything or why I can barely drag myself to shower or to class in the morning, and that makes me feel a little guilty, like I somehow don't have the right to grieve this way, which on one level seems ridiculous to me and on the other, I can't seem to stop thinking it. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I don't know. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow wrong in how I feel, even though it's how I feel. That makes no sense, even to me.
I'm so glad to be out of my dorm room. I was getting spring fever before but now being stuck in that small messy space I feel like I can scarcely breathe. I shouldn't have listened to Dashboard earlier today; "breathing is a foreign task and thinking's just to much to ask" has been resounding in my head all day long since then. The whole song "The Brilliant Dance" has actually been an incredibly good one for how I've been feeling lately though. "the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep" is the perfect way to describe the way in which I've been unable to sleep or do much of anything the last couple of days.
I don't know. Maybe I'm starting to lose it. It's totally possible. Part of me doesn't even want to go to bed at all because it feels like a constant struggle to get my mind calm enough to even attempt to sleep. So many thoughts and ideas and memories and regrets go flashing through my brain when I let it stop for any extended period of time that I feel like everything running around in my head is constantly searching for a way out that doesn't exist. And so it just keeps running, running, running, looking for the outlet that was never installed.
I'm going to go try to do some more reading for my philosophy project. I can't not be doing something.
insomniac
I'm having so much trouble sleeping. Joe yelled at me to get to bed last night around 1 or 1:30, I think, and I went to bed but didn't fall asleep until about 2:30. Then I woke up at 5. And I kinda dozed on and off after that but no real sleeping took place. I'm so tired I divided 84 by 2 and got 41 in my physics lab today. Definitely not a good sign. And the thing is, I know that I'm going to be totally fine and I'm a lot more worried about other people than about myself, by far, but I can't sleep. Apparently it's a common thing; Mal and Mel and Ciara haven't really been able to either.
Everyone is being amazing though. I am so incredibly blessed with just the very best friends a girl could ever ask for. And they've all been so wonderfully supportive and helpful and I just love you all so much, if you're reading this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Now I do have to go to work today because I didn't yesterday and I know there's stuff waiting for me, but I hope everyone has a good day.
I'm at work now, tranferring this post from myspace to this blog, and my eye-hand coordination is definitely suffering as well. Typing is much harder than it has any right to be. I'm trying to type up some stuff for my boss and on a normal day I would be finished with it already. Bah. I hope I can sleep tonight.
Everyone is being amazing though. I am so incredibly blessed with just the very best friends a girl could ever ask for. And they've all been so wonderfully supportive and helpful and I just love you all so much, if you're reading this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Now I do have to go to work today because I didn't yesterday and I know there's stuff waiting for me, but I hope everyone has a good day.
I'm at work now, tranferring this post from myspace to this blog, and my eye-hand coordination is definitely suffering as well. Typing is much harder than it has any right to be. I'm trying to type up some stuff for my boss and on a normal day I would be finished with it already. Bah. I hope I can sleep tonight.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
bad
things are very bad right now. a friend of mine who i worked with and had classes with and was supposed to hang out with this summer died this weekend. it's just a horrible situation from every angle. and i don't want to go into any details here because it seems like it would be somehow wrong to do that. but right now i'm just incredibly, incredibly sad and worried for others and overcome with the horribleness of it all, and i'm writing it here so that i have to explain some of it to fewer people and also just so that i can ask everyone to please be praying not just for me but more importantly for everyone involved in the situation, especially his family. it's just so very very sad and that's all i can say at all right now. god bless everyone.
Friday, April 22, 2005
crap
Crap, crap, crap. I hate worrying about my friends and I hate it when there is nothing I can do to make them feel better and I am totally useless. HATE it. One of my friends is not doing so well tonight and I would kill to be able to make things better but there is nothing I can do except perhaps try to visit this friend but that would be very tricky indeed. It might be possible, but I doubt they would want me to do it because it wouldn't be the cheapest thing I ever did. I wouldn't miss class though and I might be able to pull it off if I'm really lucky.
I realize this is totally vague but tonight that is kind of the point, I'm afraid. No naming of names and no details whatsoever, I'm just so incredibly upset that I can't know how to help. I have this sort of complex where I can't help wanting to always protect and take care of and fix things for the people I really love and care about and I just hate it when things go rotten. That's all I have for tonight; pretty unhappy I know, but I can't think of anything else significant right now. Blechh.
I realize this is totally vague but tonight that is kind of the point, I'm afraid. No naming of names and no details whatsoever, I'm just so incredibly upset that I can't know how to help. I have this sort of complex where I can't help wanting to always protect and take care of and fix things for the people I really love and care about and I just hate it when things go rotten. That's all I have for tonight; pretty unhappy I know, but I can't think of anything else significant right now. Blechh.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
sleeepy
Well I'm tired and I don't have a ton of time. But today was a pretty darn good day, as my days go. It was busy but I didn't have homework to work on tonight, and we actually had a pretty good time at our HIRC meeting making random cracks about different orders of business.
I also blushed for like an hour after getting a nice comment on my myspace account. I know, I know, myspace is kinda lame and junior-high-ish, but it's a GREAT way to hook up with new bands and music and stuff. Anyway, so the story goes that I posted a more recent picture of myself with my bangs and I have what I perceive to be extremely chipmunk-like cheeks in the picture. Well, a band for which I know one of the guys in posted a comment about the picture saying, "I have seen this hair walking around campus...and I will admit that I wonder if Hamline paid you for campus beautification. You should check in on that and see if you can make a buck or two in the process... : )" And even though it was corny and I'm not at all feeling all egotistic about this, it was such a nice thing to be said and raised my spirits for the entire day. Maybe it's sad that I feel I need such validation in any way, but when your self-esteem is where mine is, hey, every little bit helps.
Tomorrow is my last day of classes for this week- yay! Friday I'll be at a symposium with Lauren, which should be a pretty decent time and I won't be in Shakespeare or Physics, which will be nice. Of course, I still have my lab tomorrow, which I HATE, but oh well. What can a girl do?
Anyway, this is relatively short but I'm super tired. And Brit and I watched "Psycho" tonight and it has me a little creeped out yet so I think I'm going to take some sleeping aid pills just to make sure I make it all the way through the night. Yes, I KNOW I am a huge wimp, but I don't do suspense well at ALL. I'm proud of myself for actually watching the entire film and all the other Hitchcock we've been taking in lately. At least I'm making the effort.
Right. So. Bed's a-calling my name so off I go. Good night!
I also blushed for like an hour after getting a nice comment on my myspace account. I know, I know, myspace is kinda lame and junior-high-ish, but it's a GREAT way to hook up with new bands and music and stuff. Anyway, so the story goes that I posted a more recent picture of myself with my bangs and I have what I perceive to be extremely chipmunk-like cheeks in the picture. Well, a band for which I know one of the guys in posted a comment about the picture saying, "I have seen this hair walking around campus...and I will admit that I wonder if Hamline paid you for campus beautification. You should check in on that and see if you can make a buck or two in the process... : )" And even though it was corny and I'm not at all feeling all egotistic about this, it was such a nice thing to be said and raised my spirits for the entire day. Maybe it's sad that I feel I need such validation in any way, but when your self-esteem is where mine is, hey, every little bit helps.
Tomorrow is my last day of classes for this week- yay! Friday I'll be at a symposium with Lauren, which should be a pretty decent time and I won't be in Shakespeare or Physics, which will be nice. Of course, I still have my lab tomorrow, which I HATE, but oh well. What can a girl do?
Anyway, this is relatively short but I'm super tired. And Brit and I watched "Psycho" tonight and it has me a little creeped out yet so I think I'm going to take some sleeping aid pills just to make sure I make it all the way through the night. Yes, I KNOW I am a huge wimp, but I don't do suspense well at ALL. I'm proud of myself for actually watching the entire film and all the other Hitchcock we've been taking in lately. At least I'm making the effort.
Right. So. Bed's a-calling my name so off I go. Good night!
Monday, April 18, 2005
something stinks like a dirty rat on a wet day
Shoot. Darn, darn, darn. I just KNEW my incredibly good mood that I had experienced the last couple of days was too good to last. And now I'm back in a deeper funk than I was before, feeling more confused and unsure of myself on so many levels than I had thought I would. Grrr. And the worst part is that I can remember how happy I felt just yesterday afternoon, and then yesterday evening, gloom descended and I haven't quite been able to shake it since then.
My roommate is making me more and more crazy as the days go by. From being out in the sun yesterday and today I got a little bit pink. No serious burn at all, but just pinkish. And then today, she's poking my back where it's red and telling me how dumb I am to be burnt. Well, I wore sunscreen and I was outside TRYING to help HER with our physics, to little avail. And it just annoyed me that she was telling me it was unsafe to be a little sunburnt or whatever. It's not like I was aiming for pink. When I say I want my normally-pasty skin to have more color, what I usually mean is something in a light tan range, not from the pinks. And she tells me this, she who bikes all over St. Paul without wearing a helmet because "it makes her head too hot"? Ha. Whatevah.
I'm a little lonely today. Dangit I hate that about college. I love my profs, my classes, and all the awesome people around campus who I hang out with and talk to but it's so rare for me to find a person I can genuinely connect with and talk to about random nothings as well as serious topics and I really, really miss that lately. I don't have anyone to really truly TALK to here, and I think that's a big part of my melancholia tonight.
I wish I knew better how to make friends and gauge what people think of me. I'm always convinced that people think I'm just some dumb nutbag who they put up with out of charity rather than truly like. And that's probably actually really narcississtic of me, thinking that I weigh that much on other people's minds, but I've had something of a self-confidence crisis for as long as I can remember, just about. I wonder to myself, who ARE these unbelievable people who can just go up to other people and start talking to them without worrying about how they feel ugly or fat or worrying about their hair or clothes look or if they'll say the wrong thing or drop their bag or their sunglasses will fall off their heads or whatever? How does a person get to feel good enough about themselves to believe that they're worthy of friendship and love and trust? How does that happen, because I don't get it.
And how does a person know, really truly for sure KNOW when something is right or wrong for them? I don't want to get too specific here, but there's just some things that I've been doing so much thinking and praying about lately, to no end, and I still don't feel like I'm reaching any place of coherence or clarity. And I don't know if I should talk to someone else about these thoughts or if I should just continue working and thinking and praying and hoping that some kind of answer will eventually arrive...unless I've already gotten one and I'm just too dense to understand it one way or the other, or...arrgh. I don't even know what I'm saying on this subject anymore, so I'm giving up for tonight.
Anyway, this is a pretty heavy post now, I guess, but it felt good to just type for a few minutes without actually thinking about what I'm typing and just letting words and sentences fall out, even if some of them don't make much sense. I may go back to edit later, but for now I'm just going to let my random nothings sit as they have fallen. So. Yeah. 'Night.
My roommate is making me more and more crazy as the days go by. From being out in the sun yesterday and today I got a little bit pink. No serious burn at all, but just pinkish. And then today, she's poking my back where it's red and telling me how dumb I am to be burnt. Well, I wore sunscreen and I was outside TRYING to help HER with our physics, to little avail. And it just annoyed me that she was telling me it was unsafe to be a little sunburnt or whatever. It's not like I was aiming for pink. When I say I want my normally-pasty skin to have more color, what I usually mean is something in a light tan range, not from the pinks. And she tells me this, she who bikes all over St. Paul without wearing a helmet because "it makes her head too hot"? Ha. Whatevah.
I'm a little lonely today. Dangit I hate that about college. I love my profs, my classes, and all the awesome people around campus who I hang out with and talk to but it's so rare for me to find a person I can genuinely connect with and talk to about random nothings as well as serious topics and I really, really miss that lately. I don't have anyone to really truly TALK to here, and I think that's a big part of my melancholia tonight.
I wish I knew better how to make friends and gauge what people think of me. I'm always convinced that people think I'm just some dumb nutbag who they put up with out of charity rather than truly like. And that's probably actually really narcississtic of me, thinking that I weigh that much on other people's minds, but I've had something of a self-confidence crisis for as long as I can remember, just about. I wonder to myself, who ARE these unbelievable people who can just go up to other people and start talking to them without worrying about how they feel ugly or fat or worrying about their hair or clothes look or if they'll say the wrong thing or drop their bag or their sunglasses will fall off their heads or whatever? How does a person get to feel good enough about themselves to believe that they're worthy of friendship and love and trust? How does that happen, because I don't get it.
And how does a person know, really truly for sure KNOW when something is right or wrong for them? I don't want to get too specific here, but there's just some things that I've been doing so much thinking and praying about lately, to no end, and I still don't feel like I'm reaching any place of coherence or clarity. And I don't know if I should talk to someone else about these thoughts or if I should just continue working and thinking and praying and hoping that some kind of answer will eventually arrive...unless I've already gotten one and I'm just too dense to understand it one way or the other, or...arrgh. I don't even know what I'm saying on this subject anymore, so I'm giving up for tonight.
Anyway, this is a pretty heavy post now, I guess, but it felt good to just type for a few minutes without actually thinking about what I'm typing and just letting words and sentences fall out, even if some of them don't make much sense. I may go back to edit later, but for now I'm just going to let my random nothings sit as they have fallen. So. Yeah. 'Night.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
hmmm
My computer is weirdly slow this morning. I hope it doesn't have anything to do with my letting my roommate use it because hers is getting repaired. I don't think it should, because I don't think she's opened any stupid attachments or anything like that, but it makes me a little nervous. I know she would never intentionally do anything, but she doesn't know the most about computers and hers is getting repaired because she somehow got a virus on hers, so I'm not 100% comfortable with her using mine all the time, if that makes sense.
A good weekend. My mom came to see me on Friday and we got to chill in a hotel room (a VERY welcome change from my dorm room, I might add) and then yesterday we went and watched some state speech. Anton and Bernadette were both AMAZING. Anton did Allen Ginsberg's "America," which is one of my favorite poems ever, and he did an awesome job with it, and Bernadette got to sing in her prose piece (which gave her a slightly unfair advantage :) and was lovely as always. Jake Scott's creative rocked as well, though I don't know what was up with creative at state this year. I usually love watching creative at state, but this year I only thought three speeches were genuinely good. Very strange. I also got to see Mary, for about five minutes, which was also great. I wish we could've stayed longer, but Mom had to drive home still, so we didn't stick around for awards or anything.
Today I think I'm going to spend the afternoon outside, as long as the weather stays nice, and just do some reading. I don't have much homework to get done today; re-reading "A Midsummer Night's Dream" is about it. I should do some research for my Philosophy project, too.
For my Philosophy of Art class' final project, we're all supposed to pick an art form and look at it from the perspective of at least two theorists. Being the genius I am, I decided to "challenge myself" by examining the narrative structure. Why couldn't I have just picked, oh, I don't know, oil paintings or something? This project, I am realizing, is going to take a lot more time than I had originally anticipated. But I guess it should at least be interesting.
Oh yeah. I should mention that my renewed interest in posting has stemmed from Adam's comments and conversations with him. I promised him I would make a definite mention of him in my next post, as he felt hurt that my last post failed to mention his influence, so here it is. I post for Adam. Happy now?
Yeah, ok. My computer is DEFINITELY slower this morning...and that makes me nervous! It's taking iTunes forever just to let me listen to clips. I think I should run some of my anti-spyware and antivirus software now, just in case, so I'm going to go do that. It's entirely possible that I'm just paranoid (always a good bet in my case), but better to be safe than sorry in most instances.
Although in some cases, I think being safe is what makes a person wind up feeling sorry, at least I know it's true in my case for a couple of instances. But that's a whole other saga that will have to be saved for another day. Or probably never, because chances of my spilling that stuff to the world are pretty much slim to none. Anyway. Yeah. I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball, to borrow a phrase.
A good weekend. My mom came to see me on Friday and we got to chill in a hotel room (a VERY welcome change from my dorm room, I might add) and then yesterday we went and watched some state speech. Anton and Bernadette were both AMAZING. Anton did Allen Ginsberg's "America," which is one of my favorite poems ever, and he did an awesome job with it, and Bernadette got to sing in her prose piece (which gave her a slightly unfair advantage :) and was lovely as always. Jake Scott's creative rocked as well, though I don't know what was up with creative at state this year. I usually love watching creative at state, but this year I only thought three speeches were genuinely good. Very strange. I also got to see Mary, for about five minutes, which was also great. I wish we could've stayed longer, but Mom had to drive home still, so we didn't stick around for awards or anything.
Today I think I'm going to spend the afternoon outside, as long as the weather stays nice, and just do some reading. I don't have much homework to get done today; re-reading "A Midsummer Night's Dream" is about it. I should do some research for my Philosophy project, too.
For my Philosophy of Art class' final project, we're all supposed to pick an art form and look at it from the perspective of at least two theorists. Being the genius I am, I decided to "challenge myself" by examining the narrative structure. Why couldn't I have just picked, oh, I don't know, oil paintings or something? This project, I am realizing, is going to take a lot more time than I had originally anticipated. But I guess it should at least be interesting.
Oh yeah. I should mention that my renewed interest in posting has stemmed from Adam's comments and conversations with him. I promised him I would make a definite mention of him in my next post, as he felt hurt that my last post failed to mention his influence, so here it is. I post for Adam. Happy now?
Yeah, ok. My computer is DEFINITELY slower this morning...and that makes me nervous! It's taking iTunes forever just to let me listen to clips. I think I should run some of my anti-spyware and antivirus software now, just in case, so I'm going to go do that. It's entirely possible that I'm just paranoid (always a good bet in my case), but better to be safe than sorry in most instances.
Although in some cases, I think being safe is what makes a person wind up feeling sorry, at least I know it's true in my case for a couple of instances. But that's a whole other saga that will have to be saved for another day. Or probably never, because chances of my spilling that stuff to the world are pretty much slim to none. Anyway. Yeah. I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball, to borrow a phrase.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
turnaround
I woke up crabby this morning only to find that it was impossible to stay so. Today was a rare and amazing day, in which everything seemed so bright and so beautiful that it was utterly impossible for me to be angry about anything.
The first good thing (and slightly scary thing) was that I found out today that I was a finalist in a statewide undergraduate Shakespeare competition and that I will be presenting my paper next weekend at a conference at the U of M, and my friend Lauren (who's in my Shakespeare class) WON the contest, which is lovely and amazing! I am so excited for her and glad that we will be at the conference together. Now that the initial excitement has worn off, I'm a little scared, because there are some major scholars/speakers there (from Stanford, Berkeley, Columbia, etc.) and I can't help thinking that I'll either totally screw up in the presentation of my paper or that everyone there will just be thinking, "This piece of crap was a finalist?" But I am, nonetheless, happy, because I rather liked the essay I wrote that was submitted even though I ought to have spent more time on it. I think I really am the most unbelievably nerdy English nerd in the world to be so very excited and nervous about this, but hey, that's me.
The second good thing was just the weather and overall mood of the day. Today was the perfect mixture of sunshine and happiness and flowers and tree buds and clean, spring scent. The entire campus - nay, the entire world - seemed too beautiful and untainted today for me to be upset about anything. These days, it ought to be noted, come very few and far between for me. Usually, I can't stop thinking about all of the things that are wrong and terrible and injust in the world. But days like today seem to just about make up for the two hundred or so days in between. All I could think today was, "God is so, so good!" Because He really IS, I think, and I forget that all too often, because there are so many non-good things that happen so frequently to so many people.
I also had my interview for the Oracle for next year today. I'm a bit nervous at the thought of being a news editor, but I think I could handle it. Not that there's any certainty whatsoever that I'll get the position, of course, but I think I have a fairly good shot at it. And I would, quite frankly, be happy in any editing position (except, perhaps, sports) as long as I could keep working there because as much as I hate the late nights and begging people to write stuff sometimes, I do love the people and atmosphere, and it's good experience, as well.
Lena and I keep promising one another that we won't get married for years because we cannot imagine doing it at this stage of life and are terrified we'll be the only single ones left soon. Haha, not really, but at times...well, I'll just leave it at that. It's a fun bargain, anyway, and at least we have someone to be single with all teh time, even if we live hours and hours apart from one another. That's okay. Friendship knows no bounds, my friends. I don't know where that corny line came from. I thought I had rid myself of cliches by now, but clearly, there is yet work to be done.
Speaking of which, I really must go eat something and get some physics out of the way or else I will absolutely choke when it comes time for my exam on Friday. Have a lovely night, all.
The first good thing (and slightly scary thing) was that I found out today that I was a finalist in a statewide undergraduate Shakespeare competition and that I will be presenting my paper next weekend at a conference at the U of M, and my friend Lauren (who's in my Shakespeare class) WON the contest, which is lovely and amazing! I am so excited for her and glad that we will be at the conference together. Now that the initial excitement has worn off, I'm a little scared, because there are some major scholars/speakers there (from Stanford, Berkeley, Columbia, etc.) and I can't help thinking that I'll either totally screw up in the presentation of my paper or that everyone there will just be thinking, "This piece of crap was a finalist?" But I am, nonetheless, happy, because I rather liked the essay I wrote that was submitted even though I ought to have spent more time on it. I think I really am the most unbelievably nerdy English nerd in the world to be so very excited and nervous about this, but hey, that's me.
The second good thing was just the weather and overall mood of the day. Today was the perfect mixture of sunshine and happiness and flowers and tree buds and clean, spring scent. The entire campus - nay, the entire world - seemed too beautiful and untainted today for me to be upset about anything. These days, it ought to be noted, come very few and far between for me. Usually, I can't stop thinking about all of the things that are wrong and terrible and injust in the world. But days like today seem to just about make up for the two hundred or so days in between. All I could think today was, "God is so, so good!" Because He really IS, I think, and I forget that all too often, because there are so many non-good things that happen so frequently to so many people.
I also had my interview for the Oracle for next year today. I'm a bit nervous at the thought of being a news editor, but I think I could handle it. Not that there's any certainty whatsoever that I'll get the position, of course, but I think I have a fairly good shot at it. And I would, quite frankly, be happy in any editing position (except, perhaps, sports) as long as I could keep working there because as much as I hate the late nights and begging people to write stuff sometimes, I do love the people and atmosphere, and it's good experience, as well.
Lena and I keep promising one another that we won't get married for years because we cannot imagine doing it at this stage of life and are terrified we'll be the only single ones left soon. Haha, not really, but at times...well, I'll just leave it at that. It's a fun bargain, anyway, and at least we have someone to be single with all teh time, even if we live hours and hours apart from one another. That's okay. Friendship knows no bounds, my friends. I don't know where that corny line came from. I thought I had rid myself of cliches by now, but clearly, there is yet work to be done.
Speaking of which, I really must go eat something and get some physics out of the way or else I will absolutely choke when it comes time for my exam on Friday. Have a lovely night, all.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
ugh
Bad weekend. baaaaad. For so very many different reasons that I shall not take the time to recount here, this will definitely go down as one of my worst weekends. Yechh. With the exception, of course, of the very fine weather we've been having, which did help a little. I did some homework and some napping in the sun, which was very enjoyable, but I'm a mess. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought, "oh. dear. heaven. What has become of me?" I don't know what's wrong...it's like one minute things seem to be great and the next I feel like there are so many things wrong with the world and especially with ME that there is no way for things to be right again. So much I would like to work on and change about my life and it all has to be accomplished in small steps and I get so incredibly frustrated with those small steps.
This is probably coming off as a rather cryptic post, because only like two people have any idea what I'm talking about specifically, but in general I just wish on some days that I could be an entirely different person. I try, I really do, and sometimes I just screw up so much I get so frustrated with myself.
Aaargh. I need to work on my Shakespeare presentation, which I have to give tomorrow and which I am still fully not prepared for. So away I go.
This is probably coming off as a rather cryptic post, because only like two people have any idea what I'm talking about specifically, but in general I just wish on some days that I could be an entirely different person. I try, I really do, and sometimes I just screw up so much I get so frustrated with myself.
Aaargh. I need to work on my Shakespeare presentation, which I have to give tomorrow and which I am still fully not prepared for. So away I go.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
i am a bear of very little Brain
Not much to report today. A rather lackluster day, all in all, with the exception of a wild and crazy but brief shopping trip with the roomie. We manage to get ourselves into absolutely the most ridiculous situations sometimes. How was I supposed to know that if you do the self-check-out at the grocery store, the sensors can tell if you remove a full bag of groceries and then gets mad at you for removing items from the loading area? How on earth was I supposed to know that? And then we get to the vehicle and Brit thinks she's lost her keys, and surprise! they're in the ignition. Seriously, we cannot live together any more after this year.
I have still not been able to stop listening to my Mae cd. It gets better every single time. I'm afraid that if I continue to listen to it nonstop, I will get sick of it, and that would stink because it's so amazingly good, which is why I'm willing to risk getting sick of it.
I'm pretty excited at the prospect of having the dorm room all to myself for the weekend. I love Brit and she is a very good roommate, but a few days of solitude are sounding really good right now. I had a fantastic spring break and I loved every minute of it, but I've been so caught up in so many things lately that there's just been no down time for myself, so that should be nice.
Still haven't gotten a hold of the resort yet. I really must attend to that.
"Attend to that"? What am I, some kind of pretentious English major nerd....oh wait. Yeah. That's right. I am. But "attend to that"? I think it's a sign that I've been reading far too much Shakespeare to be of any use to anyone. I'm so sick of "Othello," but next up is "The Tempest," which I just read last semester at might hurl at the mere thought of reading yet AGAIN. Yechh. I hate Prospero, I think he's a jerk. But anyway, I guess that doesn't really have much relevance to my actual life.
At least the weather was nice today. I wouldn't mind it warming up just a tad, but the sunshine has definitely done me good. I'm still feeling pretty apathetic about a lot of things, but it's harder to be melancholy when the sun is shining and tulips are growing. It makes being a cynic much harder.
On that note, I'm out for the night. I still have some research to do for my Shakespeare class and I ought to study for my physics quiz, so away I go.
I have still not been able to stop listening to my Mae cd. It gets better every single time. I'm afraid that if I continue to listen to it nonstop, I will get sick of it, and that would stink because it's so amazingly good, which is why I'm willing to risk getting sick of it.
I'm pretty excited at the prospect of having the dorm room all to myself for the weekend. I love Brit and she is a very good roommate, but a few days of solitude are sounding really good right now. I had a fantastic spring break and I loved every minute of it, but I've been so caught up in so many things lately that there's just been no down time for myself, so that should be nice.
Still haven't gotten a hold of the resort yet. I really must attend to that.
"Attend to that"? What am I, some kind of pretentious English major nerd....oh wait. Yeah. That's right. I am. But "attend to that"? I think it's a sign that I've been reading far too much Shakespeare to be of any use to anyone. I'm so sick of "Othello," but next up is "The Tempest," which I just read last semester at might hurl at the mere thought of reading yet AGAIN. Yechh. I hate Prospero, I think he's a jerk. But anyway, I guess that doesn't really have much relevance to my actual life.
At least the weather was nice today. I wouldn't mind it warming up just a tad, but the sunshine has definitely done me good. I'm still feeling pretty apathetic about a lot of things, but it's harder to be melancholy when the sun is shining and tulips are growing. It makes being a cynic much harder.
On that note, I'm out for the night. I still have some research to do for my Shakespeare class and I ought to study for my physics quiz, so away I go.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
phwooragh
Hmph. Well, here I am, 8:30 at the Oracle office and no John. Not that it's that big of a deal, but I assured him I'd be here by 8 so that we could talk about his letter to the editor issue and now he fails to show. Oh well, it's still all for the best because I can get some early layout done tonight and then I'll know how much space to beg people to fill anyway, so I guess it all makes sense.
I've been drifting through life lately, not really focusing on much of anything. I really need to snap out of that if I'm going to even come close to getting through my classes this semester with any kind of grace. Sad thing is, the only things I really seem to care about lately are the Oracle and my philosophy class. I did do really well on that midterm, so that's a little reassuring, and I've chosen a topic for my final presentation, but of course I had to go and choose a ridiculously complicated topic. I couldn't choose a certain type of sculpture to scrutinize or something, oh no, I had to go and decide to philosophically dissect the narrative in literature, using at least one traditional and one non-traditional narrative (like Balzac and Grass or something). Sigh. How do I get myself into these things?
I had a rather depressing realization today as well. I realized I don't have a best friend. I don't think I've had one in years and years, maybe even ever. The person I've always considered my best friend invariably has someone else for a best friend. What does that say about me? Might it perhaps be indicitave of my own inability to be a best friend, or is that just my own somewhat rotten luck that I just haven't happened to have one? Hmm. I wonder. It was a rather disconcerting realization nonetheless.
Everyone I know lately seems to be either getting married or at least hooking up with someone ELSE I know. Sheesh. Some people I didn't even know about until like today. oy. I'm out of the loop, I guess, or have been. I feel quite a few of my friends sort of starting to drift away a bit. It's funny, because whenever I'm home, people ask me how Mary is doing like I should know, and perhaps I should, but honestly, right now I have no idea how she really is. I don't feel like we've had a genuinely good talk for ages. And it's neither of our faults, really, I don't think, but it's happening and there it is and there you have it.
I should really be working on layout instead of this, so that Brit and I can go to the midnight show of Sin City tomorrow night, which I really want to do because it looks like a pretty cool movie. She's going to Chicago for a mini-break this weekend, so I'll also have the dorm room all to myself for a couple days, which should be nice. I want to do some major cleaning. I haven't even unpacked my suitcase from last week yet because I want to rearrange a ton of stuff in the room before I do. My closet and bureau space need some serious readjustment. Not like anyone needed to know that, but I figured I might as well share.
As much as I'm going to be working this summer, I'm actually getting sort of excited for it to arrive. Because the nice thing about summer jobs is that I don't have to take them home with me. I mean, yeah, I work 8 hours straight at the resort with not even so much as a lunch break, but then it's DONE. No homework, no papers, no projects, no planning- and who knows, maybe I'll even have a little bit of time for fun things as well. And since I'll have virtually no friends around until Manney gets back from Germany like in August, I should be able to get plenty of summer reading done. I should start making a list soon. I make a list every summer and I never get through the entire thing, but I'm hoping that this summer I'll manage.
Yeah. Well, this is getting really long again because I am pretty much just avoiding my two blank newspaper pages staring at me from behind this window, so I'm going to take care of that now.
I've been drifting through life lately, not really focusing on much of anything. I really need to snap out of that if I'm going to even come close to getting through my classes this semester with any kind of grace. Sad thing is, the only things I really seem to care about lately are the Oracle and my philosophy class. I did do really well on that midterm, so that's a little reassuring, and I've chosen a topic for my final presentation, but of course I had to go and choose a ridiculously complicated topic. I couldn't choose a certain type of sculpture to scrutinize or something, oh no, I had to go and decide to philosophically dissect the narrative in literature, using at least one traditional and one non-traditional narrative (like Balzac and Grass or something). Sigh. How do I get myself into these things?
I had a rather depressing realization today as well. I realized I don't have a best friend. I don't think I've had one in years and years, maybe even ever. The person I've always considered my best friend invariably has someone else for a best friend. What does that say about me? Might it perhaps be indicitave of my own inability to be a best friend, or is that just my own somewhat rotten luck that I just haven't happened to have one? Hmm. I wonder. It was a rather disconcerting realization nonetheless.
Everyone I know lately seems to be either getting married or at least hooking up with someone ELSE I know. Sheesh. Some people I didn't even know about until like today. oy. I'm out of the loop, I guess, or have been. I feel quite a few of my friends sort of starting to drift away a bit. It's funny, because whenever I'm home, people ask me how Mary is doing like I should know, and perhaps I should, but honestly, right now I have no idea how she really is. I don't feel like we've had a genuinely good talk for ages. And it's neither of our faults, really, I don't think, but it's happening and there it is and there you have it.
I should really be working on layout instead of this, so that Brit and I can go to the midnight show of Sin City tomorrow night, which I really want to do because it looks like a pretty cool movie. She's going to Chicago for a mini-break this weekend, so I'll also have the dorm room all to myself for a couple days, which should be nice. I want to do some major cleaning. I haven't even unpacked my suitcase from last week yet because I want to rearrange a ton of stuff in the room before I do. My closet and bureau space need some serious readjustment. Not like anyone needed to know that, but I figured I might as well share.
As much as I'm going to be working this summer, I'm actually getting sort of excited for it to arrive. Because the nice thing about summer jobs is that I don't have to take them home with me. I mean, yeah, I work 8 hours straight at the resort with not even so much as a lunch break, but then it's DONE. No homework, no papers, no projects, no planning- and who knows, maybe I'll even have a little bit of time for fun things as well. And since I'll have virtually no friends around until Manney gets back from Germany like in August, I should be able to get plenty of summer reading done. I should start making a list soon. I make a list every summer and I never get through the entire thing, but I'm hoping that this summer I'll manage.
Yeah. Well, this is getting really long again because I am pretty much just avoiding my two blank newspaper pages staring at me from behind this window, so I'm going to take care of that now.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
busy busy like a bee in summer
:: sigh :: Adam is right. I DON'T do much of anything. Not that he's exactly been Mr. Exemplary poster lately himself, but whatever. Tonight, I realize, I would pretty much rather be doing anything other than still struggling with my physics, so it's all good. I just get so incredibly frustrated with how incredibly stupid I am when it comes to that class. I genuinely have absolutely no talent for it. And I hate that. Usually, if there's a class I'm not much good in (Macroeconomics and Calculus come to mind), I just put in a little extra time and effort and I wind up being just fine, but such is not the case here.
In any case, at least I had a good spring break. Spending time in London with Krystle was wonderful. Dangit I miss that girl. She's one of the very few friends I have that I can talk to without worrying about her being at all judgmental. She lets me get away with being more annoying and stupid than I actually have any right to be and doesn't even seem to ever be bothered by it.
Jake Scott and I came up with a brilliant plan to run away from our troubles and go live at the big rock candy mountain, but our plan was foiled when we remembered that the aforementioned place is, after all, fictional. Sweet, I worked the word "aforementioned" into my post. Very nice. It's one of my favorite words and I have no idea why. Anyway, yeah, it's too bad I don't have anyplace to run away to. Gotta love that kid though, he always makes me laugh. Not an easy task sometimes these days, either.
Another shout-out happy birthday to Peter Lund. I feel like I'm pushing his birthday excessively, but I like my friends to have very happy birthdays, and so if you are Pete's friends and have yet to wish him a happy one, hop to it. You've only got a couple of hours to go before it's officially over.
Speaking of hopping, I dug into some of my Easter candy today and the hollow bunny my mom got me this year is truly disgusting. I was extremely disappointed; I usually have a top-notch bunny in the basket, but this year, something went terribly, horribly wrong, and it wound up tasting slightly of rubber. And although I LOVE my mother, I really with that just ONE year she could remember that it's the Cadbury Creme eggs that I love, not the Caramel ones. But she tries, she really does. She just forgets.
This Saturday when I had people over at my house, Adam, Pete, and Trevor kept a thread running throughout the evening of making up random things they have purportedly read/heard about Rammstein. Funny, funny, funny boys. All week some of the things they said have been jumping into my head and making me laugh at wildly inappropriate times, like today in my physics lab. I think Ben and Darren think I'm just a little bit crazy, but that's ok. They aren't far off the mark.
I also got the new CD today from a band called Mae, and it is amazing. I have literally not been able to stop listening to it for hours now. It's already a worthwhile investment; I will be getting tons of wear out of this one. Best record I've bought in ages. And it's a fully themed actual album. All the songs flow together beautifully, and they have a funny little prologue and epilogue, and special art for the booklet, and all kinds of good stuff. Brilliant.
Tomorrow Brit and I are doing a shopping run- hurray. She has a vehicle this week, and it's really nice having a roommate with a car. I'm loving it. Truthfully, it's a LandRover, I think she would kill me for calling it a car, but you get the idea.
I suppose I should suck it up soon and let the resort know that I will be back this summer. I really don't want to be at home but there's nothing else. I found out today that I was totally rejected for the internship that I applied for- I didn't even get an interview. Oh well. First time for everything, I suppose. It's the first job I've ever applied for and not gotten, much less not even gotten interviewed for, which has been nagging me all day but oh well. Nothing I can do about it. Now I just need to find another job, part-time, to fill up the rest of my days. I had better pray I don't get sick this summer, or with two jobs I will be in big trouble. Hopefully I'll at least be getting a raise at the resort, that would definitely soften the blow a bit. And I'll have no Shari this summer to help me pass the time, sadly. I loved working with Shari; she's one of the funniest ladies ever.
I think I use semicolons too much. In this fabulous book called "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" the author discusses how there are two types of writers - those who refuse to use semicolons and consider them a degenerate form of punctuation, and those who have to forcibly restrict themselves from using one in every sentence. I, I'm afraid, fall completely into the latter category. I love semicolons. They're such convenient little punctuation marks.
Wow. Could I BE any more nerdy of an English major? I find it hard to believe that I could.
But this post is getting quite long (ought to satisfy Adam) and I'm off to do devotions, finish physics, and get some sleep. I'm still worn out from my spring break, I think, even though that seems ridiculous. Cheers, all.
In any case, at least I had a good spring break. Spending time in London with Krystle was wonderful. Dangit I miss that girl. She's one of the very few friends I have that I can talk to without worrying about her being at all judgmental. She lets me get away with being more annoying and stupid than I actually have any right to be and doesn't even seem to ever be bothered by it.
Jake Scott and I came up with a brilliant plan to run away from our troubles and go live at the big rock candy mountain, but our plan was foiled when we remembered that the aforementioned place is, after all, fictional. Sweet, I worked the word "aforementioned" into my post. Very nice. It's one of my favorite words and I have no idea why. Anyway, yeah, it's too bad I don't have anyplace to run away to. Gotta love that kid though, he always makes me laugh. Not an easy task sometimes these days, either.
Another shout-out happy birthday to Peter Lund. I feel like I'm pushing his birthday excessively, but I like my friends to have very happy birthdays, and so if you are Pete's friends and have yet to wish him a happy one, hop to it. You've only got a couple of hours to go before it's officially over.
Speaking of hopping, I dug into some of my Easter candy today and the hollow bunny my mom got me this year is truly disgusting. I was extremely disappointed; I usually have a top-notch bunny in the basket, but this year, something went terribly, horribly wrong, and it wound up tasting slightly of rubber. And although I LOVE my mother, I really with that just ONE year she could remember that it's the Cadbury Creme eggs that I love, not the Caramel ones. But she tries, she really does. She just forgets.
This Saturday when I had people over at my house, Adam, Pete, and Trevor kept a thread running throughout the evening of making up random things they have purportedly read/heard about Rammstein. Funny, funny, funny boys. All week some of the things they said have been jumping into my head and making me laugh at wildly inappropriate times, like today in my physics lab. I think Ben and Darren think I'm just a little bit crazy, but that's ok. They aren't far off the mark.
I also got the new CD today from a band called Mae, and it is amazing. I have literally not been able to stop listening to it for hours now. It's already a worthwhile investment; I will be getting tons of wear out of this one. Best record I've bought in ages. And it's a fully themed actual album. All the songs flow together beautifully, and they have a funny little prologue and epilogue, and special art for the booklet, and all kinds of good stuff. Brilliant.
Tomorrow Brit and I are doing a shopping run- hurray. She has a vehicle this week, and it's really nice having a roommate with a car. I'm loving it. Truthfully, it's a LandRover, I think she would kill me for calling it a car, but you get the idea.
I suppose I should suck it up soon and let the resort know that I will be back this summer. I really don't want to be at home but there's nothing else. I found out today that I was totally rejected for the internship that I applied for- I didn't even get an interview. Oh well. First time for everything, I suppose. It's the first job I've ever applied for and not gotten, much less not even gotten interviewed for, which has been nagging me all day but oh well. Nothing I can do about it. Now I just need to find another job, part-time, to fill up the rest of my days. I had better pray I don't get sick this summer, or with two jobs I will be in big trouble. Hopefully I'll at least be getting a raise at the resort, that would definitely soften the blow a bit. And I'll have no Shari this summer to help me pass the time, sadly. I loved working with Shari; she's one of the funniest ladies ever.
I think I use semicolons too much. In this fabulous book called "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" the author discusses how there are two types of writers - those who refuse to use semicolons and consider them a degenerate form of punctuation, and those who have to forcibly restrict themselves from using one in every sentence. I, I'm afraid, fall completely into the latter category. I love semicolons. They're such convenient little punctuation marks.
Wow. Could I BE any more nerdy of an English major? I find it hard to believe that I could.
But this post is getting quite long (ought to satisfy Adam) and I'm off to do devotions, finish physics, and get some sleep. I'm still worn out from my spring break, I think, even though that seems ridiculous. Cheers, all.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
worst day ever...
...well, ok. Not the worst day EVER. But it's right up there. Crap, crap, crappity crap crap crap. Of all the days for me to have to do an entire extra page of layout at the Oracle, this is the ONE DAY I would absolutely choose to NOT do that. I have a physics exam tomorrow, TOMORROW, for which I need to know about twenty formulas, of which I currently only know like five. I'm going to have to blow off my Shakespeare class tomorrow if I'm going to have any hope of being able to study enough to attempt to pass my physics exam, and I am not happy about that. Granted, the Shakespeare class isn't my favorite, but I absolutely hate and despise skipping classes for any reason. Heaven knows this school costs enough, I might as well put the money to good use and attend the classes that are being paid for. At least that's my take on the situation. The good news is I don't have to work today so if I get to the office and work like crazy, I just might be able to be finished there by 8 or 9 p.m., although I'm not going to count on it because it seems that lately, whatever CAN go wrong at the Oracle for me invariably does. Grrr. This semester is crummy. I feel like I'm a zombie going to classes and vaguely attempting the reading and I feel like I have accomplished basically nothing except for writing two papers and doing a junkload of reading. I'm not a happy girl. I have always loved my classes here and my professors but for whatever reason, this semester my heart is just not in it at all. I don't even get that excited about the prospect of studying abroad, which I was formerly absolutely pumped for. Tthis weekend, I have to bake scones for my "Crossing Borders" class as a food representative of the country I'm going to. England isn't known for its food, and there's a reason for that - most of it isn't very good. But I think scones are an okay choice so that's what I'm going to do at home this weekend. Fun times, no?
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
an odd day
So. Today has been interesting. For whatever strange reason, I was seized by the uncontrollable urge to dance around my dorm room tonight while my roommate was studying in the library. I hope no one saw through the window; we are, after all, on the first floor. Perish the thought!
It's been a weird day. I am still a little fed up and upset about things at the newspaper office but I am really trying my best not to be angry with anyone and to see the entire situation as an opportunity for the paper (and for myself) to expand and learn and grow. Which sounds incredibly corny and insincere, but that's truly how I am attempting to approach the situation. At this point, I don't see how else I could approach it that would do anyone any good whatsoever.
I'm lonely today. I hate to admit it, but I really do miss having a boyfriend. Not so much that I'm lonely for the particular boyfriend I had - those of you who know me well know about that - but I desperately miss having someone to call for no reason at all, no one to always hang out with and do nothing, to watch random movies with and to stay up until some unholy hour talking to about incredibly strange and bizarre things. I really, really miss that. And though this is not the most important part, to be honest, I totally miss kissing people. It's been months. MONTHS. A long, dry year so far, my friends. Haha. Wow, that sounds dumb even now to me. But I refuse to bait myself into deleting that, because it is what I was thinking. It's going to be a long, lonely summer, too. I'm 99% sure that I will be back at home this summer working two jobs (read: about 60 hours a week) to earn enough to study abroad and such. Fun times. I don't think anyone's going to be home to hang out with. Adam, will you be home this summer? Puh-leeeeease??? You are almost my only hope for intelligent company. Otherwise (and even if you are) I may need to beg mercy of Caitlin and Jake Scott in order to at least have some claim to friends this summer. Maybe something good will come of it that I am currently clouded in my judgement to see. I hope so.
On the slightly more cheerful side of life, I think I have found a place to live next spring. My friend Malin is planning to study abroad in the spring, so if that comes through, I can sublet her studio apartment and have it alllll to my onesie self for the entire spring semester. That would be wonderful. And it's a teeny bit expensive for me, but she really seems to want me to have it, so she is willing to pay a small portion of the rent each month to put it within my range. How sweet is that? I'm very excited at the prospect. I just want to see it but I'm pretty sure I'm going to want it. Score.
It's been a weird day. I am still a little fed up and upset about things at the newspaper office but I am really trying my best not to be angry with anyone and to see the entire situation as an opportunity for the paper (and for myself) to expand and learn and grow. Which sounds incredibly corny and insincere, but that's truly how I am attempting to approach the situation. At this point, I don't see how else I could approach it that would do anyone any good whatsoever.
I'm lonely today. I hate to admit it, but I really do miss having a boyfriend. Not so much that I'm lonely for the particular boyfriend I had - those of you who know me well know about that - but I desperately miss having someone to call for no reason at all, no one to always hang out with and do nothing, to watch random movies with and to stay up until some unholy hour talking to about incredibly strange and bizarre things. I really, really miss that. And though this is not the most important part, to be honest, I totally miss kissing people. It's been months. MONTHS. A long, dry year so far, my friends. Haha. Wow, that sounds dumb even now to me. But I refuse to bait myself into deleting that, because it is what I was thinking. It's going to be a long, lonely summer, too. I'm 99% sure that I will be back at home this summer working two jobs (read: about 60 hours a week) to earn enough to study abroad and such. Fun times. I don't think anyone's going to be home to hang out with. Adam, will you be home this summer? Puh-leeeeease??? You are almost my only hope for intelligent company. Otherwise (and even if you are) I may need to beg mercy of Caitlin and Jake Scott in order to at least have some claim to friends this summer. Maybe something good will come of it that I am currently clouded in my judgement to see. I hope so.
On the slightly more cheerful side of life, I think I have found a place to live next spring. My friend Malin is planning to study abroad in the spring, so if that comes through, I can sublet her studio apartment and have it alllll to my onesie self for the entire spring semester. That would be wonderful. And it's a teeny bit expensive for me, but she really seems to want me to have it, so she is willing to pay a small portion of the rent each month to put it within my range. How sweet is that? I'm very excited at the prospect. I just want to see it but I'm pretty sure I'm going to want it. Score.
Monday, March 07, 2005
surviving the firestorm...
Well, in response to Adam's vehement demand that I update, I shall do so at once. What I'm going to do is give an account of why I haven't been updating much and why I have been so stressed lately. I've been very busy lately, what with attempting not to fail physics and all, but there's something else that's come up that has made life particularly difficult. Also, I must give some recognition to Adam, whose intriguing blog can be found at http://exittheory.blogspot.com
As many of you know, I am the Opinion editor for my campus newspaper; it's a job that I love and I work with a great group of people there as well. However. Back in December, before I had this job and I was still a lowly Associate editor, two students on campus submitted a letter to the editor regarding a professor on campus. I don't know what their intent was, precisely, in submitting the letter, but the result was that many people interpreted as a personal attack on the professor, challenging his competency and personal beliefs regarding diversity and race. We don't publish during J-term, so over the first couple of weeks of the spring semester, the aforementioned professor was working on a response piece to the two students of color, which was initally waaay to long to even think about printing. My editor-in-chief kept telling him it just had to be cut down and cut down until finally he got it to around 1400 words, and he said that was the best he could do. In light of his efforts, we decided to publish the letter as it was. The same week, because of the size of this letter, we had room to print only like one more letter and the one we printed was from a girl who basically seemed to think that diversity isn't nearly as much of an issue as many people make it.
In retrospect, it was probably not the wisest idea to print these two letters together in one issue, but believe me, if I had ANY notion of the fallout that would arise from this, I never, NEVER would have printed them. After the issue came out, we got a flurry of e-mails saying how unfair it was, how terrible it was that we allowed this professor extra space to defend himself, how the issue of the paper was obviously part of institutional racism, etc. Needless to say, as Opinion editor, a few choice words were also thrown my way, either directly to my face in passing or via e-mail. I know that it is important to not take these things personally, because I certainly had no intention whatsoever for this to get so out of control, but it has been hard not to be extremely stressed about not only my own reputation but of course that of the paper as well. People have been upset that we let the prof. respond at all, others because we allotted him more space than the usual 500 words, some because they felt the page/issue of the paper was anti-student of color, etc. etc.
There's been much more anger and hurt surrounding this issue than I had ever even dreamed of, and while I'm sorry that so many people interpret the situation in the ways that they have, I also cannot feel that I did anything wrong in printing what I did. The point of the Opinion section is to provide an open forum for people to express their viewpoints, and I refuse to engage in the practice of only printing what I personally agree with, because I really feel that compromises my journalistic integrity. Some people may scoff at the idea of a college girl feeling seriously concerned about journalistic integrity, but it's a position I take very seriously and I care very deeply about what is printed and what is said about myself and the paper. I spent a few days feeling incredibly stressed about the issue and practically ready to burst into tears at all times from the stress and lack of sleep I was getting because of this issue, but I am calming down and seeing the situation a little differently. Like I said, I really don't believe I did anything wrong.
Generally speaking, most of the opinions printed in the section are very liberal, and I truly feel that it's important not to silence voices on campus, even if (and perhaps precisely BECAUSE) others on campus may see the viewpoint as overly conservative, narrow, limited, or even just wrong. If those voices are silenced, how do we as a community begin to know what issues we need to work on? For all the lip service paid to diversity on this campus, letters like the one I printed (and people's issues with the professor), to me, demonstrate precisely how much work we have left to do, and isn't it important to see that? I am so frustrated with people who seem to believe that the letters printed are the ideas of the Oracle or of me personally, because that is just so incredibly absurd that I don't even know how to respond to it. How could I possibly print letters for AND against, for example, the Military Recruiter Ban initiative on campus and agree with them both? I CAN'T. Hence, it's impossible for the published viewpoints to be reflections of my own. It has just been such an incredibly stressful, crazy, mixed-up last couple of weeks. What I find particularly ironic about the situation is that when the first letter (from the two students was printed), I had NOTHING TO DO WITH it, so I am essentially just dealing with all of the fallout from a situation that I originally had no part in whatsoever. I think that pretty much covers it. That's been sort of the overwhelming issue here, anyway.
I finally passed a quiz in physics today, which is some small cause for celebration. Of course, the passing was with a D+, but I'm going to take whatever the heck I can get in that class. I don't get it. I wasn't that bad at physics in high school, but I just plain SUCK at it now. And it's algebra based, it's supposed to be easy. And I have never, ever in my life felt more stupid in a class. I hate it. I mean, I don't hate the class; lecture is kind of fun and I have a decent lab group, but I just hate feeling so stupid. Yechh. On that note, I go to finish my physics homework.
As many of you know, I am the Opinion editor for my campus newspaper; it's a job that I love and I work with a great group of people there as well. However. Back in December, before I had this job and I was still a lowly Associate editor, two students on campus submitted a letter to the editor regarding a professor on campus. I don't know what their intent was, precisely, in submitting the letter, but the result was that many people interpreted as a personal attack on the professor, challenging his competency and personal beliefs regarding diversity and race. We don't publish during J-term, so over the first couple of weeks of the spring semester, the aforementioned professor was working on a response piece to the two students of color, which was initally waaay to long to even think about printing. My editor-in-chief kept telling him it just had to be cut down and cut down until finally he got it to around 1400 words, and he said that was the best he could do. In light of his efforts, we decided to publish the letter as it was. The same week, because of the size of this letter, we had room to print only like one more letter and the one we printed was from a girl who basically seemed to think that diversity isn't nearly as much of an issue as many people make it.
In retrospect, it was probably not the wisest idea to print these two letters together in one issue, but believe me, if I had ANY notion of the fallout that would arise from this, I never, NEVER would have printed them. After the issue came out, we got a flurry of e-mails saying how unfair it was, how terrible it was that we allowed this professor extra space to defend himself, how the issue of the paper was obviously part of institutional racism, etc. Needless to say, as Opinion editor, a few choice words were also thrown my way, either directly to my face in passing or via e-mail. I know that it is important to not take these things personally, because I certainly had no intention whatsoever for this to get so out of control, but it has been hard not to be extremely stressed about not only my own reputation but of course that of the paper as well. People have been upset that we let the prof. respond at all, others because we allotted him more space than the usual 500 words, some because they felt the page/issue of the paper was anti-student of color, etc. etc.
There's been much more anger and hurt surrounding this issue than I had ever even dreamed of, and while I'm sorry that so many people interpret the situation in the ways that they have, I also cannot feel that I did anything wrong in printing what I did. The point of the Opinion section is to provide an open forum for people to express their viewpoints, and I refuse to engage in the practice of only printing what I personally agree with, because I really feel that compromises my journalistic integrity. Some people may scoff at the idea of a college girl feeling seriously concerned about journalistic integrity, but it's a position I take very seriously and I care very deeply about what is printed and what is said about myself and the paper. I spent a few days feeling incredibly stressed about the issue and practically ready to burst into tears at all times from the stress and lack of sleep I was getting because of this issue, but I am calming down and seeing the situation a little differently. Like I said, I really don't believe I did anything wrong.
Generally speaking, most of the opinions printed in the section are very liberal, and I truly feel that it's important not to silence voices on campus, even if (and perhaps precisely BECAUSE) others on campus may see the viewpoint as overly conservative, narrow, limited, or even just wrong. If those voices are silenced, how do we as a community begin to know what issues we need to work on? For all the lip service paid to diversity on this campus, letters like the one I printed (and people's issues with the professor), to me, demonstrate precisely how much work we have left to do, and isn't it important to see that? I am so frustrated with people who seem to believe that the letters printed are the ideas of the Oracle or of me personally, because that is just so incredibly absurd that I don't even know how to respond to it. How could I possibly print letters for AND against, for example, the Military Recruiter Ban initiative on campus and agree with them both? I CAN'T. Hence, it's impossible for the published viewpoints to be reflections of my own. It has just been such an incredibly stressful, crazy, mixed-up last couple of weeks. What I find particularly ironic about the situation is that when the first letter (from the two students was printed), I had NOTHING TO DO WITH it, so I am essentially just dealing with all of the fallout from a situation that I originally had no part in whatsoever. I think that pretty much covers it. That's been sort of the overwhelming issue here, anyway.
I finally passed a quiz in physics today, which is some small cause for celebration. Of course, the passing was with a D+, but I'm going to take whatever the heck I can get in that class. I don't get it. I wasn't that bad at physics in high school, but I just plain SUCK at it now. And it's algebra based, it's supposed to be easy. And I have never, ever in my life felt more stupid in a class. I hate it. I mean, I don't hate the class; lecture is kind of fun and I have a decent lab group, but I just hate feeling so stupid. Yechh. On that note, I go to finish my physics homework.
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