A "getting to know you" thing I stole from Graham

FIRSTS
First job: Glorious times at D.Q.
First screen name: I think stardust2756
First self purchased tape: Haha, Ace of Base, when I was like seven
First enemy: hmm. Brandon Winger comes to mind, from first grade
First big trip: We went to California when I was like 6 months old. Otherwise, the first one I remember was going to Florida when I was 3.
First concert: Jars of Clay
First relationship: hard to say
First pet: our dog, Tigger, sweetest dog ever

LASTS
Last big car ride: going to Nashville for the Oracle
Last kiss: oh geez, how long has it been?
Library book checked out: "The Comedy of Errors: Critical Essays."
Last movie seen: Imaginary Heroes
Last beverage drank: water
Food consumed: a Quaker Oats breakfast bar
Last phone call: I think Megs
Last cd played: one I burned off my brother's computer like three years ago
Last annoyance: always waking up when Brit gets up- though that's more of a habit now than a real annoyance
Last soda drank: diet dr. pepper
Last ice cream eaten: Edy's mint chocolate chip
Last time scolded: last time I talked to my mom (like yesterday)
Last shirt worn: my comic-book style t-shirt "I'm glad...it's my holidays!"
Last website visited: hotmail
Last relationship: Leslie, I suppose

I'S
I am: a little bit crazy
I want: to be anywhere but here for a couple of weeks
I have: too many issues
I wish: for world peace
I hate: the radio station 93x
I hope: that my life stays in one piece
I hear: music
I search: for love and happiness
I regret: squandered and lost opportunities
I love: my friends and family
I always: take things too personally
I dance: when no one's watching
I cry: too often
I am not always: prepared
I write: far worse than I wish I could
I win: seldom, but then I try not to compete very often
I lose: my mind a little every few days
I confuse: myself
I need: a vacation
I should: focus more on my spiritual life

YES OR NO
You keep a diary: I prefer "journal."
You like to cook: sometimes
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: oh i think there's a couple

DO YOU
Want to get married?: yes
Get motion sickness?: never
Get along with your parents?: for the most part
Like thunderstorms?: love them. except when i'm driving.

THE BASICS
Current hair color: brown
Birthplace: Brainerd, MN
Birth Date: November 19, 1984

FAVORITES
Number: 2
Color: blue
Day: Saturday
Month: May
Song: currently, probably Kasey Chambers' "The Captain"
Season: spring
Drink: fruit-flavored mineral water
Sport: meh, i can take or leave most of them
Animal: dogs

PREFERENCES
Cuddle or make out: umm......i guess both?
Chocolate milk or hot chocolate: hot chocolate
Milk, Dark, or White chocolate: milk
Vanilla or chocolate: chocolate

IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU?
Cried? nope
Bought something? a movie ticket
Gotten sick? no
Gone to the movies? yes
Gone out for dinner? no
Said I love you? yes
Written a real letter? no
Talked to an ex? nope
Missed an ex? no
Written in a journal? yes
Had a serious talk? not really
Missed someone? definitely
Hugged someone? yep
Fought with your parents? no
Fought with a friend? no

WOULD YOU EVER
Eat a bug: no. unless i got paid a bunch of money and even then it's questionable.
Bungee jump: possibly, if I ever got up the nerve
Lose it: yes
Parachute from a plane: maybe, but probably not
Walk on hot coals: I don't think so
Be a vegetarian: I don't think I COULD
Wear plaid with stripes: no. I don't thinkIi even own anything plaid.
Sing karaoke: I cannot imagine under what circumstances, but I suppose it's possible.
Shoplift: no
Run a red light: maybe if I was really really in a hurry or already in the intersection...
Dye your hair blue: maybe, if I had a good reason
Be on survivor: no
Cheat on a test: no
Make someone cry: I'm sure I have

here-and-there thoughts

I am tired! I'm getting behind on work, I'm frustrated with lots of my schoolwork (particularly physics), and with the additional pressures of trying to figure out all of my study abroad materials, family issues, and stuff like that, it's been somewhat rough going this week. Anyway, though, things could be worse. I'm just feeling pretty unmotivated lately, I guess. I particularly need to force myself to be more participatory in my Shakespeare class. I am getting more interested in it, it's just different from what I had thought it might be and that always takes some reconciliation. It would be absurd of me, of course, to write off the semester in any of my classes so far since we're only like two and a half weeks into them, but it's not quite the semester I had been planning for, so I am still readjusting myself to that.On the somewhat brighter side, I do feel like I am making genuine progress in my faith life, which of course trumps all other troubles in the long run for me. It has been harder living with my roommate, though, because when I made plans to room with her last year I was stumbling through a really rough patch in my faith and now that I'm moving back in a direction that is much better for me, it's harder to live with her knowing that so many of her ideals and focuses are different from me. I love her to death and she is a very wonderful friend, but living with her is getting harder. Which is why next year I would looooove to find an apartment with Malin and then switch off during study abroad semesters; that would make things much easier for me. I'd love living with Melissa, too, if that winds up working out, but we've got time to figure that out.So some of my crazy weird friends have pretty much forced me to post my picture at hotornot in an effort to boost my self-esteem. I think they're insane, but in case anyone wants to see me looking dumb, http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=BUB8BYG&key=WFW - there's your chance.I have a cash refund to pick up at the cashier's office, too, and I keep forgetting about it!! How I can forget about it is totally beyond me, because I am constantly thinking about how broke I am, but it just keeps slipping my mind. Anyway, that's enough sundry updating for the night; I'm going to go try to do some reading and work on some other things. Good night, all!

ahhhhaha

And it's quickly coming...another Valentine's Day alone. I don't rant against the holiday with vehement disdain as some do (though I did write an editorial piece called "Rage against the Valentine's Day machine"), but I don't exactly relish the reminder of my singleness, either, so it's not my favorite time of year. It might be cool if I had some great memory of the day, but this is the girl who's only ever gotten flowers from her parents, so you can imagine how my past Valentine's Day days have been. For although there are many days when I'm happy enough being single, I'm still carrying a torch that I really wish would just go out, and I also miss some parts of having a boyfriend. Enough of that talk, now, though.
This semester is rough. I thought it would be considerably easier than last semester, but I lied to myself, apparently. Physics is killer, I'm not enjoying my Shakespeare class nearly as much as I had hoped I would, and Crossing Borders, though I'm sure worthy for many, addresses a lot of things that studying in England don't really require. The only class that's going the way I had hoped and that I enjoy is my Philosophy of Art class. I shouldn't complain, though, it's not like I'm dying. It's just that I had been really looking forward to this semester and I've already realized it's definitely not going to be what I thought it would. I guess I just need to learn to go into my classes without having expectations and then I'll probably be much happier with them.
Other things are going ok though. I'm happy to be back at the Oracle, even though half the time I still feel like more of a hindrance than a help. It's such a fun, relaxed atmosphere though, and pretty much everyone else there is cool to hang out with. And I think I'm going to try a new church this weekend; the Presbyterian one a couple of blocks away looks kind of cool, so I just may check it out. I miss my church from home. It's such a good community of people and Pastor Steve rocks. I'll have to keep looking down here for somewhere I feel at home.
Anywho, there isn't a whole lot that's interesting going on in my life right now, so I'm out for this Friday night.

sick

Hey, y'all. For those of you who pray, if you could send a quick one my way that would rock. I am still really really sick. I can't seem to shake my fever and I cannot for the life of me stop coughing and aching...it's really not cool. Anyway I'm super tired and I need to work on my final project for my j-term class but that's taking basically all of my energy right now. I hope you all are doing well though! Have a super week.

not again!

I'm sickety-mcsick-sickerson today. I was just sick like a month ago over Christmas with the flu and now I'm fevery and achy and hacking away like a cat with a hairball. Nice idea, isn't it? I felt fine yesterday and ok this morning but over the course of the day - BANG! - some alien virus has taken over my body and made it weak and fickle. I wouldn't actually even mind that much except that it's basically too much effort to even recopy my notes for class, which I really have to do this weekend. So this is pretty much just a disctraction for myself for a minute or two to avoid attempting to do my homework, but I think I'm going to go take a nap now and then get back to it. God bless, y'all.

morning comes

Well I'm not nearly so cranky and despairing as I was last night, but I'm definitely still very bummed out about this summer. I will probably just work at the resort again; I'll ask them for a raise and I think they'll give it to me. I was a good employee - I complained to everyone else ABOUT my job, but I didn't complain at work and I was always on time and never called in sick, plus now I am already trained, so I don't think asking for a raise is too unreasonable. I'm just going to really really miss having the companionship of the friends that I've spent the last three summers with, but I guess that's just part of growing up. Growing up sucks. I'm 20 years old - 20!!! Which I know isn't particularly old, but I feel strange not being a teenager anymore. I'm techinically in the category of "young adult" and I'm not sure that's something I'm really ready for.
Last weekend when I was home, I saw "In Good Company" with Adam. It was a really good movie, but that isn't the point. The movie is partly about corporate takeovers and instability in jobs and winding up in a job you thought you wanted but hating it. What if that's what happens? I'm putting all this hope into someday going into editing/publishing in children's literature, and I either never get there or get there and wind up failing utterly? Frightening thought. I guess there's no way to know until I get there, though, right? So the best thing is just to keep praying and listening and going on ahead. I know now that I do NOT want to be a film critic, anyway. I used to think that would be such a cool, fun job, but now that all I do is watch movies and write about them, I'm totally sick of it and it's only been a couple of weeks :) so that is obviously not the place for me.
I'm really excited about being the new Opinions editor for the Oracle, though. I think that will help a ton in a lot of ways - as soon as the Oracle's up and running I'll be spending more time with the kiddies there and I will not only be less bored, I'll definitely be less lonely. I didn't realize how much I depended on working there until we stopped putting out production for J-term and now I can't wait to get back.
In the meantime, however, I have two (!!) films to watch today for class, which we aren't even supposed to HAVE today; it's a Monday-Thursday class. Yechh. Oh well. Off I go.

and so it goes...

Well, today has certainly been interesting. It's a bizarre mix of things that life has thrown my way lately. First, there are some personal issues that I don't want to get into too much. Just suffice it to say that I have feelings for a guy that I shouldn't have feelings for because the whole situation is just- it's just absurd, really, and I think I may be slightly insane. But I have also been really involved in my relationship with God lately and that has been better than it's been in weeks...months, actually, and that rocks. However, I also just found out that my summer is pretty much going to suck, since Mary, Joe, Krystle, Pete Lund, and Bernadette will almost all most likely not be around. It's going to be a very lonely summer. And the thing is, none of them need me anymore. I mean, I know they love me, and we are all of course still friends- but all of them have somehow seemed to move on with life so much better than I have and I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but all my best friends are still from high school. Maybe I just am terrible at meeting people, or maybe I'm honestly just a person that other people don't really want to get to know. All I know is that I'm lonely, and I have been for awhile, but I don't think I realized how lonely I was until I realized I was going to be home this summer without any of my best friends there and pretty much no one to hang out with. I don't think I can afford to NOT live at home this summer what with study abroad next year and all, but it's looking like a long lonely summer this year. Mary has her SPO people and Krystle will be in NYC and Joe will be in Brazil and Bernadette and Pete will probably both be working at camp...and that leaves me, pathetic and alone. And the thing is, even if I were going to stay down here it wouldn't matter because I really don't have any really good friends down here except for Brit. I have a ton of people on campus that are cool to chill with and talk to, but I haven't been able to really connect with them. As satisfying as I honestly feel like my academic education has been here, there is a severe shortage of other students who don't like to party or are religiously committed. Of course, I can be friends with people who party and who don't have deep religious convictions, but I feel like there's so much I'm not able to share with those people, which is a lot of what has been holding me back from making really good friends here at school. Aaargh. I don't know. I'm just tired, I think, and more than a little frustrated with my severe lack of social skills, and upset at the prospect of a summer alone in Staples (which I think, actually, is pretty understandable). So that's it for tonight, I'm fairly talked out for now. And so to bed.

crunch time

I will be on my merry way home in just over 24 hours, and I'm amazed at how glad I am about that. It's been a pretty good semester, but I'm just tired and worn out. I need to go home, and I'm glad that I get to do that tomorrow.
I'm trying to buckle down and WRITE my final paper for lit. theory, already, but I'm having a lot of trouble caring enough to write a good paper. And knowing that I have to spit out an Ethics paper after that doesn't make it any easier, even though both are relatively short and not really that difficult to write.
Brit missed her jury for bass lessons yesterday, which is definitely bad. Basically it means she is screwed for any kind of decent grade in that, because she has to be graded on performance (since that's the Hamline Plan credit that goes along with the course) and the only day that the jury met was yesterday. I feel so crappy for her; that would suck so absolutely. I don't have any understanding of how that might affect a person, but I'm pretty sure I'd be banging my head against the wall. She, however, is handling it with much more maturity and grace than I suspect I might.
At least classes are done. I had really good courses and profs. this semester, but I'm so tired and there has been such an incredible amount of shit that has happened in the lives of so many of my friends that I just want to go home and be with them. I don't want to get into any details (because details would take volumes upon volumes in order to explain everything properly) but suffice it to say that I need to spend some time with them.

Aaargh!!

Finals! They're killin' me, man. Not really. I'm already finished with two classes, which is awesome. At the end of my Brit. Lit. final today (which was TOUGH, by the way!) my prof. asked me to come see her in her office later, so I started to freak out and tried to remember if there were assignments I had somehow missed or something, but such was not the case. She asked what year I was, and when I told her I was a sophomore, she said, "Well, what I have to say to you might then be irrelevant," and she told me that she was going to ask me to apply to the conferences that English majors can apply for but that they usually only consider juniors/seniors who have gone through the Seminar course already, which I have (obviously) not done yet. She told me that my being a sophomore only made my work more remarkable (!!!!!) and that she hoped I would keep it in mind.
And I am not using this as an outlet for bragging or anything, but this just made my day so wonderful. I know I should be over the whole worrying if I'm good enough in my major and worrying about not having any skills, but I'm not. I usually manage to put up a much more secure front than I actually have, and so this was so incredibly reassuring and wonderful for me.
I'm the same way about working at the Oracle; most of the time I just think I'm wasting their time or taking up space. Which is probably not necessarily true, but I feel so worthless around there sometimes! Then again, if I were really worthless, Graham and Manney probably wouldn't be as nice to me as they are. So maybe it's all okay.
I also had my R.A. interview yesterday. I think it went reasonably well, but now that I know they are interviewing a total of ten people for the position and two of those people are already C.A.s on campus, I'm really not expecting to get it anymore at all. But who knows, I guess it could happen, I'm just very aware that the odds aren't too much in my favor.
Truly, today has been so much better than I would have expected. I still have two papers to finish up for Lit. Theory and Ethics by Thursday, but I'm actually planning (hoping) to finish them tomorrow so that I have all day Thursday to clean up our room and to pack and such. I'm so thrilled to be going home on Thursday! I just have to remember to call Dad and tell him to bring some Christmas cookies with him for the ride home. And to pack up all my laundry and sweaters for skiing and stuff. I wasn't very excited about going skiing, and I'm still not, but maybe it will be more fun than I anticipated. Who knows, right? seems to be my phrase of the day.
Well, I've got to work and get going on those papers today as well, so I'm out for now, but I haven't been wanting to blog in ages and suddenly today was overcome with a need to write SOMETHING, anything, so at least I have this outlet. Huzzah for blogs.

is it really almost october!?

Goodness, how this month has flown by! Holy cats. I can't believe it's the last day of the month already. School is in grand swing, and things are going pretty well. I got hired the other day as the brand new Associate Editor for the Oracle, which is pretty cool because the campus paper is actually quite a good one for the most part. I'm also still busy with being HIRC secretary and still doing some NCC business, plus I'm getting sort of re-involved with Inter-Varsity and working at the Wesley Center again, so combine those things with my homework and I don't exactly have tons of free time floating around. My classes are really interesting though, for the most part, and I'm glad I'm taking them. I especially enjoy my British Lit. class and Ethics, but Lit. Theory and my "Disease and Society in International Perspectives" are going okay, too. I think. I hope.

Anywho, though, I have class later tonight (6:30) and I have to do my British Lit. as well as eat dinner before class and meet with my debate team at 5:30 before class, so I'm off for the evening.

ah, such is life.

Hey, everyone, guess what!??! I'm still at work and I'm still bored. But it's cool because I only have three more hours to be here...haha. Aaargh. Ok. New rule for this post; no more whining. I do far, far too much of it anyway.
I heard from Krystle today, which was super. Golly gosh whizzbang, I miss that girl! I don't know what to do without her. I'm like, "Hmm...I want to see a movie with Krystle!" And then I pick up the phone to call her and then I remember that she is in New York, for cryin' out loud. She called me the other night (if briefly) to excitedly tell me that she had just come within like a foot of Hugh Jackman. My jealousy, needless to say, is immense.
I have not heard from Leslie now since the last time I saw him, which was a rather awkward event that took place a couple of weeks ago...though I did hear from my roommate that he randomly stopped by our room to offer to hook up her new computer. I thought that was a bit strange and a little weird, that he knew where our room was and that he got in with his tech keys to do that. But as my mother said, if we were just friends and we had never dated, I probably wouldn't think anything of it. I countered with the argument that if we had never dated, he probably wouldn't be offering to do that for Brit in the first place. I'm probably stressing about it too much, but I can't help it. I hate to say it, but things were left so awkwardly between us that I cannot help feeling a little weirded out by what he did. Hamline, though, is a rather small campus and I suppose I ought to just get used to the idea that I'm going to have to run into him all year anyway. I just don't want to. I would rather (selfish and terrible as this is) spend my time thinking about other things. It was never as good a relationship as I thought it ought to be. I think there was seemingly so much in him that I thought I wanted or should want that I talked myself into believing it was a better, healthier relationship than it ever truly was. Shame on me. And none of that is his fault, because the problems I saw in the relationship are things he never thought of. Ironically, that's what the problem WAS- our priorities and ideas of what the relationship ought to be were so different that I now know I'm so much better off as I am. Sigh. If only I'd realized it sooner.
Hmm. Well, I guess that's not at all complaining, though it is a most melancholy post. However, I do feel better and I have whiled away another twenty minutes or so of my work shift, so 'tis a deed well done.

ho-hum...

Well, I've been at work for a grand total of...let's see...28 minutes and already I'm bored. I'm afraid it's going to be a long night, however, it's going to be my very last long night, as this is the last time I will close this office. I work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, but all on day shifts, so I am nearing the finish now. I will be so glad to get back to school! I'm actually quite looking forward to most of my classes; the only one I'm a tad nervous about is my Literary Theory class because I hear the prof. is a bit of an ogre. This is most unfortunate, as I am an English major and she is the head of the department, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she will like me!
In my English-major nerdiness, I have been lately re-reading many of my classic favorites- I've been on a particularly large Jane Austen kick and have already re-read "Emma" and "Pride and Prejudice." I need most especially to re-read "Northanger Abbey" though, for I've read it only once before and if I intend to declare myself a true Jane Austen fan, I have concluded that I must be able to say that I've read all of her complete novels multiple times, and this is currently a true statement with the singular exception of "Northanger Abbey." Haha! I just re-read that paragraph, and its form and structure seem to reveal how engrossed I have been in Austen lately. It actually sounds a little pretentious, but that's okay.
I had been planning to visit St. Ben's/St. John's tomorrow but I do not now foresee that happening. I'm so busy trying to get all the rest of my things organized for going back to school that I still have quite a lot of cleaning and packing and organizing to do, and I really ought to visit my grandparents tomorrow as well. Ashley and I talked about having dinner in St. Cloud on Monday night; perhaps she can talk Caitlin and/or Jake into coming with as well...
Well, this post is getting rather long and tedious and is likely of very little interest to anyone but my own self, so off I go to do...well, something.

ain't i sweet? 

so, this whole following through thing...

Haha, so much for my glorious plans to keep up in my blog! I've been much better at keeping up with my regular journal.
I find myself growing pensive as summer draws to a close...it's really been a wonderful summer for me, for the most part. There have, of course, been some disappointments and sadnesses, but overall I've just been so much happier than I have in so long! I miss everyone who's gone now, of course, because it's a bit lonely being on my own, but much of my loneliness was alleviated this weekend when I saw Pete, Caitlin, Jake Swenson and a bunch o' his friends from St. John's at the State Fair. I had a super day, just hanging out with and seeing the friends. Haha, Jake's new friends probably thought I was either weird or stuck up or crazy but it's ok because I had fun and they were all pretty cool. I miss Krystle so, so much though! But it sounds like she's having a wonderful time in NYC, and I'm very glad for her. I would rather she be very happy and myself a little lonely than anything else.
We have an exchange student at my house, too, her name is Hanna and she's really nice. But I feel bad because I'm so terrible at making conversation and getting to know people and she probably finds me hideously dull. Oh well; I'm trying. I really am.
All of my stuff is moved down to the cities now; I desperately wanted to just stay on campus after that. I just didn't want to bother coming home. I'm amazingly excited for this school year to begin; I'll be secretary of HIRC and active in my hall and (keep your fingers crossed everyone) will also hopefully be either a reporter/writer or editor for The Oracle, which would be so much fun. I would love to be the opinions editor, but it's kind of a long shot for me to go after it, so we shall see. I also really need to start preparing for study abroad...so much to keep me busy this year!
Well, I must be going, for I have lots to do today on my almost last day off from work, so I'm outta here for now, but if you all are reading this I hope you're enjoying it! Or at least not being bored to tears.

new blog...

I decided it was time to leave my livejournal account, because...well, mostly because I was bored with it. And also because I wanted to try some new stuff, which I couldn't do at that place. This site gives me a bit more freedom to do whatever I want, so I'm going to try to get used to it before myself and all my friends go away to school. The title of this blog, I must admit, I have stolen from a poem that my good friend Mary wrote a long time ago. She might be surprised to find that I still have the poem. It's not my poem to post here, but it's one of my favorite things that she's ever written, and it somehow reminds me to take life as seriously as possible and yet not so seriously at the same time. If that makes any sense. Anyway I have to be off to work at my lovely job but I may update more from there; for now, I just wanted to get this thing started.