an uncomfortable feeling of discontent

Oh wow. I'm headed home in a day. At this time tomorrow, I'll be at London's Gatwick airport, preparing to fly home. I am definitely, definitely excited about coming home and I will be thrilled beyond words to see everyone.

BUT. I am also having feelings of trepidation about leaving England and not knowing when I'll be back. There are a lot of things I have learned to love about this country, and I think what's really problematic for me is the uncertainty of just not knowing when I'll be back again. I'm sure I will, but it all feels so up in the air right now.

I also don't know how I'm going to deal with school. This semester was basically kind of a vacation for me, and spring semester I'm throwing myself full force back into everything that keeps me busy and crazy, and then some. But I think it will all work out in the end and it should be a fun time. I'm looking forward to new people and new friends and a new house and all that jazz.

My family saw 'The Producers' over here. Not the new film, the musical, in the West End. It was incredibly funny; I think it's the only activity we all did as a family that we all have thoroughly enjoyed together. My family members and I all have such different tastes and interests. My parents, I have realized, are hopelessly, helplessly American. In a way it's part of what I love about them. In a way, it's also been driving me slightly mad.

Anyway. Whether I'm ready for it or not, it's time to go home.

I'll see you all soon, I hope.

oh my.

I think last night might have been the best night I've had in York.
Well, maybe not. But it's awfully close.
I don't know what I'm getting myself into, if anything.
But for once I took a chance, and put myself out there. And it has already paid off in the fun I had.
I don't want to go into details here.
In short, I went on a date. It surprises even me still. At least, maybe it wasn't exactly a date, but it turned into one by the end of the evening, I think, and it was good.
the end.
It's funny how one incident can change a person's outlook on so many things. I feel so lucky. And happy, and surprised.
I'm just going to enjoy it for now, and try not to over-analyze anything the way I tend to.

on sunday...

I experienced a moment of sublimity. It was nothing huge, and I have already babbled about it to far too many people, but for a brief span of time, I was completely happy without another thought in the world. I was rosy-cheeked and smiling and unaware of basically anything outside of a certain small space, and it was a perfect little time capsule.

So then the question becomes, do I go back and try to find another such moment? Or do I let it remain as it was, and just forget about it, and go on with everything else?

I have a 2500 word essay due Friday by 12.30 that I have not started even outlining yet. I have another 2500 word essay due Friday by 4 that needs serious revisions, revisions that I've marked all over the essay but haven't started implementing yet even though the library books I use for the essay are quite overdue and I'll have some hefty fines to pay. I had a philosophy essay yesterday that I probably did more poorly on than any other written exam that I have ever taken, and I'm uncharacteristically unshaken about it. I'm not sure if this is a good sign or an indicator of too much apathy.

I could not sleep again last night. I think I fell asleep somewhere around 4.30, so a solid three hours of sleep then.

I went ice skating last night! It was beautiful and worth the money and time it cost, as well as the blister my left heel now sports. It was magical - there's a tree in the middle of the rink (not a Christmas tree, but a TREE tree, growing out of the ground, that the rink is constructed around) and there were sparkling white little lights everywhere. It made me think of movies and would have made me extremely extremely bitter about being single (there were many couples hand-holding and falling and being all cute) if Irina and I hadn't been having so much fun almost-falling and if I hadn't still been in too good of a mood from the combination of Sunday and being finished with metaphysics forever.

I have a 9.15 class today. After it is over, I can revise and hand in my English essay. I could've handed it in yesterday, but then she might have read it by today, and she is the sort of professor that I really, really, really do not want to disappoint and for whom I fear disappointment is inevitable because my essay isn't too grand. But it's an essay, and I'll pass well enough, I hope.

I can't stop listening to Jeff Buckley. It's addictive. Everyone go buy the cd and see if you can stop listening to it once you really begin.

photos!

If you are at all interested in seeing more pictures from my trip to Germany, please go to my flickr page and enjoy. Also, all three of the lovely ladies featured are single; we are currently accepting boyfriend applications. We are pretty selective though.
My state of mind is much the same as it was on Monday - see the post below.

under the gun.

I had a good weekend filled with good company and good food and laughter and comfort. It was exactly what I needed.

And now so much frustration has come upon me. Much of the weekend's relaxed ease and contentment are quickly becoming memories. I am trying to write an essay and I can't come up with a thesis. Not even a working thesis. There is not a single original thought in my head. Although there seldom is, I suppose. Creativity has never truly been my forte and it's like the older I get, the more my brain slows and stops absorbing as much. School and learning used to be so exciting and fresh for me. I felt like I could never learn enough, and now I just feel so ineffectual and academically worthless.

Not that it really matters. Oh, discontent! I have such moments of wonder and glory and beauty and then I fall into the aching sadness for people who are, I suspect, much like myself and find each struggle out of the continual onslaught of valleys harder and harder until we wonder how much bending we can do before we snap. So much sadness, so much anger, so much fury and rage and tempestuousness and sorrow with nowhere to go so that it continues to stockpile and build and amass until it greedily starts feeding on itself and flourishing in spite of all the hopes that might try to spring up.

I feel a disordered dull, throbbing pain for all the words I wish I had to tell people how much I care about them and how desperately I wish that anything I could ever say would matter and make anything any better. But that's the thing. It won't make any difference. No matter how many ways I agonize and try to console or comfort, the gaping hole is still there for others. I'm not using my words, as Malin would say - I'm not getting out what I really want to be saying. The more I write the less I'm able to make the words do what I want them to, it seems. There's so much empty sadness.

There are people that I love dearly and I have been lamenting that I can't be there for them because I'm over here in England. Really, though, that's a quite selfish thought of me to have because why do I suppose it would make any difference? I can't fix anything. I can't go back in time, I can't change any of what they are feeling because what's happened has happened and whether or not I'm physically there is hardly going to make much of a difference. The problems, the voids, the unrelenting, vast heartache would be there regardless.

The funny thing is, this is one of the most down posts I've written in awhile, and I do manage to be a downer quite a lot of the time. But I'm not feeling hopeless or awash with grief - I'm awash with the infinite and unavoidable triviality of the comfort I might try to offer others. It has to be sought elsewhere. I can't give that which I so desperately wish I could.

Do the holes ever get filled, or do we walk around forever, partly empty because of what others have taken with them?

in other, totally unrelated and unimportant news, i am thinking of dying my hair either a much lighter brown or a deep auburn and getting it cut more. this may be a shallow outgrowth of my discontent. thoughts and/or suggestions are welcome.

a quick succession of busy nothings

I'm off to Germnay is less than 24 hours! It will be so wonderful to see Lena again, and I am so excited that Mari will be coming from Norway to join us for the weekend. I expect it to be nothing less than fantastic.
I have a lot to get done in the next two weeks though. Well, not really. Two 2500-word papers, so about two 8-page papers, which is really not that bad. It's just that I haven't started doing the research for one of them and I don't know what to write about for the other one. I have done quite a bit of reading and research for the paper I'm planning to do on Maria Edgeworth and her novel, "Belinda," it's just that I don't have a direction to take the paper in. Which sucks because I now have to return two books to the library next week instead of their original due date. Which, I would like to add, is something I really truly HATE about the library here. If I've checked out a book for a project and someone else requests the book, they bump up the due date, which totally sucks. It's not MY bloody fault if I got to the book first; why shouldn't I be allowed to keep it?? Plus, I know that no one else's paper is due until well after Christmas, so I don't feel much pity. I may keep the books a few extra days and just pay the overdue fines if I need them. So I guess I'll probably try to write my English paper first, so I should focus on that - but I currently have no direction for it whatsoever. It's very frustrating. I have so much information and I don't know what to do with it.
In other news, I'm registered for 18 credits for the spring semester at Hamline...biodiversity/conservation bio, concepts of nature, senior seminar, crossing borders II, and british lit. from 1789. Is it madness to take this many credits? Will I die with 18 credits, two jobs, and being a news editor at the Oracle or is this a workload I can handle? I had originally planned to drop British Lit. once I got signed up for senior seminar, but now I'm thinking about taking it anyway, 'for fun'. Is this crazy? Thoughts?
I have more to say but sadly I have no time. So more when I return from Hamburg, I guess.

haha.

Oh, sometimes I think I would weep at my own idiocy if I wasn't too busy laughing so hard at myself.
I am so good at mistaken impressions! And so good at being both too conceited and having no faith in myself, AT THE SAME TIME. That takes some doing!
I actually did my philosophy homework ahead of time last night, just for something new and exciting.
And I learned to be very grateful for what I have waiting for me when I go back home. An acquaintance/friend of mine stopped by my room last night to chat. He's been studying in England for 2 years now and he sounds incredibly miserable. People here are, as I've said, difficult to get to know but I figured it was just because I haven't been here that long and I don't really care that much about making super-close friends because I'm going home in a month. But to have been here two years and still be treated with the same general polite faux-friendliness - I don't know what I would be doing if I didn't have the people to go back to that I do. Yeah, that's a bad sentence. Oh well. I'm too lazy to go back and fix it.
I have therefore resolved to be cheerful and industrious and really make the most of the last month of my time here. There is still much to see and do, and I am so reminded of all that I have to be grateful for that I am really, really trying to make more of an effort at happiness.
Even if I am going to be single for the rest of my life. Hehe. That's my joke of the day with myself. And yes, there's a story there, but I'm not telling.

good things.

I've decided I complain far too much. Therefore, I'm going to make an effort to do less whining in my blogging and more paying attention to things that are good and exciting and enjoyable.
To that end, I helped a little old lady across the street yesterday. Honestly, I find it funny how the tiniest little things can make me feel so happy sometimes. I was walking to town and I was going past the little convenience store down the road, when this tiny (honestly, she couldn't have been much more than five feet tall) little old lady stops me and says, "Excuse me, dear, but would you mind helping me just cross the street here?" I said, "Not at all!" And she tucked her gloved hand over the top of my considerably larger mittened hand and we slowly crossed the street together, after which she thanked me and we parted ways.
Anyway, the birthday celebrations then consisted of a dinner out and seeing the new Harry Potter movie (yeah yeah, I'm a big dork. Shut up) which was generally uneventful but enjoyable. My dinner at the faux-Italian restaurant "ASK" was very tasty, really, and the first genuine meal I think I've had since returning to the UK, and the chocolate cake I had for dessert was genuinely delicious.
Honestly, I also really really liked the newest Harry Potter film. It's the story they've had to change the most to fit into a 2 1/2 hour film, and the reason none of the changes upset me much, I think, is because I understood immediately why certain things just had to be left out and altered. I felt like the acting on the part of the kids was improved, the special effects felt more a part of the story than previously, and overall it was just darker and better. Ralph Fiennes was a good casting choice - I don't think many actors working in film do depraved and twisted and evil much better. All right. My nerd talk for the day is done. I'll move on to other things now.
I am getting really quite excited to see my family in December. I'm going to have so much fun showing my mom this city - I just know she's going to love it. It would be cool if my dad could visit it, too, but I have the feeling Mom will like it better than Dad would anyway. I'm trying not to plan TOO much because she is really only here for a day and a half. But we are definitely going to have to have tea at Betty's - that place is amazing, and their pastries and food are yummy. And then I'm not sure what all else we will do - there are loads of shops, obviously. More shops than any reasonable person knows what to do with, but that's such an attraction. York is one of the few bigger cities in England, I think, which has never been an industrial city. Maybe that's part of why some of the historical aspects have been so well preserved here...I really do not know.
I have yet to do my city wall walk, but I definitely do plan to do that before leaving the city. You can actually walk all the way around the city centre on the city walls. One has to climb up and down stairs at the various gates, of course, but I think it would be an interesting way to see the city.
I have finally learned my way around the city centre pretty well. I can get everywhere I need/want to go on the first try now! It's been harder than I had anticipated; the streets here are truly astonishing in their direction.
In other exciting news, I am going to visit Lena in a couple of weeks! I'm so very excited about this. I did not think I was going to be able to afford to do much more traveling while I was here, given my current circumstances, but I found a quite good deal and staying with her family will obviously save plenty of money. I'm really, really looking forward to that. I quite liked hte Hamburg/Ahrensburg area when I was there a year and a half ago, and it is always wonderful to see friends, especially those one doesn't get to see often.
Also, I'm 21 now. I'm not so excited about the drinking aspect as I am startled by the fact that I'm now an adult in every legal sense of the word and that I'm too far removed from being a teenager to keep from considering myself an adult anymore. A young adult, yes. But there it is. Not that I really feel any older or different, of course. In a relative sense, I'm only 2 days older than 20 so it makes sense. But in another sense it feels like a lot of the parts of my being younger are falling away. I don't really keep much in touch with many people from my hometown anymore and I'll probably never live there again, which is both a relief and strange to know. More responsibilty! More maturity! Yeesh.

it must be said.

This is getting ridiculous.
If I don't get some sleep soon, I will officially transform from a human being into a zombie. This week has been particularly rotten as I've averaged around 3 hours a night. Just crazy.
And you'd think that with all this spare time, well, I'd at least be unusually prodcutive, right? You'd be wrong, my friend. I did manage to complete a full outline for my philosophy essay, but I have yet to fully grasp the concept material. It's the most detailed outline I've done for quite some time, though, so that's promising.
Ugh. Tonight I have the mean reds. Well, sort of. Because I actually do know what I'm afraid of. But I don't like it. It's silly and it's pointless to worry about but there it is anyway.
Oh well. Tomorrow will be better.

oh, remorse!

Sometimes I think I'm just never going to learn to be a nice person. I go through these fits of snippiness where I just want to say mean things sometimes, and I occasionally do, and I feel much better at the time, but then I wake up the next morning feeling like a mean person. It's not a very good way to feel. Sometimes people just frustrate me with their arrogance, and it frustrates me even more when a friend of mine is upset/hurt/angry, but that isn't an excuse for being childish or snide.
I really need to be nicer. And more forgiving of the faults of others. Goodness knows, I've plenty of my own. Those in glass houses, etc. etc.
Sigh.

every day i love you less and less.

There's a title that goes out to Hamline. Not really. There are still a million things I love about Hamline (lots of students and some pretty amazing professors) - but administrative issues have been rather frustrating for me lately.
Aside from my recent difficulties with them, it applies to my registration efforts this morning.
WHY wouldn't piperline let me register for senior seminar? I have over 92 credits, and I've taken English 3020 and 3000-level + classes. But it tells me that I need the instructor's signature. So I had to e-mail Prof. Deffenbacher, ask her to e-mail some other guy in the registration department telling him that it's okay for me to take the darn class. And then I was told by the system that I was only registered as a half-time student, since I couldn't register for Senior Sem, so I registered for British Lit instead. Which means that once I get into Senior Seminar, I better not forget to go back and drop British Lit.
It's lovely being able to register this early though. I must confess I'm a fan. I didn't have any problems anywhere; in fact, there isn't a single course that's already full, not even Biology of Women, which I briefly contemplated taking, but decided to take Biodiversity and Cons and - oh! How did that happen? I somehow just dislodged the "0" button from the top of the keyboard. Um, I'll just stick it back on there. So it's a little crooked. It'll still work. I think. Until it falls off again, anyway.
But I digress. Anyway I decided to take Biodiversity and Conservation Bio, and leave the Biology of Women spot open for a Women's Studies major or something instead. I'll also be taking my first philosophy class with the famous (infamous?) Stephen Kellert, to which I look forward with anticipation, and then of course Crossing Borders II.
I have finally navigated my way around the sound block on these computers so I can now gleefully listen to music online again. I will say that much for myspace - it has been my savior as far as music goes these last few days. I brought a bunch of cds with me, but you know, you can only listen to them so many times at once, no matter how much you love them. So I'm very happy to have access to myspace music and purevolume once more.
I've been in an inexplicably good frame of mind. Not that I've been all cheery and bubbly - but these last few days I've just felt calmer with myself than I have in a really long time. It's kind of a relief.
It was a beautiful morning here - cold and crisp and brisk but everthing coated with a thing lovely layer of frost. I think I'm about the only person who saw it though. People really really REALLY like to sleep in here. No one is seen on weekends until at least noon; usually more like one or two pm. And everyone thinks having a 9.15 class is just the absolute worst luck in the world. I'm falling into that habit, too. It's getting harder for me to pull myself out of bed in the mornings and I'm going to bed later. It's not a good pattern to fall into! I've never been much of an early morning person, but I do like to be up reasonably early. When I'm back at Hamline, I'll have things pretty easy schedule-wise, too. Just a Tuesday/Thursday class at 9:40 and otherwise my earliest class is, um, a 10:20 lab on Wednesday and then 12:50, and two night clases - yuck. I'd rather have a 9:15 than a night class but oh well.
I got my first philosophy paper back today and I realized I don't really get how their scoring system works here. I got a 64, which at first about gave me a heart attack, but then my neighbour, Irina, said that's a good mark and well done me. So I looked in the handbook and scores between 60-69 are generalized as being 'Very good work that is well-structured and which accurately presents philosophical views and problems, which shows a good solid grasp of the main elements of the philosophical debate, and which shows an ability to exercise philosophical judgment.'
So I think that would be equivalent to something in the B-range, possibly perhaps? Which is usually about what I get on philosophy papers at home. But I really don't even know. I'm still a little worried because that was an easy topic and the second paper will probably require a better grasp of the material, which I'm not sure I have! I really do not follow this metaphysics stuff. I think I'm just stupid in that area of philosophy. Some of it, I admit, I just think is ridiculous. But there are other giant sections I just cannot follow. Man. I hate feeling stupid.

what i have decided. edited.

There will be no Ireland this year for me, at least not in January.
I fly back into Minneapolis on Dec. 29th.
I'm not particularly happy about it. But in the end, it was the best decision. I know this, even though I don't really like it.
More later. I've been doing lots of thinking lately; in fact I was thinking until 5 am yesterday. But I need to do a little bit more before I get it all out.

later:
I fly into Minneapolis on Dec. 29th, on the same flight as my parents and brother, actually.

Okay. Well, now I've had a lot of time to think. What's strange is that the right conversation with the right person/people at the right time can cause you to realize things fully that you've been vaguely aware of but have never quite brought to fruition. After a couple of talks with some very wise and good people (and you know who you are), I realized a few things about myself, which I've shared with not very many people yet. They are somewhat as follows. I'm still having trouble putting into words why they're important, but I'm working on it.
1. I have realized that the reason England isn't quite what I had expected it to be is because I'm not what I expected me to be.
2. What I mean by this is that I have a nasty habit of thinking that every time I go somewhere new, I have, in the back of my brain, this concept of reinventing myself as someone more popular, more pretty, more exciting, more fun, etc. But somehow, this has never worked out for me.
3. I think the reason it's never worked out or gone according to play is because I take my past experiences with me. I don't have the gift some people do of shrugging off the past and starting fresh. I don't that's necessarily good or bad, but it's me. The main reason that I tend not to change much is that I'm just incapable of shedding myself. I bring my baggage with me, and most of the time it's a fairly considerable amount.

All of this may be very interesting but also may seem totally unrelated to my current circumstances surrounding my decision to go home at the end of December. However:

I found that a large part of why I found going to Ireland exciting (through some contrivance of my twisted and bizarre mind) was because I saw it as another opportunity to make myself cooler, prettier, more exciting, etc. with the Hamline crowd. I would meet new people, wow them over with my new and improved!! self, etc. etc..

So what I have realized is that it's okay that I'm going back earlier than planned. Perhaps even better. I spent hours and hours one night, writing and praying as hard as I could and thinking and really taking stock of myself. And suddenly all the things that have been plaguing me came to light and I saw the things about myself that I've been wilfully ignoring for so long. I know, obviously, that I've had issues with depression and self-esteem and self-image and all that. But I feel like I saw some other part of me, a part of me that is related to my past problems but also a big part of the present issues I've been facing, and that in recognizing that part of myself, I've already conquered it. I am guessing that doesn't make any sense, but that's okay.

The truth? It feels pretty good. I'm not totally happy, because I still don't understand Hamline's financial policies, and I would LOVE to see Ireland. But for my own sake, I think it is good that I'm going home. There are some advantages, not least being my friends and family. All of this realization stemmed from a couple of IM conversations with friends thousands and thousands of miles away. Oh, the wonders of technology!

I think it's time to get some coffee. It's a sunny bright day today (if cold) and I'm going to take advantage of it.

everything falls apart.

I can't remember the last time I was this frustrated.
I just found out, thanks to a hold on my student account, that I supposedly owe Hamline a large chunk of money. Now, I can't figure out why this would be, because I have calculated and re-calculated the costs of my tuition, accommodation, and flight for England and I can't understand how it could in any way exceed the money I have in scholarships from Hamline that was supposed to cover all of these costs, but somehow this charge popped up. Perhaps I'm simply forgetting to add something in or I'm mistaken in the amount of money my tuition cost, but I just am at a total loss.
I am so tired of worrying about money and budgeting and pinching and adding and subtracting and multiplying to see if I'll be able to buy my dinner. If I stopped eating I'd save quite a lot of money. Hmm, something to consider. So it's looking like no Ireland for me come J-term. And while I realize this is hardly the crisis I'm probably making it out to be, it's still also really upsetting to me, because it's just something I've really been looking forward to for a long time. Also it's something I've told everyone I'm doing, so I feel as though if I come back to Hamline for J-term I am a failure somehow. Oh yeah, plus I'll be homeless.
The part that really kills me is that I KNOW I'll be getting another refund come spring semester, one that would help cover all of this. But I can't defer payments, I don't think, which means that I am probably pretty much screwed.
I know I'm whining. And I know I'm complaining. But I just feel like every time I start to see things looking up, every time I think things are finally going to start getting better and that maybe the sun is coming out after all, a huge thundercloud sneaks up behind me and dumps rain all over me. And maybe strikes me with lightning once or twice just for good measure.
That wasn't a very good metaphor. Then again, I'm not in a very good mood so perhaps it's appropriate somehow after all.
It's not that I wouldn't be happy enough to be back at Hamline or see my friendss, because that's definitely not the case. Also, I suppose I could just try to save up and go on a J-term trip next year. Of course, I'll have to change my flight - I've no idea how much that'll cost me.
My mom is the most wonderful person. She is determined that I shall go to Ireland and says she'll help me. The thing is, though, I need to stand on my own eventually. And it's not like she's got loads of extra cash floating around. Her helping me would consist of accruing more debt on a credit card, I think. And I love her so much for wanting this so badly for me, but I have always prided myself on my relative financial independence/management, and I'm not sure I'd want to do that, either, especially since she insists she'll help me pay for the NYU Publishing Institute that I'd love to do after graduating even though I won't get into it.
Growing up is catching up with me awfully fast lately.

there and back again.

What a mad, mad, mad, mad week. I am now officially quite behind in several areas of my classes, exhausted from lots of crying and jet lag, and might possibly be getting sick (although I think that's just the exhaustion talking). But I made it back to York without any significant problems of any kind and after tomorrow morning, I have all weekend to spend playing catch-up, so I think I'll be all right in the end.

The funeral was hard, but not quite as hard as I had expected. It was an enormous comfort to me that Pastor Steve performed the service - it was just a simple, quiet day. I was really touched, too, to see all of the friends of ours in the area who had sent flowers and plants. The chapel was filled with them, and now our house is the same. There were so many lovely people there, people who I didn't even really expect to see like some of my teachers from high school and relatives I haven't seen in ages, and it was good to see them even under the circumstances. I also got to learn quite a lot about my grandfather, things I never knew about him. It makes me sad that a lot of the time people save their stories until it's too late to tell them.

The military service the next day was a lot harder. It was much smaller, mostly just family, and much more solemn and official and formal and final. There was the gun salute and the playing of 'Taps' etc. etc. and we all ended in tears, but perhaps it was a bit cathartic.

I meant to call a lot of people this weekend while I was in the US but I just ran out of time. I was just too busy helping my mom and dad and trying to put together a little celebration for my dad's 50th birthday in the midst of the madness and visiting my grandma and saying goodbye to aunts and uncles, etc. etc. It just wore me down.

And now I'm here again until Christmas. Which is really only about six weeks away - not too far off. I hope my mom's remembered payment on the flat.

When I flew out of Minneapolis I had a quite interesting little flight to Detroit. There've been some very bad storms in the Indiana area, and some of the winds were backlashing, apparently, and there were like 40 mph winds in Detroit so there was a little turbulence on the plane. I didn't think it was too bad though, and then we came in for a landing which didn't seem to go terribly badly although it did seem to me that the plane stopped rather a lot more quickly than they usually do, although I didn't think much of it for awhile. Well, then, we sat on the runway for a few minutes when the pilot announced that someone was going to check our landing gear. Turns out that when we landed the left wheels of the plane totally blew. So we had to wait about another 20-30 minutes on the plane until they could send an employee bus out to fetch us and lead us into the airport via an employee entrance, although then apparently someone forgot to inform security because we were accosted as we began entering the airport terminal through the employee entrance.

For the first time in my life I caught a couple hours of sleep on the plane from Detroit to London, which was good. Then I had about nine hours to bum around in London before my train, which turned out to be great because it was a beautiful beautiful day. Sunny and autumn-y fresh smelling, just cool enough that I didn't need my coat and just warm enough I didn't get a bit cold. I spent ages in Hyde Park - I got a strange sense of deja vu being there by myself and not with Krystle, but I enjoyed myself. And then I went to Oxford Street and dreamily did some window-shopping. I must confess I pride myself on not purchasing anything. I came close but remembered how broke I now am just in time.

All in all, I'm pretty glad to be back. Even though I'm tired, it's nice to be back in some kind of routine again.

I'm also looking forward to going to Cafe Nero tomorrow. The last few times I have been there, there's been this guy there at the same time which has been odd because I go at such random times. We never really speak to one another - we just kind of look at one another with our loads of books and nod and smile in approval and go on drinking our coffee and eating our muffins. Don't get me wrong, I don't think he's that cute or anything - and his girlfriend was there with him last time anyway - but it's fun to recognize someone who is of the same kind.

photos!

I have finally posted pictures from England, now that I'm back in the US (albeit very temporarily).
Look! Look at the pictures!

details.

I'm amazed at how quickly things can happen, and how even when they happen at rapid speed, sometimes you're so much in the situation that everything seems to be going in slow motion.
Three days ago everything was going along perfectly normally, and now tomorrow morning I'm getting on a train so that I can get on a plane to go home. I will not deny, however, that I'm incredibly grateful that I can go home and be with my dad and my grandma. And obviously my mom, who is one of my best friends, and the rest of my family, but with the death of my grandfather my biggest concern right now is Dad and Grandma.
It's so strange the way life always always manages to catch us off-guard. It's strange, too, that I'd been so incredibly concerned about my grandmother's health when this happen. I don't know why that's so strange, actually, but it does seem odd.
I'm so grateful for some of the people in my life. I have the most supportive friends in the world. They really astound me with their generosity and concern and consideration. I'm too lucky and I don't deserve them, but oh how glad I am to have them. I feel like almost for the first time in my life I have friends I'm certain of. I don't worry so much about them getting tired of me or moving on to greener pastures in terms of friends or that they secretly dislike me...I'm not sure whether that has more to do with me or them, but either way I'm glad to feel secure in my friendships for the first time in a long time.
I'm also struck by how, in the midst of the chaos and madness of the last couple of days, I seem to have found the calm in the storm. I feel like my faith has been so much re-energized and I feel somehow sure that the irritating details of this week are going to smooth themselves out, because so far that's been the case. Every worry I've had about making it home has been somehow taken care of, down to the bizarre coincidence of my brother and I deciding to fly in and out on the same days, within an hour of one another, without having talked to each other about it at all. And Adam offering to drive us home. And Malin also offering to drive us home. And I still have a lot of struggling to do with a lot of different things right now - it's not like everything is suddenly a-okay. But I feel like maybe it will be, and I haven't felt that in a very long while.
So in less than 12 hours, I'll be starting the trip home. I'm glad I'm able to get there. I'm still not quite sure where the money is all coming from or how any of that is going to work itself out, but I'm just going to trust that it will. Because I kind of have to.

things to do in the next 48 hours.

1. Write a philosophy paper. Due Friday, so I haven't started it yet, but since we cannot e-mail papers in, I have to turn it in sometime tomorrow. Thus, in addition:
2. Figure out how to use printing services here in the computer labs.
3. Pick up my train tickets. Which cost close to an arm and a leg, but whatever. It was too late not to buy them when I'd already purchased my flight home.
4. Pack. What do I need for my grandfather's funeral? Dress, nylons, cardigan, shoes. Also some t-shirts to wear at home and a few books to take back. Makeup, hair straightener (although I don't know why - who cares??), money, passport, credit cards, card for my grandma, etc. etc.
5. Buy a birthday gift for my Dad. Not very timely. But as long as I'm going home and his birthday is the day after I fly back out, I really might as well. What do you buy for your dad the week his dad has died?
6. Finish putting together the presentation I have to give in my English class tomorrow. It isn't long enough yet. I don't know what else to say though.
7. Figure out precisely how it is I'm getting from Minneapolis to home.
8. Email a few professors to let them know I'll be missing class next week. Also, get homework assignments.
9. Get myself out of bed at 5:30 on Wednesday so I can be at the train station before 7, which is when my train leaves.
10. Clearly, not sleep.
11. Figure out if there's still any conceivable way for me to pay for Ireland over j-term.

an addendum.

For Manney.
http://www.pretentiousblowhard.org/archives/2005/04/another_tough_d.php
As he ought to be remembered.

feeling empty.

I'm in a strange funk. There's no reason for it, no real explanation. I find myself generally disinterested in pretty much everything. Even going to Scotland, which under normal circumstances I would have been all giggly and giddy and excited for, was just something I sort of did. And the weather's even been nice-ish the last couple of days but I can't shake this - this - I don't even know what it is. It's not a mood, it's not a feeling - it's something else beyond that. Apathy, maybe? I don't even know. I do all my schoolwork, and I guess I'm learning but in a really detached, disengaged manner.

York is a beautiful city. I'm surrounded by history, artifcacts, tea, coffee, books, friendly people - a lot of acquaintances and perhaps a couple of friends - so why do I find myself not really caring about any of it? The thing is, it would be normal for me to be worrying that people didn't like me or that I wasn't meeting enough people or something along those lines. But I'm not sure I even care whether or not I have friends here. I just don't care. I'm perfectly content to wander through the city totally alone, without purpose, without talking to anyone - and that's so unlike me that I'm surprised by myself.

Would I be feeling different at home? My initial reaction would be to say yeah, I would - but I'm not sure that's true either. Maybe there's something in the world right now that's causing a general sense of dissatisfaction and unease.

I was partway through a philosophy lecture the other day when I realized I hadn't put the date on my notes for the lecture. I couldn't remember what day it was and I had to ask the person next to me and then when they told me I remembered that Manney has been gone for a half a year now. Graham posted about this too, but I didn't leave a comment because I'm not sure I have any words left on that subject. I've talked about it and talked about it and written about it and thought about it so much that I feel like I've exhausted the possibilities. I'm not looking for closure or anything - because I know that the closest I'm going to come to 'closure' is knowing at the very core of myself that I'm never going to get any answers. There aren't going to be any revelations or certainties. There just aren't. And maybe soemtimes certain small things will always make me cry, or at least tear up. It's unavoidable. And on that note, I've got issues with the term 'closure.' What is that supposed to mean, anyway? That you reach a certain point where you can close off that part of yourself, where it's finished, ended with you? Because I don't think it ever happens that way.

My grandma is really sick, too. It sounds like things could sort of go either way with her at this point, although she's making small movements towards temporary recovery. She is an astonishing and amazing lady. She's beeen in a nursing home for years now but her mind is still pretty clear. I don't have all that many memories of her from before that anymore, just bits and snatches. Clear hot summer days at their house at the lake, raspberries ripe in their garden - there was always a huge garden, she has the greenest thumb of anyone I've ever known. Lots of food memories. She hated to have leftovers and always urged everyone to eat more! More! Gingersnaps and chocolate chip cookies in a a big jar in the cupboard next to the sink. Buttermilk pancakes in the morning. Crocheting and knitting - I have an afghan she made for me when I was seven. Mostly I remember her smiling.

This is an extremely autumnal sort of post. Maybe that's fitting.

I don't even know what I want to be different. I don't know what I'm expecting from myself, if anything at all.

me, me, me! that's all i talk about here, you know.

I love being not sick. I started my classes this week and they are all going to be fine, I think. I expected there to be tons and tons of out-of-class reading and work to do since I am not actually spending that much time in the classroom, but it doesn't seem like it's going to be all that much more work than usual. Plus I get an easy out for assessment - since I'm a visiting student, I only have to write a 2500 word essay for my English course at the end rather than a 5000 word essay, because most students don't have to turn in the essay until the second week of the next term but I have to turn one in before I leave.

Some observations on England:

They really do say "cheers" all of the time. It's sort of an all-purpose word; they use it to say hello, goodbye, thank you, etc. And there are a lot of people, especially middle-aged or more, with incredibly bad teeth. All crooked and black and stuff.

Sandwiches here are definitely different. It is actually impossible to get what I would deem a normal sandwich. They are all stuff like "cucumber and tuna" and "cheese and tomato" and all I want is turkey and cheese! That's all. Also there is no Kraft macaroni and cheese, and ramen noodles are a lot more expensive. Right around 49p a package, I think, which is like 85 cents, which is way more than I would pay for them at home but still a reasonably cheap meal.

A lot of people from within the UK can tell where someone is from after they've talked to them for awhile. My ears are not yet attuned to this, I'm afraid. Apparently there is a really distinctive northern England dialect but I| have totally failed to pick up on it just yet.

I'm trying to get some pictures up online but it's posing a bit of a problem. I can't plug my camera into the lab computers because, I'm told, I do not have 'administrative privileges.' So I'm going to see if any of the internet cafes in town will allow me to do so because I'm going to have to periodically clear some pictures out, I think. I can still take tons of them at this point but I haven't really done any other traveling just yet.

That may change soon, however. There's a girl, Rose, from Hawaii in my social policy class and she is really friendly and seems very cool and she also has no classes on Thursdays and Fridays. Tomorrow we might take off for Scotland for a day; I'm waiting to hear back from her. It is nice to have a friend who wants to do some of the same stuff. And I think we'll plan some other trips within the UK as well if we can manage it. Which reminds me I need to buy a young person's railcard ASAP.

So even though I'm planning to grow my hair longer yet, I got it cut today. A lot. It's still pretty long but it's a lot more choppy and layered now. It had to be done, it was driving me absolutely insane. My head weighs a lot less now and my hair isn't all bushy and gross. I can actually feel it swing when I walk. This, clearly, is not a monumental event but it sure makes me feel happy.

I'm sad that I like Starbucks here. I've been to other coffee shops but I really do like Starbucks here. And there's four of them! Four! in this smallish city. I am determined to find a more local place that serves my coffee the way I like it but I just haven't gotten there yet. I am determined to find one though, because I hate being sucked in by the global corporate monster that is Starbucks. I think the other part of the reason, much as I hate to admit it, that I like it there is because it's a familiar environment in an unfamiliar place. I hate admitting that. But I think it's very likely to be true.

Anyway. I think that about covers things for now. It's getting late. And it's dark, so now I'll have to walk back via the road instead of via the footpath, which I hate doing. Oh well!