I am not very good at allowing myself to be happy, and to just stay in that moment of being happy. Instead, I somehow manage to look too far ahead and worry about what might happen instead of the good that is already happening.
Its hard for her to say things to people and even harder for her to trust guys, because prior to you, she had a real knack for dating assholes who couldnt even come close to deserving or appreciating her. You I do not classify in that group, because my impression upon meeting you was that youre a genuinely nice, funny, smart guy who cares very deeply about her. And she knows that, on some logical level, but on the scared, terrified, repeatedly-hurt part of her is still really afraid of how much she loves you because that makes her vulnerable to you, and in the past that hasnt worked out so well for her.
The thing about women is that many of us have a tendency to overthink things and panic. And sometimes when good things happen to us, we are petrified because we feel that we dont deserve them, and that they cant possibly last, because there is no way we can deserve something so good in our life. Because so much that was wrong has come before, we can't accept that something completely right will ever actually come along. So we hurt the other person to hurt ourselves, and we hate that we do it, and it hurts us, but not as much as if we allowed ourselves to be hurt first. And so knowing how much she wants to be with you and how much she loves you frightens her, so she sometimes flips out and says and does things she knows, really, she doesn't want to.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Saturday, July 07, 2007
work in progress
I posted this a couple of years ago. It's gone through some revision - nothing as substantial as I'd like - but I've been trying to write a tiny bit more again lately, so this is what I've been working on. It still kind of sucks - it's overwrought and too wordy and has some other problems as well. But I'm working on it. So here it is:
She sits perched on the corner of her bed, looking out the window, hair in her eyes. She hasn’t showered today. It seems much too pointless to bother with when it’s so hard to even get herself dressed in the morning. She's too tired to bother brushing the hair away as it drifts across her forehead and down into her eyes - or maybe she just doesn't notice anymore - so instead she keeps her arms folded across her as though they can keep her thoughts from exploding out of her chest, through her lungs, and into her voice. As long as they stay buried, perhaps they aren't real.
Cold as she is, the uncried tears build and build behind her eyes and burn around her heart until her chest, aching, heaves with strangled sobs. But she refuses to let the tears fall because she is uncertain that she would be able to stop them and she doesn’t want to wake her roommate or the neighbors.
But her hands are ice cold. The draft sliding under the loosely locked window envelops and shrouds her and she thinks about reaching for a blanket before shivering and wrapping her arms around herself more tightly, trying to cradle her entire body in those long arms.
She hasn't slept in days now, at least not really, and it's starting to show. The slivers of darkness growing under her eyes reflect the growing darkness in her mind, thoughts swimming through her mind trying to cover the occasional restfulness. She has snatched an hour of sleep here and there, each time praying her exhausted mind and body will be allowed to sink into oblivion for at least a few hours, but the wakefulness, unwanted, always comes calling.
It's four a.m. and she's still looking out the window. Her roommate wakes up and asks what she's doing, mumbles in annoyance, "you have a final in the morning and so do I so go to sleep." But she doesn't understand that sleep isn't something that can be commanded, it's something that will only come uninvited.
She presses her face against the frosty-edged window, miniature lacy pieces of ice outlining the antique wood. She stifles a laugh, almost hysterical, as she remembers how miraculous and beautiful she once thought snow could be – now it seems the height of absurdity, to remember the sense of wonder and aliveness that she hasn’t now felt for the last week. She strains her eyes, desperate to see the stars that are blotted out by the dim orangeness of the city lights, craning her head upward so long that her neck becomes stiff and knotted with anxiety about the vanished stars. What if the stars are like her thoughts, and not seeing them makes them untrue?
Suddenly she's crying and she can't feel them slipping down her face like rain down a windowpane, but they course down her face and drip onto the bedspread. Her roommate sits up again and asks what's wrong? But she can't speak for the longest time and when the girl in the bottom bunk falls asleep again she thinks to herself that maybe the stars aren't gone, maybe she just can't see them anymore.
She sits perched on the corner of her bed, looking out the window, hair in her eyes. She hasn’t showered today. It seems much too pointless to bother with when it’s so hard to even get herself dressed in the morning. She's too tired to bother brushing the hair away as it drifts across her forehead and down into her eyes - or maybe she just doesn't notice anymore - so instead she keeps her arms folded across her as though they can keep her thoughts from exploding out of her chest, through her lungs, and into her voice. As long as they stay buried, perhaps they aren't real.
Cold as she is, the uncried tears build and build behind her eyes and burn around her heart until her chest, aching, heaves with strangled sobs. But she refuses to let the tears fall because she is uncertain that she would be able to stop them and she doesn’t want to wake her roommate or the neighbors.
But her hands are ice cold. The draft sliding under the loosely locked window envelops and shrouds her and she thinks about reaching for a blanket before shivering and wrapping her arms around herself more tightly, trying to cradle her entire body in those long arms.
She hasn't slept in days now, at least not really, and it's starting to show. The slivers of darkness growing under her eyes reflect the growing darkness in her mind, thoughts swimming through her mind trying to cover the occasional restfulness. She has snatched an hour of sleep here and there, each time praying her exhausted mind and body will be allowed to sink into oblivion for at least a few hours, but the wakefulness, unwanted, always comes calling.
It's four a.m. and she's still looking out the window. Her roommate wakes up and asks what she's doing, mumbles in annoyance, "you have a final in the morning and so do I so go to sleep." But she doesn't understand that sleep isn't something that can be commanded, it's something that will only come uninvited.
She presses her face against the frosty-edged window, miniature lacy pieces of ice outlining the antique wood. She stifles a laugh, almost hysterical, as she remembers how miraculous and beautiful she once thought snow could be – now it seems the height of absurdity, to remember the sense of wonder and aliveness that she hasn’t now felt for the last week. She strains her eyes, desperate to see the stars that are blotted out by the dim orangeness of the city lights, craning her head upward so long that her neck becomes stiff and knotted with anxiety about the vanished stars. What if the stars are like her thoughts, and not seeing them makes them untrue?
Suddenly she's crying and she can't feel them slipping down her face like rain down a windowpane, but they course down her face and drip onto the bedspread. Her roommate sits up again and asks what's wrong? But she can't speak for the longest time and when the girl in the bottom bunk falls asleep again she thinks to herself that maybe the stars aren't gone, maybe she just can't see them anymore.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
months later
It's been almost two years now. It seems impossible that in the span of two years (out of 22, really, not much) – impossible that in the short span of 24 months, I should forget his laugh. But I cannot quite grasp it anymore. It's become this shadow of a memory that I once clung to. After he died, I felt so sure that if I could just remember a few specific essential things – his laugh, the crinkle of his eyes, the sweaters – that I would be able to keep him with me. Instead I feel bits and pieces of him slipping away. At first, I thought of him so many times a day that it would have been impossible to count the instances. Now, I think of him much less often – perhaps about once a day.
The forgetting terrifies me on some level – if I forget things, does it mean I don't care or that the experience is somehow less a part of me than it used to be? If we stop spending time thinking about all the things that go wrong, does it mean we do a disservice to those who left us behind, or does it mean we're finally getting on with our lives and that we're healthier and happier than we used to be? The realization of the forgetting makes me unspeakably shaken. I realize, with a jolt, that I've been happier these days. That realization is what worries me – should I feel that way? Is forgetting, allowing memories to dim, wounds to close, flames to fade to embers and then to merely shimmering, dimly glowering ashes, a way that we try to get rid of the pain? Or is it merely the natural progression of a pain diminished?
After he died, I wrote. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote, page after page of every memory I could muster. I was so afraid of forgetting that I wrote down every detail I could think of. What I didn't realize is that no matter how many words you use to try to explain to yourself the ways in which he mattered to you, the details of them will slip away, curling up at the edges like a photograph. The edges of the memories blur, as though you're watching them like a movie in your head through a soft-focus lens, and regardless of how hard you try to focus and squint to see more clearly, the crystal sharpness with which the memories once stabbed you turns soft, slippery, elusive. And you find pieces of them missing. The puzzle, once whole, is suddenly missing a piece around the edge – it's fallen off the table, into the crack between the wall and the carpet, and you just can't quite reach it.
I haven't written much lately. It has to do with that happier feeling I've been having. There's a wonderful boy/man (which I don't mean condescendingly - I still think of myself as a girl and almost never a woman), and I love him. What a strange thing to say. He never gets upset (which sounds like a good thing, but trust me, isn't always), he is impossibly stubborn, and he has the bizarre concepts of what is right and fair sometimes. But he cares about me and treats me with more respect and love than almost anyone else I've known, and for once I'm not in a relationship wondering what on earth I'm doing in the relationship – it's a safe place I've landed. Comfortable, happy, calm.
I'm afraid of the comfortableness ending with graduation. We've talked about post-graduation, and we have both made it quite clear that we'd like to stay together – but there is so much uncertainty about where we'll both be. We could wind up on different sides of the country. And I have no experience with long-distance relationships, and I'm afraid of it all falling apart. Afraid that he'll move to Seattle or Portland and meet some cool, laid-back west coast girl who's much better suited to his easygoing temperament, and that things with me will just become too difficult, and that I won't be worth it anymore.
Which is, I suppose, what's at the bottom of my fears – the fear of not being good enough, or not being worth it, is at the heart of most of my relationship worries, and often it turns out to be the correct one. I know, logically, that such is not the case here – for whatever absurd reason, he seems to think I'm pretty great. But there is this nagging worry, I think, that eventually he will realize I'm not, and that will be the end of things. And staying here is out of the question. Despite my happiness, and despite the wonderful friends I have here, lately it is impossible for me to escape the conviction that I'll suffocate if I don't leave soon. Maybe the fear is a good thing - it shows how much I value what I have right now.
In my Women's Writing of WWI class, the reading we've been doing has been quite sobering for me. Especially what we're reading right now – Testament of Youth – is absolutely wrenching. It seems so impossible for such awful things to be true. It seems so utterly unthinkable to me that such a life could happen – that everyone dear to me could die in one inglorious sweep of nationalism. It breaks my heart. And I know that much of the same thing is happening still today in the world – I know it to be true, but I cannot quite believe it.
The forgetting terrifies me on some level – if I forget things, does it mean I don't care or that the experience is somehow less a part of me than it used to be? If we stop spending time thinking about all the things that go wrong, does it mean we do a disservice to those who left us behind, or does it mean we're finally getting on with our lives and that we're healthier and happier than we used to be? The realization of the forgetting makes me unspeakably shaken. I realize, with a jolt, that I've been happier these days. That realization is what worries me – should I feel that way? Is forgetting, allowing memories to dim, wounds to close, flames to fade to embers and then to merely shimmering, dimly glowering ashes, a way that we try to get rid of the pain? Or is it merely the natural progression of a pain diminished?
After he died, I wrote. I wrote, and wrote, and wrote, page after page of every memory I could muster. I was so afraid of forgetting that I wrote down every detail I could think of. What I didn't realize is that no matter how many words you use to try to explain to yourself the ways in which he mattered to you, the details of them will slip away, curling up at the edges like a photograph. The edges of the memories blur, as though you're watching them like a movie in your head through a soft-focus lens, and regardless of how hard you try to focus and squint to see more clearly, the crystal sharpness with which the memories once stabbed you turns soft, slippery, elusive. And you find pieces of them missing. The puzzle, once whole, is suddenly missing a piece around the edge – it's fallen off the table, into the crack between the wall and the carpet, and you just can't quite reach it.
I haven't written much lately. It has to do with that happier feeling I've been having. There's a wonderful boy/man (which I don't mean condescendingly - I still think of myself as a girl and almost never a woman), and I love him. What a strange thing to say. He never gets upset (which sounds like a good thing, but trust me, isn't always), he is impossibly stubborn, and he has the bizarre concepts of what is right and fair sometimes. But he cares about me and treats me with more respect and love than almost anyone else I've known, and for once I'm not in a relationship wondering what on earth I'm doing in the relationship – it's a safe place I've landed. Comfortable, happy, calm.
I'm afraid of the comfortableness ending with graduation. We've talked about post-graduation, and we have both made it quite clear that we'd like to stay together – but there is so much uncertainty about where we'll both be. We could wind up on different sides of the country. And I have no experience with long-distance relationships, and I'm afraid of it all falling apart. Afraid that he'll move to Seattle or Portland and meet some cool, laid-back west coast girl who's much better suited to his easygoing temperament, and that things with me will just become too difficult, and that I won't be worth it anymore.
Which is, I suppose, what's at the bottom of my fears – the fear of not being good enough, or not being worth it, is at the heart of most of my relationship worries, and often it turns out to be the correct one. I know, logically, that such is not the case here – for whatever absurd reason, he seems to think I'm pretty great. But there is this nagging worry, I think, that eventually he will realize I'm not, and that will be the end of things. And staying here is out of the question. Despite my happiness, and despite the wonderful friends I have here, lately it is impossible for me to escape the conviction that I'll suffocate if I don't leave soon. Maybe the fear is a good thing - it shows how much I value what I have right now.
In my Women's Writing of WWI class, the reading we've been doing has been quite sobering for me. Especially what we're reading right now – Testament of Youth – is absolutely wrenching. It seems so impossible for such awful things to be true. It seems so utterly unthinkable to me that such a life could happen – that everyone dear to me could die in one inglorious sweep of nationalism. It breaks my heart. And I know that much of the same thing is happening still today in the world – I know it to be true, but I cannot quite believe it.
Friday, January 05, 2007
2006 in review
BASICS
Age you turned: 22
Did you grow?: not physically at all
School/Work: i spent a lot of time adjusting to not being in England anymore. i had a good spring semester, a great summer, and a tough fall. i'm glad it's done.
IM Screen name(s): everyone who needs it already has it, i'm reasonably sure.
Best birthday gift: trip to chicago from my parents
Best Christmas/holiday gift: books, oh, wonderful books!
Most important thing you learned: to trust myself more.
Did your physical appearance change?: not really. my hair's a little shorter; that's about it.
Did you personally change?: oh jeepers. yeah, just a little.
Best month(s): december was awfully good in most ways. also, july and august - i had a good summer this year.
PEOPLE
Best friend(s): oh, there's lots of marvelous people in my life. i'm a lucky lady.
New friend(s): several this year. i enjoy it.
Lose any friends?: i don't think so
Lose any family members?: my grandma.
Any new family members?: eva grace, my cousin's baby, and ashley's baby jeremiah should probably count too.
Most influential person(s): oh my. all of those marvelous people i know are so important in so many ways.
LOVE/RELATIONSHIPS
Have any crushes?: oh, many.
How many relationships?: umm...three
Longest relationship this year? i guess june/july to...october, i think?
Did you have your heart broken?: maybe a bit
FUN STUFF
Did you party?: ha, finally, yes.
Did you throw any parties?: malin's 21st and our random impromptu summer drinking party and our random christmas party
Best winter event: not so much an event as a gradual process, i think...
Best spring event: visiting krystle in new york ranks pretty high
Best summer event: it wasn't really a summer of events so much as a summer of general good stuff.
Best autumn event: as mal mentioned, halloween WAS pretty fun. all the times i've seen the robot house band at big v's have also been mighty good times.
FUTURE
Plans for the new year?: ideally? go to new york or boston or san francisco and read all day deciding what things get published.
Hopes for the new year?: lots of laughing, fun times, and more kevin bacon movie viewing.
New Years Resolution: be happier
Goals you want to accomplish: work out, don't end up living in a box.
Anything you're putting behind you?: self-doubt, ideally.
Age you will turn: 23. yikes!
Any big changes taking place?: hmm, new relationship, new friends, and hopefully new location in the not-so-distant future.
Going anywhere?: everywhere i can afford.
Age you turned: 22
Did you grow?: not physically at all
School/Work: i spent a lot of time adjusting to not being in England anymore. i had a good spring semester, a great summer, and a tough fall. i'm glad it's done.
IM Screen name(s): everyone who needs it already has it, i'm reasonably sure.
Best birthday gift: trip to chicago from my parents
Best Christmas/holiday gift: books, oh, wonderful books!
Most important thing you learned: to trust myself more.
Did your physical appearance change?: not really. my hair's a little shorter; that's about it.
Did you personally change?: oh jeepers. yeah, just a little.
Best month(s): december was awfully good in most ways. also, july and august - i had a good summer this year.
PEOPLE
Best friend(s): oh, there's lots of marvelous people in my life. i'm a lucky lady.
New friend(s): several this year. i enjoy it.
Lose any friends?: i don't think so
Lose any family members?: my grandma.
Any new family members?: eva grace, my cousin's baby, and ashley's baby jeremiah should probably count too.
Most influential person(s): oh my. all of those marvelous people i know are so important in so many ways.
LOVE/RELATIONSHIPS
Have any crushes?: oh, many.
How many relationships?: umm...three
Longest relationship this year? i guess june/july to...october, i think?
Did you have your heart broken?: maybe a bit
FUN STUFF
Did you party?: ha, finally, yes.
Did you throw any parties?: malin's 21st and our random impromptu summer drinking party and our random christmas party
Best winter event: not so much an event as a gradual process, i think...
Best spring event: visiting krystle in new york ranks pretty high
Best summer event: it wasn't really a summer of events so much as a summer of general good stuff.
Best autumn event: as mal mentioned, halloween WAS pretty fun. all the times i've seen the robot house band at big v's have also been mighty good times.
FUTURE
Plans for the new year?: ideally? go to new york or boston or san francisco and read all day deciding what things get published.
Hopes for the new year?: lots of laughing, fun times, and more kevin bacon movie viewing.
New Years Resolution: be happier
Goals you want to accomplish: work out, don't end up living in a box.
Anything you're putting behind you?: self-doubt, ideally.
Age you will turn: 23. yikes!
Any big changes taking place?: hmm, new relationship, new friends, and hopefully new location in the not-so-distant future.
Going anywhere?: everywhere i can afford.
Friday, December 22, 2006
life is good.
Lately people have been trying to convince me that I am probably a good creative writer, to which I can only answer "please." I never quite get the phrasing right, and I don't have very good ideas. Hence my desire to enter into publishing. They say those who can't do, teach. Well, those who can't write, edit. At least in my case. Some editors, I suppose, are excellent writers but I am not. Better than some, probably, but I came to the realization a very long time ago that any creative ambitions I had were going to have to find a channel other than writing because it just never comes out right. It ends up flat and stale and pallid.
I've got one semester left of college. One. That's it! It seems somehow monstrously unfair that just when I'm feeling incredibly happy and comfortable on campus that I have to graduate in a few months, but I suppose that means I'll just have to make the most of whatever comes. Which is something I've been getting better at doing, by the way. The last few weeks there were lots of nights I probably should've stayed in and chose to go out instead. But the thing is, no matter how much I love spending time with these kids and how good of friends we are, I probably won't see most of them again after a few months, which is a terrifying thought. That's why I'm spending New Year's in Midway. Mel wanted to go out to the T-Rock, and part of me of course wants to go to the killer free show they are having - but this section of St. Paul just tugs at my heartstrings, to borrow someone else's tired cliche, and I feel like I should stay here. There are, of course, other incentives, but that's a big part of it. It's also nice to be able to stumble home when necessary and not worry about how to get to/from places.
Home for Christmas tomorrow. Strange, how much I used to love love love! going home over break and now I feel like eight days will be far too long. I love my family, and I love my hometown, but I grew out of being the girl who grew up there and I have so little in common anymore with even most of my best friends from high school that I always feel just slightly an intruder in the town that raised me. Also, it will be strange to have Christmas without both of my grandparents. I miss them, especially my grandma. She loved Christmas so much. Loved to see her family come home and gather around her and be together. It'll be strange not having to cook and pack an entire Christmas dinner to take over to the nursing home, and as much of a pain as trying to transport all those cookies and turkey and potatoes and break could be, I'm going to miss even doing that. Most of all I'll miss her though. There will never be another person in the world, I think, who loves me so selflessly as she did - her face just lit up every time I came to visit, and I didn't even do that as often as I should.
Life in general right now is awfully good though. No stress, no worries. New friends. Good parties, good wine, good company. This is the life I plan to maintain over J-term and the spring semester, minus some of the good wine sometimes. Saw the ex the other night and I didn't even care, which was a good feeling. I'm a lucky girl.
I've got one semester left of college. One. That's it! It seems somehow monstrously unfair that just when I'm feeling incredibly happy and comfortable on campus that I have to graduate in a few months, but I suppose that means I'll just have to make the most of whatever comes. Which is something I've been getting better at doing, by the way. The last few weeks there were lots of nights I probably should've stayed in and chose to go out instead. But the thing is, no matter how much I love spending time with these kids and how good of friends we are, I probably won't see most of them again after a few months, which is a terrifying thought. That's why I'm spending New Year's in Midway. Mel wanted to go out to the T-Rock, and part of me of course wants to go to the killer free show they are having - but this section of St. Paul just tugs at my heartstrings, to borrow someone else's tired cliche, and I feel like I should stay here. There are, of course, other incentives, but that's a big part of it. It's also nice to be able to stumble home when necessary and not worry about how to get to/from places.
Home for Christmas tomorrow. Strange, how much I used to love love love! going home over break and now I feel like eight days will be far too long. I love my family, and I love my hometown, but I grew out of being the girl who grew up there and I have so little in common anymore with even most of my best friends from high school that I always feel just slightly an intruder in the town that raised me. Also, it will be strange to have Christmas without both of my grandparents. I miss them, especially my grandma. She loved Christmas so much. Loved to see her family come home and gather around her and be together. It'll be strange not having to cook and pack an entire Christmas dinner to take over to the nursing home, and as much of a pain as trying to transport all those cookies and turkey and potatoes and break could be, I'm going to miss even doing that. Most of all I'll miss her though. There will never be another person in the world, I think, who loves me so selflessly as she did - her face just lit up every time I came to visit, and I didn't even do that as often as I should.
Life in general right now is awfully good though. No stress, no worries. New friends. Good parties, good wine, good company. This is the life I plan to maintain over J-term and the spring semester, minus some of the good wine sometimes. Saw the ex the other night and I didn't even care, which was a good feeling. I'm a lucky girl.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
if my life was a movie written by itunes...
As defined by iTunes, in the case of my life being a movie.
I quote jake: “this is sweet, i did it more for my own amusement than yours, but it's here, so feel free to read it and love me for it. DO IT.”
if your life were a movie, what would the soundtrack be?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that plays
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...
[OPENING CREDITS]: "All the Miles” – Amy Millan
[WAKING UP]: "Hesitation Station" – the Lawrence Arms
[FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL]: "It’s a Hit" – We are Scientists
[FALLING IN LOVE]: "What if You” – Joshua Radin. Sad.
[FIGHT SONG]: "100 Resolutions” – the Lawrence Arms
[BREAKING UP]: "’Til it Happens to You” – Corinne Bailey Rae
[PROM]: "Memories" – Eisley
[LIFE]: "Your Ex-Lover is Dead" – Stars.
[MENTAL BREAKDOWN]: "Cathedrals" – Jump Little Children. AMAZINGLY appropriate, especially for me.
[DRIVING]: "You Only Live Once" – the Strokes. Is this supposed to be a remark on my driving? Because I am a good driver. I swear.
[FLASHBACK]: "The Saddest Song" – the Cardinal Sin. I can see this making sense.
[WEDDING]: "’Til Kingdom Come" – Coldplay. It doesn’t really fit, but that’s okay. I like the song.
[BIRTH OF CHILD]: "Oh My Love" – John Lennon
[FINAL BATTLE]: “Young for Eternity” – the Subways
[DEATH SCENE]: "Petals" – The Honorary Title
[FUNERAL SONG]: "In the Sun" – Joseph Arthur
[END CREDITS]: "Life is Beautiful" – Vega4. Good!
I quote jake: “this is sweet, i did it more for my own amusement than yours, but it's here, so feel free to read it and love me for it. DO IT.”
if your life were a movie, what would the soundtrack be?
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that plays
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...
[OPENING CREDITS]: "All the Miles” – Amy Millan
[WAKING UP]: "Hesitation Station" – the Lawrence Arms
[FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL]: "It’s a Hit" – We are Scientists
[FALLING IN LOVE]: "What if You” – Joshua Radin. Sad.
[FIGHT SONG]: "100 Resolutions” – the Lawrence Arms
[BREAKING UP]: "’Til it Happens to You” – Corinne Bailey Rae
[PROM]: "Memories" – Eisley
[LIFE]: "Your Ex-Lover is Dead" – Stars.
[MENTAL BREAKDOWN]: "Cathedrals" – Jump Little Children. AMAZINGLY appropriate, especially for me.
[DRIVING]: "You Only Live Once" – the Strokes. Is this supposed to be a remark on my driving? Because I am a good driver. I swear.
[FLASHBACK]: "The Saddest Song" – the Cardinal Sin. I can see this making sense.
[WEDDING]: "’Til Kingdom Come" – Coldplay. It doesn’t really fit, but that’s okay. I like the song.
[BIRTH OF CHILD]: "Oh My Love" – John Lennon
[FINAL BATTLE]: “Young for Eternity” – the Subways
[DEATH SCENE]: "Petals" – The Honorary Title
[FUNERAL SONG]: "In the Sun" – Joseph Arthur
[END CREDITS]: "Life is Beautiful" – Vega4. Good!
Friday, November 17, 2006
quit laughing.
borderline emo poetry? yes. now shut up.
hese words are slowly strangling me
a thousand things i never said
the things that were left unspoken
they slipped through my hands like water through a sieve
the streetlamps burn dimly in the back of my mind
their once-inviting aura now feels
stale
cold
and bruised
i'm in a chokehold .. if i stay this city will leave me
smothered.
i held you too close
and when i blinked
you vanished
like a fist when you open your hand.
these darkened streets are frail for all their concrete
they can barely sustain the weight of my efforts to keep from falling
and the way you said my name won't stop reverberating
winter is coming sooner than i expected.
hese words are slowly strangling me
a thousand things i never said
the things that were left unspoken
they slipped through my hands like water through a sieve
the streetlamps burn dimly in the back of my mind
their once-inviting aura now feels
stale
cold
and bruised
i'm in a chokehold .. if i stay this city will leave me
smothered.
i held you too close
and when i blinked
you vanished
like a fist when you open your hand.
these darkened streets are frail for all their concrete
they can barely sustain the weight of my efforts to keep from falling
and the way you said my name won't stop reverberating
winter is coming sooner than i expected.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
