Even though I should be attacking my physics to try to nail this stupid final. I HATE cumulative finals more than anything, especially in a class like physics where the different units don't relate to one another. My Shakespeare final I'm a lot less worried about for the simple reason that I understand the material and how the different materials connect to one another.
A conversation with Graham sparked my mind into thinking about my major and how much I love it. I'm the nerdiest English nerd I know, and I love every minute of it. I love looking at a text and hunting for inconsistencies or for beautiful words and phrases to read through. I love looking for different patterns in the language, for different ways to phrase things, looking for ways to let words touch me. I wish I could write in a way that would affect others even a fraction of the way in which some of my favorite works have affected me. I started wondering what I would be majoring in if I weren't an English major, and truthfully, I have no idea whatsoever. As much as I procrastinate and complain and sometimes struggle, I love the ideas and texts and professors of my department. I've never felt academically dissatisfied at Hamline, I don't think, which I am gathering is something fairly unusual.
It's strange; most kids come to college and love their social lives but hate their classes. For me it was the other way around for a very long time, although this year and especially this semester I feel like I'm finally finding a niche, finding people with whom I'm comfortable and happy to share my life with. It's a good feeling.
Tonight Mal and I are going to chill out with each other and do something cool. I don't know what yet, but I'm sure we'll think of something.
Even though it was dampened with dark spots, this weekend was one of the best ones of my life. Truthfully. It makes me sad to be going home for the summer when I've just found people here that I love spending time with so much. But then again, home carries the promise of Krystle and Adam. And hopefully Caitlin and Jake on occasion, and seeing Graham before he leaves for Germany. And the excitement of visitation. Visits are more exciting than regular hanging out because they get made more special, so I get to claim that for myself when I come down here this summer.
Now. Physics. Could I hate that class any more right now? That's what I thought.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Saturday, May 14, 2005
blogs are strange...
...because when I post in a blog, I don't really think that much about what anyone else is going to think of what I write or how they'll react to it. Sometimes I do, but more often I'm just letting the words fly out of my fingers until some of the emotion that I'm feeling drains out of me as well. So I probably often sound a lot more dramatic when I write than I ought to. It's not that I'm writing anything for reassurance or to be complimented or to boost my ego, it's just what happens to be the truth to me at the particular moment in which I'm writing it. When I'm feeling calmer or happier or whatever, I tend to have less of a need to get it out, and so there tends to be less written by me at those moments.
When I very first starting having a blog, I didn't really give out the address to many people and I also didn't really think about anyone but my friends reading it. And even though I knew that posting something on the internet meant that pretty much anyone could read what I write, I didn't really think anyone did. Until the other day. I got a comment from a lady who I've never met. It was a really nice comment, it's just that the effect of said comment was that I finally realized that whatever I write I'm putting out there for anyone to access. Which is fine, but it suddenly makes me feel and seem a tad more vulnerable than I had really realized before. Interesting. If the stuff I write in my blog seems dramatic sometimes though, man, you should see my real journal. Which you won't, because no one does. But it's much more detailed and in-depth. I love having my regular journal though. It's leather (which some people might be opposed to but I love the smell and the feel and the look, plus it's supremely durable) and I have spent hours at a time writing in it, especially lately. It's a different feeling, actually writing something out instead of typing. It seems to me to require more careful forethought and deliberation. When I'm typing, I can almost type at the speed of thought, but when I write, I'm really contemplating the space that I'm taking up on the page because it seeems like a more real space, while the space on an internet page seems like more a virtual space (that's the influence my philosophy class has on me).
I think technology makes too many things too easy and even though it makes it easier to keep in touch with people, I think it separates them just as much as it brings them together. I'm with Brian on this issue, and as such I've determined to not purchase an iPod, even if that means that I have to bring a separate small suitcase to carry some of my cd collection to Europe. iPods, in general, keep people entirely in their own worlds and away from everyone who is actually around them.
In an effort to fight this, I plan to have a good time tonight at the Oracle party and after party before being picked up by my dad tomorrow morning to celebrate my mom's graduation - she's getting her master's degree at the age of 51! I'm proud of her.
When I very first starting having a blog, I didn't really give out the address to many people and I also didn't really think about anyone but my friends reading it. And even though I knew that posting something on the internet meant that pretty much anyone could read what I write, I didn't really think anyone did. Until the other day. I got a comment from a lady who I've never met. It was a really nice comment, it's just that the effect of said comment was that I finally realized that whatever I write I'm putting out there for anyone to access. Which is fine, but it suddenly makes me feel and seem a tad more vulnerable than I had really realized before. Interesting. If the stuff I write in my blog seems dramatic sometimes though, man, you should see my real journal. Which you won't, because no one does. But it's much more detailed and in-depth. I love having my regular journal though. It's leather (which some people might be opposed to but I love the smell and the feel and the look, plus it's supremely durable) and I have spent hours at a time writing in it, especially lately. It's a different feeling, actually writing something out instead of typing. It seems to me to require more careful forethought and deliberation. When I'm typing, I can almost type at the speed of thought, but when I write, I'm really contemplating the space that I'm taking up on the page because it seeems like a more real space, while the space on an internet page seems like more a virtual space (that's the influence my philosophy class has on me).
I think technology makes too many things too easy and even though it makes it easier to keep in touch with people, I think it separates them just as much as it brings them together. I'm with Brian on this issue, and as such I've determined to not purchase an iPod, even if that means that I have to bring a separate small suitcase to carry some of my cd collection to Europe. iPods, in general, keep people entirely in their own worlds and away from everyone who is actually around them.
In an effort to fight this, I plan to have a good time tonight at the Oracle party and after party before being picked up by my dad tomorrow morning to celebrate my mom's graduation - she's getting her master's degree at the age of 51! I'm proud of her.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
what the heck
I think I read too much into things. I spend time analyzing everything in my head while trying to outwardly keep cool.
I'm afraid of too many things. I'm afraid of people not liking me, of people thinking I'm stupid or dishonest or mean or ugly or a loser. I worry that I'll do things wrong, that I won't be there for people the way they need me to be, that I can't hold myself together, that I'm splitting at the seams without realizing that the threads are coming unraveled.
I'm afraid of losing my temper about something stupid. I'm afraid of people being afraid of themselves or feeling about themselves the same way I feel about myself. I'm afraid that I'll fail at whatever I try to do and that I'll wind up stuck in a place that I can't get out of.
I'm usually pretty good at appearing to have it all pulled together but lately I'm too much on edge to take anything that's real.
This whole thing is a response to one tiny thing that could be easily construed as nothing if I didn't care so much about what everyone else thinks about me. Sometimes I hate ambiguity. I think I'm losing it. I want to go home.
I'm afraid of too many things. I'm afraid of people not liking me, of people thinking I'm stupid or dishonest or mean or ugly or a loser. I worry that I'll do things wrong, that I won't be there for people the way they need me to be, that I can't hold myself together, that I'm splitting at the seams without realizing that the threads are coming unraveled.
I'm afraid of losing my temper about something stupid. I'm afraid of people being afraid of themselves or feeling about themselves the same way I feel about myself. I'm afraid that I'll fail at whatever I try to do and that I'll wind up stuck in a place that I can't get out of.
I'm usually pretty good at appearing to have it all pulled together but lately I'm too much on edge to take anything that's real.
This whole thing is a response to one tiny thing that could be easily construed as nothing if I didn't care so much about what everyone else thinks about me. Sometimes I hate ambiguity. I think I'm losing it. I want to go home.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
have we hit rock bottom yet?
I need to sleep. It's hitting me now. I haven't in nights really but neither has anyone else, I guess. Plus I have had so much to get done that in a way, it's worked out okay that . Things are starting to clear out a little bit schoolwork-wise, but everyone else's lives (including my own) seem to just have crap piling up all over the place. I'm worried about other people, not really myself. I mean yeah, plenty of things are far from perfect in my life but I figure they have to get better eventually. At the moment, however, I can't see the forest for the trees. That isn't really an appropriate metaphor in this context, but it'll do.
Pretty sure I bombed my physics exam today. It's going to be a toss-up for which was worse: this one or the first one. But my average shouldn't really be that bad, and if I work hard I should be fine on the final, which will help bring me up a little. It's the only class I'm really very concerned about. It's too bad that I just got my grades and GPA where I wanted them and this semester is totally going to take me down, but I can't quite bring myself to care nearly as much as I used to. I'll pass, they'll be decent, and I'll go home.
Krystle and I started making plans for this summer last night. I think it was good therapy for both of us. I'm just afraid that it'll turn out like Christmas break where we ended up only seeing each other like twice. Hopefully that won't happen this time. I'm determined for us to see our plans through, even if it means going without sleep! Besides, I already know that I can go without sleep, so it's all good. We have plans for movies, dinners, sleepovers, abandoned buildings, and plenty of good stuff. I'm not sure what I'll do with myself for the week that I'm home and she isn't, but I'm sure I'll manage.
I don't really have that much to say today. I'm feeling drained and empty. I'm hoping that eventually I reach a point where I can feel comfortable posting some of the things I write on my own here on this blog, but that probably won't happen for awhile yet because I tend to keep most of what I write to myself. Most of it isn't very good but it's a good system of release for me, even if I am the only person who reads it.
Yesterday was an angry day for me. I felt enraged at the whole world and I wanted to throw things and yell and have a tantrum. Today's like the opposite - I'm just...blank. Counting days until I'm done with school and praying that things don't get any worse for anyone.
Pretty sure I bombed my physics exam today. It's going to be a toss-up for which was worse: this one or the first one. But my average shouldn't really be that bad, and if I work hard I should be fine on the final, which will help bring me up a little. It's the only class I'm really very concerned about. It's too bad that I just got my grades and GPA where I wanted them and this semester is totally going to take me down, but I can't quite bring myself to care nearly as much as I used to. I'll pass, they'll be decent, and I'll go home.
Krystle and I started making plans for this summer last night. I think it was good therapy for both of us. I'm just afraid that it'll turn out like Christmas break where we ended up only seeing each other like twice. Hopefully that won't happen this time. I'm determined for us to see our plans through, even if it means going without sleep! Besides, I already know that I can go without sleep, so it's all good. We have plans for movies, dinners, sleepovers, abandoned buildings, and plenty of good stuff. I'm not sure what I'll do with myself for the week that I'm home and she isn't, but I'm sure I'll manage.
I don't really have that much to say today. I'm feeling drained and empty. I'm hoping that eventually I reach a point where I can feel comfortable posting some of the things I write on my own here on this blog, but that probably won't happen for awhile yet because I tend to keep most of what I write to myself. Most of it isn't very good but it's a good system of release for me, even if I am the only person who reads it.
Yesterday was an angry day for me. I felt enraged at the whole world and I wanted to throw things and yell and have a tantrum. Today's like the opposite - I'm just...blank. Counting days until I'm done with school and praying that things don't get any worse for anyone.
Monday, May 09, 2005
time for another!
Yay...another pointless quiz that I'll be surprised if people actually read.
1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection?
Any of the musicals. Probably the Grease soundtrack is right up there.
2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
At school? Usually just orange juice or leftovers if I have them. At home, yogurt, fruit, pop, chocolate.
3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
The Fox and the Hound. I'm a sucka.
4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Ew. None. Unless I HAD to and then maybe a nose job or something small.
5. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
Being disliked, failing...
6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
I chew my lips and bite my nails.
7. Are you a pyromaniac?
No.
8. Do you have too many love interests?
Haha...not really. Just one that's pointless.
9. Do you know anyone famous?
Nope. At least not yet. I'm depending on Adam to write the great American novel and remedy that, though.
10. Describe your bed:
Blue down comforter, multicolored or pink sheets, corduroy pillows
12.Who would play you in a movie?
I have no clue...any suggestions?
13. Do you know how to play poker?
I wish I did.
14. What do you carry with you at all times?
My bag. It has my life inside.
15. What do you miss most about being a kid?
Being confident.
16. Are you happy with your given name?
I'm getting there. I HATED it when I was little. "T-Rex" was not my favorite nickname.
17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
Too much.
18. What color is your bedroom?
At home, the walls are bright blue, green, and yellow. My mom hates it.
19. What was the last song you were listening to?
nosmallwonder; megan's song
20. Have you ever been in a play?
yes indeedy
21. Have you ever been in love?
Yeah, I think so.
22. Do you talk a lot?
Depends on the situation. Sometimes I can't shut up and sometimes you can't pry a sentence out of my with a crowbar.
23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Sometimes.
24. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
No
25. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
I try to be.
26. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
As I'm single, it's not a problem.
27. What is your ideal marriage location?
Duluth. Outside.
28. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Guitar.
29. Favorite fabric?
Cotton and lace.
30. Something you love and hate?
junk food.
31. What kind of bedding do you use?
see question way above this one.
32. What's the one language you want to learn?
I'd love to know French.
33. How do you eat an apple?
Peel it, eat it. Simple.
34. What do you order at a bar?
I don't frequent them. But in England I did have a sex on the beach and liked it.
36. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
Just ears.
37. Do you have tattoos?
Nope.
38. Do you drive a stick?
No but I really wish I knew how.
39. Biggest turn off?
Vulgarity.
40. What's one trait you hate in a person?
Thinking you know me better than you do.
41. What kind of watch do you wear?
Uh...the kind on my cell phone.
42. Most frivolous purchase?
Too many.
43. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
More than I wish I was.
44. What do you cook the best?
I'm pretty awesome with a grill. And frozen pizza? Man, I rock at that.
45. Favorite writing instrument?
Pens.
46. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
Varies.
47. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Well, for a girl that's not too much of a challenge. I wear jeans and t-shirts a lot, so I guess yeah.
48. What's one car you will never buy?
Anything that gets like 6 miles to the gallon or something equally stupid.
49. What kind of books do you like to read?
Pretty much anything so long as it's well-written.
50. If you won the lottery what would you do?
Pay for school Buy a car. Savings.
51. Burial or cremation?
Cremation, I guess.
52. How many online journals do you read regularly?
A few...not a lot.
53. What's one thing you're a loser at?
Making friends and meeting people.
54. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
I try not to.
55. Do you cry in front of your friends?
Sometimes, but I don't like to.
56. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
Either standoffishly cold or shy.
57. What's one thing you like to do alone?
Listen to music. Dance around my room. Read. And yes, I know that's more than one.
58. Are you a giver or a taker?
Both.
59. When's the last time you cried?
About an hour ago or so.
60. Favorite communication method?
In person and IM. I suck at the phone.
61. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
not sure
62. Do you think you're cute?
Rarely
the end.
1. What is the geekiest part of your music collection?
Any of the musicals. Probably the Grease soundtrack is right up there.
2. What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?
At school? Usually just orange juice or leftovers if I have them. At home, yogurt, fruit, pop, chocolate.
3. What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?
The Fox and the Hound. I'm a sucka.
4. If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?
Ew. None. Unless I HAD to and then maybe a nose job or something small.
5. Do you have a completely irrational fear?
Being disliked, failing...
6. What is the little physical habit that gives away your insecure moments?
I chew my lips and bite my nails.
7. Are you a pyromaniac?
No.
8. Do you have too many love interests?
Haha...not really. Just one that's pointless.
9. Do you know anyone famous?
Nope. At least not yet. I'm depending on Adam to write the great American novel and remedy that, though.
10. Describe your bed:
Blue down comforter, multicolored or pink sheets, corduroy pillows
12.Who would play you in a movie?
I have no clue...any suggestions?
13. Do you know how to play poker?
I wish I did.
14. What do you carry with you at all times?
My bag. It has my life inside.
15. What do you miss most about being a kid?
Being confident.
16. Are you happy with your given name?
I'm getting there. I HATED it when I was little. "T-Rex" was not my favorite nickname.
17. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?
Too much.
18. What color is your bedroom?
At home, the walls are bright blue, green, and yellow. My mom hates it.
19. What was the last song you were listening to?
nosmallwonder; megan's song
20. Have you ever been in a play?
yes indeedy
21. Have you ever been in love?
Yeah, I think so.
22. Do you talk a lot?
Depends on the situation. Sometimes I can't shut up and sometimes you can't pry a sentence out of my with a crowbar.
23. Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?
Sometimes.
24. Do transient, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?
No
25. Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?
I try to be.
26. Do you spend more time with your girlfriend/boyfriend or your friends?
As I'm single, it's not a problem.
27. What is your ideal marriage location?
Duluth. Outside.
28. Which musical instrument do you wish you could play?
Guitar.
29. Favorite fabric?
Cotton and lace.
30. Something you love and hate?
junk food.
31. What kind of bedding do you use?
see question way above this one.
32. What's the one language you want to learn?
I'd love to know French.
33. How do you eat an apple?
Peel it, eat it. Simple.
34. What do you order at a bar?
I don't frequent them. But in England I did have a sex on the beach and liked it.
36. Have you ever pierced your body parts?
Just ears.
37. Do you have tattoos?
Nope.
38. Do you drive a stick?
No but I really wish I knew how.
39. Biggest turn off?
Vulgarity.
40. What's one trait you hate in a person?
Thinking you know me better than you do.
41. What kind of watch do you wear?
Uh...the kind on my cell phone.
42. Most frivolous purchase?
Too many.
43. Do you consider yourself materialistic?
More than I wish I was.
44. What do you cook the best?
I'm pretty awesome with a grill. And frozen pizza? Man, I rock at that.
45. Favorite writing instrument?
Pens.
46. Do you prefer to stand out or blend in?
Varies.
47. Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex?
Well, for a girl that's not too much of a challenge. I wear jeans and t-shirts a lot, so I guess yeah.
48. What's one car you will never buy?
Anything that gets like 6 miles to the gallon or something equally stupid.
49. What kind of books do you like to read?
Pretty much anything so long as it's well-written.
50. If you won the lottery what would you do?
Pay for school Buy a car. Savings.
51. Burial or cremation?
Cremation, I guess.
52. How many online journals do you read regularly?
A few...not a lot.
53. What's one thing you're a loser at?
Making friends and meeting people.
54. If you don't like a person, how do you show it?
I try not to.
55. Do you cry in front of your friends?
Sometimes, but I don't like to.
56. What kind of first impression do you think you give to people?
Either standoffishly cold or shy.
57. What's one thing you like to do alone?
Listen to music. Dance around my room. Read. And yes, I know that's more than one.
58. Are you a giver or a taker?
Both.
59. When's the last time you cried?
About an hour ago or so.
60. Favorite communication method?
In person and IM. I suck at the phone.
61. How many drinks before you're tipsy?
not sure
62. Do you think you're cute?
Rarely
the end.
things i never expected to hear
Today has been strange. In the last 24 hours, I learned something relatively insignificant that half of me wishes I hadn't learned and that the other half of me treasures. I'm not quite sure what to do with it yet.
I wanted to go for a walk with someone this afternoon but lacking any responses in time I went alone and it was really good actually. I found a tiny park that I didn't know about and I sat down with my journal and I wrote and wrote and wrote of what I was thinking and feeling and all of hte things I am terrified of forgetting. It was draining (funny how writing does that to me even though I'm not really a writer) but somewhat therapeutic and if nothing else it gave me a place to remember.
I don't want to go into details because the only people it will matter to are the few people who already know what's going on. Today has been the strangest day. It's been a very sad, thoughtful one for me for the most part, but tonight at the Oracle office it was also a happier one. The bulk of my day was spent in somewhat melancholy contemplation while tonight (up until now) was mostly spent in engaging conversation and happier reminiscing. Forgive the spelling if I have inaccuracies; I'm not in the absolute best state of mind right now and it's late. Not that the lateness matters. Last night I didn't go to bed until now and it took me at least an hour after that to fall asleep at all. It is interesting to note how little sleep I can function on. That knowledge is useful for now I know I can easily work two jobs this summer because where I used to worry about getting sleep I know now that I don't have to because I'm perfectly capable of functioning on a mechanical level without it.
Last night Malin and I went to Uptown and just hung out for quite awhile until it was fairly late. It was calming for me to be away from campus. I don't know why but living in Graham and/or Manney's old room especially with my roommate really weirds me out lately for no particularly good reason. I hope that whoever lives here next year works for the Oracle. It would only be rihgt. I may have mentioned this before but I am going to reiterate it anyway.
I'm sad that my last layout for this year is done. I hate the thought of working at the Oracle next year without Graham and Brian - it's inconcievable. How can we run it without them? I don't have any idea what I'm doing. I know next to nothing about layout or photoshop or any of the five hundred thousand things I ought to know. I'm afraid of trying to figure out what I'm doing after like 9 months.
But I should try to sleep. I'm always afraid my roommate is secretly awake and annoyed even though logically I know it'd take world war three to wake her up. Eugh. Oh well. I should try to sleep anyway. haha, good luck to me.
I wanted to go for a walk with someone this afternoon but lacking any responses in time I went alone and it was really good actually. I found a tiny park that I didn't know about and I sat down with my journal and I wrote and wrote and wrote of what I was thinking and feeling and all of hte things I am terrified of forgetting. It was draining (funny how writing does that to me even though I'm not really a writer) but somewhat therapeutic and if nothing else it gave me a place to remember.
I don't want to go into details because the only people it will matter to are the few people who already know what's going on. Today has been the strangest day. It's been a very sad, thoughtful one for me for the most part, but tonight at the Oracle office it was also a happier one. The bulk of my day was spent in somewhat melancholy contemplation while tonight (up until now) was mostly spent in engaging conversation and happier reminiscing. Forgive the spelling if I have inaccuracies; I'm not in the absolute best state of mind right now and it's late. Not that the lateness matters. Last night I didn't go to bed until now and it took me at least an hour after that to fall asleep at all. It is interesting to note how little sleep I can function on. That knowledge is useful for now I know I can easily work two jobs this summer because where I used to worry about getting sleep I know now that I don't have to because I'm perfectly capable of functioning on a mechanical level without it.
Last night Malin and I went to Uptown and just hung out for quite awhile until it was fairly late. It was calming for me to be away from campus. I don't know why but living in Graham and/or Manney's old room especially with my roommate really weirds me out lately for no particularly good reason. I hope that whoever lives here next year works for the Oracle. It would only be rihgt. I may have mentioned this before but I am going to reiterate it anyway.
I'm sad that my last layout for this year is done. I hate the thought of working at the Oracle next year without Graham and Brian - it's inconcievable. How can we run it without them? I don't have any idea what I'm doing. I know next to nothing about layout or photoshop or any of the five hundred thousand things I ought to know. I'm afraid of trying to figure out what I'm doing after like 9 months.
But I should try to sleep. I'm always afraid my roommate is secretly awake and annoyed even though logically I know it'd take world war three to wake her up. Eugh. Oh well. I should try to sleep anyway. haha, good luck to me.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
it's coming
I can feel the end of the year creeping up on me. Actually, it's not so much creeping as letting me know that it's approaching. It's very strange to think that in two weeks, I'll be halfway through with my college career. I should really be at the Oracle office right now, writing an editorial. But I have no good ideas. Or maybe that's an excuse and I'm just being really lazy. But no, that's not it either. I don't really feel qualified to write an editorial, to be honest. I am not a very good writer, except academically, and I don't know if I feel comfortable speaking for the Oracle staff, either. Hmm. I don't know. I am really going to have to work on my confidence issues, especially if I'm going to be a news editor next year and have people working under me. First I just have to figure out what the heck I'm doing.
My roommate has a real gift for complaining. I guess I do, too, but her stories go on and on and on. I'm like a guy on the phone right now, not really listening and saying "mm-hmm. mm-hmm." She's going on right now about some girl from her high school who she doesn't like - it was high school. I'm sorry but by now I think it's time to let most of that stuff go. Man, I HATED middle and most of high school but it's done now. I used to care so much but I just don't anymore. I have better things to worry about, I think. Which isn't to say that the way I felt at those times doesn't ever still affect me or matter to me, but I'm not hung up on it anymore. What's done is done in that respect. I should work on being a better friend, too. I am too selfish and I should work on that.
So many things to work on, so many things that suddenly seem important to be better at. For once, they're all not related to school. I've decided people skills are more important.
I'm starting to think this is actually going to be a good summer. I want to have many adventures, especially with Krystle. I want to read about a zillion books (I'm going to have to make a list and prioritize it, I think), listen to tons of new music, and be happier again. That's pretty much it. I may or may not get a second job as well. I probably ought to, but I will have to call the resort this week and see what they'll be paying me and what my hours will be. I know I'll be full-time, I just need to know which days I'll be working when and such.
Know what I hate? When people hear like ONE song by an artist that they like and then go around proclaiming "Oh, I just LOVE so-and-so!!! He's soooo amazing." When the truth is, they don't know if they like that band or guy or not because they've only heard one song, which may or may not be typical of that artist's style. I don't know what made me think of that. But I don't like it.
Last night I went to the Fulcrum release party/reading/whatever thing with Brian and Sean. It was a pretty good time; the snacks and coffee were good and I really enjoyed seeing some people. Like Lauren, who's always fun to see, and the Huellers, and Anne Claussen and Caro. They're all such nice people and are so fun and relaxing to talk with. I really enjoyed seeing them and having some good old-fashioned English major nerd conversation.
Anyway. I should get going and finish packing up some stuff. My parents had to go to Des Moines last night so they dropped off some boxes for me to pack up a bunch of my stuff and I'm almost done. It's weird, starting to pack up and knowing that I'll leave this little room in Manor. I find that I'm strangely attached to room 105. It's been my home for a year of more turbulence and ups and downs than any other that I have known, I think. And on that note, I'm off to pack up some more stuff.
My roommate has a real gift for complaining. I guess I do, too, but her stories go on and on and on. I'm like a guy on the phone right now, not really listening and saying "mm-hmm. mm-hmm." She's going on right now about some girl from her high school who she doesn't like - it was high school. I'm sorry but by now I think it's time to let most of that stuff go. Man, I HATED middle and most of high school but it's done now. I used to care so much but I just don't anymore. I have better things to worry about, I think. Which isn't to say that the way I felt at those times doesn't ever still affect me or matter to me, but I'm not hung up on it anymore. What's done is done in that respect. I should work on being a better friend, too. I am too selfish and I should work on that.
So many things to work on, so many things that suddenly seem important to be better at. For once, they're all not related to school. I've decided people skills are more important.
I'm starting to think this is actually going to be a good summer. I want to have many adventures, especially with Krystle. I want to read about a zillion books (I'm going to have to make a list and prioritize it, I think), listen to tons of new music, and be happier again. That's pretty much it. I may or may not get a second job as well. I probably ought to, but I will have to call the resort this week and see what they'll be paying me and what my hours will be. I know I'll be full-time, I just need to know which days I'll be working when and such.
Know what I hate? When people hear like ONE song by an artist that they like and then go around proclaiming "Oh, I just LOVE so-and-so!!! He's soooo amazing." When the truth is, they don't know if they like that band or guy or not because they've only heard one song, which may or may not be typical of that artist's style. I don't know what made me think of that. But I don't like it.
Last night I went to the Fulcrum release party/reading/whatever thing with Brian and Sean. It was a pretty good time; the snacks and coffee were good and I really enjoyed seeing some people. Like Lauren, who's always fun to see, and the Huellers, and Anne Claussen and Caro. They're all such nice people and are so fun and relaxing to talk with. I really enjoyed seeing them and having some good old-fashioned English major nerd conversation.
Anyway. I should get going and finish packing up some stuff. My parents had to go to Des Moines last night so they dropped off some boxes for me to pack up a bunch of my stuff and I'm almost done. It's weird, starting to pack up and knowing that I'll leave this little room in Manor. I find that I'm strangely attached to room 105. It's been my home for a year of more turbulence and ups and downs than any other that I have known, I think. And on that note, I'm off to pack up some more stuff.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
supremely emo poetry and thoughts
Last night at the awards gala, it was mistakenly announced that I had worked for the Oracle since my freshman year. I chuckled at the typical Hamline-esque error at the time, now I can't help but think how I wish that were true. I would've had that much more time with Graham, and Brian. And especially Manney, my memories of whom I know frantically try to keep close in fear of losing them. I snatch at them like so many Girl Scout cookies in front of me. That was a pretty poor reference. Oh well.
Allan and I are throwing notes back and forth. It's fun, but it was more fun when Mel was involved and they were all written on Post-its. I'm going to miss these people this summer. I wish so much I'd gotten to know them earlier.
I have a 5-page draft of a paper due for Shakespeare, and for some reason that is unfathomable even to me, I'm writing it on "The Tempest." And about Caliban. I've read and done more work on this play than any of Shakespeare's plays and I'm more sick of it than any other play, but here I am, writing more about it because I'm insane that way. It should be a decent paper, anyway, so long as I can spit out a draft tonight.
I saw Kari Fangel this morning. We talked about Manney and it was nice to be able to talk to another person (outside the world of the Oracle) who really understands how stupid and trivial the things that are important to others seem to me right now. She said that on that last day, he was happy and they'd done some shopping and he made plans for the next year and was excited at the prospect of perhaps returning to Germany eventually. In a way, I'm glad that he seemed happy that day. But on the other hand, it makes it even harder for me to understand why he did what he did. And I don't think there is any way for me to understand, and on some logical level I really, truly know that. But another part of me finds it impossible for me not to strain to make some sense of this and to try to understand how this happened. Because Manney, I still can't sleep at night. and random memories of you keep throwing themselves in my way every time I think I might be approaching a moment of normalcy. I've started lying to my mom because she wanted me to go see a doctor about not sleeping well, but I know it would be pointless. Besides which, I'm still functioning and operating. I'll be ok eventually and I'll just be tired in the meantime.
Well so much for not sounding emo. Speaking of which, Allan and I are writing the most ridiculously emo poem together, line by line, on a sheet of paper that we're throwing across the room like it's a note and we're in 7th grade. It's a somewhat morbid way to pass the time, but it fills it. I shall post it here for laughs:
my eyelids are like the petals of a dying flower
i feel my inner self turn and wilt
i am a sea of despair
let me engulf your shores
...i die
my grave is like a flowerbed in winter
frozen, cold, and lifeless
yet even in this grave, almost as shallow as my still-beating heart,
i find no rest
for it is only my soul that is barren and dead
my body goes through the motions of life as a zombie
hungering for other minds who understand this endless torment called life
no one can ever understand as i waste away
i feel my self-imposed solitary confinement create a vast gulf between myself and this earth as i wander it alone
its distance is now too great to bridge
my lonely exodus only magnifies this solitude, as ghosts pretending to be people
both surround and push me towards madness greater than any has ever known
the ghosts surround me now, pulling me down...
down...
into the abyss
never to be heard from again
as the last petal
falls
Allan and I are throwing notes back and forth. It's fun, but it was more fun when Mel was involved and they were all written on Post-its. I'm going to miss these people this summer. I wish so much I'd gotten to know them earlier.
I have a 5-page draft of a paper due for Shakespeare, and for some reason that is unfathomable even to me, I'm writing it on "The Tempest." And about Caliban. I've read and done more work on this play than any of Shakespeare's plays and I'm more sick of it than any other play, but here I am, writing more about it because I'm insane that way. It should be a decent paper, anyway, so long as I can spit out a draft tonight.
I saw Kari Fangel this morning. We talked about Manney and it was nice to be able to talk to another person (outside the world of the Oracle) who really understands how stupid and trivial the things that are important to others seem to me right now. She said that on that last day, he was happy and they'd done some shopping and he made plans for the next year and was excited at the prospect of perhaps returning to Germany eventually. In a way, I'm glad that he seemed happy that day. But on the other hand, it makes it even harder for me to understand why he did what he did. And I don't think there is any way for me to understand, and on some logical level I really, truly know that. But another part of me finds it impossible for me not to strain to make some sense of this and to try to understand how this happened. Because Manney, I still can't sleep at night. and random memories of you keep throwing themselves in my way every time I think I might be approaching a moment of normalcy. I've started lying to my mom because she wanted me to go see a doctor about not sleeping well, but I know it would be pointless. Besides which, I'm still functioning and operating. I'll be ok eventually and I'll just be tired in the meantime.
Well so much for not sounding emo. Speaking of which, Allan and I are writing the most ridiculously emo poem together, line by line, on a sheet of paper that we're throwing across the room like it's a note and we're in 7th grade. It's a somewhat morbid way to pass the time, but it fills it. I shall post it here for laughs:
my eyelids are like the petals of a dying flower
i feel my inner self turn and wilt
i am a sea of despair
let me engulf your shores
...i die
my grave is like a flowerbed in winter
frozen, cold, and lifeless
yet even in this grave, almost as shallow as my still-beating heart,
i find no rest
for it is only my soul that is barren and dead
my body goes through the motions of life as a zombie
hungering for other minds who understand this endless torment called life
no one can ever understand as i waste away
i feel my self-imposed solitary confinement create a vast gulf between myself and this earth as i wander it alone
its distance is now too great to bridge
my lonely exodus only magnifies this solitude, as ghosts pretending to be people
both surround and push me towards madness greater than any has ever known
the ghosts surround me now, pulling me down...
down...
into the abyss
never to be heard from again
as the last petal
falls
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
a small addition
i realized today that i've been getting my only hugs lately from malin. and while she gives excellent hugs, i'm pretty sure i need more of them. even if i seem somewhat hostile or shut off to all but myself, please hug me if you see me. i need them.
long day's journey into night
...and the emo subject titles continue.
I'm so tired. Not physically, really; I've actually been sleeping pretty decently in recent times. But I feel drained inside all the time. And I go around with myself pulled together - teeth brushed, makeup done, hair blow-dried, smile on my face - but I feel like such a fake for looking ok and normal when inside I'm still feeling messed up. But at this point I would also feel like if I went around with greasy hair and dishevelled appearance that I would just be asking for sympathy, which would be totally lame. I know Manney isn't coming back. But I can't seem to quite wrap my head around the fact that he's never going to come back through the doors of the Oracle office, wearing his funny sweater with his rumpled hair, with a smirk on his face and his knowing blue eyes mocking someone as he laughs at them. I can't understand that I'm never going to see him again. I wish I had done more to let him know how much I respected him and how much I appreciated what he wrote and thought and did. And now it's too late and i'll never be able to. I'm pretty sure I've said that somewhere else before. But there it is.
It turns out that not caring about my schoolwork is going okay. I threw my presentation for Philosophy together last night and I think it went reasonably well. I just have to type up some notes (which will be easy since I have a ton of passages marked) and turn them in and I'm basically done for that class then. And for my Shakespeare class, I just have to draft my 5-page paper, and for physics...well, I suck at physics but I don't actually have anything due until next week when I have nothing else going on anyway so I couldn't care less. And Crossing Borders? Please don't get me started.
I think it would be unfair to say that Manney's death has left me without the motivation to do schoolwork because that would be using him as an excuse. It's just that in the light of such enormous tragedy and sadness, schoolwork seems so not important right now.
Just being with people and forming relationships and letting people know how much I love them and how much they mean to me seems to be the only thing of real import right now. I'm a little sad for myself because now that the year's almost over, I'm just beginning to make some real connections with people and then I'll go home for the summer and then study abroad and when I get back, all those people will probably not be too interested in being my friend anymore and that makes me sad.
I wish I had managed to make myself make more friends earlier instead of always holding back. My thing has always been that if I just hold back and never quite tell people what's on my mind that I don't stand any chance of getting hurt. And while I guess that's true, it now seems like a really selfish and stupid way to go through life. I can't believe it's taken me twenty years to get to this poing and finally realize that putting myself out there is actually worth it in the long run. Geez I'm a loser. I just never used to believe that I was worth liking or loving. That sounds incredibly trite and cliche but is oh-so-true. Even up until a few months ago, I think I often really felt like I wasn't worth loving at all and that thought scares me now because I'm suddenly realizing how incredibly important it is to love and be loved and how much everyone deserves that. So yeah. Wow. I guess that's where I am. I've come a long way.
God is good. And He's teaching me a lot of things even though they sort of freak me out and even though they confuse me and I don't know what to do with some of my thoughts and feelings, I know that somehow even the most stupid of situations in my life will somehow work out. There's one situation inparticular that I really wish I knew how to resolve but I'm so lost in it that I'll just have to keep on thinking and praying and wondering until I figure it out.
I should be working on a rough draft of my Shakespeare paper. Or at least coming up with a topic, but that seems to be too complicated for me to handle tonight. I'd like to write something on Bianca in "The Taming of the Shrew" but there is like nothing written on her and coming up with all of it myself again would simply be too much effort. I just want to find an article to refute about someone in one of the plays we've read. Is that so much to ask?
I'm amazed at how antagonistic I can be lately. I feel so badly for my roommate but not badly enough to stop myself from being uncontrollably cranky when I get back to the room every night. I don't know if it's just somehow become a negative space for me or what, but I can hardly stand being in here if I'm not just facing away from everything with headphones on. Music is my current escape and it's working for me. It's hard for me to be with people who aren't like Oracle people right now, which is ridiculous and crazy and stupid, but that's the way it's been going. I'm half looking forward to summer immensely and half dreading it.
On the brighter side, I think I have gotten an internship for next spring already. I'm still waiting for the final phone call to confirm it, but odds are looking quite good that I'll be an intern at the Capitol next year, which would definitely be interesting.
That's all I've got tonight. I'm out.
I'm so tired. Not physically, really; I've actually been sleeping pretty decently in recent times. But I feel drained inside all the time. And I go around with myself pulled together - teeth brushed, makeup done, hair blow-dried, smile on my face - but I feel like such a fake for looking ok and normal when inside I'm still feeling messed up. But at this point I would also feel like if I went around with greasy hair and dishevelled appearance that I would just be asking for sympathy, which would be totally lame. I know Manney isn't coming back. But I can't seem to quite wrap my head around the fact that he's never going to come back through the doors of the Oracle office, wearing his funny sweater with his rumpled hair, with a smirk on his face and his knowing blue eyes mocking someone as he laughs at them. I can't understand that I'm never going to see him again. I wish I had done more to let him know how much I respected him and how much I appreciated what he wrote and thought and did. And now it's too late and i'll never be able to. I'm pretty sure I've said that somewhere else before. But there it is.
It turns out that not caring about my schoolwork is going okay. I threw my presentation for Philosophy together last night and I think it went reasonably well. I just have to type up some notes (which will be easy since I have a ton of passages marked) and turn them in and I'm basically done for that class then. And for my Shakespeare class, I just have to draft my 5-page paper, and for physics...well, I suck at physics but I don't actually have anything due until next week when I have nothing else going on anyway so I couldn't care less. And Crossing Borders? Please don't get me started.
I think it would be unfair to say that Manney's death has left me without the motivation to do schoolwork because that would be using him as an excuse. It's just that in the light of such enormous tragedy and sadness, schoolwork seems so not important right now.
Just being with people and forming relationships and letting people know how much I love them and how much they mean to me seems to be the only thing of real import right now. I'm a little sad for myself because now that the year's almost over, I'm just beginning to make some real connections with people and then I'll go home for the summer and then study abroad and when I get back, all those people will probably not be too interested in being my friend anymore and that makes me sad.
I wish I had managed to make myself make more friends earlier instead of always holding back. My thing has always been that if I just hold back and never quite tell people what's on my mind that I don't stand any chance of getting hurt. And while I guess that's true, it now seems like a really selfish and stupid way to go through life. I can't believe it's taken me twenty years to get to this poing and finally realize that putting myself out there is actually worth it in the long run. Geez I'm a loser. I just never used to believe that I was worth liking or loving. That sounds incredibly trite and cliche but is oh-so-true. Even up until a few months ago, I think I often really felt like I wasn't worth loving at all and that thought scares me now because I'm suddenly realizing how incredibly important it is to love and be loved and how much everyone deserves that. So yeah. Wow. I guess that's where I am. I've come a long way.
God is good. And He's teaching me a lot of things even though they sort of freak me out and even though they confuse me and I don't know what to do with some of my thoughts and feelings, I know that somehow even the most stupid of situations in my life will somehow work out. There's one situation inparticular that I really wish I knew how to resolve but I'm so lost in it that I'll just have to keep on thinking and praying and wondering until I figure it out.
I should be working on a rough draft of my Shakespeare paper. Or at least coming up with a topic, but that seems to be too complicated for me to handle tonight. I'd like to write something on Bianca in "The Taming of the Shrew" but there is like nothing written on her and coming up with all of it myself again would simply be too much effort. I just want to find an article to refute about someone in one of the plays we've read. Is that so much to ask?
I'm amazed at how antagonistic I can be lately. I feel so badly for my roommate but not badly enough to stop myself from being uncontrollably cranky when I get back to the room every night. I don't know if it's just somehow become a negative space for me or what, but I can hardly stand being in here if I'm not just facing away from everything with headphones on. Music is my current escape and it's working for me. It's hard for me to be with people who aren't like Oracle people right now, which is ridiculous and crazy and stupid, but that's the way it's been going. I'm half looking forward to summer immensely and half dreading it.
On the brighter side, I think I have gotten an internship for next spring already. I'm still waiting for the final phone call to confirm it, but odds are looking quite good that I'll be an intern at the Capitol next year, which would definitely be interesting.
That's all I've got tonight. I'm out.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
sigh
Haha. I just realized that many of my titles for blog posts (and indeed, many of my posts themselves) are so emo. But I'm an emo sort of girl, and it can't be helped, even though I would love to be way cooler than that. I'm afraid my lot in life has never been to be cool. Haha, not even close. I'm growing to embrace the concept that I'm going to be an emo nerd forever though.
Some people have blogs that are really introspective and thought-provoking and stimulating. I'm also not one of those people. My blog space is used primarily for sort of my free-writing. It's the only time that I write without actually really thinking about or analyizing my life or what's in it or what I'm thinking about. I just stumble over my words until my head is clearer and I let it go at that. It's a way for me to begin to sort out my thoughts without actually organizing them. I think it works because I can type fast enough to somewhat keep up with my random thoughts. When I write in my actual journal, I become much more introspective because I really ponder what it is that I'm writing but here I just have meaningless words flying across the page.
It's been a rough weekend. Manney's memorial service was on Saturday and I was surprised at how much I cried that day. I thought I had cried enough during the week to be able to hold myself together but I pretty much failed. I was so incredibly grateful for my few friends in attendance, especially Malin. I was relieved to have her at my house Friday night and incredibly comforted to have her by my side, feeling awkward along with me on Saturday. I can't even begin to explain how I felt for Graham and Manney's family. And I started thinking of all the things Manney would never get to do and it made me impossibly sad.
I then went to visit my grandparents, since Brian was kind enough to drop me off at their nursing home. My grandpa keeps talking about moving back to the lake and it worries me incredibly because after his stroke last summer, there's no way for him to live by himself and he refuses to see it. Then my parents told me that my aunt Robbie has pancreatic cancer (again). She had it once before and it miraculously went away but now it's back and I'm worried. She's had so many health problems over the years that I can't help wonder how long her body is going to hold out for. It's so unfair. She's such an amazing person, filled with grace and love and she's had such a hard life. Yet, if you asked her, she'd tell you how blessed she is. I am in awe of her.
And then lastly, I had to say my goodbyes to Joe who will be moving to Brazil soon. I can't even say much about that except that it sucked. I don't know when I'll ever see him again and I don't know what I'll ever do without him here.
So yeah. Not the best weekend. Now that I'm sure I've sufficiently depressed everyone, I'll be going.
Some people have blogs that are really introspective and thought-provoking and stimulating. I'm also not one of those people. My blog space is used primarily for sort of my free-writing. It's the only time that I write without actually really thinking about or analyizing my life or what's in it or what I'm thinking about. I just stumble over my words until my head is clearer and I let it go at that. It's a way for me to begin to sort out my thoughts without actually organizing them. I think it works because I can type fast enough to somewhat keep up with my random thoughts. When I write in my actual journal, I become much more introspective because I really ponder what it is that I'm writing but here I just have meaningless words flying across the page.
It's been a rough weekend. Manney's memorial service was on Saturday and I was surprised at how much I cried that day. I thought I had cried enough during the week to be able to hold myself together but I pretty much failed. I was so incredibly grateful for my few friends in attendance, especially Malin. I was relieved to have her at my house Friday night and incredibly comforted to have her by my side, feeling awkward along with me on Saturday. I can't even begin to explain how I felt for Graham and Manney's family. And I started thinking of all the things Manney would never get to do and it made me impossibly sad.
I then went to visit my grandparents, since Brian was kind enough to drop me off at their nursing home. My grandpa keeps talking about moving back to the lake and it worries me incredibly because after his stroke last summer, there's no way for him to live by himself and he refuses to see it. Then my parents told me that my aunt Robbie has pancreatic cancer (again). She had it once before and it miraculously went away but now it's back and I'm worried. She's had so many health problems over the years that I can't help wonder how long her body is going to hold out for. It's so unfair. She's such an amazing person, filled with grace and love and she's had such a hard life. Yet, if you asked her, she'd tell you how blessed she is. I am in awe of her.
And then lastly, I had to say my goodbyes to Joe who will be moving to Brazil soon. I can't even say much about that except that it sucked. I don't know when I'll ever see him again and I don't know what I'll ever do without him here.
So yeah. Not the best weekend. Now that I'm sure I've sufficiently depressed everyone, I'll be going.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
weirdness
I'm sitting here alone in the Oracle office. It's strange, I wouldn't have thought that I would want to be here by myself (actually I didn't think that I WOULD be here by myself; I was surprised that no one else was around) but now that I'm here I'm finding it hard to want to leave really. There's something bizarrely comforting to me about being here.
Part of me almost feels guilty for having such a hard time with Manney's death. We certainly weren't best friends or anything, but I always enjoyed talking with him and hanging out with him and knowing that I'm never going to see his blue eyes or hear him "choking on his soul" as he laughs leaves me empty. And the thing is, I know that I'll eventually reach a point where I'm okay. But right now I feel like my soul is just weighed down with darkness and grief, and for some reason part of me feels like I somehow don't DESERVE to feel that or something...which I know is a strange thought. I feel like I'm somehow using his death for an excuse for why I can't seem to focus on my homework long enough to accomplish anything or why I can barely drag myself to shower or to class in the morning, and that makes me feel a little guilty, like I somehow don't have the right to grieve this way, which on one level seems ridiculous to me and on the other, I can't seem to stop thinking it. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I don't know. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow wrong in how I feel, even though it's how I feel. That makes no sense, even to me.
I'm so glad to be out of my dorm room. I was getting spring fever before but now being stuck in that small messy space I feel like I can scarcely breathe. I shouldn't have listened to Dashboard earlier today; "breathing is a foreign task and thinking's just to much to ask" has been resounding in my head all day long since then. The whole song "The Brilliant Dance" has actually been an incredibly good one for how I've been feeling lately though. "the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep" is the perfect way to describe the way in which I've been unable to sleep or do much of anything the last couple of days.
I don't know. Maybe I'm starting to lose it. It's totally possible. Part of me doesn't even want to go to bed at all because it feels like a constant struggle to get my mind calm enough to even attempt to sleep. So many thoughts and ideas and memories and regrets go flashing through my brain when I let it stop for any extended period of time that I feel like everything running around in my head is constantly searching for a way out that doesn't exist. And so it just keeps running, running, running, looking for the outlet that was never installed.
I'm going to go try to do some more reading for my philosophy project. I can't not be doing something.
Part of me almost feels guilty for having such a hard time with Manney's death. We certainly weren't best friends or anything, but I always enjoyed talking with him and hanging out with him and knowing that I'm never going to see his blue eyes or hear him "choking on his soul" as he laughs leaves me empty. And the thing is, I know that I'll eventually reach a point where I'm okay. But right now I feel like my soul is just weighed down with darkness and grief, and for some reason part of me feels like I somehow don't DESERVE to feel that or something...which I know is a strange thought. I feel like I'm somehow using his death for an excuse for why I can't seem to focus on my homework long enough to accomplish anything or why I can barely drag myself to shower or to class in the morning, and that makes me feel a little guilty, like I somehow don't have the right to grieve this way, which on one level seems ridiculous to me and on the other, I can't seem to stop thinking it. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I don't know. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow wrong in how I feel, even though it's how I feel. That makes no sense, even to me.
I'm so glad to be out of my dorm room. I was getting spring fever before but now being stuck in that small messy space I feel like I can scarcely breathe. I shouldn't have listened to Dashboard earlier today; "breathing is a foreign task and thinking's just to much to ask" has been resounding in my head all day long since then. The whole song "The Brilliant Dance" has actually been an incredibly good one for how I've been feeling lately though. "the ringing from this empty sound is deafening and keeping you from sleep" is the perfect way to describe the way in which I've been unable to sleep or do much of anything the last couple of days.
I don't know. Maybe I'm starting to lose it. It's totally possible. Part of me doesn't even want to go to bed at all because it feels like a constant struggle to get my mind calm enough to even attempt to sleep. So many thoughts and ideas and memories and regrets go flashing through my brain when I let it stop for any extended period of time that I feel like everything running around in my head is constantly searching for a way out that doesn't exist. And so it just keeps running, running, running, looking for the outlet that was never installed.
I'm going to go try to do some more reading for my philosophy project. I can't not be doing something.
insomniac
I'm having so much trouble sleeping. Joe yelled at me to get to bed last night around 1 or 1:30, I think, and I went to bed but didn't fall asleep until about 2:30. Then I woke up at 5. And I kinda dozed on and off after that but no real sleeping took place. I'm so tired I divided 84 by 2 and got 41 in my physics lab today. Definitely not a good sign. And the thing is, I know that I'm going to be totally fine and I'm a lot more worried about other people than about myself, by far, but I can't sleep. Apparently it's a common thing; Mal and Mel and Ciara haven't really been able to either.
Everyone is being amazing though. I am so incredibly blessed with just the very best friends a girl could ever ask for. And they've all been so wonderfully supportive and helpful and I just love you all so much, if you're reading this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Now I do have to go to work today because I didn't yesterday and I know there's stuff waiting for me, but I hope everyone has a good day.
I'm at work now, tranferring this post from myspace to this blog, and my eye-hand coordination is definitely suffering as well. Typing is much harder than it has any right to be. I'm trying to type up some stuff for my boss and on a normal day I would be finished with it already. Bah. I hope I can sleep tonight.
Everyone is being amazing though. I am so incredibly blessed with just the very best friends a girl could ever ask for. And they've all been so wonderfully supportive and helpful and I just love you all so much, if you're reading this. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Now I do have to go to work today because I didn't yesterday and I know there's stuff waiting for me, but I hope everyone has a good day.
I'm at work now, tranferring this post from myspace to this blog, and my eye-hand coordination is definitely suffering as well. Typing is much harder than it has any right to be. I'm trying to type up some stuff for my boss and on a normal day I would be finished with it already. Bah. I hope I can sleep tonight.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
bad
things are very bad right now. a friend of mine who i worked with and had classes with and was supposed to hang out with this summer died this weekend. it's just a horrible situation from every angle. and i don't want to go into any details here because it seems like it would be somehow wrong to do that. but right now i'm just incredibly, incredibly sad and worried for others and overcome with the horribleness of it all, and i'm writing it here so that i have to explain some of it to fewer people and also just so that i can ask everyone to please be praying not just for me but more importantly for everyone involved in the situation, especially his family. it's just so very very sad and that's all i can say at all right now. god bless everyone.
Friday, April 22, 2005
crap
Crap, crap, crap. I hate worrying about my friends and I hate it when there is nothing I can do to make them feel better and I am totally useless. HATE it. One of my friends is not doing so well tonight and I would kill to be able to make things better but there is nothing I can do except perhaps try to visit this friend but that would be very tricky indeed. It might be possible, but I doubt they would want me to do it because it wouldn't be the cheapest thing I ever did. I wouldn't miss class though and I might be able to pull it off if I'm really lucky.
I realize this is totally vague but tonight that is kind of the point, I'm afraid. No naming of names and no details whatsoever, I'm just so incredibly upset that I can't know how to help. I have this sort of complex where I can't help wanting to always protect and take care of and fix things for the people I really love and care about and I just hate it when things go rotten. That's all I have for tonight; pretty unhappy I know, but I can't think of anything else significant right now. Blechh.
I realize this is totally vague but tonight that is kind of the point, I'm afraid. No naming of names and no details whatsoever, I'm just so incredibly upset that I can't know how to help. I have this sort of complex where I can't help wanting to always protect and take care of and fix things for the people I really love and care about and I just hate it when things go rotten. That's all I have for tonight; pretty unhappy I know, but I can't think of anything else significant right now. Blechh.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
sleeepy
Well I'm tired and I don't have a ton of time. But today was a pretty darn good day, as my days go. It was busy but I didn't have homework to work on tonight, and we actually had a pretty good time at our HIRC meeting making random cracks about different orders of business.
I also blushed for like an hour after getting a nice comment on my myspace account. I know, I know, myspace is kinda lame and junior-high-ish, but it's a GREAT way to hook up with new bands and music and stuff. Anyway, so the story goes that I posted a more recent picture of myself with my bangs and I have what I perceive to be extremely chipmunk-like cheeks in the picture. Well, a band for which I know one of the guys in posted a comment about the picture saying, "I have seen this hair walking around campus...and I will admit that I wonder if Hamline paid you for campus beautification. You should check in on that and see if you can make a buck or two in the process... : )" And even though it was corny and I'm not at all feeling all egotistic about this, it was such a nice thing to be said and raised my spirits for the entire day. Maybe it's sad that I feel I need such validation in any way, but when your self-esteem is where mine is, hey, every little bit helps.
Tomorrow is my last day of classes for this week- yay! Friday I'll be at a symposium with Lauren, which should be a pretty decent time and I won't be in Shakespeare or Physics, which will be nice. Of course, I still have my lab tomorrow, which I HATE, but oh well. What can a girl do?
Anyway, this is relatively short but I'm super tired. And Brit and I watched "Psycho" tonight and it has me a little creeped out yet so I think I'm going to take some sleeping aid pills just to make sure I make it all the way through the night. Yes, I KNOW I am a huge wimp, but I don't do suspense well at ALL. I'm proud of myself for actually watching the entire film and all the other Hitchcock we've been taking in lately. At least I'm making the effort.
Right. So. Bed's a-calling my name so off I go. Good night!
I also blushed for like an hour after getting a nice comment on my myspace account. I know, I know, myspace is kinda lame and junior-high-ish, but it's a GREAT way to hook up with new bands and music and stuff. Anyway, so the story goes that I posted a more recent picture of myself with my bangs and I have what I perceive to be extremely chipmunk-like cheeks in the picture. Well, a band for which I know one of the guys in posted a comment about the picture saying, "I have seen this hair walking around campus...and I will admit that I wonder if Hamline paid you for campus beautification. You should check in on that and see if you can make a buck or two in the process... : )" And even though it was corny and I'm not at all feeling all egotistic about this, it was such a nice thing to be said and raised my spirits for the entire day. Maybe it's sad that I feel I need such validation in any way, but when your self-esteem is where mine is, hey, every little bit helps.
Tomorrow is my last day of classes for this week- yay! Friday I'll be at a symposium with Lauren, which should be a pretty decent time and I won't be in Shakespeare or Physics, which will be nice. Of course, I still have my lab tomorrow, which I HATE, but oh well. What can a girl do?
Anyway, this is relatively short but I'm super tired. And Brit and I watched "Psycho" tonight and it has me a little creeped out yet so I think I'm going to take some sleeping aid pills just to make sure I make it all the way through the night. Yes, I KNOW I am a huge wimp, but I don't do suspense well at ALL. I'm proud of myself for actually watching the entire film and all the other Hitchcock we've been taking in lately. At least I'm making the effort.
Right. So. Bed's a-calling my name so off I go. Good night!
Monday, April 18, 2005
something stinks like a dirty rat on a wet day
Shoot. Darn, darn, darn. I just KNEW my incredibly good mood that I had experienced the last couple of days was too good to last. And now I'm back in a deeper funk than I was before, feeling more confused and unsure of myself on so many levels than I had thought I would. Grrr. And the worst part is that I can remember how happy I felt just yesterday afternoon, and then yesterday evening, gloom descended and I haven't quite been able to shake it since then.
My roommate is making me more and more crazy as the days go by. From being out in the sun yesterday and today I got a little bit pink. No serious burn at all, but just pinkish. And then today, she's poking my back where it's red and telling me how dumb I am to be burnt. Well, I wore sunscreen and I was outside TRYING to help HER with our physics, to little avail. And it just annoyed me that she was telling me it was unsafe to be a little sunburnt or whatever. It's not like I was aiming for pink. When I say I want my normally-pasty skin to have more color, what I usually mean is something in a light tan range, not from the pinks. And she tells me this, she who bikes all over St. Paul without wearing a helmet because "it makes her head too hot"? Ha. Whatevah.
I'm a little lonely today. Dangit I hate that about college. I love my profs, my classes, and all the awesome people around campus who I hang out with and talk to but it's so rare for me to find a person I can genuinely connect with and talk to about random nothings as well as serious topics and I really, really miss that lately. I don't have anyone to really truly TALK to here, and I think that's a big part of my melancholia tonight.
I wish I knew better how to make friends and gauge what people think of me. I'm always convinced that people think I'm just some dumb nutbag who they put up with out of charity rather than truly like. And that's probably actually really narcississtic of me, thinking that I weigh that much on other people's minds, but I've had something of a self-confidence crisis for as long as I can remember, just about. I wonder to myself, who ARE these unbelievable people who can just go up to other people and start talking to them without worrying about how they feel ugly or fat or worrying about their hair or clothes look or if they'll say the wrong thing or drop their bag or their sunglasses will fall off their heads or whatever? How does a person get to feel good enough about themselves to believe that they're worthy of friendship and love and trust? How does that happen, because I don't get it.
And how does a person know, really truly for sure KNOW when something is right or wrong for them? I don't want to get too specific here, but there's just some things that I've been doing so much thinking and praying about lately, to no end, and I still don't feel like I'm reaching any place of coherence or clarity. And I don't know if I should talk to someone else about these thoughts or if I should just continue working and thinking and praying and hoping that some kind of answer will eventually arrive...unless I've already gotten one and I'm just too dense to understand it one way or the other, or...arrgh. I don't even know what I'm saying on this subject anymore, so I'm giving up for tonight.
Anyway, this is a pretty heavy post now, I guess, but it felt good to just type for a few minutes without actually thinking about what I'm typing and just letting words and sentences fall out, even if some of them don't make much sense. I may go back to edit later, but for now I'm just going to let my random nothings sit as they have fallen. So. Yeah. 'Night.
My roommate is making me more and more crazy as the days go by. From being out in the sun yesterday and today I got a little bit pink. No serious burn at all, but just pinkish. And then today, she's poking my back where it's red and telling me how dumb I am to be burnt. Well, I wore sunscreen and I was outside TRYING to help HER with our physics, to little avail. And it just annoyed me that she was telling me it was unsafe to be a little sunburnt or whatever. It's not like I was aiming for pink. When I say I want my normally-pasty skin to have more color, what I usually mean is something in a light tan range, not from the pinks. And she tells me this, she who bikes all over St. Paul without wearing a helmet because "it makes her head too hot"? Ha. Whatevah.
I'm a little lonely today. Dangit I hate that about college. I love my profs, my classes, and all the awesome people around campus who I hang out with and talk to but it's so rare for me to find a person I can genuinely connect with and talk to about random nothings as well as serious topics and I really, really miss that lately. I don't have anyone to really truly TALK to here, and I think that's a big part of my melancholia tonight.
I wish I knew better how to make friends and gauge what people think of me. I'm always convinced that people think I'm just some dumb nutbag who they put up with out of charity rather than truly like. And that's probably actually really narcississtic of me, thinking that I weigh that much on other people's minds, but I've had something of a self-confidence crisis for as long as I can remember, just about. I wonder to myself, who ARE these unbelievable people who can just go up to other people and start talking to them without worrying about how they feel ugly or fat or worrying about their hair or clothes look or if they'll say the wrong thing or drop their bag or their sunglasses will fall off their heads or whatever? How does a person get to feel good enough about themselves to believe that they're worthy of friendship and love and trust? How does that happen, because I don't get it.
And how does a person know, really truly for sure KNOW when something is right or wrong for them? I don't want to get too specific here, but there's just some things that I've been doing so much thinking and praying about lately, to no end, and I still don't feel like I'm reaching any place of coherence or clarity. And I don't know if I should talk to someone else about these thoughts or if I should just continue working and thinking and praying and hoping that some kind of answer will eventually arrive...unless I've already gotten one and I'm just too dense to understand it one way or the other, or...arrgh. I don't even know what I'm saying on this subject anymore, so I'm giving up for tonight.
Anyway, this is a pretty heavy post now, I guess, but it felt good to just type for a few minutes without actually thinking about what I'm typing and just letting words and sentences fall out, even if some of them don't make much sense. I may go back to edit later, but for now I'm just going to let my random nothings sit as they have fallen. So. Yeah. 'Night.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
hmmm
My computer is weirdly slow this morning. I hope it doesn't have anything to do with my letting my roommate use it because hers is getting repaired. I don't think it should, because I don't think she's opened any stupid attachments or anything like that, but it makes me a little nervous. I know she would never intentionally do anything, but she doesn't know the most about computers and hers is getting repaired because she somehow got a virus on hers, so I'm not 100% comfortable with her using mine all the time, if that makes sense.
A good weekend. My mom came to see me on Friday and we got to chill in a hotel room (a VERY welcome change from my dorm room, I might add) and then yesterday we went and watched some state speech. Anton and Bernadette were both AMAZING. Anton did Allen Ginsberg's "America," which is one of my favorite poems ever, and he did an awesome job with it, and Bernadette got to sing in her prose piece (which gave her a slightly unfair advantage :) and was lovely as always. Jake Scott's creative rocked as well, though I don't know what was up with creative at state this year. I usually love watching creative at state, but this year I only thought three speeches were genuinely good. Very strange. I also got to see Mary, for about five minutes, which was also great. I wish we could've stayed longer, but Mom had to drive home still, so we didn't stick around for awards or anything.
Today I think I'm going to spend the afternoon outside, as long as the weather stays nice, and just do some reading. I don't have much homework to get done today; re-reading "A Midsummer Night's Dream" is about it. I should do some research for my Philosophy project, too.
For my Philosophy of Art class' final project, we're all supposed to pick an art form and look at it from the perspective of at least two theorists. Being the genius I am, I decided to "challenge myself" by examining the narrative structure. Why couldn't I have just picked, oh, I don't know, oil paintings or something? This project, I am realizing, is going to take a lot more time than I had originally anticipated. But I guess it should at least be interesting.
Oh yeah. I should mention that my renewed interest in posting has stemmed from Adam's comments and conversations with him. I promised him I would make a definite mention of him in my next post, as he felt hurt that my last post failed to mention his influence, so here it is. I post for Adam. Happy now?
Yeah, ok. My computer is DEFINITELY slower this morning...and that makes me nervous! It's taking iTunes forever just to let me listen to clips. I think I should run some of my anti-spyware and antivirus software now, just in case, so I'm going to go do that. It's entirely possible that I'm just paranoid (always a good bet in my case), but better to be safe than sorry in most instances.
Although in some cases, I think being safe is what makes a person wind up feeling sorry, at least I know it's true in my case for a couple of instances. But that's a whole other saga that will have to be saved for another day. Or probably never, because chances of my spilling that stuff to the world are pretty much slim to none. Anyway. Yeah. I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball, to borrow a phrase.
A good weekend. My mom came to see me on Friday and we got to chill in a hotel room (a VERY welcome change from my dorm room, I might add) and then yesterday we went and watched some state speech. Anton and Bernadette were both AMAZING. Anton did Allen Ginsberg's "America," which is one of my favorite poems ever, and he did an awesome job with it, and Bernadette got to sing in her prose piece (which gave her a slightly unfair advantage :) and was lovely as always. Jake Scott's creative rocked as well, though I don't know what was up with creative at state this year. I usually love watching creative at state, but this year I only thought three speeches were genuinely good. Very strange. I also got to see Mary, for about five minutes, which was also great. I wish we could've stayed longer, but Mom had to drive home still, so we didn't stick around for awards or anything.
Today I think I'm going to spend the afternoon outside, as long as the weather stays nice, and just do some reading. I don't have much homework to get done today; re-reading "A Midsummer Night's Dream" is about it. I should do some research for my Philosophy project, too.
For my Philosophy of Art class' final project, we're all supposed to pick an art form and look at it from the perspective of at least two theorists. Being the genius I am, I decided to "challenge myself" by examining the narrative structure. Why couldn't I have just picked, oh, I don't know, oil paintings or something? This project, I am realizing, is going to take a lot more time than I had originally anticipated. But I guess it should at least be interesting.
Oh yeah. I should mention that my renewed interest in posting has stemmed from Adam's comments and conversations with him. I promised him I would make a definite mention of him in my next post, as he felt hurt that my last post failed to mention his influence, so here it is. I post for Adam. Happy now?
Yeah, ok. My computer is DEFINITELY slower this morning...and that makes me nervous! It's taking iTunes forever just to let me listen to clips. I think I should run some of my anti-spyware and antivirus software now, just in case, so I'm going to go do that. It's entirely possible that I'm just paranoid (always a good bet in my case), but better to be safe than sorry in most instances.
Although in some cases, I think being safe is what makes a person wind up feeling sorry, at least I know it's true in my case for a couple of instances. But that's a whole other saga that will have to be saved for another day. Or probably never, because chances of my spilling that stuff to the world are pretty much slim to none. Anyway. Yeah. I'm out like a fat kid in dodgeball, to borrow a phrase.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
turnaround
I woke up crabby this morning only to find that it was impossible to stay so. Today was a rare and amazing day, in which everything seemed so bright and so beautiful that it was utterly impossible for me to be angry about anything.
The first good thing (and slightly scary thing) was that I found out today that I was a finalist in a statewide undergraduate Shakespeare competition and that I will be presenting my paper next weekend at a conference at the U of M, and my friend Lauren (who's in my Shakespeare class) WON the contest, which is lovely and amazing! I am so excited for her and glad that we will be at the conference together. Now that the initial excitement has worn off, I'm a little scared, because there are some major scholars/speakers there (from Stanford, Berkeley, Columbia, etc.) and I can't help thinking that I'll either totally screw up in the presentation of my paper or that everyone there will just be thinking, "This piece of crap was a finalist?" But I am, nonetheless, happy, because I rather liked the essay I wrote that was submitted even though I ought to have spent more time on it. I think I really am the most unbelievably nerdy English nerd in the world to be so very excited and nervous about this, but hey, that's me.
The second good thing was just the weather and overall mood of the day. Today was the perfect mixture of sunshine and happiness and flowers and tree buds and clean, spring scent. The entire campus - nay, the entire world - seemed too beautiful and untainted today for me to be upset about anything. These days, it ought to be noted, come very few and far between for me. Usually, I can't stop thinking about all of the things that are wrong and terrible and injust in the world. But days like today seem to just about make up for the two hundred or so days in between. All I could think today was, "God is so, so good!" Because He really IS, I think, and I forget that all too often, because there are so many non-good things that happen so frequently to so many people.
I also had my interview for the Oracle for next year today. I'm a bit nervous at the thought of being a news editor, but I think I could handle it. Not that there's any certainty whatsoever that I'll get the position, of course, but I think I have a fairly good shot at it. And I would, quite frankly, be happy in any editing position (except, perhaps, sports) as long as I could keep working there because as much as I hate the late nights and begging people to write stuff sometimes, I do love the people and atmosphere, and it's good experience, as well.
Lena and I keep promising one another that we won't get married for years because we cannot imagine doing it at this stage of life and are terrified we'll be the only single ones left soon. Haha, not really, but at times...well, I'll just leave it at that. It's a fun bargain, anyway, and at least we have someone to be single with all teh time, even if we live hours and hours apart from one another. That's okay. Friendship knows no bounds, my friends. I don't know where that corny line came from. I thought I had rid myself of cliches by now, but clearly, there is yet work to be done.
Speaking of which, I really must go eat something and get some physics out of the way or else I will absolutely choke when it comes time for my exam on Friday. Have a lovely night, all.
The first good thing (and slightly scary thing) was that I found out today that I was a finalist in a statewide undergraduate Shakespeare competition and that I will be presenting my paper next weekend at a conference at the U of M, and my friend Lauren (who's in my Shakespeare class) WON the contest, which is lovely and amazing! I am so excited for her and glad that we will be at the conference together. Now that the initial excitement has worn off, I'm a little scared, because there are some major scholars/speakers there (from Stanford, Berkeley, Columbia, etc.) and I can't help thinking that I'll either totally screw up in the presentation of my paper or that everyone there will just be thinking, "This piece of crap was a finalist?" But I am, nonetheless, happy, because I rather liked the essay I wrote that was submitted even though I ought to have spent more time on it. I think I really am the most unbelievably nerdy English nerd in the world to be so very excited and nervous about this, but hey, that's me.
The second good thing was just the weather and overall mood of the day. Today was the perfect mixture of sunshine and happiness and flowers and tree buds and clean, spring scent. The entire campus - nay, the entire world - seemed too beautiful and untainted today for me to be upset about anything. These days, it ought to be noted, come very few and far between for me. Usually, I can't stop thinking about all of the things that are wrong and terrible and injust in the world. But days like today seem to just about make up for the two hundred or so days in between. All I could think today was, "God is so, so good!" Because He really IS, I think, and I forget that all too often, because there are so many non-good things that happen so frequently to so many people.
I also had my interview for the Oracle for next year today. I'm a bit nervous at the thought of being a news editor, but I think I could handle it. Not that there's any certainty whatsoever that I'll get the position, of course, but I think I have a fairly good shot at it. And I would, quite frankly, be happy in any editing position (except, perhaps, sports) as long as I could keep working there because as much as I hate the late nights and begging people to write stuff sometimes, I do love the people and atmosphere, and it's good experience, as well.
Lena and I keep promising one another that we won't get married for years because we cannot imagine doing it at this stage of life and are terrified we'll be the only single ones left soon. Haha, not really, but at times...well, I'll just leave it at that. It's a fun bargain, anyway, and at least we have someone to be single with all teh time, even if we live hours and hours apart from one another. That's okay. Friendship knows no bounds, my friends. I don't know where that corny line came from. I thought I had rid myself of cliches by now, but clearly, there is yet work to be done.
Speaking of which, I really must go eat something and get some physics out of the way or else I will absolutely choke when it comes time for my exam on Friday. Have a lovely night, all.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
ugh
Bad weekend. baaaaad. For so very many different reasons that I shall not take the time to recount here, this will definitely go down as one of my worst weekends. Yechh. With the exception, of course, of the very fine weather we've been having, which did help a little. I did some homework and some napping in the sun, which was very enjoyable, but I'm a mess. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and thought, "oh. dear. heaven. What has become of me?" I don't know what's wrong...it's like one minute things seem to be great and the next I feel like there are so many things wrong with the world and especially with ME that there is no way for things to be right again. So much I would like to work on and change about my life and it all has to be accomplished in small steps and I get so incredibly frustrated with those small steps.
This is probably coming off as a rather cryptic post, because only like two people have any idea what I'm talking about specifically, but in general I just wish on some days that I could be an entirely different person. I try, I really do, and sometimes I just screw up so much I get so frustrated with myself.
Aaargh. I need to work on my Shakespeare presentation, which I have to give tomorrow and which I am still fully not prepared for. So away I go.
This is probably coming off as a rather cryptic post, because only like two people have any idea what I'm talking about specifically, but in general I just wish on some days that I could be an entirely different person. I try, I really do, and sometimes I just screw up so much I get so frustrated with myself.
Aaargh. I need to work on my Shakespeare presentation, which I have to give tomorrow and which I am still fully not prepared for. So away I go.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
i am a bear of very little Brain
Not much to report today. A rather lackluster day, all in all, with the exception of a wild and crazy but brief shopping trip with the roomie. We manage to get ourselves into absolutely the most ridiculous situations sometimes. How was I supposed to know that if you do the self-check-out at the grocery store, the sensors can tell if you remove a full bag of groceries and then gets mad at you for removing items from the loading area? How on earth was I supposed to know that? And then we get to the vehicle and Brit thinks she's lost her keys, and surprise! they're in the ignition. Seriously, we cannot live together any more after this year.
I have still not been able to stop listening to my Mae cd. It gets better every single time. I'm afraid that if I continue to listen to it nonstop, I will get sick of it, and that would stink because it's so amazingly good, which is why I'm willing to risk getting sick of it.
I'm pretty excited at the prospect of having the dorm room all to myself for the weekend. I love Brit and she is a very good roommate, but a few days of solitude are sounding really good right now. I had a fantastic spring break and I loved every minute of it, but I've been so caught up in so many things lately that there's just been no down time for myself, so that should be nice.
Still haven't gotten a hold of the resort yet. I really must attend to that.
"Attend to that"? What am I, some kind of pretentious English major nerd....oh wait. Yeah. That's right. I am. But "attend to that"? I think it's a sign that I've been reading far too much Shakespeare to be of any use to anyone. I'm so sick of "Othello," but next up is "The Tempest," which I just read last semester at might hurl at the mere thought of reading yet AGAIN. Yechh. I hate Prospero, I think he's a jerk. But anyway, I guess that doesn't really have much relevance to my actual life.
At least the weather was nice today. I wouldn't mind it warming up just a tad, but the sunshine has definitely done me good. I'm still feeling pretty apathetic about a lot of things, but it's harder to be melancholy when the sun is shining and tulips are growing. It makes being a cynic much harder.
On that note, I'm out for the night. I still have some research to do for my Shakespeare class and I ought to study for my physics quiz, so away I go.
I have still not been able to stop listening to my Mae cd. It gets better every single time. I'm afraid that if I continue to listen to it nonstop, I will get sick of it, and that would stink because it's so amazingly good, which is why I'm willing to risk getting sick of it.
I'm pretty excited at the prospect of having the dorm room all to myself for the weekend. I love Brit and she is a very good roommate, but a few days of solitude are sounding really good right now. I had a fantastic spring break and I loved every minute of it, but I've been so caught up in so many things lately that there's just been no down time for myself, so that should be nice.
Still haven't gotten a hold of the resort yet. I really must attend to that.
"Attend to that"? What am I, some kind of pretentious English major nerd....oh wait. Yeah. That's right. I am. But "attend to that"? I think it's a sign that I've been reading far too much Shakespeare to be of any use to anyone. I'm so sick of "Othello," but next up is "The Tempest," which I just read last semester at might hurl at the mere thought of reading yet AGAIN. Yechh. I hate Prospero, I think he's a jerk. But anyway, I guess that doesn't really have much relevance to my actual life.
At least the weather was nice today. I wouldn't mind it warming up just a tad, but the sunshine has definitely done me good. I'm still feeling pretty apathetic about a lot of things, but it's harder to be melancholy when the sun is shining and tulips are growing. It makes being a cynic much harder.
On that note, I'm out for the night. I still have some research to do for my Shakespeare class and I ought to study for my physics quiz, so away I go.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
phwooragh
Hmph. Well, here I am, 8:30 at the Oracle office and no John. Not that it's that big of a deal, but I assured him I'd be here by 8 so that we could talk about his letter to the editor issue and now he fails to show. Oh well, it's still all for the best because I can get some early layout done tonight and then I'll know how much space to beg people to fill anyway, so I guess it all makes sense.
I've been drifting through life lately, not really focusing on much of anything. I really need to snap out of that if I'm going to even come close to getting through my classes this semester with any kind of grace. Sad thing is, the only things I really seem to care about lately are the Oracle and my philosophy class. I did do really well on that midterm, so that's a little reassuring, and I've chosen a topic for my final presentation, but of course I had to go and choose a ridiculously complicated topic. I couldn't choose a certain type of sculpture to scrutinize or something, oh no, I had to go and decide to philosophically dissect the narrative in literature, using at least one traditional and one non-traditional narrative (like Balzac and Grass or something). Sigh. How do I get myself into these things?
I had a rather depressing realization today as well. I realized I don't have a best friend. I don't think I've had one in years and years, maybe even ever. The person I've always considered my best friend invariably has someone else for a best friend. What does that say about me? Might it perhaps be indicitave of my own inability to be a best friend, or is that just my own somewhat rotten luck that I just haven't happened to have one? Hmm. I wonder. It was a rather disconcerting realization nonetheless.
Everyone I know lately seems to be either getting married or at least hooking up with someone ELSE I know. Sheesh. Some people I didn't even know about until like today. oy. I'm out of the loop, I guess, or have been. I feel quite a few of my friends sort of starting to drift away a bit. It's funny, because whenever I'm home, people ask me how Mary is doing like I should know, and perhaps I should, but honestly, right now I have no idea how she really is. I don't feel like we've had a genuinely good talk for ages. And it's neither of our faults, really, I don't think, but it's happening and there it is and there you have it.
I should really be working on layout instead of this, so that Brit and I can go to the midnight show of Sin City tomorrow night, which I really want to do because it looks like a pretty cool movie. She's going to Chicago for a mini-break this weekend, so I'll also have the dorm room all to myself for a couple days, which should be nice. I want to do some major cleaning. I haven't even unpacked my suitcase from last week yet because I want to rearrange a ton of stuff in the room before I do. My closet and bureau space need some serious readjustment. Not like anyone needed to know that, but I figured I might as well share.
As much as I'm going to be working this summer, I'm actually getting sort of excited for it to arrive. Because the nice thing about summer jobs is that I don't have to take them home with me. I mean, yeah, I work 8 hours straight at the resort with not even so much as a lunch break, but then it's DONE. No homework, no papers, no projects, no planning- and who knows, maybe I'll even have a little bit of time for fun things as well. And since I'll have virtually no friends around until Manney gets back from Germany like in August, I should be able to get plenty of summer reading done. I should start making a list soon. I make a list every summer and I never get through the entire thing, but I'm hoping that this summer I'll manage.
Yeah. Well, this is getting really long again because I am pretty much just avoiding my two blank newspaper pages staring at me from behind this window, so I'm going to take care of that now.
I've been drifting through life lately, not really focusing on much of anything. I really need to snap out of that if I'm going to even come close to getting through my classes this semester with any kind of grace. Sad thing is, the only things I really seem to care about lately are the Oracle and my philosophy class. I did do really well on that midterm, so that's a little reassuring, and I've chosen a topic for my final presentation, but of course I had to go and choose a ridiculously complicated topic. I couldn't choose a certain type of sculpture to scrutinize or something, oh no, I had to go and decide to philosophically dissect the narrative in literature, using at least one traditional and one non-traditional narrative (like Balzac and Grass or something). Sigh. How do I get myself into these things?
I had a rather depressing realization today as well. I realized I don't have a best friend. I don't think I've had one in years and years, maybe even ever. The person I've always considered my best friend invariably has someone else for a best friend. What does that say about me? Might it perhaps be indicitave of my own inability to be a best friend, or is that just my own somewhat rotten luck that I just haven't happened to have one? Hmm. I wonder. It was a rather disconcerting realization nonetheless.
Everyone I know lately seems to be either getting married or at least hooking up with someone ELSE I know. Sheesh. Some people I didn't even know about until like today. oy. I'm out of the loop, I guess, or have been. I feel quite a few of my friends sort of starting to drift away a bit. It's funny, because whenever I'm home, people ask me how Mary is doing like I should know, and perhaps I should, but honestly, right now I have no idea how she really is. I don't feel like we've had a genuinely good talk for ages. And it's neither of our faults, really, I don't think, but it's happening and there it is and there you have it.
I should really be working on layout instead of this, so that Brit and I can go to the midnight show of Sin City tomorrow night, which I really want to do because it looks like a pretty cool movie. She's going to Chicago for a mini-break this weekend, so I'll also have the dorm room all to myself for a couple days, which should be nice. I want to do some major cleaning. I haven't even unpacked my suitcase from last week yet because I want to rearrange a ton of stuff in the room before I do. My closet and bureau space need some serious readjustment. Not like anyone needed to know that, but I figured I might as well share.
As much as I'm going to be working this summer, I'm actually getting sort of excited for it to arrive. Because the nice thing about summer jobs is that I don't have to take them home with me. I mean, yeah, I work 8 hours straight at the resort with not even so much as a lunch break, but then it's DONE. No homework, no papers, no projects, no planning- and who knows, maybe I'll even have a little bit of time for fun things as well. And since I'll have virtually no friends around until Manney gets back from Germany like in August, I should be able to get plenty of summer reading done. I should start making a list soon. I make a list every summer and I never get through the entire thing, but I'm hoping that this summer I'll manage.
Yeah. Well, this is getting really long again because I am pretty much just avoiding my two blank newspaper pages staring at me from behind this window, so I'm going to take care of that now.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
busy busy like a bee in summer
:: sigh :: Adam is right. I DON'T do much of anything. Not that he's exactly been Mr. Exemplary poster lately himself, but whatever. Tonight, I realize, I would pretty much rather be doing anything other than still struggling with my physics, so it's all good. I just get so incredibly frustrated with how incredibly stupid I am when it comes to that class. I genuinely have absolutely no talent for it. And I hate that. Usually, if there's a class I'm not much good in (Macroeconomics and Calculus come to mind), I just put in a little extra time and effort and I wind up being just fine, but such is not the case here.
In any case, at least I had a good spring break. Spending time in London with Krystle was wonderful. Dangit I miss that girl. She's one of the very few friends I have that I can talk to without worrying about her being at all judgmental. She lets me get away with being more annoying and stupid than I actually have any right to be and doesn't even seem to ever be bothered by it.
Jake Scott and I came up with a brilliant plan to run away from our troubles and go live at the big rock candy mountain, but our plan was foiled when we remembered that the aforementioned place is, after all, fictional. Sweet, I worked the word "aforementioned" into my post. Very nice. It's one of my favorite words and I have no idea why. Anyway, yeah, it's too bad I don't have anyplace to run away to. Gotta love that kid though, he always makes me laugh. Not an easy task sometimes these days, either.
Another shout-out happy birthday to Peter Lund. I feel like I'm pushing his birthday excessively, but I like my friends to have very happy birthdays, and so if you are Pete's friends and have yet to wish him a happy one, hop to it. You've only got a couple of hours to go before it's officially over.
Speaking of hopping, I dug into some of my Easter candy today and the hollow bunny my mom got me this year is truly disgusting. I was extremely disappointed; I usually have a top-notch bunny in the basket, but this year, something went terribly, horribly wrong, and it wound up tasting slightly of rubber. And although I LOVE my mother, I really with that just ONE year she could remember that it's the Cadbury Creme eggs that I love, not the Caramel ones. But she tries, she really does. She just forgets.
This Saturday when I had people over at my house, Adam, Pete, and Trevor kept a thread running throughout the evening of making up random things they have purportedly read/heard about Rammstein. Funny, funny, funny boys. All week some of the things they said have been jumping into my head and making me laugh at wildly inappropriate times, like today in my physics lab. I think Ben and Darren think I'm just a little bit crazy, but that's ok. They aren't far off the mark.
I also got the new CD today from a band called Mae, and it is amazing. I have literally not been able to stop listening to it for hours now. It's already a worthwhile investment; I will be getting tons of wear out of this one. Best record I've bought in ages. And it's a fully themed actual album. All the songs flow together beautifully, and they have a funny little prologue and epilogue, and special art for the booklet, and all kinds of good stuff. Brilliant.
Tomorrow Brit and I are doing a shopping run- hurray. She has a vehicle this week, and it's really nice having a roommate with a car. I'm loving it. Truthfully, it's a LandRover, I think she would kill me for calling it a car, but you get the idea.
I suppose I should suck it up soon and let the resort know that I will be back this summer. I really don't want to be at home but there's nothing else. I found out today that I was totally rejected for the internship that I applied for- I didn't even get an interview. Oh well. First time for everything, I suppose. It's the first job I've ever applied for and not gotten, much less not even gotten interviewed for, which has been nagging me all day but oh well. Nothing I can do about it. Now I just need to find another job, part-time, to fill up the rest of my days. I had better pray I don't get sick this summer, or with two jobs I will be in big trouble. Hopefully I'll at least be getting a raise at the resort, that would definitely soften the blow a bit. And I'll have no Shari this summer to help me pass the time, sadly. I loved working with Shari; she's one of the funniest ladies ever.
I think I use semicolons too much. In this fabulous book called "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" the author discusses how there are two types of writers - those who refuse to use semicolons and consider them a degenerate form of punctuation, and those who have to forcibly restrict themselves from using one in every sentence. I, I'm afraid, fall completely into the latter category. I love semicolons. They're such convenient little punctuation marks.
Wow. Could I BE any more nerdy of an English major? I find it hard to believe that I could.
But this post is getting quite long (ought to satisfy Adam) and I'm off to do devotions, finish physics, and get some sleep. I'm still worn out from my spring break, I think, even though that seems ridiculous. Cheers, all.
In any case, at least I had a good spring break. Spending time in London with Krystle was wonderful. Dangit I miss that girl. She's one of the very few friends I have that I can talk to without worrying about her being at all judgmental. She lets me get away with being more annoying and stupid than I actually have any right to be and doesn't even seem to ever be bothered by it.
Jake Scott and I came up with a brilliant plan to run away from our troubles and go live at the big rock candy mountain, but our plan was foiled when we remembered that the aforementioned place is, after all, fictional. Sweet, I worked the word "aforementioned" into my post. Very nice. It's one of my favorite words and I have no idea why. Anyway, yeah, it's too bad I don't have anyplace to run away to. Gotta love that kid though, he always makes me laugh. Not an easy task sometimes these days, either.
Another shout-out happy birthday to Peter Lund. I feel like I'm pushing his birthday excessively, but I like my friends to have very happy birthdays, and so if you are Pete's friends and have yet to wish him a happy one, hop to it. You've only got a couple of hours to go before it's officially over.
Speaking of hopping, I dug into some of my Easter candy today and the hollow bunny my mom got me this year is truly disgusting. I was extremely disappointed; I usually have a top-notch bunny in the basket, but this year, something went terribly, horribly wrong, and it wound up tasting slightly of rubber. And although I LOVE my mother, I really with that just ONE year she could remember that it's the Cadbury Creme eggs that I love, not the Caramel ones. But she tries, she really does. She just forgets.
This Saturday when I had people over at my house, Adam, Pete, and Trevor kept a thread running throughout the evening of making up random things they have purportedly read/heard about Rammstein. Funny, funny, funny boys. All week some of the things they said have been jumping into my head and making me laugh at wildly inappropriate times, like today in my physics lab. I think Ben and Darren think I'm just a little bit crazy, but that's ok. They aren't far off the mark.
I also got the new CD today from a band called Mae, and it is amazing. I have literally not been able to stop listening to it for hours now. It's already a worthwhile investment; I will be getting tons of wear out of this one. Best record I've bought in ages. And it's a fully themed actual album. All the songs flow together beautifully, and they have a funny little prologue and epilogue, and special art for the booklet, and all kinds of good stuff. Brilliant.
Tomorrow Brit and I are doing a shopping run- hurray. She has a vehicle this week, and it's really nice having a roommate with a car. I'm loving it. Truthfully, it's a LandRover, I think she would kill me for calling it a car, but you get the idea.
I suppose I should suck it up soon and let the resort know that I will be back this summer. I really don't want to be at home but there's nothing else. I found out today that I was totally rejected for the internship that I applied for- I didn't even get an interview. Oh well. First time for everything, I suppose. It's the first job I've ever applied for and not gotten, much less not even gotten interviewed for, which has been nagging me all day but oh well. Nothing I can do about it. Now I just need to find another job, part-time, to fill up the rest of my days. I had better pray I don't get sick this summer, or with two jobs I will be in big trouble. Hopefully I'll at least be getting a raise at the resort, that would definitely soften the blow a bit. And I'll have no Shari this summer to help me pass the time, sadly. I loved working with Shari; she's one of the funniest ladies ever.
I think I use semicolons too much. In this fabulous book called "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" the author discusses how there are two types of writers - those who refuse to use semicolons and consider them a degenerate form of punctuation, and those who have to forcibly restrict themselves from using one in every sentence. I, I'm afraid, fall completely into the latter category. I love semicolons. They're such convenient little punctuation marks.
Wow. Could I BE any more nerdy of an English major? I find it hard to believe that I could.
But this post is getting quite long (ought to satisfy Adam) and I'm off to do devotions, finish physics, and get some sleep. I'm still worn out from my spring break, I think, even though that seems ridiculous. Cheers, all.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
worst day ever...
...well, ok. Not the worst day EVER. But it's right up there. Crap, crap, crappity crap crap crap. Of all the days for me to have to do an entire extra page of layout at the Oracle, this is the ONE DAY I would absolutely choose to NOT do that. I have a physics exam tomorrow, TOMORROW, for which I need to know about twenty formulas, of which I currently only know like five. I'm going to have to blow off my Shakespeare class tomorrow if I'm going to have any hope of being able to study enough to attempt to pass my physics exam, and I am not happy about that. Granted, the Shakespeare class isn't my favorite, but I absolutely hate and despise skipping classes for any reason. Heaven knows this school costs enough, I might as well put the money to good use and attend the classes that are being paid for. At least that's my take on the situation. The good news is I don't have to work today so if I get to the office and work like crazy, I just might be able to be finished there by 8 or 9 p.m., although I'm not going to count on it because it seems that lately, whatever CAN go wrong at the Oracle for me invariably does. Grrr. This semester is crummy. I feel like I'm a zombie going to classes and vaguely attempting the reading and I feel like I have accomplished basically nothing except for writing two papers and doing a junkload of reading. I'm not a happy girl. I have always loved my classes here and my professors but for whatever reason, this semester my heart is just not in it at all. I don't even get that excited about the prospect of studying abroad, which I was formerly absolutely pumped for. Tthis weekend, I have to bake scones for my "Crossing Borders" class as a food representative of the country I'm going to. England isn't known for its food, and there's a reason for that - most of it isn't very good. But I think scones are an okay choice so that's what I'm going to do at home this weekend. Fun times, no?
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
an odd day
So. Today has been interesting. For whatever strange reason, I was seized by the uncontrollable urge to dance around my dorm room tonight while my roommate was studying in the library. I hope no one saw through the window; we are, after all, on the first floor. Perish the thought!
It's been a weird day. I am still a little fed up and upset about things at the newspaper office but I am really trying my best not to be angry with anyone and to see the entire situation as an opportunity for the paper (and for myself) to expand and learn and grow. Which sounds incredibly corny and insincere, but that's truly how I am attempting to approach the situation. At this point, I don't see how else I could approach it that would do anyone any good whatsoever.
I'm lonely today. I hate to admit it, but I really do miss having a boyfriend. Not so much that I'm lonely for the particular boyfriend I had - those of you who know me well know about that - but I desperately miss having someone to call for no reason at all, no one to always hang out with and do nothing, to watch random movies with and to stay up until some unholy hour talking to about incredibly strange and bizarre things. I really, really miss that. And though this is not the most important part, to be honest, I totally miss kissing people. It's been months. MONTHS. A long, dry year so far, my friends. Haha. Wow, that sounds dumb even now to me. But I refuse to bait myself into deleting that, because it is what I was thinking. It's going to be a long, lonely summer, too. I'm 99% sure that I will be back at home this summer working two jobs (read: about 60 hours a week) to earn enough to study abroad and such. Fun times. I don't think anyone's going to be home to hang out with. Adam, will you be home this summer? Puh-leeeeease??? You are almost my only hope for intelligent company. Otherwise (and even if you are) I may need to beg mercy of Caitlin and Jake Scott in order to at least have some claim to friends this summer. Maybe something good will come of it that I am currently clouded in my judgement to see. I hope so.
On the slightly more cheerful side of life, I think I have found a place to live next spring. My friend Malin is planning to study abroad in the spring, so if that comes through, I can sublet her studio apartment and have it alllll to my onesie self for the entire spring semester. That would be wonderful. And it's a teeny bit expensive for me, but she really seems to want me to have it, so she is willing to pay a small portion of the rent each month to put it within my range. How sweet is that? I'm very excited at the prospect. I just want to see it but I'm pretty sure I'm going to want it. Score.
It's been a weird day. I am still a little fed up and upset about things at the newspaper office but I am really trying my best not to be angry with anyone and to see the entire situation as an opportunity for the paper (and for myself) to expand and learn and grow. Which sounds incredibly corny and insincere, but that's truly how I am attempting to approach the situation. At this point, I don't see how else I could approach it that would do anyone any good whatsoever.
I'm lonely today. I hate to admit it, but I really do miss having a boyfriend. Not so much that I'm lonely for the particular boyfriend I had - those of you who know me well know about that - but I desperately miss having someone to call for no reason at all, no one to always hang out with and do nothing, to watch random movies with and to stay up until some unholy hour talking to about incredibly strange and bizarre things. I really, really miss that. And though this is not the most important part, to be honest, I totally miss kissing people. It's been months. MONTHS. A long, dry year so far, my friends. Haha. Wow, that sounds dumb even now to me. But I refuse to bait myself into deleting that, because it is what I was thinking. It's going to be a long, lonely summer, too. I'm 99% sure that I will be back at home this summer working two jobs (read: about 60 hours a week) to earn enough to study abroad and such. Fun times. I don't think anyone's going to be home to hang out with. Adam, will you be home this summer? Puh-leeeeease??? You are almost my only hope for intelligent company. Otherwise (and even if you are) I may need to beg mercy of Caitlin and Jake Scott in order to at least have some claim to friends this summer. Maybe something good will come of it that I am currently clouded in my judgement to see. I hope so.
On the slightly more cheerful side of life, I think I have found a place to live next spring. My friend Malin is planning to study abroad in the spring, so if that comes through, I can sublet her studio apartment and have it alllll to my onesie self for the entire spring semester. That would be wonderful. And it's a teeny bit expensive for me, but she really seems to want me to have it, so she is willing to pay a small portion of the rent each month to put it within my range. How sweet is that? I'm very excited at the prospect. I just want to see it but I'm pretty sure I'm going to want it. Score.
Monday, March 07, 2005
surviving the firestorm...
Well, in response to Adam's vehement demand that I update, I shall do so at once. What I'm going to do is give an account of why I haven't been updating much and why I have been so stressed lately. I've been very busy lately, what with attempting not to fail physics and all, but there's something else that's come up that has made life particularly difficult. Also, I must give some recognition to Adam, whose intriguing blog can be found at http://exittheory.blogspot.com
As many of you know, I am the Opinion editor for my campus newspaper; it's a job that I love and I work with a great group of people there as well. However. Back in December, before I had this job and I was still a lowly Associate editor, two students on campus submitted a letter to the editor regarding a professor on campus. I don't know what their intent was, precisely, in submitting the letter, but the result was that many people interpreted as a personal attack on the professor, challenging his competency and personal beliefs regarding diversity and race. We don't publish during J-term, so over the first couple of weeks of the spring semester, the aforementioned professor was working on a response piece to the two students of color, which was initally waaay to long to even think about printing. My editor-in-chief kept telling him it just had to be cut down and cut down until finally he got it to around 1400 words, and he said that was the best he could do. In light of his efforts, we decided to publish the letter as it was. The same week, because of the size of this letter, we had room to print only like one more letter and the one we printed was from a girl who basically seemed to think that diversity isn't nearly as much of an issue as many people make it.
In retrospect, it was probably not the wisest idea to print these two letters together in one issue, but believe me, if I had ANY notion of the fallout that would arise from this, I never, NEVER would have printed them. After the issue came out, we got a flurry of e-mails saying how unfair it was, how terrible it was that we allowed this professor extra space to defend himself, how the issue of the paper was obviously part of institutional racism, etc. Needless to say, as Opinion editor, a few choice words were also thrown my way, either directly to my face in passing or via e-mail. I know that it is important to not take these things personally, because I certainly had no intention whatsoever for this to get so out of control, but it has been hard not to be extremely stressed about not only my own reputation but of course that of the paper as well. People have been upset that we let the prof. respond at all, others because we allotted him more space than the usual 500 words, some because they felt the page/issue of the paper was anti-student of color, etc. etc.
There's been much more anger and hurt surrounding this issue than I had ever even dreamed of, and while I'm sorry that so many people interpret the situation in the ways that they have, I also cannot feel that I did anything wrong in printing what I did. The point of the Opinion section is to provide an open forum for people to express their viewpoints, and I refuse to engage in the practice of only printing what I personally agree with, because I really feel that compromises my journalistic integrity. Some people may scoff at the idea of a college girl feeling seriously concerned about journalistic integrity, but it's a position I take very seriously and I care very deeply about what is printed and what is said about myself and the paper. I spent a few days feeling incredibly stressed about the issue and practically ready to burst into tears at all times from the stress and lack of sleep I was getting because of this issue, but I am calming down and seeing the situation a little differently. Like I said, I really don't believe I did anything wrong.
Generally speaking, most of the opinions printed in the section are very liberal, and I truly feel that it's important not to silence voices on campus, even if (and perhaps precisely BECAUSE) others on campus may see the viewpoint as overly conservative, narrow, limited, or even just wrong. If those voices are silenced, how do we as a community begin to know what issues we need to work on? For all the lip service paid to diversity on this campus, letters like the one I printed (and people's issues with the professor), to me, demonstrate precisely how much work we have left to do, and isn't it important to see that? I am so frustrated with people who seem to believe that the letters printed are the ideas of the Oracle or of me personally, because that is just so incredibly absurd that I don't even know how to respond to it. How could I possibly print letters for AND against, for example, the Military Recruiter Ban initiative on campus and agree with them both? I CAN'T. Hence, it's impossible for the published viewpoints to be reflections of my own. It has just been such an incredibly stressful, crazy, mixed-up last couple of weeks. What I find particularly ironic about the situation is that when the first letter (from the two students was printed), I had NOTHING TO DO WITH it, so I am essentially just dealing with all of the fallout from a situation that I originally had no part in whatsoever. I think that pretty much covers it. That's been sort of the overwhelming issue here, anyway.
I finally passed a quiz in physics today, which is some small cause for celebration. Of course, the passing was with a D+, but I'm going to take whatever the heck I can get in that class. I don't get it. I wasn't that bad at physics in high school, but I just plain SUCK at it now. And it's algebra based, it's supposed to be easy. And I have never, ever in my life felt more stupid in a class. I hate it. I mean, I don't hate the class; lecture is kind of fun and I have a decent lab group, but I just hate feeling so stupid. Yechh. On that note, I go to finish my physics homework.
As many of you know, I am the Opinion editor for my campus newspaper; it's a job that I love and I work with a great group of people there as well. However. Back in December, before I had this job and I was still a lowly Associate editor, two students on campus submitted a letter to the editor regarding a professor on campus. I don't know what their intent was, precisely, in submitting the letter, but the result was that many people interpreted as a personal attack on the professor, challenging his competency and personal beliefs regarding diversity and race. We don't publish during J-term, so over the first couple of weeks of the spring semester, the aforementioned professor was working on a response piece to the two students of color, which was initally waaay to long to even think about printing. My editor-in-chief kept telling him it just had to be cut down and cut down until finally he got it to around 1400 words, and he said that was the best he could do. In light of his efforts, we decided to publish the letter as it was. The same week, because of the size of this letter, we had room to print only like one more letter and the one we printed was from a girl who basically seemed to think that diversity isn't nearly as much of an issue as many people make it.
In retrospect, it was probably not the wisest idea to print these two letters together in one issue, but believe me, if I had ANY notion of the fallout that would arise from this, I never, NEVER would have printed them. After the issue came out, we got a flurry of e-mails saying how unfair it was, how terrible it was that we allowed this professor extra space to defend himself, how the issue of the paper was obviously part of institutional racism, etc. Needless to say, as Opinion editor, a few choice words were also thrown my way, either directly to my face in passing or via e-mail. I know that it is important to not take these things personally, because I certainly had no intention whatsoever for this to get so out of control, but it has been hard not to be extremely stressed about not only my own reputation but of course that of the paper as well. People have been upset that we let the prof. respond at all, others because we allotted him more space than the usual 500 words, some because they felt the page/issue of the paper was anti-student of color, etc. etc.
There's been much more anger and hurt surrounding this issue than I had ever even dreamed of, and while I'm sorry that so many people interpret the situation in the ways that they have, I also cannot feel that I did anything wrong in printing what I did. The point of the Opinion section is to provide an open forum for people to express their viewpoints, and I refuse to engage in the practice of only printing what I personally agree with, because I really feel that compromises my journalistic integrity. Some people may scoff at the idea of a college girl feeling seriously concerned about journalistic integrity, but it's a position I take very seriously and I care very deeply about what is printed and what is said about myself and the paper. I spent a few days feeling incredibly stressed about the issue and practically ready to burst into tears at all times from the stress and lack of sleep I was getting because of this issue, but I am calming down and seeing the situation a little differently. Like I said, I really don't believe I did anything wrong.
Generally speaking, most of the opinions printed in the section are very liberal, and I truly feel that it's important not to silence voices on campus, even if (and perhaps precisely BECAUSE) others on campus may see the viewpoint as overly conservative, narrow, limited, or even just wrong. If those voices are silenced, how do we as a community begin to know what issues we need to work on? For all the lip service paid to diversity on this campus, letters like the one I printed (and people's issues with the professor), to me, demonstrate precisely how much work we have left to do, and isn't it important to see that? I am so frustrated with people who seem to believe that the letters printed are the ideas of the Oracle or of me personally, because that is just so incredibly absurd that I don't even know how to respond to it. How could I possibly print letters for AND against, for example, the Military Recruiter Ban initiative on campus and agree with them both? I CAN'T. Hence, it's impossible for the published viewpoints to be reflections of my own. It has just been such an incredibly stressful, crazy, mixed-up last couple of weeks. What I find particularly ironic about the situation is that when the first letter (from the two students was printed), I had NOTHING TO DO WITH it, so I am essentially just dealing with all of the fallout from a situation that I originally had no part in whatsoever. I think that pretty much covers it. That's been sort of the overwhelming issue here, anyway.
I finally passed a quiz in physics today, which is some small cause for celebration. Of course, the passing was with a D+, but I'm going to take whatever the heck I can get in that class. I don't get it. I wasn't that bad at physics in high school, but I just plain SUCK at it now. And it's algebra based, it's supposed to be easy. And I have never, ever in my life felt more stupid in a class. I hate it. I mean, I don't hate the class; lecture is kind of fun and I have a decent lab group, but I just hate feeling so stupid. Yechh. On that note, I go to finish my physics homework.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
A "getting to know you" thing I stole from Graham
FIRSTS
First job: Glorious times at D.Q.
First screen name: I think stardust2756
First self purchased tape: Haha, Ace of Base, when I was like seven
First enemy: hmm. Brandon Winger comes to mind, from first grade
First big trip: We went to California when I was like 6 months old. Otherwise, the first one I remember was going to Florida when I was 3.
First concert: Jars of Clay
First relationship: hard to say
First pet: our dog, Tigger, sweetest dog ever
LASTS
Last big car ride: going to Nashville for the Oracle
Last kiss: oh geez, how long has it been?
Library book checked out: "The Comedy of Errors: Critical Essays."
Last movie seen: Imaginary Heroes
Last beverage drank: water
Food consumed: a Quaker Oats breakfast bar
Last phone call: I think Megs
Last cd played: one I burned off my brother's computer like three years ago
Last annoyance: always waking up when Brit gets up- though that's more of a habit now than a real annoyance
Last soda drank: diet dr. pepper
Last ice cream eaten: Edy's mint chocolate chip
Last time scolded: last time I talked to my mom (like yesterday)
Last shirt worn: my comic-book style t-shirt "I'm glad...it's my holidays!"
Last website visited: hotmail
Last relationship: Leslie, I suppose
I'S
I am: a little bit crazy
I want: to be anywhere but here for a couple of weeks
I have: too many issues
I wish: for world peace
I hate: the radio station 93x
I hope: that my life stays in one piece
I hear: music
I search: for love and happiness
I regret: squandered and lost opportunities
I love: my friends and family
I always: take things too personally
I dance: when no one's watching
I cry: too often
I am not always: prepared
I write: far worse than I wish I could
I win: seldom, but then I try not to compete very often
I lose: my mind a little every few days
I confuse: myself
I need: a vacation
I should: focus more on my spiritual life
YES OR NO
You keep a diary: I prefer "journal."
You like to cook: sometimes
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: oh i think there's a couple
DO YOU
Want to get married?: yes
Get motion sickness?: never
Get along with your parents?: for the most part
Like thunderstorms?: love them. except when i'm driving.
THE BASICS
Current hair color: brown
Birthplace: Brainerd, MN
Birth Date: November 19, 1984
FAVORITES
Number: 2
Color: blue
Day: Saturday
Month: May
Song: currently, probably Kasey Chambers' "The Captain"
Season: spring
Drink: fruit-flavored mineral water
Sport: meh, i can take or leave most of them
Animal: dogs
PREFERENCES
Cuddle or make out: umm......i guess both?
Chocolate milk or hot chocolate: hot chocolate
Milk, Dark, or White chocolate: milk
Vanilla or chocolate: chocolate
IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU?
Cried? nope
Bought something? a movie ticket
Gotten sick? no
Gone to the movies? yes
Gone out for dinner? no
Said I love you? yes
Written a real letter? no
Talked to an ex? nope
Missed an ex? no
Written in a journal? yes
Had a serious talk? not really
Missed someone? definitely
Hugged someone? yep
Fought with your parents? no
Fought with a friend? no
WOULD YOU EVER
Eat a bug: no. unless i got paid a bunch of money and even then it's questionable.
Bungee jump: possibly, if I ever got up the nerve
Lose it: yes
Parachute from a plane: maybe, but probably not
Walk on hot coals: I don't think so
Be a vegetarian: I don't think I COULD
Wear plaid with stripes: no. I don't thinkIi even own anything plaid.
Sing karaoke: I cannot imagine under what circumstances, but I suppose it's possible.
Shoplift: no
Run a red light: maybe if I was really really in a hurry or already in the intersection...
Dye your hair blue: maybe, if I had a good reason
Be on survivor: no
Cheat on a test: no
Make someone cry: I'm sure I have
First job: Glorious times at D.Q.
First screen name: I think stardust2756
First self purchased tape: Haha, Ace of Base, when I was like seven
First enemy: hmm. Brandon Winger comes to mind, from first grade
First big trip: We went to California when I was like 6 months old. Otherwise, the first one I remember was going to Florida when I was 3.
First concert: Jars of Clay
First relationship: hard to say
First pet: our dog, Tigger, sweetest dog ever
LASTS
Last big car ride: going to Nashville for the Oracle
Last kiss: oh geez, how long has it been?
Library book checked out: "The Comedy of Errors: Critical Essays."
Last movie seen: Imaginary Heroes
Last beverage drank: water
Food consumed: a Quaker Oats breakfast bar
Last phone call: I think Megs
Last cd played: one I burned off my brother's computer like three years ago
Last annoyance: always waking up when Brit gets up- though that's more of a habit now than a real annoyance
Last soda drank: diet dr. pepper
Last ice cream eaten: Edy's mint chocolate chip
Last time scolded: last time I talked to my mom (like yesterday)
Last shirt worn: my comic-book style t-shirt "I'm glad...it's my holidays!"
Last website visited: hotmail
Last relationship: Leslie, I suppose
I'S
I am: a little bit crazy
I want: to be anywhere but here for a couple of weeks
I have: too many issues
I wish: for world peace
I hate: the radio station 93x
I hope: that my life stays in one piece
I hear: music
I search: for love and happiness
I regret: squandered and lost opportunities
I love: my friends and family
I always: take things too personally
I dance: when no one's watching
I cry: too often
I am not always: prepared
I write: far worse than I wish I could
I win: seldom, but then I try not to compete very often
I lose: my mind a little every few days
I confuse: myself
I need: a vacation
I should: focus more on my spiritual life
YES OR NO
You keep a diary: I prefer "journal."
You like to cook: sometimes
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: oh i think there's a couple
DO YOU
Want to get married?: yes
Get motion sickness?: never
Get along with your parents?: for the most part
Like thunderstorms?: love them. except when i'm driving.
THE BASICS
Current hair color: brown
Birthplace: Brainerd, MN
Birth Date: November 19, 1984
FAVORITES
Number: 2
Color: blue
Day: Saturday
Month: May
Song: currently, probably Kasey Chambers' "The Captain"
Season: spring
Drink: fruit-flavored mineral water
Sport: meh, i can take or leave most of them
Animal: dogs
PREFERENCES
Cuddle or make out: umm......i guess both?
Chocolate milk or hot chocolate: hot chocolate
Milk, Dark, or White chocolate: milk
Vanilla or chocolate: chocolate
IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU?
Cried? nope
Bought something? a movie ticket
Gotten sick? no
Gone to the movies? yes
Gone out for dinner? no
Said I love you? yes
Written a real letter? no
Talked to an ex? nope
Missed an ex? no
Written in a journal? yes
Had a serious talk? not really
Missed someone? definitely
Hugged someone? yep
Fought with your parents? no
Fought with a friend? no
WOULD YOU EVER
Eat a bug: no. unless i got paid a bunch of money and even then it's questionable.
Bungee jump: possibly, if I ever got up the nerve
Lose it: yes
Parachute from a plane: maybe, but probably not
Walk on hot coals: I don't think so
Be a vegetarian: I don't think I COULD
Wear plaid with stripes: no. I don't thinkIi even own anything plaid.
Sing karaoke: I cannot imagine under what circumstances, but I suppose it's possible.
Shoplift: no
Run a red light: maybe if I was really really in a hurry or already in the intersection...
Dye your hair blue: maybe, if I had a good reason
Be on survivor: no
Cheat on a test: no
Make someone cry: I'm sure I have
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
here-and-there thoughts
I am tired! I'm getting behind on work, I'm frustrated with lots of my schoolwork (particularly physics), and with the additional pressures of trying to figure out all of my study abroad materials, family issues, and stuff like that, it's been somewhat rough going this week. Anyway, though, things could be worse. I'm just feeling pretty unmotivated lately, I guess. I particularly need to force myself to be more participatory in my Shakespeare class. I am getting more interested in it, it's just different from what I had thought it might be and that always takes some reconciliation. It would be absurd of me, of course, to write off the semester in any of my classes so far since we're only like two and a half weeks into them, but it's not quite the semester I had been planning for, so I am still readjusting myself to that.On the somewhat brighter side, I do feel like I am making genuine progress in my faith life, which of course trumps all other troubles in the long run for me. It has been harder living with my roommate, though, because when I made plans to room with her last year I was stumbling through a really rough patch in my faith and now that I'm moving back in a direction that is much better for me, it's harder to live with her knowing that so many of her ideals and focuses are different from me. I love her to death and she is a very wonderful friend, but living with her is getting harder. Which is why next year I would looooove to find an apartment with Malin and then switch off during study abroad semesters; that would make things much easier for me. I'd love living with Melissa, too, if that winds up working out, but we've got time to figure that out.So some of my crazy weird friends have pretty much forced me to post my picture at hotornot in an effort to boost my self-esteem. I think they're insane, but in case anyone wants to see me looking dumb, http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=BUB8BYG&key=WFW - there's your chance.I have a cash refund to pick up at the cashier's office, too, and I keep forgetting about it!! How I can forget about it is totally beyond me, because I am constantly thinking about how broke I am, but it just keeps slipping my mind. Anyway, that's enough sundry updating for the night; I'm going to go try to do some reading and work on some other things. Good night, all!
Friday, February 11, 2005
ahhhhaha
And it's quickly coming...another Valentine's Day alone. I don't rant against the holiday with vehement disdain as some do (though I did write an editorial piece called "Rage against the Valentine's Day machine"), but I don't exactly relish the reminder of my singleness, either, so it's not my favorite time of year. It might be cool if I had some great memory of the day, but this is the girl who's only ever gotten flowers from her parents, so you can imagine how my past Valentine's Day days have been. For although there are many days when I'm happy enough being single, I'm still carrying a torch that I really wish would just go out, and I also miss some parts of having a boyfriend. Enough of that talk, now, though.
This semester is rough. I thought it would be considerably easier than last semester, but I lied to myself, apparently. Physics is killer, I'm not enjoying my Shakespeare class nearly as much as I had hoped I would, and Crossing Borders, though I'm sure worthy for many, addresses a lot of things that studying in England don't really require. The only class that's going the way I had hoped and that I enjoy is my Philosophy of Art class. I shouldn't complain, though, it's not like I'm dying. It's just that I had been really looking forward to this semester and I've already realized it's definitely not going to be what I thought it would. I guess I just need to learn to go into my classes without having expectations and then I'll probably be much happier with them.
Other things are going ok though. I'm happy to be back at the Oracle, even though half the time I still feel like more of a hindrance than a help. It's such a fun, relaxed atmosphere though, and pretty much everyone else there is cool to hang out with. And I think I'm going to try a new church this weekend; the Presbyterian one a couple of blocks away looks kind of cool, so I just may check it out. I miss my church from home. It's such a good community of people and Pastor Steve rocks. I'll have to keep looking down here for somewhere I feel at home.
Anywho, there isn't a whole lot that's interesting going on in my life right now, so I'm out for this Friday night.
This semester is rough. I thought it would be considerably easier than last semester, but I lied to myself, apparently. Physics is killer, I'm not enjoying my Shakespeare class nearly as much as I had hoped I would, and Crossing Borders, though I'm sure worthy for many, addresses a lot of things that studying in England don't really require. The only class that's going the way I had hoped and that I enjoy is my Philosophy of Art class. I shouldn't complain, though, it's not like I'm dying. It's just that I had been really looking forward to this semester and I've already realized it's definitely not going to be what I thought it would. I guess I just need to learn to go into my classes without having expectations and then I'll probably be much happier with them.
Other things are going ok though. I'm happy to be back at the Oracle, even though half the time I still feel like more of a hindrance than a help. It's such a fun, relaxed atmosphere though, and pretty much everyone else there is cool to hang out with. And I think I'm going to try a new church this weekend; the Presbyterian one a couple of blocks away looks kind of cool, so I just may check it out. I miss my church from home. It's such a good community of people and Pastor Steve rocks. I'll have to keep looking down here for somewhere I feel at home.
Anywho, there isn't a whole lot that's interesting going on in my life right now, so I'm out for this Friday night.
Monday, January 24, 2005
sick
Hey, y'all. For those of you who pray, if you could send a quick one my way that would rock. I am still really really sick. I can't seem to shake my fever and I cannot for the life of me stop coughing and aching...it's really not cool. Anyway I'm super tired and I need to work on my final project for my j-term class but that's taking basically all of my energy right now. I hope you all are doing well though! Have a super week.
Saturday, January 22, 2005
not again!
I'm sickety-mcsick-sickerson today. I was just sick like a month ago over Christmas with the flu and now I'm fevery and achy and hacking away like a cat with a hairball. Nice idea, isn't it? I felt fine yesterday and ok this morning but over the course of the day - BANG! - some alien virus has taken over my body and made it weak and fickle. I wouldn't actually even mind that much except that it's basically too much effort to even recopy my notes for class, which I really have to do this weekend. So this is pretty much just a disctraction for myself for a minute or two to avoid attempting to do my homework, but I think I'm going to go take a nap now and then get back to it. God bless, y'all.
Friday, January 21, 2005
morning comes
Well I'm not nearly so cranky and despairing as I was last night, but I'm definitely still very bummed out about this summer. I will probably just work at the resort again; I'll ask them for a raise and I think they'll give it to me. I was a good employee - I complained to everyone else ABOUT my job, but I didn't complain at work and I was always on time and never called in sick, plus now I am already trained, so I don't think asking for a raise is too unreasonable. I'm just going to really really miss having the companionship of the friends that I've spent the last three summers with, but I guess that's just part of growing up. Growing up sucks. I'm 20 years old - 20!!! Which I know isn't particularly old, but I feel strange not being a teenager anymore. I'm techinically in the category of "young adult" and I'm not sure that's something I'm really ready for.
Last weekend when I was home, I saw "In Good Company" with Adam. It was a really good movie, but that isn't the point. The movie is partly about corporate takeovers and instability in jobs and winding up in a job you thought you wanted but hating it. What if that's what happens? I'm putting all this hope into someday going into editing/publishing in children's literature, and I either never get there or get there and wind up failing utterly? Frightening thought. I guess there's no way to know until I get there, though, right? So the best thing is just to keep praying and listening and going on ahead. I know now that I do NOT want to be a film critic, anyway. I used to think that would be such a cool, fun job, but now that all I do is watch movies and write about them, I'm totally sick of it and it's only been a couple of weeks :) so that is obviously not the place for me.
I'm really excited about being the new Opinions editor for the Oracle, though. I think that will help a ton in a lot of ways - as soon as the Oracle's up and running I'll be spending more time with the kiddies there and I will not only be less bored, I'll definitely be less lonely. I didn't realize how much I depended on working there until we stopped putting out production for J-term and now I can't wait to get back.
In the meantime, however, I have two (!!) films to watch today for class, which we aren't even supposed to HAVE today; it's a Monday-Thursday class. Yechh. Oh well. Off I go.
Last weekend when I was home, I saw "In Good Company" with Adam. It was a really good movie, but that isn't the point. The movie is partly about corporate takeovers and instability in jobs and winding up in a job you thought you wanted but hating it. What if that's what happens? I'm putting all this hope into someday going into editing/publishing in children's literature, and I either never get there or get there and wind up failing utterly? Frightening thought. I guess there's no way to know until I get there, though, right? So the best thing is just to keep praying and listening and going on ahead. I know now that I do NOT want to be a film critic, anyway. I used to think that would be such a cool, fun job, but now that all I do is watch movies and write about them, I'm totally sick of it and it's only been a couple of weeks :) so that is obviously not the place for me.
I'm really excited about being the new Opinions editor for the Oracle, though. I think that will help a ton in a lot of ways - as soon as the Oracle's up and running I'll be spending more time with the kiddies there and I will not only be less bored, I'll definitely be less lonely. I didn't realize how much I depended on working there until we stopped putting out production for J-term and now I can't wait to get back.
In the meantime, however, I have two (!!) films to watch today for class, which we aren't even supposed to HAVE today; it's a Monday-Thursday class. Yechh. Oh well. Off I go.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
and so it goes...
Well, today has certainly been interesting. It's a bizarre mix of things that life has thrown my way lately. First, there are some personal issues that I don't want to get into too much. Just suffice it to say that I have feelings for a guy that I shouldn't have feelings for because the whole situation is just- it's just absurd, really, and I think I may be slightly insane. But I have also been really involved in my relationship with God lately and that has been better than it's been in weeks...months, actually, and that rocks. However, I also just found out that my summer is pretty much going to suck, since Mary, Joe, Krystle, Pete Lund, and Bernadette will almost all most likely not be around. It's going to be a very lonely summer. And the thing is, none of them need me anymore. I mean, I know they love me, and we are all of course still friends- but all of them have somehow seemed to move on with life so much better than I have and I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but all my best friends are still from high school. Maybe I just am terrible at meeting people, or maybe I'm honestly just a person that other people don't really want to get to know. All I know is that I'm lonely, and I have been for awhile, but I don't think I realized how lonely I was until I realized I was going to be home this summer without any of my best friends there and pretty much no one to hang out with. I don't think I can afford to NOT live at home this summer what with study abroad next year and all, but it's looking like a long lonely summer this year. Mary has her SPO people and Krystle will be in NYC and Joe will be in Brazil and Bernadette and Pete will probably both be working at camp...and that leaves me, pathetic and alone. And the thing is, even if I were going to stay down here it wouldn't matter because I really don't have any really good friends down here except for Brit. I have a ton of people on campus that are cool to chill with and talk to, but I haven't been able to really connect with them. As satisfying as I honestly feel like my academic education has been here, there is a severe shortage of other students who don't like to party or are religiously committed. Of course, I can be friends with people who party and who don't have deep religious convictions, but I feel like there's so much I'm not able to share with those people, which is a lot of what has been holding me back from making really good friends here at school. Aaargh. I don't know. I'm just tired, I think, and more than a little frustrated with my severe lack of social skills, and upset at the prospect of a summer alone in Staples (which I think, actually, is pretty understandable). So that's it for tonight, I'm fairly talked out for now. And so to bed.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
crunch time
I will be on my merry way home in just over 24 hours, and I'm amazed at how glad I am about that. It's been a pretty good semester, but I'm just tired and worn out. I need to go home, and I'm glad that I get to do that tomorrow.
I'm trying to buckle down and WRITE my final paper for lit. theory, already, but I'm having a lot of trouble caring enough to write a good paper. And knowing that I have to spit out an Ethics paper after that doesn't make it any easier, even though both are relatively short and not really that difficult to write.
Brit missed her jury for bass lessons yesterday, which is definitely bad. Basically it means she is screwed for any kind of decent grade in that, because she has to be graded on performance (since that's the Hamline Plan credit that goes along with the course) and the only day that the jury met was yesterday. I feel so crappy for her; that would suck so absolutely. I don't have any understanding of how that might affect a person, but I'm pretty sure I'd be banging my head against the wall. She, however, is handling it with much more maturity and grace than I suspect I might.
At least classes are done. I had really good courses and profs. this semester, but I'm so tired and there has been such an incredible amount of shit that has happened in the lives of so many of my friends that I just want to go home and be with them. I don't want to get into any details (because details would take volumes upon volumes in order to explain everything properly) but suffice it to say that I need to spend some time with them.
I'm trying to buckle down and WRITE my final paper for lit. theory, already, but I'm having a lot of trouble caring enough to write a good paper. And knowing that I have to spit out an Ethics paper after that doesn't make it any easier, even though both are relatively short and not really that difficult to write.
Brit missed her jury for bass lessons yesterday, which is definitely bad. Basically it means she is screwed for any kind of decent grade in that, because she has to be graded on performance (since that's the Hamline Plan credit that goes along with the course) and the only day that the jury met was yesterday. I feel so crappy for her; that would suck so absolutely. I don't have any understanding of how that might affect a person, but I'm pretty sure I'd be banging my head against the wall. She, however, is handling it with much more maturity and grace than I suspect I might.
At least classes are done. I had really good courses and profs. this semester, but I'm so tired and there has been such an incredible amount of shit that has happened in the lives of so many of my friends that I just want to go home and be with them. I don't want to get into any details (because details would take volumes upon volumes in order to explain everything properly) but suffice it to say that I need to spend some time with them.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Aaargh!!
Finals! They're killin' me, man. Not really. I'm already finished with two classes, which is awesome. At the end of my Brit. Lit. final today (which was TOUGH, by the way!) my prof. asked me to come see her in her office later, so I started to freak out and tried to remember if there were assignments I had somehow missed or something, but such was not the case. She asked what year I was, and when I told her I was a sophomore, she said, "Well, what I have to say to you might then be irrelevant," and she told me that she was going to ask me to apply to the conferences that English majors can apply for but that they usually only consider juniors/seniors who have gone through the Seminar course already, which I have (obviously) not done yet. She told me that my being a sophomore only made my work more remarkable (!!!!!) and that she hoped I would keep it in mind.
And I am not using this as an outlet for bragging or anything, but this just made my day so wonderful. I know I should be over the whole worrying if I'm good enough in my major and worrying about not having any skills, but I'm not. I usually manage to put up a much more secure front than I actually have, and so this was so incredibly reassuring and wonderful for me.
I'm the same way about working at the Oracle; most of the time I just think I'm wasting their time or taking up space. Which is probably not necessarily true, but I feel so worthless around there sometimes! Then again, if I were really worthless, Graham and Manney probably wouldn't be as nice to me as they are. So maybe it's all okay.
I also had my R.A. interview yesterday. I think it went reasonably well, but now that I know they are interviewing a total of ten people for the position and two of those people are already C.A.s on campus, I'm really not expecting to get it anymore at all. But who knows, I guess it could happen, I'm just very aware that the odds aren't too much in my favor.
Truly, today has been so much better than I would have expected. I still have two papers to finish up for Lit. Theory and Ethics by Thursday, but I'm actually planning (hoping) to finish them tomorrow so that I have all day Thursday to clean up our room and to pack and such. I'm so thrilled to be going home on Thursday! I just have to remember to call Dad and tell him to bring some Christmas cookies with him for the ride home. And to pack up all my laundry and sweaters for skiing and stuff. I wasn't very excited about going skiing, and I'm still not, but maybe it will be more fun than I anticipated. Who knows, right? seems to be my phrase of the day.
Well, I've got to work and get going on those papers today as well, so I'm out for now, but I haven't been wanting to blog in ages and suddenly today was overcome with a need to write SOMETHING, anything, so at least I have this outlet. Huzzah for blogs.
And I am not using this as an outlet for bragging or anything, but this just made my day so wonderful. I know I should be over the whole worrying if I'm good enough in my major and worrying about not having any skills, but I'm not. I usually manage to put up a much more secure front than I actually have, and so this was so incredibly reassuring and wonderful for me.
I'm the same way about working at the Oracle; most of the time I just think I'm wasting their time or taking up space. Which is probably not necessarily true, but I feel so worthless around there sometimes! Then again, if I were really worthless, Graham and Manney probably wouldn't be as nice to me as they are. So maybe it's all okay.
I also had my R.A. interview yesterday. I think it went reasonably well, but now that I know they are interviewing a total of ten people for the position and two of those people are already C.A.s on campus, I'm really not expecting to get it anymore at all. But who knows, I guess it could happen, I'm just very aware that the odds aren't too much in my favor.
Truly, today has been so much better than I would have expected. I still have two papers to finish up for Lit. Theory and Ethics by Thursday, but I'm actually planning (hoping) to finish them tomorrow so that I have all day Thursday to clean up our room and to pack and such. I'm so thrilled to be going home on Thursday! I just have to remember to call Dad and tell him to bring some Christmas cookies with him for the ride home. And to pack up all my laundry and sweaters for skiing and stuff. I wasn't very excited about going skiing, and I'm still not, but maybe it will be more fun than I anticipated. Who knows, right? seems to be my phrase of the day.
Well, I've got to work and get going on those papers today as well, so I'm out for now, but I haven't been wanting to blog in ages and suddenly today was overcome with a need to write SOMETHING, anything, so at least I have this outlet. Huzzah for blogs.
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